I’m worn out and I really don’t think I’m not cut out to be a doting grandparent.

When our first grandchild was born my daughter and I went into a coffee shop with him. Whilst there I picked up a copy of The Guardian - I remember the article well from that July day in 2012. It said “I want to be a grandma not a surrogate mum. I want to be the fun, extra pair of hands now and again grandma, not factored into regular childcare’. It resonated with me then and I stuck to it. Call me selfish but ‘me’ time is very important otherwise I think resentment creeps in. And an arrangement becomes ‘the new normal’. I’ve listened over the years to worn out grandparents who see no end to timetabled childminding “I did it for one so it’s only fair”.

My son and his girlfriend, had their first child when he was 19. An accident of course. They went on to have 2 more. All delightful. However, I made it clear from the start, that I would not babysit. I felt that if they thought they were old enough to do this, then they should bring them up. I was an older mum at 31, with health issues, and just could not help. Plus did not want to. The parents are now divorced. We now dote on our grandchildren, and they, us. The eldest is 23. We can now help in ways, we couldn't before. Not babysitting, does not mean, not loving them.

babysitting is boring, as well as being a heavy responsibility. why take it on if they're not yours ?

I'm another 'fun, extra pair of hands now and again grandma'.

I live in London and the grandchildren are in Somerset so I could never have been a childminding option, thank goodness!

I was 70 when my daughter had her first child.

It was a shock to my system, I must say when I was expected to look after him when she returned to work.

It was exhausting. I was constantly worried and stressed that I might not be doing the right things etc.

I’m glad he’s a bit older now and can begin to enjoy him a little.

My parents were both working f/t when they became grandparents. No option for babysitting or childcare back then. Don’t feel obliged to care for your childrens children.

How can you not feel some kind of obligation towards your children's children? As I've already said, we found ourselves in a situation where we really had no option other than to look after our grandson, but there's no way I would - or could - have just washed my hands of the situation. No, it's not what I had envisaged myself doing at this stage in life, but you have to play with the cards you're dealt...

Tezhar

I think you’re right. I am going through the menopause. And I have lung disease. And husband that is wrapped up in work. I was also bright up in care and proud of what I’ve achieved with my own children. But I’m tired now. I see no joy in anything and barely leave the house. Pretty much depressed really I guess. No I’m not being asked for childcare. But I foresee this as more babies appear. My grandson is adorable. But I can’t see how my future at the top of the family tree is going to be. Everywhere I look grandparents are doting over there children and grandchildren. I don’t feel that way. I just see drama from the younger ones. Living in a field with trees, birds and my dogs would suit me just fine. And I’m not even fussed if I leave this Earth early. I’m no good at peopling tbh

Tezhar I feel the same, I am in constant pain now and don't get much joy out of anything much anymore. My daughter, SIL and 2 DGD have moved in with me, as my health has deteriorated, but having lived on my own for 10 years, it has come as a HUGE culture shock! I'm not expected to look after the kids etc but they run in and out of my space a lot and seem to think my room is their playroom at times! We will eventually be sorting that as we are going to do some alterations to the house so my space will be more my own, but that will take some time obviously! I too have become quite agoraphobic since lockdown and just about manage to drive 15 mins to my Mums and back and go to the GP, not at all bothered about much else at all. My DGD's are adorable too but visiting 3 times a week was much easier!! So you who don't 'dote', aren't alone!

I can`t imagine not being aroung my G/children,
I adore being around them and having their lovely smiling face to dote over.
I`ve had them for the weekend on many occasions,never been happier.

I have four DGC and love them all dearly but DH and I made it plain from the start that we would not be involved in regular childcare We did also say we were available, of course, to help out in emergencies. Both DS and DDiL were happy with that and things have worked out well. We would never have dreamt of asking our own parents to care for our children. Why should they? They had done their bit and deserved a peaceful retirement. We juggled things and managed on our own.

If someone is physically and mentally too exhausted to look after children then they have to play with the cards they are dealt with.
There is no right or wrong..its just how things are.

I volunteered to look after my first DGS (now aged 4) for two days a week which was fine initially. Returning to duty after the birth of my second DGS (he’s now 11 months) I am utterly exhausted but don’t feel able to say that it’s getting to be too much and need to stop, I also work part time which just adds to the feeling of exhaustion. I have very mixed feelings as I adore the boys and have a fantastic relationship with them due to the amount of care I give, but I do wonder how much longer I can continue before I end up making myself ill.

do people think they will be rewarded for martyrdom ? the martyr's crown maybe.
unlikely in reality.
why is an older person's life, health, relaxation less important. or their time. they are not bonded serfs.

I agree MissA,luckily i am in good health.
And don`t expect rewards welbeck.

I try to do the sort of things with my grandchildren that I did with my kids but find they aren’t interested. Which floors me a bit. I guess they’re different little people with different ideas. My two were very creative and bookish whereas my youngest grandchildren are more active. So I don’t feel I know how to be with them. Not that I look after the youngest ones the way that I used to look after DD’s boys; and I was much younger when I looked after those two. At 70 I don’t have the energy to look after young children any more I’m afraid.

Don’t worry you are not the only one. I love my gd to bits, but I have done my bit bringing up my. Children, now one of them being their parent. I have them over for odd weekends and use to pop in once a week on my way home from work. That’s it.

When I was being brought up I only saw my grandparents every 6 weeks or so as we had no car and public transport was expensive, so my grandparents never babysat us at all . Despite this we were all very close to them and loved my grandmother’s dearly .
You don’t have to babysit/childmind your GC to become close to them . I was 36 when my DGM died , she was 85. My DCs also only saw her every couple of months and they all adored her as well .
Some people seem to believe that unless you look after your DGC regularly then they won’t become close to you but this is not true .

My gran used to say it's lovely to see them and lovely to know they are going home to their own home.
I agree with her. You do not have to be as committed to a GC as you were to your own children, you can choose how much time you give.
Mine live a long way away so I see them rarely but when they visit I am often glad when it is bedtime.
Look after yourself and see your G.P and say how down you feel.[Flowers]

Tezhar

Hi all. (Sorry I’m not sure how you reply individually). But it’s good to hear that some of you don’t feel as maternal second time around. Social media can be the worst when scrolling. I see just the other day that a woman I knew at school has made a bedroom for her grandchild. I’d rather have a craft room!

My two youngest daughters who are at uni 19 and 21. Have brought me so much drama since they left home for London life. I expected to breathe out a little when they last one left. But it’s drama drama drama. I’m worn out. Being brought up in care myself and having a child at 16 I gave up my youth for what turned out to be five children. I wanted to put my family back on the map as I call it. And I’ve done a good job. But now I’m at a crossing point where I have nothing for me. I didn’t get a career. I do work from home for my husband though. I have been divorced twice before this. Happily married since 2009. I’m bipolar from genetic reasons plus trigger reasons so I find friendships difficult. I cut myself off from people. I’m very menopausal too I think. And I have COPD from smoking but still haven’t cared enough to quit. Because of the bipolar. I’m on meds. I seem to have hit a point where I’m just not into staying near family. I want to put about four hours between us. So I can enjoy the quality time when we’re do get together. I’m not built to be the hub that I thought I’d always become. I really don’t think I can be nanny of the year when they all start having kids. My worst nightmare. I’m tired. So it’s good to hear that it isn’t so unusual for mums/nans to be tired mums/nans

Thank you ladies ?.

Tezhar I really, really feel for you. I'm also bi-polar: I have been since childhood, and I totally get the feeling of not actively wanting to be in the world anymore. I've had suicidal urges almost all my life, but since I lost my (like you, third time lucky) late husband to Covid in May 2020 I've felt the point to life has disappeared. He was the only person who ever loved me unconditionally and understood me, and we'd been together since 1990. He was my dear, dear friend as well as the love of my life.

I had planned to have all my animals euthanized so that they could be safe in heaven, and take an overdose to join them, this past January: however during a really deep conversation with my son, whom I adore, he was so devastated by that, that he was barely coherent and I made a promise to him to stick around for his sake and for the animals' sake.

Since then, although sometimes I feel trapped by that promise, I've made myself a vow that I'll just spend the rest of the time I'm destined to be here, trying to help make my own little corner of the world a better place. Maybe you would feel more settled, as I now do, if you could do the same?

And it's vital to note that you are every bit as important as your children/grandchildren. When you don't feel actively ok about something you're asked/expected to do, it's OKAY to say no.

You sound like you've made a real success of your life despite being brought up in care and having the illness you do. But 5 children and a distant husband - you said he's always wrapped up in work - was always going to be energy draining.

I think you should ask your GP or if you have one, psychiatrist, to review your medication since the depression side of the bi-polar seems firmly in control just now.

I realise that different medications affect different people in a very individual fashion, but if you haven't previously been prescribed it, maybe ask your mental health team if they think escitalopram would benefit you? It's the most effective drug I've had.

I wish I could just hug you and help you find ways to disengage from your children's dramas, and explain to your husband that you deserve some of his attention too. Since I can't, I'll just keep you in my prayers every night.

Blondiescot

How can you not feel some kind of obligation towards your children's children? As I've already said, we found ourselves in a situation where we really had no option other than to look after our grandson, but there's no way I would - or could - have just washed my hands of the situation. No, it's not what I had envisaged myself doing at this stage in life, but you have to play with the cards you're dealt...

Well, that reply will really have helped the OP feel better, won't it?

WTF should you feel an obligation to your children's children?

You didn't choose to have them, after all: you did your bit caring for your own.

Lovely for them and you if you do, and I expect if I had grandkids I'd want to help out too, but a person can't feel things to order, and it's downright mean to diss them for not sharing your own outlook.

Just decide what sort of grandmother you want to be and then be it. Endless childcare is not compulsory!!

poshpaws

Blondiescot

How can you not feel some kind of obligation towards your children's children? As I've already said, we found ourselves in a situation where we really had no option other than to look after our grandson, but there's no way I would - or could - have just washed my hands of the situation. No, it's not what I had envisaged myself doing at this stage in life, but you have to play with the cards you're dealt...

Well, that reply will really have helped the OP feel better, won't it?

WTF should you feel an obligation to your children's children?

You didn't choose to have them, after all: you did your bit caring for your own.

Lovely for them and you if you do, and I expect if I had grandkids I'd want to help out too, but a person can't feel things to order, and it's downright mean to diss them for not sharing your own outlook.

I wasn't 'dissing' anyone else, but your grandchildren are still your flesh and blood, after all. I've already said how I didn't see myself having to look after my grandson nearly as much as I've had to, but circumstances left us with no other option. I'm probably the least maternal person I know and I won't lie, there are times when I really think I can't cope much longer, but sometimes you've just got to get on with things. If your family needs you, then you step up to the mark - that's how I see it.

Yes its very tiring but i wouldn't change anything. I have looked after my second grandson since he was a new baby. He will be 5 in June and the time has gone so quickly. He has chicken pox at the moment and i have been looking after him all week. Yes its hard work but i am happy to do it and glad that my daughter trusts me to care for him. I am so happy to be part of his life because my eldest grandson is 10 and lives in Australia and i never see him.

I think opinions are roughly 50/50 with regards to whether one "should" or not.
Obviously it's an individual thing, so no right of wrong answers.

Blondiescot
Same here, youngest daughter came home with three children, we were heartily glad they were out of the situation they were in, but it’s not easy.
We all work, the children children have lots of activities, and it’s hectic.
I had my first child at nineteen, my last at thirty six, my first grandchild at forty six, and five more to follow, I feel like I’ve had children around forever.
But you are right about not always having an option, yo do what you have to do.