I visited my Mum today!!

Kitty , I think I know how you feel

I had to move my aunt and uncle into a care home after providing almost full time emergency care for them for over two months. I made the 40 mile round trip daily, and on occasions twice a day, dealt with social workers, carers, medical authorities etc etc.
On my first visit to their care home, the day after they moved in, my relatives sat in judgement over me and told me politely and firmly that as it was entirely my fault that they were now staying in this 'hotel', which was nice, but they wanted to go home but couldn’t, as I would not let them have the car or the car keys, they had decided that they would prefer it if I ceased visiting them, which I did. Other family members visiting told me how my relatives then decided to form an 'Escape Committee'. It's members were to include a number of their friends, all of whom were either dead or seriously infirm.

A month later they expressed surprise that I hadn’t visited for some time and wondered where I was. I started visiting again and explained my absence by saying I had been on holiday!!

Flickety you have to smile for you too.

After my father in law died my mother in law was on her own in a flat in central London, too crippled with arthritis to walk very far. My daughter used to drive in from Bracknell every weekend to do her supermarket shop for her, even driving up one night to change a light bulb for her! A few years later, after she had gone into a home,I was chatting to her about her life in London and she told me how she'd been able to cope because she had friends who shopped for her. When I pointed out that my daughter was driving in every week to do it she looked completely blank and denied all knowledge of it.

Another example of Mother in Law - my son in law has worked his way up from security guard to aircraft engineer to lecturer in aerodynamics. Every time I tell her he has got a new job she sighs and says "NOW what?" !!!! You'd think I'd been telling her he'd just been arrested for the fifteenth time.

Are you married to my brother Deedaa you mother in law sounds very much like my mother.

Oh dear! - mothers again!

My mother's MIL (my paternal grandma) more or less accused my mother of having it off with a "foreigner" because my brother was so dark-skinned and claimed that he could not possibly be her son's child - you can guess how that went down!

Come to think of it, all of us are very dark-skinned with brown eyes and dark brown hair that refuses to go grey! And my Dad was blonde and blue-eyed!! Mum had brown hair but was very fair-skinned. There has always been a bit of speculation going on as my brother has a very rare blood group! Oh well, we will never know!

Never forget we are the dreaded elderly mothers of tomorrow.

My mum died aged 84 4 years ago- and I still miss her terribly.

Before my mother moved to Australia I would visit her every weekend and take her shopping, have her to Sunday lunch every week and visit her at least one evening a week.

When she moved to Australia we would try to visit every couple of years. When she was unwell I flew over and spent every day at the nursing home with her. When one of the carers commented on it she said that it was no more than I ought to do!

She has never acknowledged anything I have done for her, whereas my brother is praised to the skies for even the tiniest thing. If my brother and I weren't so close I could end up hating him!

Barrow - I know the brother thing! Mine could do no wrong apparently! As you say, it is a good thing we get on.

Same with my brother - he did nothing for them, and sponged most of their savings over the years - but if he came to see them (once every other blue moon), wow, you never heard the end of it !

My brother and I have bought her something between us this year (I usually arrange for flowers and a hamper of goodies to be delivered) I just know that after Christmas I will get a letter asking why I hadn't sent them and telling me what a great gift my brother bought!!

One year her birthday card arrived 2 days late (thanks Royal Mail) and I heard about it in every letter for at least six months.

My grandmother was like that with my uncles, who could do no wrong, although it was my mother and my aunt who cared for her in her 'declining years'.

Think it's a generation thing. My DH once drove four hours after work to collect my mum, brought her to ours for a week, took her to Heathrow (another two hours) and put her on a flight, sister and BIL collected and had her for a month before putting her on a plane back, DH collected, brought her home for another week and then took her back to her home. Par for the course. While she was sorting out to pack, I noticed that she had named as beneficiary on her insurance - my brother!! On being asked why him, she responded, bewildered. "But who else would I put down? He's my only son."

I've got 2 brothers!!!!!

They take it in turns to be favourite!!!!!!

Mum drove a wedge between us and we didn't speak for about 6 years but then she did us all a favour and became ill, so we had to talk!

Now, my brother and I get on better than we ever have and Mum's awfulness to me is a source of mutual shock and laughter. But I still find somethings she says or does are a step too far and I have to tell Gransnet

So glad I'm one of three sisters.

I know I shouldn't but I do find your posts very amusing kitty.My Mum's banter has become so predictable we can mouth the words as she says them! it's just so embarrassing having it relayed to the other old dears in the care home.My sister and I always get:
( To my DS ) You always were a terrible liar since you were a little girl
( to me) Do you remember when you had your first period-you passed out, flat on the floor.You never could stand blood, could you?

We try to find things amusing Grannylin and generally succeed - just every now and again - it isn't amusing.

One of the saving graces about Mums who are in homes is that the others probably forget everything as soon as it's been said and I do think we all find things much more embarrassing than anyone around us does.

Mum rang me today to say that she hadn't seen anyone for months. I told her I had been on Friday and my youngest brother had been, with his daughter, on Saturday. Mum didn't believe me and kept calling me a liar until I told her she had been rude to all of us when she announced that she couldn't have been as it was not in her nature!!

I know some people think it's cruel to laugh 'at' Mum but she isn't Mum any more so it's not her we are laughing at - if you see what I mean.

As with any difficult job it is being able to find humour in a fraught situation that helps to get us through it without burning out ourselves.

As I have mentioned all the funny and upsetting things my Mum has done, I thought I should post about my visit on Thursday.

As the only daughter, most of the practical stuff falls to me, so I took a couple of packs of Christmas cards for Mum to write and all the presents I had bought for her to give to her great grandchildren.

After a couple of hours of trying to help her to write 18 cards I was nearly tearing my hair out. The family relationship of every single addressee had to be explained, sometimes 3 or 4 times depending on the number of people named. We had big digressions about when her parents had died and why she hadn't gone to the funerals (she did - I took her!!) etc etc. I am afraid I was starting to get short with her by the time I left.

But, as I walked down the corridor away from her room, Mum called out 'Thank you so much for all you do for me - I don't know what I'd do with out you'

Exit, one tearful daughter! I keep saying that there should be counselling on the way out of the home and I really needed it on Thursday.

Aghhhh, I so know what you mean. My parents have both gone now, and I do miss them. I can also laugh about all those times exactly as you describe, now, and you know, the fact I managed to never give up and keep my sense of humour, means I have no regrets and only fond memories. Stay strong - and have a good laugh when the tears are gone. [cake]

My Aunt was 100 last week and received a card from the Queen. She told her daughter that the Queen had popped in to the home in the morning to see her, but she couldn't stay long as she was busy!! How lovely that she thinks that....

I went to see Mum again today and found her crying. When I asked her why, she said 'I feel so ashamed that I have been left in this mess by your father running off with that floosie' My father died 28 years ago and, I'm sure, never looked at a 'floosie' in all his life.

When I eventually got her to understand that it wasn't true she decided it must have been my brother she was talking about and 'He's taken my bloody wardrobe with him so she can use it for her clothes'

The psychiatrist told us never to argue with Mum but, also, never to tell lies to her either. Very

Just resurrecting this as I went to visit my Mum on Tuesday (I have been in between times!!

As I have posted lots before, I am certain that Hyacinth Bucket was based on my mum so you will understand why, once I had recovered, her parting shot to me made me laugh.

Mum keeps asking us to give her a cigarette and, when we say we don't have any, she offers us a ten shilling note to go and get her some Woodbines. I told her she couldn't smoke while she was in hospital but she could when she went home, which she seemed to accept. But, as I left she shouted 'Well, f* off then and don't come back unless you bring me some Woodbines'

We always know when we are in my grandmas "bad books" as she puts the word that in front of your name