Widowhood.

Thank you kitty. DH is a very positive man and said he is not scared. He said he just feels vulnerable and will be scared when and if they tell him there is something to be scared about. He has had wonderful treatment and the prognosis is good but still the fear is there isn't it?

nannieroz111 welcome to GN,I shall just say this, that you would be hard pressed to find a more "welcoming, comforting, listening, advisory bunch of virtual friends anywhere in your time of need. The lovely thing is that we are "real" we do all really exist and are not some made up cyber avatar, we are real people who care about others and if we can help, advise or just be there at the end of the keyboard for a few comforting words, then some one is usually about all hours of the day.I hope you continue to pop in to GN and that we can offer you a little comfort knowing that there are many of us that have gone through the same sadness, for myself it is just over 7 months, but no matter how long wither it's many years/months/weeks days..we all remember that day,it will always so fresh in our minds.
I hope we can help you in some way, bfn

KatyK I hope you dh receives some good news ...

Thank you biker and for you.

All I can say is big hugs and thinking of all of you x

bikergran thank you for your much appreciated welcome. As you know I am new to this virtual world and have a lot to learn. But one thing I have learnt quite quickly is that you are all a caring and comforting set of friends and I send virtual flowers to you all.

I realised this Christmas that the reason its so difficult a season for those who are alone (either widowed or divorced) is that when out and about, one sees so many couples. The rest of the year you dont see as many couples shopping or walking together as you do during the Christmas week.

I had to suffer the trauma of seeing my ex and his new partner (acquired by him instantly online) hand in hand in the local market. Even though I initiated our divorce after years of his disloyalty and betrayal, he was still the love of my life and its hard to accept.

As Sandie Shaw sang - "There's always something there to remind me". Christmas decorations are the most poignant - they are physical reminders of happy times.

Why don't we all go on a Gransnet cruise next Christmas?

specki; although I've got the S.O. around my children and grandchildren spent Christmas with my ex and his family [my ex spent part of Christmas with his new girlfriends family as well and my son was with his girlfriends family]leaving me and SO on our own for the whole of Christmas, so I cancelled Christmas as having a tree and decorations around just made me feel more isolated. When my marriage broke up I went on holiday with a friend and we got split up at a seaside village. As I walked around trying to find him Ifelt as if everyone was with someone else and I had a hologram on my forehead [Like Rimmer] saying 'she's on her own'. The strange thing was that, when I was married, I nearly always did things on my own [went racing a lot etc] but it didn't bother me because I knew I had family at home [does that make sense?].

You are so right speckie4eyes about there being an abundance of couples. All of my friends are couples. I find this quite difficult now that I am widowed. My friends are wonderfully supportive, inviting me to various outings etc. But I feel like an intruder. (Silly, I know, but that's how I feel)

I'm so sorry that you are constantly reminded of your ex love. Must be difficult for you. You have my sympathy.

nannieroz111

Oh the couples. Shortly after my husband passed away a friend asked me to to Tai Chi with her. I thought it would be just the two of us - but no it was my friend's husband as well plus my friends daughter and her husband.

When I said that I wasn't very good with couples she took offence and I didn't hear from her for a year!

I agree with Tegan. I was very independent before my DH passed away but I knew he was at home waiting for me. I still sometimes think I will text him and I still have his number on my mobile.

I am fortunate to still have my DH.

However, I do find that some of my widowed friends do resent this. If I say there was a problem with the car/electrics/light bulb one particularly friend always says 'well it's alright for you your DH can mend it'. I now avoid this type of conversation.

I was with another widowed friend today who is a writer and she read me a small article she had written about widowhood and how some married friends are referred to as 'the smug married', which rather shocked me but I was not offended as I really do not think she meant me.

When I said if I was widowed I would not remarry as a) I couldn't find someone as good to me as my DH and b) I don't like men with hairy ears or dirty finger nails. She retorted 'you may change your mind', well I doubt it.

From my experience of widowed friends after the shock of the awful event they either make a life for themselves or they are resentful and sad. This comment is in no way meant to upset any widows/widowers it is just my observation of my friends.

I have no idea which camp I will be in, but I hope it is the former.

I also still have DH and when with widowed friends of which I have one or two I have found I have to be very careful of moaning or critising him even jokingly as I get reproachful looks and "at least you still have him".I am starting to get anxious sometimes and have been mortified on occasions.

Hi falconbird. I do accept these invitations with my couples friends. I spend such a huge part of my life alone that I do not want to look a gift horse in the mouth. However, I do think that its so different a relationship now.

On the home waiting for you scenario........ I was driving home when I saw an unmarked police car stop someone for speeding. My first thought was... Oh oh, must tell DH to take care. What a shock when I suddenly remembered.

It's a difficult line to walk Ann.

I'm two and a half years down the road now and have actually asked a couple DH and I were friendly with to call in for a drink and a chat.

I never thought I would manage that but it will be good to talk about old times.

Welcome nannieroz to Gransnet. I'm another widow who finds this site supportive and hope you do too. A wobbly day today as it was our wedding anniversary. It snowed on the day we married and is snowing again now. Poignant!

sewsilver thank you for your welcome. I have to say I have found this site to be a little bit of a life saver this last week or so. Hope you will feel better tomorrow.

Tegan - yes of course you make sense - I was super-independent when I was married - never thought twice about pursuing my interests alone. Whenever we attended social events, we virtually parted company as we arrived and only met up again at the end of the evening to go home. And I had no sense of being alone, ever.

Its when you are alone in reality that you feel its engraved on your forehead. I can't imagine trusting someone again, never mind committing to an exclusive relationship. Looking at available profiles in my age group on dating websites is extremely depressing. They all look so old and sound so needy. I have many friends who are constantly inviting me to events and lunches and dinner parties. I hate being the one who makes the numbers 'odd', but they make nothing of it. Last weekend I gave a supper party and invited a gay friend which made our number 'even', which was very nice.

I just keep telling myself to relish being free of a relationship which gave me so much angst - so this is what I do...appreciate the freedom.

Sunseeker, I share your feelings exactly. I lost my DH 6 and a quarter years ago, followed 16 months later by the loss of my younger daughter from very bad PND,which led to her taking her own life aged 33.
During most days now I do try to see other people ,either by volunteering, or by joining in local U3A. groups , or seeing longer term friends.
This has taken me a long time and is good, but the loneliness sets in when I return to my Apartment. ,having had to sell the family home after losing my DH. The Winter evenings are especially long and I long for 'someone to talk to.
My elder DD and family live in the same city, but I still don't get to see them all that often as they lead busy lives ,with 2 children and jobs in the NHS.
My younger daughter left 2 beautiful girls but they live 300 . miles away, so I only see them very rarely.
I try to keep busy as much as possible but nothing makes up for having someone special to share life's ups and downs with.

I am lucky enough to still have my OH and my heart goes out to all of you. Your posts are so brave.

I am another lonely very sad widow,hubby died October after 3years dementia.we were all ways together and happy that way, but now I am alone and finding it difficult to get out and about on my own . I would like to meet new friends but old habits are hard to change.Anyone got some ideas ???. Sad

Hello only the lonely. My hubby also died in October so I know exactly what you are going through. I would like to offer my friendship so that you will not feel so alone.

onlythelonly - I think it's a good idea to take things slowly. It's still very early days for you .

I went back to church where I met other widows, joined the Mothers'Union and go to a group called Knit and Natter. It's really hard at first.

Love to you nannieroz.

I'm so glad I joined Gransnet - it's a wonderful place to say how you feel without friends and family getting too worried about you.

The thing I miss above all others is the day to day conversations I had with my DH. Just the chit chat about our kids grandchildren our health, the news. you know what I mean.

Falconbird thank you for your kind words.

I too am glad I joined gransnet. It provides the daily chat that we both miss with our DH's. I read a lot of the postings and join in where I can. As you say, it's still early days, but I find this forum very helpful (especially in the middle of the night when I am not asleep)

I know you are still sensitive and I wish you well. Keep up the good work!

Onlythelonly. If you do nothing else, please keep popping in to this forum. You will find lots of lovely grans who will be happy to chat and help you through these early days.