Widowhood.

Hello nannieoz111 I totally understand how difficult this new chapter of our lives is to cope with. I found after about four years I felt a bit easier with my situation. You just have to try to take a day at a time and try to move forward a little. They say time is a great healer but I know I will never totally heal. I just miss my dear husband so much. I find now that if I try not to dwell on the past it seems to help me not get into such a state like I used to do.

You mentioned that you're not able to sleep and are waken through the night. I was wondering if you know about the Silver Line? You can phone them anytime, yes through the night too, as there is always someone there to talk to. It is a free telephone number; 0800 4 70 80 90

Here is a link for more information;

www.thesilverline.org.uk/

I try to think that there are other people having to cope with the same situation. I know it doesn't help much but I hope it helps me a little to put things into perspective. You are in my thoughts...

Hello rascal. Thank you for making contact. You are a very wise lady who is much further down the grieving line than me. I'm so sorry that you still miss your dear husband so much.
I find I am unable to think about my darling husband at all at this moment in time. It's the only way I can get through the day/night. Someone told me to remember the good times when he was healthy, but I'm afraid that only upsets me even more. I will take your advice and try to move forward a little at a time and stop dwelling on the past. I will also have a look at the link for silver line. Thanks again. This forum is invaluable. R x

Thank you for sending message, I will get started keeping in touch now that I,v found this site it appears very friendly and I,m sure I will get and give some comfort as time passes

I do so agree that dwelling on happy times in the past isn't always helpful. It does make me so sad so I try not to do it.

I think it's something people say when they don't know how to help.

I went to Cruse for six weeks in the early days and that was very helpful. The Counsellor let me cry and just let it all out. I went to a group first of all but that didn't suit me so I had six weeks one to one with a specially trained bereavement Counsellor.

I wouldn't advise going to a Counsellor who isn't specifically trained in bereavement.

You can't just get over it as some people think - but time does heal. I think the best advice I was given was to be kind to yourself. For me joining Gransnet was a way of being kind to myself and I've found it so helpful.

I also joined Face book and reconnected with some long lost relatives. I also buy myself "stuff on" Amazon and have a coffee on my own, as well as with friends. It's amazing how many people are on their own in restaurants.

As I've mentioned before I joined the TWG where I've met a lot of older widows who have been bereaved for years and their courage helps me such a lot.

If you can find out what makes you feel a little bit better it does help but of course nothing will ever take away that pain of loss.

Really interested in your posting falconbird. You have given me something to think about. May even have to consider bereavement counselling. Hope you have a good day.

Evening All

www.way-up.co.uk is a website for those bereaved over the age of 50 where there is support, laughter, advice, shared information and - best of all - meets all over the country.

I have been a member for a few years and can thoroughly recommend it.

durhamjen you echo my feelings, having lost my husband of 51 years in 2013 to Leukaemia.
I have a post-it note on my kitchen window-ledge - "You can't always feel happy, but you can strive to flourish."
It's just moments like closing down the garage door with such finality when I waver. I had a CD on in my car recently with all the old favourites and I just started to howl as I drove. There will always be moments like this that are yours alone. You just have to work your way through them. I went straight into the Co-op cafe and had a coffee and a big piece of cake.
Strategies have to be put in place, like crashing about with the hoover, savage pruning with the shears, making pancakes, even cleaning windows! You can't light candles around your bath or write poetry and stuff like that, because they just heighten your emotional state!

(I also have a post-it note on my window-ledge that one granddaughter wrote-"Remember to itch your feet today". What's that all about?? It makes me smile...

I think the most exhausting thing about being a widow is the way you can have days, weeks of feeling not too bad, accepting the situation, carrying on quite well and then the grief comes back. Sometimes it is overwhelming and sometimes just a feeling of being very vulnerable and sad.

I know it's a long process but it's living an emotional roller coaster.

Know just what you mean. I would love to say something to help lift your spirits......... Small steps falcon

Thanks nannieroz111. I'm an impatient person in some ways and just wish I could stay on an even keel, but It doesn't work like that. However the dips do become easier to cope with as times goes by and they do come less frequently.

My old mum always used to say I found it difficult to wait for things

Hi falconbird. How's your day going so far? Whatever you're doing, hope you are calm and peaceful.

Falconbird I can empathise your words exactly, I was proud of myself for not crying 2 days last week (I thought a step forward)! but then Friday morning I looked out and saw two little shoots of some bulbs we planted when we first moved into this house 14 yrs ago,and just thought Dh will never see his lovely garden again, and that was it set me off once again But today is a new day so......

Yes - it's soooo tough. I think this is a long road for us all. I think the goodish times, really sad times is something to do with the healing process but it can be really emotionally exhausting when the sad times come.

I haven't cried for awhile but feel I need to. Crying is a great healer and washes away some of the pain.

So sorry about the bulbs. With me it's having a problem with the computer. I turn sideways and almost call out to him for help .....then I realise he's gone.

He would have been proud, amazed actually) of the way I've solved a lot of tecky problems.

in that order

Same here except it was two tiny clumps of snowdrops that set me off. They had been one big clump last year and DH split them. Also, so frustrated with techy problems I have enrolled for an Operational I.T. class. It starts this week. Do hope it's not over my head.

I was watching something on television last night, and laughed out loud at it, then realised there was nobody else laughing with me.

Then I watched Call the Midwife. My husband had been diabetic, giving himself injections from 1957. There were bits in it that didn't seem realistic to me, but I could not ask him. The girl would not have been able to speak intelligibly for a start. I remember him having to test his urine like that, and boiling up glass syringes that he kept in a tin.

My grandson is going to buy some more snowdrops this week to plant with the ones that his grandad planted four years ago in the rockery.
"Grandad would like that, wouldn't he? Do you think he'll be watching?"

I went to the home where my mother-in-law is, last Friday. She's been in hospital for over a week. I spent an hour pushing her round in a wheelchair looking for people who had just left. They'd been sitting there before I arrived, I must have just missed them. This included my husband. All the other people she was looking for were dead, too.

nannierroz111 you go for it girl I have been looking at courses over the weekend, similar to yours, think one was a years course, but they are a bit pricey for me at the mo, plus apparently if I am on a course then I am not "available" for work in July..so I will have to put that on the backburner at the moment until I know whats what.
durhamjem children are so innocent arn't they, what can we say when they ask things like that..and of course Granddad will be watching won't he...if only it was so simple for us, my GS keeps saying "I wish granddad was still here" he's 8.

Thanks biker. My techy course is for 2 hours a week over 5 weeks. I suspect I may have to take more than one course. However, I will "go for it" and at least it will get me out of the house. (Wish I had paid more attention when DH fixed things for me)

Just had a thought biker would it be possible for the job centre to find you a course then you could continue to claim your jsa?

Biker, my grandson is nearly 13, and I teach him three days a week, so I have got used to it in a way. We have so many seats for Grandad, and he can't be at them all, can he? Of course he can.
Last week we went to plant snowdrops at Wallington. We walked round the walled garden looking for the seat where the grandchildren and our son sat with Grandad. They have a photo framed of it. The seat wasn't there, but neither were any others in that part of the garden, so we can only assume they have taken them to be restored over the winter. We're hoping they'll have put it back next time we go.

Hoping to deflect my mother in law from her ramblings last week, I told her that we had been to Wallington to plant snowdrops. She said that she would have to ask her Mam and Dad to take her there again.

Biker, my sister has to sign on again, even though she's going to get her pension in March 2016. She's signed up for a computer course, and can still get her JSA.

aw durhamjen bless her ..
and thanks for the info, I would much rather go and learn something on a computer or similar course then have to deliver leaflets for miles and miles to reach a quota(which I am sure they will have me doing, seeing as though I left school with no qualifications as I was one of those who wasn't thought to be "clever" enough to "stay on" so went straight into work.
I hope the benches are soon returned, but if not maybe you could enquire as to where they have gone!

Nellie good luck (we will be able to all come and ask you how to fix comp, once you have done yours courses) you can do it girl!

Last week one of the radiators stopped working (it was the one in DH bedroom)! I bled the radiator etc but nope nothing, tried topping boiler up but nope..so googled it and it was my TVC (thermostatic valve control) sounds good doesn't it! I followed instructions and unscrewed something (expecting water to shoot out into the air) but no the valve popped off, I squirted some WD40 on , screwed it back up and hey presto!! one working radiator, which prob would have cost me £50 call out before any work done.
Also my taps are broken in the kitchen apparently these are Monoblock mixer taps, so I have found some very similar, I just need the flexi pipes to go with them I sound like I know what I'm talking about don't I) cough), and then "watch this space" I shall let you know about my progress

WOW biker I'm really impressed with your DIY skills. Well done you. I am such a wimp about these things.

time will tell nannie time will tell ....

I agree with nannieroz - impressive work biker you are an inspiration !!