Support for family members cut out of loved ones lives 5

Luckylegs

Yogagirl, although I have read a lot about NPD, the 2 articles you shared with us has helped me immensely. I am almost certein that my DiL has this. She wanted to control every aspect of my son's life. When she became pregnant if they had a row (usually initiated by her) she would tell my son he would never see his child grow up. Unfortunateley that is now true. I told him to beware as she could accuse him of anything out of spite. I was right. She accused him of being a domestic abuser and said she is terrified of him in order to get an injuction against him. He is not allowed near her or their baby for a year. He only had 2 months with his baby girl - feeding, changing her, playing guitar and singing to her. All of which she criticised and ridiculed him about.
Before the baby, she had bought him a puppy then made him get rid of the dog 2 years later. He loved his dog and was heartbroken, but rehomed him to a lovely family. She did the same with the cat. it's all about power and control.
My own DD has a similar disorder but I think it is (just) personality disorder rather that Narcissistic. It is so hard for families touched by these conditions as you feel alone with a problem you feel is your own fault. So reading these articles puts it into perspective.
It is sound advice to look after our own well being as we still have to be there for ourselves, our health and well being and also for the rst of our loving family.
Thanks Yogagirl

Thank you Yogagirl, always love a bunch of flowers.

kids dont change! My younger daughter cut herself off from the rest of the family 7 years ago but I persevered over the years and every now and then I would send the odd email to ask how she was....Yes I got loads of vile abuse most unrepeatable! but it didnt stop me....
last year her emails slightly softened and I thought at last I was getting somewhere with her into building a relationship albeit by email...the emails were always cold and always about her....we hadnt spoken or met up or even seen each other in the 7 years .....I gave her my new details as I had moved but she would not tell me hers!
how wrong was I in thinking she wanted me in her life all she wanted from me was money and a very large amount saying she was in severe financial difficulty and she was being evicted so I told her to bring all the paperwork over to me and I will go through it all with her and see how I can help...her answer was 'no' so I said I cant help then as I neeeded to see how I could help...as I said no the vile emails started up again which I have ignored....
I was so nearly sucked in! I won't be again thats for sure...

Jenty61, That is awful. All we do is love and care about our kids and want them to be happy. Sadly it is not always reciprocated. You feel abused and so do I. After clear messages like that and the ones I received you'd think we'd give up but I always live in hope that my family will be back together again and happy one day.
It would take a lot of apologising and forgiving and I fear my children are now past that. You take care of yourself now Jenty61 I am trying to do the same. Do you have other children and grandchildren? x

yes Ukecan I have a son ...his wife and baby grandson whom I am in regular contact with although they live a distance away...I have a difficult relationship with my older daughter since my husband died Ive not seen or spoken to her in over a year...I have tried but its all one sided so I don't bother anymore... ....she has two adult children and they seemed to have followed suit I rarely see them they cant even be bothered to reply to my emails! and it cuts me up when I see on facebook that they are having all these family holidays and outings......I just feel like the elephant in the room! .....so I dont bother anymore not because I dont want to its because I want to enjoy the rest of my life and if they dont want to be part of it thats their decision...
As the saying goes 'you can choose your friends but your cant choose your relatives'.....

I'm so sorry, Jenty61! Painful enough to be estranged from one AC (adult child) - but 2! How awful! (((Hugs)))

There seem to be a lot of issues going on in your family and not just w/ you. Your older daughter and her AC appear to have cut you out, yes, but your younger daughter cut herself off from the whole family. Is there any common denominator between these estrangements? Any complaints they have voiced - real or imagined? If so, that might be the key to reuniting everyone though, I realize, you may feel beyond trying at this point.

Glad you're in touch w/ DS (dear son) and family. And glad you reached out to us, as well.

Omg just have missed wifi bee. 10 days without lovely support from you kind ladies,

Just quick post as so m unto read just thank all of you for kind support.

Sorry my typing awful Karl dad just said after glaring at me straight no to my questions Ie did no one think of telling us? And has he no compassion, agree rhinestone what a nasty man, no suprise son in law so horrid with that role model.

Will
Post more when time to read all got jump Inshower, knee treatment at 11 40 then get GD ! Arrived home 3 30??poor Gra driving fel. Gatwick middle night, warning smileless we are sooooo cold,
I think we did right thing, but it was awful Gra thinks T must seen Him before she drove off so unbelievably sad but life goes on.

Be glad he knee injection and fluid drained as been so painful over holiday,
Weight v bad news 9lb omg it was the puddings ??
for you all so kind of you to try support me means so much, x

Good posts Ucan & Luckylegs My nasty s.i.l was always buying pets, then getting rid of them, first a bird, then fish, then about four dogs, all ex fighting dogs, staffies and pit bulls! The staffie/pit bull I knew, Issac, was a really lovely dog, I often wonder what nasty did with him.

Welcome home Celebgran Ow! those naughty puddings! don't worry it should fall off now your back home.

Jenyt I don't have my estD add either, I know the area, which is 5mins from me, but she moved from the add. when she was part of my life. I too wonder if the few strange things that happened recently, where I thought my estD was trying to make contact with me, was about money [ C & S know the story]

Jenty, your younger daughter sounds as if she really has lost her way, to not see you in 7 years, send you abusive emails and only contact you for money, is cruel. I would write her a letter, saying just that, tell her whatever she has done in the past that in your heart you love her, but cannot be treated anymore like that, it is up to her if she wants to treat you properly and start again, if not she has made her decision. I know how it is to be left without your husband or partner to support you, and for your own well being and mental health you need to put yourself before your selfish daughter. Who knows as her children grow up, she may realise the error of her ways. Why don't you, instead of e mails write to your elder daughter, say how you miss being part of her life and your lovely grandchildren, that contract by e mails you find difficult, that you do not want to be estranged and see what happens. Once you have done that and see what the response is, I would try very hard to make your life without them. That money you were prepared to lend, book a holiday or treat yourself to something that previously said, no I must it costs too much. Well you can, because you would have given it away. I have booked up later in the year to go away on my own, when you get there, there are other well travelled singles. Life goes soquicly, I wasted many years waiting for things to change, blaming myself, if I could have those years back I would not have broken my heart like I did, because it made not one scrap of difference, I am trying to make up for it now. Sorry it is so long, but I feel so much for you having both your daughters behave in this way, at a time when you need them the most, but you are not alone.

thankyou Luckylegs...Ive already done what you suggested to no avail its all so onesided and Ive got to the point in my life where I really cant be bothered anymore....what really cuts me up is that the girls know I have M.E. and osteo arthritis and Im stuck in four walls the majority of the time as Ive had no support from them at all....? its made me feel like 'the elephant in the room'

thankfully I have some very good friends..?

Luckily legs such good post, and so very good advice,

Mansion wonders if T would come back for cash as they obviously struggling with her so I'll, it would be a resounding no I was her bank for too long and my counsellor said what made you think younhadnto keep giving her cash, wellshe asked for it that's the reason , yet when Estrangement r first Happe ed she ungratefully said to. Y husband material things

Was sending lovely get well card and 2 notes I asked her to let us know how she is now as I give birth to her and do have feelings also said how would she feel if it was M ?

I very much doubt she will have common decency to respond would t be suprise dif she threw flowers and orchid away we left, I just do t know mydaughter anymore.

I could accept it more if k had been an awful mum and felt I deserved it,
Life goes on and this card is last gesture can't do anymore,

Sorry thanks yogsgirl got 1lb off already ??shifting mountains of washing should help today too ??xx

To say I'm sorry to read about the way you've been treated Jenty is woefully inadequate. Such cruelty is beyond comprehension and when their apparent 'softening' turns out to be purely for financial gain, well it beggars belief. But believe it we do because that's why we're all here, sharing and caring; it's happening to all of us too.

Too often I've been told 'that where there's life there's hope' but when the hope that's given is false, it's better to stop hoping. Yogagirl

What a great post Luckylegs. I'm so pleased that you've booked your holiday, when will you be going and where have you chosen? Good for you, we all need to do things for ourselves and try and just let them get on with it.

We landed yesterday at 6.10 am and couldn't help but wonder 'what's happened to spring'. Yes it's cold Celeb, bitter cold. Just a few days until May, and I'm going to need my warm coat, ear muffs and gloves to take my little dogs out when I've finished on here. Collected the fur babies this morning, all looking well; it's an expensive business but I know that they're well looked after and you can't put a price on that, as I always tell Mr. S. when we get the bill.

My foot's a lot better not 100% but I must get back to the gym on Saturday. Holiday weight gainyes, I'm with you there Celeb.

Today we went to do our wills. As it is a 2nd marriage for both of us we each had a will but my husband included me in his. I asked about leaving things to my 3 blood DGC and how it is when one is estranged. The solicitor said they would make sure she would get whatever I leave her when she reaches 18 and her mother would have no access to it. It won't be much but I just want her to know we cared. I can also leave a sealed envelope with the wills addressed to DGD and containing letters, photos and small items. This way I can tell her how much we love her and miss her and that it was not our choice to be estranged

Welcome home Smilelss yes we were soooo cold at 3 30am when we got in.

Today managed unpack and do most washing ugh,

Tomorrow we collect our brand new black turbo Astra.?

Bit worried about my GD she was fine yesterday but not today choking a lot and not eaten much bless her .

Oh dear poor Gra I am in hysterics he is speaking to 24hr helpline one his kindle ?? at least in can still laugh,

Today went on t support group for her condition and read all her posts fled. Out so much and it broke my heart that she doesn't want us anymore and is so ill.
Apparently started from knee op but took 6 days to diagnose hence the life death scenario. 25-30% don't recover!

uk 61 that is very good idea and helpful advice ref wills I would like to leave something personal for M

Today I chose nice picture of me as D to put In Frame it is cheerful positive sign, and bless her she asked why it wasnt her in photo of M. So can show her when she visits,

not an easy decision knowing what to write in our wills...in my case I made the decision to cut both daughters and the two adult grandaughters out of my will...people might think Im being mean and harsh but I refuse to reward them for their appalling behaviour towards me!
Everything will go to my son and his family ( I have already given him the deposit for their new house...well he may as well have a lump sum now and its also for my baby grandsons future) I have paid and sorted out my funeral so my son doesnt have the worry and also written out what he needs to do in the event of my death...
I did how ever write a letter to the courts to explain why nothing was left to the girls in the event of my death in case the girls contested my will...

all something that I never ever thought I would do as I never in a million years thought that any of my children would turn on my like they have! ?

Just read a wonderful story of reconciliation, an only child, estranged for 7yrs. The mother had no hope of ever seeing her Son again and then he suddenly knocked on her door! She now has four month old twin Grandbabies!

Welcome home to the snow Smileless hope you have your thermals on

My will is made out to my ND, 10% to GC, stating that my cruel estD&S are to inherit nothing, even if we reconcile in the future!

My precious GD's birthday is looming, making my heart cry more each day it get's nearer. My ND, baby GD and I are going away for four days during this time of sadness that should have been a time of great joy

Yogagirl that is a lovely story and may give some of us hope.
I too dread our baby GD 1st Birthday in June, but moreso for my DS who hasn't seen her since she was 2 months old. Nasty DiL won't allow access. What I hate is that Facebook constantly brings up your memories from a year ago or 2 years ago so he will get these photos coming up on his page of his baby daughter's birth and him cuddling her. It's cruel and facebook shouldn't do that because how do they know what has all happened in someone's life since a year or 2 ago

Morning Ucan Yes you're right about FB, they seem to pop up more and more now. How tragic for your Son, not seeing his baby D, especially on her first birthday, that is truly wicked of his ex! My ex left us in a foreign country with no income, he never paid maintenance, yet I always let him see the C as I thought it too cruel, for him & the C, not to. My C are fully aware of this yet now my estD has him as dad of the year [via skype, as he lives in Indonesia] I know it's down to nasty s.i.l, yet when nasty heard that estD's dad was flying over for their wedding [paid for by his dad, estD GD, otherwise he wouldn't have] nasty said he was going to knock him out! and it was me that came to his defence and told them that mustn't happen, then my ex [once I was cut out] started a hate campaign against me via round robin emails, again all down to nasty!

it never ceases to amaze me how families can be so nasty and vindictive! it also annoys and frustrates me how the one person who has so much hatred has to instill it onto the grandchildren...its not the grandchildren war!

I agree with facebook with those memories that pop up its very upsetting... although my grandaughters are on facebook and added as friends I no longer follow them so their 'family' news doesnt post on my timeline...it was too upsetting reading about the family get togethers and trips out and holidays which Im always excluded from! ?

for everyone...

Welcome back to your homes Smilelessand * Celebgran*. It's nice to get away. Been busy trying to sell my in laws house, cleaning and throwing out stuff. It is two hours north of us do it was colder than where I live. Went to the therapist yesterday as I hadn't seen her in a month. I told her what my ES told my DD about why my ESS and his wife said about not getting them a cleaning lady. She said they sure sounded entitled. She agrees that they gave no right to decide where I spend my money. They paid my EDIL's mom to clean their house and gave her money for gasoline to get there. It just goes on and on for all of us doesn't it? The therapist said all their petty complaints could have been solved with one conversation but instead they chose to run away and hide like little scaredy cats.
Jentydid the right thing by not lending her ED money and asking to see the papers. Are we supposed robe so desperate as to do whatever our EC want to get to see them?And I agree with what you did with your will also. How could any of us trust them again? I never will but I fear that if my DH ever reconsiles with his ES things will be back to normal for him but not for me and then it would affect our marriage. I cannot forgive them holding back the DGC. Yet I would forgive my ES for not speaking to the whole family. Not fair I know but this is what happens when you have a second marriage. Even though we have been married 27 years I will still have a hard time with ever seeing my ESS and his wife again.

Thank you rhinestone, so good be back i was gutted 10 days without wifi??

Sadly finding out sooo much T posting on support group almost daily and breaks my heart that her mum dad, brother and entire blood family and loving godparents are totally discarded.

She is still quite ill according to posts, recovery is slow from p.embolism,s as lungs damaged by scarring from what I gather, seems her husband is caring for children, we would have been delighted to help.

Since got back wow sheer pump gone, runs spa bath and power shower both bathrooms waiting anxiously to hear if new one come in yet?

Had knee injection treatment Monday fingers crossed loads better, got be careful still went acquacise and swim yesterday shattered and knee bit sore afterwards. Need lose the weight fast that I put on ?

Smileless how you now home? Is it on or off now the move, sorry if out touch
Thanks so much for PM.s

Agreed Jenty it never ceases amaze me mans Inhumanity to man and how a one loving daughter can be so very very cruel and totally without feeling.

oh dont you just hate weekends knowing that your kids have no interest in you and then you see your neighbours having their family visit them ...?
must try to get motivated and do something or the day will just drag along far too slowly...