Is a 29 year age gap acceptable?

I have a friend whose partner is 17 years younger than her. They have been together for over 30 years, he was 25 and she early 4o's, widowed with 2 teenage children when they met. His mother and close family were always friendly to her and It has lasted up to now but there have been difficulties over the recent years. They never had any children of course and I do not know if that was a problem for her partner. they are still together, but I think a 29 year gap is just too great and it's unlikely a relationship with such a gap will survive, especially if the younger partner is male, sexist I know, but probably realistic. Try not to worry because there is nothing you can do apart from be there.

It sounds sexist I know, but a woman of fifty and a man of twenty one is a bit strange.
A lot of twenty one year old men are still boys at heart, so that would worry me.
You say it doesn't seem like a very healthy relationship, and naturally you're worried, I would be too, but there's nothing you can do.
You just have to leave him to get on with it, and be ready to pick up the pieces if and when he 'comes to his senses'

I don't want to upset / offend anyone and this is my own personal viewpoint (which I will admit is marred due to working with sex offenders in prison for nine years ) but as the legal age of consent is 16 and your loved one is only 5 years past that it's a very small possibility that this person has a perchance for as young as is legal (borderline) as not to be acting against the law. I would be even more worried if they are petite in statute and maybe a tad immature for a 21 year-old. Also if they have not yet found their way in the world and are strong and independent they could be controlled by this person. I have seen this sort of thing happen before. I could be barking up the wrong tree but if it was my loved one I would watch this relationship carefully before giving my blessing. Also have caution with your opinions as it may push them straight into the arms of this person which of course is completely what they would want.

My friend, when she was 24, married a man of 50, she always said she wanted a man who was already "set-up", eg: had his own home/car/business and plenty of cash in his wallet, what she didn't bargain on was having to take on his kids from his previous marriage, she had nothing in common with this man at all, it's a shame, as now they have three young children, she's pregnant with her fourth, and the two children from his previous relationship are now estranged from him. She's miserable as she now feels that her husband is "too old" to cope with all the kids, his health is not good, so now I think she's regretting her rash decision to marry her "sugar Daddy".

Remember the Victorians whose perfect age for a husband was "2x age-7"!
It is between two consenting adults. But having said that, I would stand by to pick up pieces.
I hope they are very happy together.

I find the word 'acceptable' worrying, acceptable to who?
We don't own our children, its our responsibility to raise them in the best way we can and then let them be free to make their own decisions.
I always respected my very strong minded mum who certainly didn't always approve of the choices I made but supported me once I'd made them. I made some bad mistakes but learned valuable lessons along the way and I think I'm a better person as a result.
She never once said "I told you so."

My first serious boyfriend was born in 1922 and I was 1948 - we were at college together; everything appeared to be against us (he had existing girlfriend, he was black and my parents tried to stop us seeing each other - I felt hypocritically, since dad was 18 years older than mum!). We loved one another dearly for the rest of his life and I have no regrets. My FIL has also been married for 33 years to a lovely lady who is younger than me. Some relationships are meant to be and two people with no age gap can be disastrous together, while others are perfectly matched. DH is 9 years younger than me, we've been blissfully happy for 33 years and I've been blessed with two real soulmates in my life. You can't judge, but if things do go wrong, be there and say good luck to them.

The age gap is ok while your young, but when you get to 60/70 & the other partner is so much younger, one wants to slow down, nature tells us this & the other doesn't that's when things go wrong, seen it a couple of times with people I know, BUT at the end of the day the choice is yours, it's your lives & no-one else can tell you how to live it, my hubby was 69 when I lost him (I was 67) so best to make the moost of what you have

I would find it very difficult to believe that this could work in the long-term. But, at 21, maybe we should not interfere. The 21 year old will hopefully work out for his/herself that this big age gap is a problem. On the other hand, maybe it is true love and will last for many years. Time will tell.

For any relationship to work, you must feel an affinity with the other.Whether we like it or not, we fit comfortably in the era to which we belong, as a general rule. We travel thro' different eras of our life. Growing up, forming a career path, falling in love, union, making a home and life style,rearing and educating our young, and onwards through life. So if the meeting of minds blends with your partner, the number of years makes little difference. Now in my late 70's, I have little in common with someone whi is 30 years younger. Generally. But if your love is true, just get on with it, and enjoy what you will.

My daughter had a very unhappy marriage for some years. About five years after the divorce she met a kind, gentle and loving man, twenty six years older than her. She married him and they have been extremely happy. The usual problems that beset all couples occur, but they love each other and seem well matched. She said she would rather have twenty years with him than fifty with an immature mentally abusive monster like the first one. Quite simply, she loves him - and it's not hard to see why. so what do you do if you love someone? You can't switch off love - seize the day and be happy.

..... seize the day and be happy

That's all very well but I really don't think many of us would be happy if a 50-year woman seized our 21-year old son!

Unhappy and a little shocked I think .

Juggernaut they have split up several times and one of criticisms of him is that he is immature.
Angela thank you for your comments. DS' was diagnosed with Aspergers when he was 12 and there are issues round that. He told DD before he told DH and me, and DD was worried that there might be safeguarding issues. However as he is 21 I know it is his choice.

There is a 17 year age gap between my husband and myself. He had 3 teenaged children and I know my mum wasn't happy but she never once mentioned it to me. Lots of people tried to talk me (and him) out of the relationship and I know the age gap worried him. 24 years and three children later he is, fortunately, still fit and well and works part time. I have CFS/fibromyalgia and an no longer working and am far less likely to want to socialise than he is so, you can never tell what the future holds. Luckily, if his children ever had a problem with me they've never mentioned it and I have a better relationship with his daughter and grandson than either he or her mother does.

That said, if my almost 21 year old was seeing a 50 year old woman I would have my concerns.

Whatever you do, don't let disapproval show or you will end up alienating your DS and making his partner more attractive. It may not be acceptable to you or others but he can't help his feelings for this woman. You might find that as the relationship becomes more public, the excitement of keeping a secret was a big part of the attraction and he will choose to leave all by himself without you saying a word. It wouldn't be out of order to ask him if he has thought about the implications of the age gap but phrase it so you are reiterating that as a parent, you don't condemn his choice, you just care that he is going to be happy. I suspect, unless he is very mature for his age, he has found some great sex with someone who is more experienced than girls of his age and is currently thinking with his "brain" but if it's more serious than that, you can only be there to pick up the pieces if it goes horribly wrong or enjoying his happiness if she turns out to be the love of his life.

Riverdale that made me laugh

Probably not happy BUT my friend's daughter married a widower with two children, he was just 2 years younger than her father. She brought up those children and had two more of her own . He has retired now but she has pursued a late but rewarding career and they are very happy.

I dated a man 19 years older than me when I was 21. He was a wonderful man, kind, generous and full of fun. I was the one who felt the gap was too big. He ended up marrying a woman of my age who looked just like me, and they are still happy. I married a man four years younger than me and it was a disaster.

You never know.

My stepmother is 20 years younger than Dad, she is only 2 years older than me! They've been married for 25 years now and are the happiest, most devoted couple I know. Whatever makes my lovely Dad happy is fine with me>

I was married to a man 28 years older than me. We got together when i was 17 and he was 46. Needless to say my parents were not pleased, especially as he was older than both of them. We married when i was 21 and had five children together. We were happy together until i reached my thirties and decided to go back into education ( i left school at 15) in order to become a teacher once my youngest was at school. My husband was not pleased as i began to mature and have ideas of my own. I suppose i was not the same person that he married. We had a very acrimonious divorce soon after. ( we did manage to get over this and have a friendship because of the children.)
I'd say the age gap did not matter in the beginning but caused problems as i grew up and he grew older.

I think Mirryben31 made an important point - the age gap may cause problems when the younger partner 'grows up'. My daughter finally left her husband for a boy 16 years younger than her and is now pregnant with her first child. Yes I'm not happy about the age gap but I could have coped with that if it had not been for all the lies she told us,her ex-husband and her friends. I find that very hard as it was not how she was brought up. Our relationship with her is now fragile to non-existent but I hope things will improve once she has her baby. But I do worry how a 21 year old lad will cope with fatherhood. Once he grows up will he leave her and their child.

My Dad was 15 years older than my Mum. They were a very very happy couple never argued. My Dad died at 84 my Mum is now 95 so has had a long time without him. My father was young at heart and was the one who was up dancing and was on holiday the summer before he died. He was 45 when I was born, I only wish I had him longer.

It depends on the people involved....I am assuming that the 21 year old is the female.
51 year old males can be very interesting and charismatic,and maybe she finds him to be stimulating company.Is he the boss or the college lecturer maybe?
As a 33year old artist,I was drawn to a sculptor in his late 70,s,because I admired him as an all round person, work,intellect etc.
My mother knew of the family and I expected her to be surprised.
She wasn,t at all as she understood that the attraction I saw went far beyond age.
Of course 33 is not 21,but many 21 year olds are mature enough to make sound decisions.
A friend of mine lost her husband in his 80,s.They met when she was 19 and he was in his 40,s.There was never a noticeable age gap.
We have to accept other peoples choices.
Support them when they want our acceptance,and help them pick up the pieces if it fails.

My younger daughter's partner is 23 years older than her, and they have been together since she was 18. She is now 30. They have 2 lovely children (he has 2 adult children from his first marriage) and are very happy. The age gap has never been a problem, except for her worries about his health, as he has Type 1 diabetes, and her fears of being a widow when she is comparatively young. However, this is a risk you have to accept if you are in a relationship with someone quite a bit older than yourself.

As for the feelings of others...Is it really anyone else's business? Of course, as parents we have emotional opinions regarding everything that involves our kids, but we have no say over their relationships when they reach adulthood. Maybe we wouldn't have chosen an older man for our daughter, but it wasn't our choice, and DD's partner has good qualities which are far more important than his age. I know, from personal experience, that interfering in your children's relationship only leads to damaging your own relationship with them. My DH is Indian and I am English and his mum and dad did everything they could to prevent us marrying. They only succeeding in driving us closer together and his relationship with them, particularly his dad, suffered in the process.

Basically, like it or not, it is up to them to choose, not you. All you can do is be there for them if they need you.