Is a 29 year age gap acceptable?

It's interesting most of the relationship age gap examples given here are younger woman and older man, which is more usual, and can be successful, but this is in reverse, and is more unusual. Sometimes young men are drawn to more experienced older women though it is often temporary , but without knowing the individuals concerned it is hard to make an accurate judgment. In answer to the question yes I would have concerns, the same as if it were my young daughter involved with a much older man but as been said, when our children are adults they live their own lives and make their own decisions. We just sit by and pick up the pieces.

Your first post warrants the 'leave him to it, just be there to pick up the pieces' response. However, if the couple have broken up several times, with her citing his immaturity it shows that the relationship is very unlikely to last much longer. Is she aware that he has Asperger's? Does she have any idea what effect the uncertainty of this up and down relationship might have on him? She is the 'adult' and needs to act like one. So, in answer to your question - a 29 year age gap might be acceptable if the relationship is healthy. But this one doesn't sound healthy at all. Having said that though, it might still be a case of 'leave him to it, just be there to pick up the pieces', dependent on how close you are to him and how readily he listens to your advice.

Dramatic you have hit the nail on the head. For a woman of 50 she seems quite immature.

Age difference is really not an issue in my view. My first partner was 19 years my senior and we were ecstatically happy. Unfortunately he died very young (at 42) of an aneurism. I was 18 when we got together and 23 when he died. If it works, it works, whatever the age and regardless of who is older. It might be well worth pointing out that marriages made in heaven where everything seems perfect, right age, education, etc go south at the drop of the hat. If they are happy, good for them.

I would be worried about why she is with a 21 year old with ASD but all you can do is be supportive and be there if things go wrong .

Pigglywiggly
Next time she mentions that he's 'immature', I'd be very tempted to tell her "you're right, so perhaps you'd be happier with someone closer to your own age"!
Seriously, I would question her motives, and I most certainly don't think this relationship is in any way healthy or helpful to your son.
I would be keeping a very close eye on her and how being with her is affecting your son......I know there's probably not much you can do to 'force the issue' but forewarned is forearmed!

This is a hard one to comment on I've a friend who I is 64 and her husband is 81 the age gap wasn't as bad she said in the early days he was a professional man and good provider they had all the things materially but years on she is still a active woman and he is housebound she manages well but left him some years ago whilst meeting someone her own age she did come back and now feels like his caterer than his wife?

Meant carer than wife !

My daughter is 47 and her husband is 59, when I realised the age difference, (nobody actually told me) I was not happy but they have 3 beautiful children and are very happy. My son in law treats my daughter like a princess. I know not all such relationships work out but if it works for them that should be all that matters.

Juggernaut her other complaints include that he isn't very demonstrative. He can be very loving, but as he has AS it is always on his terms.
I wonder if she just wants to believe that she is still attractive to younger men.

A male friend of mineach told me the rule of thumb - for men older than women - is half the man's age plus 7 (7 from memory). However, I don't know the rule the other way. She won't be gettingmpremnant to complicate things so you need to put a brave face on and let it run it'seems course, with hopefully little contact with her. Good luck.

Pigglywiggly
She shows absolutely no understanding of your son's 'problems' at all does she?
Of course he's only demonstrative and loving on his own terms, she should have found out enough about AS to know this.
Maybe she does just want to believe that she's still attractive to young men, but I don't feel that your son is a legitimate 'target' for her silly games.
We all know that there's no proper future in this, and it's your son who's going to come out of it worse off.
Does he have a psychologist/social worker/doctor that you could talk to about how you fear this may affect him?
Do keep us posted on how things progress, and try to be positive, she'll get bored fairly soon!

my 2nd husband was 12 years older than my & we had 1 daughter (he had 4 children from his 1st marriage - sadly we hit a tough time financially & he left me for an older woman!!

My 3rd husband was 14 years older than me with 2 grown up children - we were together for nearly 23 years (nearly 21 married) our marriage was very happy & when he retired at 65 I got the chance to take early retirement. sadly he died at 71 leaving me a widow at 56. I don't regret marrying a man older than myself & we had so many happy times.

I think it's how compatible a couple is rather than the age difference

My closest friend was 22 and married a lovely man of 49. 27 years may seem a big gap but it seemed normal with them. They were so happy devoted had 3 sons, and were married for over 40 years until her husband sadly died. Age is irrelevant if you keep a sense of humour and love each other.

The age gap isn't really the problem here though, is it? It's more that the woman doesn't remotely understand the OP's son's vulnerabilities. As juggernaut says, is there anyone who supports your son who you can talk to about your concerns?

I imagined a happy couple when I posted,but it seems that there are several weaknesses in this relationship,not relevant to the age gap.
I certainly wouldn,t encourage it.

Hmm. A far more complex situation that the original post indicated. Still think there is nothing to be gained from direct criticism. Is there a friend who could talk to your son? Sometimes we listen to people who are not so close to us. Otherwise I think you have to bite your tongue while ensuring he has space at home to return to if he needs a bolt hole.

is close to my daughter, who was already at University when he was born. She had discussed it with my eldest son because she wasn't sure whether to tell us. Eldest son wisely said that as he trusted her she shouldn't break his confidence, or he would probably not talk to her about it again. Our daughter did try to warn him off, but he took no notice. He had been seeing the woman for some time before we found out about it.
The comments you have allade have been very helpful, even the ones that assumed a happy relationship, so thank you.

A younger friend of mine married a man 30 years her senior and they were happy for many years. However, now she is fifty, he is eighty, and they are living apart.They are both, fortunately, still healthy and active.However, she says his already unbending views and rigidity of attitude have got very much worse with increasing age. He does not want to know about any problems their now adult children may have, let alone help, as he thinks he should now be able to enjoy an old age free from worry.

(I would be concerned myself if my single 30 year old son wanted to marry a woman thirty years his senior because it would be less likely(if not impossible these days) that I would have any more grandchildren!)

My uncle married someone over 20 years younger than him...his second marriage. She was the same age as me and their children are similar ages to mine. Now 39 years later he has dementia and she is his carer. Things change when the older person is very old and the younger one still fit and healthy. I saw a difference in my own parents where my father was just ten years older than my mother.

There was a 30 year age gap between my parents and they couldn't have been happier and been better parents than they were.

When i was 20 i met a man who was 32.We fell in love and everyone kept saying it would never last.On the 2nd of july next we celebrate our 34 wedding anniversary.However in the last few years , since he retired things were becoming very difficult.I agree its not really abt age more life stadges.The age gap does catch up and make a difference eventually .One has to realise that.

It's not really the age gap but the other issues that are more relevant, I wonder if she has problems too with relationships . But as others have said the more you express concerns ..... Difficult and would your DD be able to talk to him more easily . If it is his first serious relationship - we can all remember our first loves , then hopefully it will all die a natural death .

I am with Widgeon on this one ....my OH is 83 and I am 68 ....I live in France now ..previous in Balearics .....age gap when we met 15 years ago did not seem to be a hinderance. He was extremely active at 68 (more so , indeed, than I am now I am 68 !) .....but now I am that age and would love to travel (he doesn't want to go anywhere ...going to bed at 9.00pm every night, and because of suffering two mini strokes and not being allowed to drive any more, having poor eyesight following an accident, he is very difficult to live with as he still insists he can climb trees, climb onto the roof to clean it, cut hedges with power tools, use a professional saw blade ....I am afraid I had to go out for the whole day one day last week as he was on the roof and I don't like blood !) ...the neighbours are aware and keep an eye on him but he gets extremely frustrated at not being able to do the things he does want to do ...he is now stripping the shutters to re paint them ..not too bad as at least it is a ground level job ! Trouble is, I can just hear everyone say, when he kills himself with his diy ...why did you let him do it .....so yes, in the beginning 15 years was not too great an age gap, but now he is older and difficult maybe it was the wrong decision ....I am now a carer rather than a wife ! I know this happens to people a lot younger than me if illness strikes your other half, and I shall get old and infirm if I live that long ....so it all depends on the person, their health and outlook on life !

I married someone who was over 12 years older than me, had been married before, & had a 5 year old son living with him, when I was 18. We are still together ( & I`m 60!), but I can`t say it`s been easy, that`s for sure. Better to be with someone just a few years older, or younger, I reckon.