No presents this year from my ds and dil

I have sent money (we sent gifts the first year but the postage was horrendous and I'd rather add that to the money) every year to my son and d-i-l in the US since he moved over there to marry. I also include money for the grandchildren and we send a joint card from me, my daughter and my grandkiddies here. Never had a gift back or even a card from them. It annoys my daughter but I just think well, at least I have bothered, and also it isn't my US grandkiddies fault their parents are like that. It's the same with birthdays.

Scousegirl, I would welcome them, still give them presents and expect nothing. I would love one of mine to come for a proper visit.?

For families who don't bother with Christmas presents or have a Secret Santa system (as we do), then, of course, this wouldn't upset them.

But from what Scousegirl says it appears that they have in the past exchanged Christmas presents. I can quite understand why she feels hurt. It isn't the present in itself - I'm sure even a small, perhaps homemade, gift would have been appreciated. It's the thoughtlessness and the knowledge that they appear not to have been especially careful about money so far as socialising and other expenses are concerned. However hard up they are, a small gift surely wouldn't break the bank?

Scousegirl I can understand the urge to say something when you are feeling so upset but I don't think it's a good idea. I hope airing the matter on here has helped to lessen your hurt feelings.

I really don't understand why some posters take the view that parents should be grateful that their children are visiting them. I think there is something very wrong with a society which has little regard for its older members. Unless a parent/child relationship has been unhappy and dysfunctional, I think grown up children should, as a matter of course and as far as they are able, make the effort to visit their parents .

I feel sad for all the people , and there seem to be an awful lot of them, for whom Christmas is a minefield, with worries about who goes to whom, who buys what for whom, and for those who are lonely, or made to feel that way, by the emphasis on a perfect Christmas. Considering it is 'supposed' to be time of goodwill, it is not living up to expectation. I suspect we expect too much.

Scousegirl,I hope my comments weren't among those that you found upsetting - that wasn't my intention at all! I meant only to share things that had helped me in similar situations, and to recall something that had been painful to me in the way you related. I don't post very often, but do value the opportunity to compare feelings and offer solidarity. As I said before, though, if I caused any offence at all, it was entirely unintentional, and I wholeheartedly apologise. It is all too easy to make unwarranted assumptions about how other families relate to each other, and what might be water off a duck'/ back to one of us may be devastating to another. But I certainly would not wish anyone to be suffering a 'baptism of fire' as a result of something I'd posted, so if I am, I hope someone will gently tell me!

I'd go with Grannypiper!

Eloethan. I agree with you. I find it very odd that grandparents are left walking on egg shells negotiating their way around thoughtless children. I would never have treated my parents in such a way, I would hate to be so needy that I will accept being walked over by thoughtless, unkind,disrespectful children just so I can see them. I think there has to be some mutual respect and kindness in these relationships, we are talking about adults not small children who don't know any better. Off the feed the dogs, that's unconditional love for you!! and they don't expect Christmas presents.

My previous post is not directed at scousegirl, but is a general comment about all of this biting of tongues and being careful and grateful around our offspring. Of course we should be kind, supportive and loving to our children and we should expect our offspring to behave In the same way. Now about those dogs.

scousegirl One thing I have noticed about this forum is you can rely on people's honest opinions and these tend to be varied. But the fact that they have taken the time to reply shows, I feel, that they mean well enough to try and help.

I hope you are not put off posting again! I hope you come back and tell us all what happened and how it all worked out. I for one would love to know.

Wishing you and yours a Happy Christmas xx

sadly you are just going to accept that this is the way it is. At least they do still talk to you - I assume anyway. Ours do not talk to us, have not done so for 5 years or more. We did quite a bit for them, both before they married and after, but it seemed that it was never quite enough?
So advice to you is get on with your life, probably when they think you might be getting through the inheritance they might think differently. But, enjoy your life, you only have the one, and sitting on resentment over lack of Christmas presents/boxes of chocolates is just not worth it. Disappointment can eat away at your life - if you let it, so go out and grab life, go on a holiday, join a club, do whatever it is that makes you happy. For me, if I was not as disabled as I am, I would help out at the various clubs there are, dole out food at the soup kitchens, help out at the YMCA, [but they do prefer it if you can stand up, and reach the ladle]

Scousegirl I feel your pain. My son and his wife between them earn over hundred thousand pounds a year. The conversation every year goes like this 'what would you like for christmas son' and its usually designer then adds 'we arnt spending alot this year because we have had quite a few weddings(the stag and hen weekends are always abroad) they have bought a second home too so can understand the expense. I reply just a card will do. The point isnt about the gift its about the thoughtlessness behind it.No I wont be seeing him over xmas because its his turn to go to Scotland, which isnt reciperated the other way DIL wont take turns. I live on my own. Its not all sad thought because I have got two great grandchildren and will be spending the day with the. There is always a silver lining.

I would definitely take them a small present each. If they say 'oh we haven't bought any presents this year', just say 'that's ok'. What ever you do don't risk having any sort of rift between you and your son. It's not worth it.

Crikey wish I was perfect {shock}

I just don't see the point in boat-rocking. I won't be seeing my eldest and DGC anytime over Christmas, as the DIL is joined at the hip with her family and the ALWAYS have the whole shebang together. They live in the same town and the whole family seems to move as one, like an amoeba. Following Christmas, they all go on holiday together. I have to travel the 500 miles to visit them (fair enough, they have babies), but they have never made the effort to visit even before children. I'll be sending gifts for all, and food for Christmas, but there will be no reciprocity except a phone call on Christmas day. But Christmas is not about expecting or demanding "stuff", and it's certainly not worth making a fuss.

Jane10 I don't think your last post is very kind. I don't think you can start generalising about someone else's children giving or not giving a present and whether they will help scousegirl in her old age! We should be trying to support scousegirl and help her feel better about her situation rather than making the situation feel worse. I hope scousegirl you have a lovely Christmas and your son and wife come with a small but thoughtful present for you.

Anya - I quite agree, I'm not stopping buying my children presents just because they're now grown up! I love giving them presents.
I stopped buying for nieces and nephews once they got to about 18 and were earning and instead buy their children presents, otherwise the list will grow and grow! So far I only have one great niece, but if my nephews and niece have more children I could end up with maybe another 8 to buy each year, plus my daughters could have 2 or 3 children each. I'd have to cut down on how much I spent per present. So far I only have one granddaughter.

LouPn you have missed the point. She is not being touchy. Her upset is perfectly understandable. Their money is NOT tight because they have a good social life and go away for weekends as they told their parents, so it is very mean of them not to buy their mother and father a Christmas present. If I had to choose between lots of weekends away and an active social life, I would cut down on those to ensure I had enough money for Christmas presents for special people like parents who have done so much for them. If they had a stag do and wedding to go to the weekends away should have been postponed until a later date/cancelled/reduced.

Like many have said before, we do a Secret Santa amongst the 6 adults in the family..we have a spend limit and buy/receive one gift. The kids get gifts from parents, us their grandparents and from their Aunts/Uncles . Enough! Whoever is hosting Xmas asks 'guests' to bring something (e.g. crackers/ Xmas Pudding etc) to ease the cost of the day. Christmas is about sharing good times with each other not spending money on things you do not need!

Please don't stress, they've saved you the worry of what to get them! We told ours long ago (1S + W+ 3 Gc; 1D + H + 2 Gc) that they'd far too much to do coping with their hectic lives today, so no pressies for us - we've got too much stuff already, because we've been around so long. We're also mortgage free so prefer to give them cash for Christmas and birthdays. This is so useful because the young now have so little liquidity but do have credit cards, student loans to pay, and those huge mortgages! We also love to take them out for meals or have take-away so that we can chat and laugh rather than cook and worry. That's the best gift - talking to them about their lives, enjoying them and the moment they're with us and telling them how brilliant they are and how proud they make us feel! So as they're coming to you for part of Christmas, you'll have lots of chatting and catching up to do and don't forget to admire their smart cars, ask to see pics of their homes and activities on their I-phones. Just enjoy!!!

"Admire their smart cars" "See pics of their homes" Oh please!!! That sort of advice is how offspring get so spoils and thoughtless in the first place!

Am talking in this instance obviously where there seems to be little thought for th OP, not saying we should'nt admire where our children have done well in different circumstances

One thing I have seen on this thread is that many posters( Not all)
have said not to buy them anything wither, and to spend their inheritance, That is terrible in my opinion, sirely we give presents because we want to, not just in order to receive something in return.

I think that is a terrible attitude

Really?

The spending their inheritance was a 'joke' ...a bit of lightness and humour!!

No respect for nobody these days , I would be livid x