Estrangement / Cut off Mum

I think being laid back and not wanting more than AC want to freely give is the answer.

And yes, if people ask too much or too often I find no need to answer other than "no" and ignore the request. My daughters' dislike of nagging was learned

Well being laid back is easier said than done when faced with an AC who doesn't want to 'give' anything at all and totally cuts you out of theirs and their children's lives.

Just to explore , maybe what you felt was adequate meets was truly too many for them?

I have a daughter who is not the meet up sort, she has her own scheme on life. Like counting all Eddie Stowbart trucks, they're all so different. Embracing differences seems to help.

I'm sure it is Smileless! Being laid back is one thing when AC are offering something but when they are not, very hard!

Not infrequently it can be the AC's partner who has no interest in seeing the Inlaws, thus the AC may be left with no option other than to go along with his/her wishes resulting in GP's being unable to see the GC. We know that GP's have no 'right' to see the GC (well, they can pursue through the court system but not ideal) and we know that parents are busy with careers, hobbies, friends and children etc etc BUT why deprive little ones of a precious relationhip with their GP's which has been proven to be mutually beneficial.

I never knew any of my grandparents because my mother cut them all out of her life as she was 'too busy.' The positive to come out of this was that I ensured my AC saw my inlaws regularly. Sadly, my mother was never interested. 'Too busy.'

The hurt and pain that some Grandparents on this thread feel is palpable ...frankly "embracing differences" and "being laid back" and suchlike all sounds a bit glib ....some have given further details of what happened and clearly these "solutions" would not have impacted!!!! I count my lucky stars that I'm not in the CO position but I think very hard how to avoid that potential with my DIL who lacks confidence, had a dreadful relationship with her late mother which impacts on her view of behaviours from other women of similar age to what her mum would have been now ie me!!! So far my various strategies have worked but who knows!!! I really feel for those that this has happened to!

Madgran77

A truly empathetic post, all the more so because you are not CO yourself.

Restores my faith in human nature.

It had nothing to do with us wanting 'too many meet ups' Norah and wouldn't that be a truly pathetic reason for cutting your parents out of your life.

I agree that embracing difference is a good thing but embracing cruel, vindictive, manipulative and controlling behaviour isn't as our ES will no doubt come to realise.

Madagran and Fairydoll.

Norah forgive me if I am wrong but it sounds like your daughters are on a pedestal and feel their time is much more important than yours?

How self important to not want parents to initiate a meeting!

Do you consider your offspring more important than yourself ?

Fairydoll how sad your own mum was too busy ?

I am so thrilled my lovley hairdresser has invited me round to her home Saturday do my hair and meet new baby! Hope w wonderful is that,?

Especially when I am feeling so worried over Rosie and not v good with back

Smileless we will never know sadly but can only second guess As fairydoll says that our beloved children have been persuaded into decisions, but of course in my case inexpect it was 6 of s imlaw and half doz blame of daughter, a very sad regrettable situation whatever the cause,

An article in paper last week spoke of a beauty therapist like me whose mum died couple years ago and had menal issues, she was so sad and raising money for her mum, I cut article out and wondered about posting it to my daughter as that was reason or one of them she gave for cutting us off but does t really see. Any point she doesn't give a damn if we live or die we have served our purpose.
Thank god every day for our son and other more loyal family members.

I feel like I'm in a parallel universe when I read the rules and regulations some people claim are needed to have a good relationship with our AC. What in God's name happened to normal loving honest interaction, coloured by the ebb and flow of life? If I believed for one nano second that my son felt unable to tell me if I was overstepping the mark in any way, I would be devastated. Likewise I would never hesitate to tell him if he did. That's the relationship we have....total honesty, which is why the She Devil he married, who refuses to allow me to see my granddaughter, will never win!

Fairydoll and Smileless !!!

I do hold all my daughters as very special women, celebgran, you're spot on. They're all smart, very well educated, sweet, pretty women. Of course they are special to us.

They're our peers, but they have all graduated uni and we have never been, they are far more educated and worldly. We agree their time is much more precious to them than our humdrum DH retired time is to us. We're 72 and mostly only babysitting or off on holiday.

Norah you should have more self esteem

Your daughters seem very self centred IMO

Are you saying because my son and daughter got first class degrees and my son from Cambridge uni there are superior to their parents i.e. Us? I was extremely proud of that but it doesn't make me put them on a pedestal, I know they couldn't have got that far without out total emotional and financial support.

My son would not agree of course I can't speak for ed,

He has always respected us and knows we live our lives to the full my husband still works one day as a pharmacist and I still have therapy clients, but even if we didn't he wouldn't expect us to beg for time with them?! His partner jokes our calendar is fuller than theirs and asks what time works for us.
We try to be thoughtful theymbothnwork full time and my son has extremely high flying job, but am so pleased he doesn't belittle us,

I don't want to set up an argument here but is it only me who thinks this way ?

Interesting article yesterday sorry am rubbish with links saying exactly the same i.e. Why do some parents think their children are more important than them?
It's argues the case that is cause of lot of disrespectful behaviour,

Rosyglow well said

Norah my dear late Mum Never went to uni left school at 14 but definitely wasn't uneducated or unworldly.

I often think she was far better educated and literate than most school leavers nowadays who are unable to do mental arithmetic or spell or even articulate,
I certainly didn't feel she was inferior to myself because I passed 11plusmand went to a good school.

Your children aren't your peers they are a different generation.

Glad to read that children don't belittle you celebgran - so why the need to belitttle Norah ???

I second that Fairydoll 21st March /16.31 = Thank you Madgran77

Sorry, Norah, I didn't mean to suggest that seeing gps on specific occasions necessarily indicates that a co is coming. Just meant that if parents are ignoring all other gp requests to see the gc, it might mean something's wrong, as Smileless' experience bears out.

Also, if the gps keep pushing for more time, it can lead to tensions and arguments (if the parents do reply), which could eventually lead to a co. This happened to one of my friends.

Very, very sad, but it happens.

Fairydoll, so sorry about your mum. Good on you for being able to break the mold and do differently!

Good post Rosyglow, that's the relationship we used to have with our ES until he got married and continue to have with our DS and our lovely d.i.l.

I think it's quite disturbing to read posts from m.i.l.'s who talk about walking on egg shells and keeping their mouths shut for fear of upsetting their d's.i.l. What a sad way to live, to be worried about having an opinion and expressing it for fear of causing a rift.

As heartbreaking as it is to not be able to see our ES and GC, I'm thankful that we don't have to deal with his controlling and manipulative wife.

Rosyglow, I also think it's great that you have such an open relationship with ds, and that this has lasted despite the issues with dil. That's the kind of relationship i have with my dd, and I agree that it prevents a lot of problems.

Does Norah need you Anna as a mouthpiece.?

My post said far more than that.

It certainly wasn't meant to belittle Norah

I was genuinely shocked she held herself and husband in such low self Esteem.

Smilelss it's no way to live but we too were on eggshells with our ed since she married looking back I can see it at time we just wanted to keep the peace.
If she wanted money, help we just said how much, but In the end my dh got weary of it while our s i law was workshy but we never said a word.

My beloved late f i law used to say "you cant have peace at any price"

celebgran I have plenty of self esteem and my daughters are not at all self centered.

My children certainly are my peers, we are all grown adults.

I'm no more or less than they and I did not say I was, nor did I say they belittle us. I was happy they chose to go on to uni, I applaud their efforts to afford and finish uni.

I was married and out of school at 16, first baby at 17 (he was 19). Of course we are far less educated, they all graduated uni. I allowed their time is more precious to them than our humdrum time is to us.

No more, no less, no need to attempt to insert as if from me, I don't agree at all.

Norah your peer group is your age group?

I define peers as individuals of similar characteristics, socio-economic status, level of education (we don't qualify there), and age range. I'm 72, my eldest is 55, we're peers, they're adults just like me.