How To Heal From Estrangement

Pent - I think in a lot of cases there may be a lot of inability to communicate. In my case I was very clear that I would be happy to have both DD and both GB living at home but I would not be housing their partners. There was a demand that DD got a double bed because she is bigger than me! There was a lot of the partners visiting and failing to go home, this also happened at relatives houses but none of us would accept this. We would actually drive the males home. The DDs thought they would get round me with perseverance.
It has always been the case that I can only see the DGC if I have complied with all demands. I would never have done that to my parents nor would they have done that to their parents. The younger generation have other ideas.
I was being a bit of a doormat but the line was very much that I would not provide for the partners.
Thank you for your views.
SPF

SPF your DDs are adults and should know that you set the 'house rules' in your own home. That does not sound unreasonable to me.
If their partners were temporary they were absolutely not your responsibility. If they were long term partners,e.g. DGC dad, then they and your DDs should be contributing to running costs of home if they were thinking of living with you. Good luck in your future plans,

Penst. I have never ever received "rent or digs" money from any of the DDs. Both partners were DGC dads but they both have criminal records which would have affected my insurance and they had drink and drugs involvement. I suppose I could be classed as straight laced. I do not want any of that in my house. I would have been expected to pay all bills provide food and lifts here and there. I have always been expected to pay for everyone even when I was on benefits due to health issues. Not what I had in mind for me or the DDs
I will be doing my utmost to find a new place. Even if it is a temporary move to start with.
SPF

Not straight laced, sensible.

Not straight laced at all SPF, it's perfectly reasonable to want your 'rules' for want of a better way of expressing it, respected.

We were really worried about leaving our home of 28 years in the village where we'd lived for 30 but it wasn't nearly as upsetting as we thought it would be. Moving has enabled us to begin a new chapter in our lives. We've bought all of our good memories with us and although of course the sad ones are with us too, they're easier to bear because those things happened in a different place.

Certainly not straight laced, you have done all you can and above. Your turn now. You can do it.

I vote sensible. Do what works for you. Expect the same of your dd.

Everyone has rules. Mine are somewhat old fashioned and strict. My daughters and granddaughters also have very distinct but less 'yesterday' rules for their homes.

Sugarpuff so pleased you have had so much suport on this thread and just wanted to add mine also to my post, a huge hug also ?❤️?

I had no idea it was so very bad for you it's outrageous not to feel safe in your home, so very very sorry to hear that.

How distressing at least my e daughter could be very loving and kind despite her awful temper tantrums we did love each other so

I would be devastated if I were you, and I do think yes move is only option if you feel strong enough,

Please keep us posted.

Have to add I never received any housekeeping from my daughter ever and when she started working as pharmacist after supporting her for all those years at uni she went off on one when we mentioned contributing something,

Maybe we were too easy going, easy to say afterwards,

However I never had drink drugs to deal with my heart goes out to you,

I have been reading this tread with interest and glad in the knowledge that I am not the only grandmother being subjected to being cut off from my son and grandson. It is unbearable grief at times. I am being emotionally blackmailed for money which makes it even worse - if I give money I can have everything I want - my family and my grandson. This has been going on for 6 years now. My husband died in 2009 and I feel my grieving has been extended with this family loss. I feel very alone and it is not helped by everyone else having their family and grandchildren around them. This forum has certainly helped Thank You

PennieDJ My heart goes out to you

*PennieThat's one of the worse and most brazen things I've come across regarding 'reasons' for estrangement; I'm so sorry.

Penniedj??omg that's just awful

Pennie so sorry for your awful situation

It never get's easier does it, 4.5rs and I still grieve every single day & think of them most of the time, but thankfully, unlike at the beginning, I can now enjoy a tv programme, the radio, a night out with fiends, my holidays & yoga retreats and a decent nights sleep, albeit with 'Kalms nights' all of this was impossible in the first few years God Bless all

Sorry friends even

Yogagirl your are slowly healing ?❤️❤️ So pleased.
It will always hurt us only last night I shed few tears dh was out and I suddenly made myself cry wishing I could see m ed and tell her things then I get reality check she doesn't care,

However good days outnumber bad and that's how I pray you will be too,

Thanks everyone for all the support. I am not used to kind treatment so I get a bit overcome. It is lovely to have friends here. I am here for any if you too. Thanks ladies
SPF

Well get used to the kind treatment SPF there's plenty to be found here and we're more than happy to oblige.

Smileless - I know that a lot of the ladies are going though about the same as me and it is so kind that they and you have time and kindness to help me. I really do appreciate it. I have done quite well today. Been out and about, doing a little speedy driving, going into shops on my own and generally getting about. It may not sound much but it is an achievement in my world.
SPF

Well done Sugarpuff

Sorry for your tears Celebgran I get the same moments of wanting to break down and cry too

SPF, well done, every day getting stronger. You have made a new beginning.
Pennie, so very sorry you are being subjected to such treatment, when you are the one needing support without your husband. Perhaps, by sticking to your guns and not being blackmailed for money, your daughter will come to realise just how much she had taken from you and miss you as a loving mother, your grandson must be missing you to. Meanwhile you come on the forums for support, some might only need it for a while and become reconciled, others unfortunately it almost becomes a part of life that we deal with as best we can.
We are all here for you.

Interesting yet too common problem today. I agree with this sense of entitlement that the 30 somethings seem to feel they have. I have been at the mercy of my son's ex partner and my continuing contact eith his children. Whilst he is fairly supportive he is hampered by also gaving to toe the line, The slightest inconvenience or wrong word can lead to her threatening to stop his contact despite a court order being in place. I fought tooth and nail to maintain contact which included getting a court order but having to negotiate every visit was wearing and in the end made me ill,

So what did I learn from this experience? I decided to keep out of the emotional scrum but stand firm on the contact and behaviours around contact. I now see the children 3 times a year and for the last 2 contacts Mum has not been there and its been far more relaxed and I am becoming friendlier with the maternal grandparents as a result. My son also shares this time. I write to the children regularly and concentrate now on my own well being first and foremost. I lead a full life with my husband and life is much better now.

Marvellous sjp that you were able to get contact order.

I would have loved to do that, my dh couldn't face going to court, part of him refuses to accept our daughter could do this to us And he kept hoping it would change. Sadly it didn't and we not even allowed a photo of xxxxxxsknce she was 9 months old, crueo does t cover it,

Well done SPF that's a huge step forward and gives you something to build on. This is such a traumatic thing to go through, we all need as much support, kindness and understanding that we can get. Thank goodness there's plenty to be found here.

Take care.

5days till my beloved little GD Birthday, she will be 7yrs old, I last saw her when she was 2.5yrs, she was so bright, so articulate, so funny, so loving, I hope all of these things she still is, but I fear that with mental abuse [tried to think of another name than abuse].... Because my GS was slow, they blamed my GD, saying that because she was so quick with everything it made him slow in my book it's the opposite, a bright older sibling will pull up the younger one. My family were so shocked when I suddenly started counting up to 20 when I was a tiny tot, taught by my older sister

Just watched Horizon about people who have a mental problem like sycosis, trying to get a handle on my s.i.l, but he is not like them in the film, he doesn't hear voices [as far as I know], so I think he is a paranoid narsist and maybe not what I have always said, which is a narsistic paranoid schizophrenic, all down to his drug taking!

Madeleine McCann has been gone 10yrs today! I have her hard back book sitting by my bed, bought & read it years ago, when it first came out, don't know why I have left it there, but I look at that little girls face and I do think, if God won't answer her parents prayers to have her returned to them after all this time, how is he going to answer mine