How To Heal From Estrangement

Just realised I've posted my above on the wrong thread, so I'll copy & paste. That's the problem with having so many threads on the same subject

Thank you for your support and thoughts. Yes it is a very sad situation I find myself in but I have to have hope that one day my son will see sense. I am grateful for this forum.

Yogagirl it's soooo damnhard, I will be thinking of you.

Myndear little xxxxxxx will be 9 on 8th June Election Day,

I have a card, which I will send and o doubt a gift card as the other 2 we don't even know birthdays or ages, it is heartbreaking and doesn't get less painful i kinds go into panic when I think of all I have lost.

I was fit and healthy when xxxxxxx was born nine years ago now I can hardly walk or stand it's doubly sad,

celebgran I have replied on 'our' page.

celeb I do feel for you

Well done SPF. A little time out always helps the spirit, imo.

I feel for all the ladies on here. Life can be very cruel.

I haven't spoken to my son for 4 months and have not been allowed to see my beautiful grandchild who has recently had major life saving surgery. Its her 1st birthday soon, I shall send a card and present. I feel dreadful! I'm finding it increasingly hard to cope with the loss. I too am now suffering from bouts of sheer panic where I feel I want to just run away. I'm having counselling to try and accept the situation and I am trying hard to keep myself busy to take my mind off it. But it is so hard! I never thought I'd be in this situation.

I just pray in time ladies things will get better for us all. Big hugs x

Vinta I'm very sorry for your situation, it has only been 4mths, so at this early stage do everything in your power to get back in with your Son and therefore to see your darling GC. I have been estranged for 4.5yrs, I did do everything I could to rectify the situation, but in my case nothing worked. It was my nasty s.i.l & his mother's evil work that got me cut out of my once beloved D & my GC. He is stepdad to my GD and he & his mother were jealous of our love for each other. You haven't mentioned your d.i.l, where is she in all this? It is normally the partner that is behind the cutting out!

I wish you good luck in your efforts to get back with your S&GC, let us know what happens.

Vintage Anna so verynsorry ? Not good Pretending there is easy way to cope but very early days for you let's pray it gets sorted.

Sadly 8 years for me so I get better at dealing with heartache but Itnever goes away, I too still panic and used to wake up at night still do sometimes in sheer terror or dying without seeing my daughter again, and that seems to be likely so I kinda accept it now,

I feel for you, too, Vintageanna. But as pps have said, it is still early days for you, very early. Do you know what triggered this situation? Could it just be temporary becuase ds (dear son) and dil were focusing on their little girl? Knowing what led to this might help you know how to begin to fix it.

Meanwhile, I'm sorry gd was ill and hope the surgery was successful. Saying a prayer for her.

(((Hugs)))

Vintageanna. I too hope that your GD is OK after her surgery and that they'll at the very least let you know how she's doing.

Panic attacks are horrible, they really are; it is the nature of panic attacks to make us feel like running away. When you're having one if you can, find a comfortable chair, close your eyes and breath deeply, in through the nose and out through the mouth. Your heart rate will begin to slow down and the sense of panic will gradually ease.

There a couple of support threads on the go at the moment where you'll find sympathetic support so please join us if you think it may help.

Vintagenanna, I'm sorry. Hopefully soon things will improve.

Hi ladies sorry for the delay in my reply to you all. My history is very complex. I had a very unhappy marriage, was physically and mentally abused for 16yrs, but was too terrified to leave. My children at the time were brainwashed by their father to disrespect me from a very young age (4yrs old). Once I finally plucked up the courage to go my children lived half the week with me the rest with their dad. But the brainwashing continued and within twelve months of me leaving he blackmailed them to live permanently with him or he would cut them both out of his life. So at the vulnerable ages of 13 and 11 they left me. I still continued to see both of them but they very rarely stayed overnight. My ex met somebody else, went on to have more children and when my daughter was 19 and my son was 17 he threw them both out. It was almost like out with old in with the new. I wanted them to live with me but they both wanted to live independently with partners so I was there to support them as much as I could. I have always looked out for them both and I'm always there when I'm needed like any mother should be. They have both had a tough time and now don't have a relationship with their dad. Although I have always been there for them and would do anything to help and support them, there has always been a disrespect for me, which I have found difficult at times especially with my son. I hate to admit this but, I'm frightened of his bullying, abusive behaviour towards me. This has got worse since my GD was born. I found that I have been pushed out and my DIL's mother has more access to visits than me. Please don't get me wrong I'm not jealous and do not expect to see my GD every week as I know that my DIL would rather her own Mum to help that is natural. But I was told by my son that I wasn't allowed round at weekend's as it was their family time and my DIL's mum's time. If I wanted to see my GD it would have to be during the week. This upset me because I didn't get to see my son. However, I went along with it and visited every Wed for 7 months my DIL was always welcoming, but I really missed my son. Mothers day came and my son didn't bother to send me a card and yet put on social media photos of a lovely tea party they had had for my DIL's mum. I was devastated! I didn't mind not seeing him as I know it's their family time but I was hurt I didn't get a card. I challenged him and he said sarcastically he would try and remember next year. I then about two weeks later asked if I could see him as I missed him. He just exploded at me and said he didn't want to see me he needed time to cool off all because I challenged him and asked him two weeks prior where my mother's day card was. So I said ok I'd leave him alone that no matter what I will always love him and he is welcome anytime my door is open when he is ready. Since then I have asked my DIL if I could see my GD and her but I have been ignored. Two weeks later I text my DIL to ask if I could buy my GD a slide for her birthday but again I have been ignored. Sorry to ramble on but I needed to explain the circumstances.
It's the worse feeling I just feel so hollow I'm finding it so hard not seeing my family and struggling to deal with the rejection. I know it's very early days but it still is so hard!
I feel so sorry for you ladies who have had no contact for years it's tragic! Smileless thank you for the tips on dealing with panic attacks I will try it. Yogagirl I have today sent my DS a birthday card I'm hoping it's an Olive branch but I don't hold out much hope. Starlady thank you for your kind words about my GD. As far as I know she is reasonably ok may need more surgery in the future. Thank you ladies x

Thanks for telling us more, Vintage. Glad to hear gd is ok.

So sorry to hear about your troubled history and the way your ex taught your kids to disrespect you. Of course, that's affecting your relationship with ds today. Maybe ds was just stressed because of gd and took it out on you (ugh!). But it sounds as if his attitude is rooted in more than that. My heart goes out to you!

Imo, after their dad kicked them out, ds and dd both should realize who the truly caring parent is. But that may take more time for ds to see. sadly. Hopefully, this time apart is giving him a chance to reflect.

Idk why you can't still see gd since you usually see her when ds isn't there. But we don't know what ds said to her. I hope that he will calm down soon, and that when he does, you will get to see gd again.

My heart goes out to you!

Thank you starlady it is definitely deep rooted with both my children but especially my son. I think he is ready to crack. It breaks my heart that I can not help him. My DIL has always been fine with me as I with her. So I can only assume that my son has stopped her from having contact with me.
In the next few weeks I am going to an event where my DIL will be so it will be interesting to see if she talks to me. Of course I won't wait for her I will speak to her even if the response isn't what I want.
Thank you for your support xx

You're very welcome, Vintage. Hope things go well at that event!

I've just read all of your posts, very slowly and absorbing every word and my heart is breaking for you. I know only too well the feelings described. I know the sleepless nights only too well and the feelings of hurt and helpless to do anything asking 'why' - over and over.

My son moved to Spain years ago when he was 35. When I dropped him at Gatwick Airport, his words were 'call you later - love you mum'. Nothing - for 9 years.

He was always a 'difficult' child and was given to periods of absence or not getting in touch. I sent him emails regularly for the first year but there was no response. I eventually sent him an email saying that if I didn't hear from him I was going to report him as a missing person. Two days later I received a response saying that he was fine and that he'd met a lovely girl and was happy. I heard nothing more for years, despite sending him occasional emails saying 'thinking of you' and 'please, please get in touch', etc. He didn't respond. 9 years passed. I knew that he was alive and well as he had a friend in the UK who would get in touch with me now and then to let me know that he'd heard from him.

A year and a half ago, my phone rang. It was my son. He told me that he and his GF were expecting a baby. Cutting a long story short, I've been to Spain and met my now 8 month old GS and I'm visiting again in June - at their invitation.

I did ask my son the reason for the NC. There were a few reasons (depression, a period of smoking drugs, moving jobs) but the most notable one was when he said he'd let it go on for too long. He avoided getting in touch as he said he couldn't bear the thought of hearing the pain in my voice. He was also concerned about reproach from his two brothers - which doesn't exist as they're both delighted that he's been in touch.

The main reason I wanted to post this is for the GPs who say they are baffled as to the reason for the NC but feel that other people aren't convinced. I remember well the feeling of 'people must look at me and think - you must have done something'. I really hadn't and my son would be the first one to say so. He knows I come to GN and may well read this. Some DC do go NC through no fault of their parents.

I'm also hopeful that perhaps this post may give someone a little glimmer of hope for the future. I had resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn't see or hear from him again and had all the associated feelings that accompany that resolve.

I now have to take my courage in both hands and hit the 'send' button. I'm fearful that I may have spoken out of turn and apologise if I have. Please know that this is sent with heartfelt encouragement and kind wishes to everyone who is going through the darkness of estrangement.

Here goes ...

juney I'm so glad for you that your DS re-established contact with you. You always kept the door open for him and what strikes me about your post is the complete absence of anger or bitterness.
I hope you have a wonderful time with them in June.

Juney64, heartwarming!

Indeed a heartwarming story Juney64

Let it bring hope to parents who are currently estranged.

Further, I do hope your story goes some way to proving to the cynics who appear from time to time that estrangement can happen to anyone, often for no discernible reason.

Thank you Jane. I did go through a short period of anger in the early days but resisted the feeling as much as I could. I knew that anger would hurt only me. Anger changed to a deep sadness quite quickly.

I'm glad that you found this heart warming Norah. That was my hope so thank you.

Fairydoll - I hope so too. Some people who haven't experienced estrangement can sometimes be judgemental in my experience. It's an awful feeling when you know within yourself that you really have done nothing at all.

I'd love to be able to say that everything is rosy in the garden. There is always collateral damage though. Mine takes the form of lack of trust. I live in fear that my son may do this again. He knows that I worry about this and promises that it won't. I wish I could be sure but I will take what I'm offered right now and hope for the best.

Again, sending kindest hopes and wishes to everyone going through this.

Juney Thank you so much for sharing your story with us 9yrs! such a long time! So pleased to hear your happy ending and reconciliation with your DS with a bonus of a nice d.i.l and baby GC too whow!

Unfortunately there is no hope of a reconciliation for me, not until my estD is no longer with her nasty H & his mother

Such a heartwarming story, Juney! Thanks for sharing!

It just goes to show that, sometimes, someone goes nc because of issues in their own lives, nothing to do with the other person. Good to know!

juney I think the other thing about anger, apart from it hurting you, is that if it is expressed, even if it is justified, it can lead to things being said in the heat of the moment which actually make the problem worse and deepen the alienation.
Least said, soonest mended isn't a popular meme these days but it has a lot going for it imho.

Yoga girl none of us know things change in a heartbeat I know birthday s gave been tough for u

When is your next yoga retreat!?
This break on Tenerife is doing us so much good

Juney it wonderful for u but sounds like there was no nastiness on your sons part that's good enjoy the little one