How To Heal From Estrangement

Nina well put as OP and in your other post about working with women and coming across cut off grandparents a lot in your work.

For me its 7 years and I have been through many of the stages. For the sake of my sanity, my other loving relatives and my lovely friends, I have fought hard to be accepting of the estrangement and to move on, to refuse to let it rule or ruin my life.

I think the longer it goes on the less chance of ever building a relationship. Too much hurt has occurred. Grandchildren raised with us air brushed out of their lives, goodness knows what stories have been told to cover the fact we are not there. Perhaps when, bright grandchildren becomexafukts, they might question why they have no family members close.

Sadly I agree with you Luckylegs which is why, as Sparkly posted there comes a time when you have to accept the estrangement, move on and do all that you can not to allow it to rule or ruin your life.

Are those easy things to do? No, but it can and does happen.

I agree with you both sadly, Luckylegs and Smileless, if enough time has passed by, if we were ever to get a chance, it might not be possible to build a relationship with our estDGC.

All I can do for mine is pray they are safe and have lovely happy adult lives.

There have been times when I've thought that perhaps when it comes to our GC never knowing them might be better.

For them to come into our lives when we're old and perhaps only have a year or two left would on the one hand be wonderful but on the other, would be a stark reminder of all those years that we never knew them, or them us.

I agree Smileless, and it would feel painful beyond bearing I think.

I also think if they come looking for us when they are 25, how sad that will be.

I have told my est sons father that with todays fashion for family history and knowing who you are in terms of parents and grandparents, it will be awful if our DGC have to wait until their 20s to find us, similar to people who have been adopted.

Anyway, onward and forward....

I agree Smileless & Sparkly Even now, with my GD being 7.5yrs & GS 6.5yrs. I still stop and think what a tragedy, what a waste of all that love we had for each other I've always got a lump in my throat, as if I'm about to cry. If one day we are reunited, I feel I will still feel sorry, for all those lost years that can never be recaptured

Yogagirl yes, reading what you said there, brought a lump to my throat, the tears are there so near.

celebgran, how well are you recovering? Be careful, do all your physio.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

So much hurt and loss here. Beyond my experience, but I think this thread has brought this sad, sad phenomenon into view for many for the first time. Thank you nina for highlighting this issue and the complexities surrounding it. To all who are aching - well there are no words, but sincerest condolences . It has been heart-wrenching to read of your losses and the ongoing pain you have to brave.

I think it likely that some GCs will search in later years. You are keepers of family history, of memories of their parent's childhoods. I think many will want to know about you in later years and that parents are storing up so many sad troubles not to value you.

My heart goes out to you, Sally! xx

Can you give us some idea of how you're being "slowly cut out' of ds' (dear son's) and gc's (grandchild's) lives? Are they deliberately asking you to watch gc less often? Or has gc outgrown the need for a carer? Are they cutting back on visits for no apparent reason? Or is it just that gc is getting older and more involved with extracurriculars and activities with friends? I know it's hard to take either way, but please give us a clearer picture.

My above post should have said feel sorrow not sorry

Morning all, on this foggy morning!

Dear AquaSally I'm afraid my advise to you would be to carry on as you are doing, in order to stay in your GD life, terrible as it is going to be to do this, but the alternative is never seeing your GD again. I haven't seen mine for 5yrs now, my crime was to love my D&GC with all of my heart & soul, which incurred immense jealousy from my beloved GD stepdad & his mother.

Thank you Imperfect 5yrs of daily grieving has impacted greatly on my health. I now have sever vertigo, that I've been told can be brought on by continues stress!

I do not particularly gel too well with one of my DIL's but the way I look at it, harshly maybe, but gets me through and enables me to keep in contact with my GC, is I say to myself she is nothing to me she is not important to me my GC are the important ones and that is why I visit.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sally, I'm not sure what you mean by "submissive." If it's following ds and dil's rules for gd, imo, that's not submissive, it's respecting their wishes for their child. That's a good thing, imo.

But it seems your time with gd has been cut down, anyway. I'm so sorry. You say that's only when you take care of her, so maybe 4 hours a week is all they need now that she's in the private day nursery? Or do they need more but have someone else to watch her other days?

It must hurt terribly not to get to see her on holidays. Are their tensions between you and ds/dil that would account for this? Could it just be that you adults are uncomfortable with each other, and your not seeing gd is a by-product of that? Or maybe they just want her to spend holiday time with relatives she doesn't see regularly?

Sorry for so many questions. Just trying to help you figure this out.

Also, does "Granny" refer to you or another gp or a ggp? Did anything happen at Granny's house that made ds and dil decide it was off limits? Even something so "small" as "Granny gave gd a forbidden piece of chocolate" might set some parents off.

Sally It's jealousy from your d.i.l for sure, unfortunately your son is backing her not you, at least you get 4hrs, I get zilch. My daughter backed her nasty H in cutting me out; brainwashed into hating her whole family and cutting everyone out! She could have said no', I'll see my mum & sister at theirs but she didn't. If I was in your shoes, knowing what I know now, I would keep as quiet as a mouse, I would tread on eggshells, I would agree with everything they say [but thinking ^that's not right^] just to keep in my beloveds lives. The alternative is a life of grieving for the living!

aquamarineSally, is it possible that 4 hours is the time the couple have available? They probably want to spend any other time with her themselves to family time?

Serkeen, I think you have the good outlook to the GC and parents.

I am going through hell at the moment - 4 years ago, two d.i.ls entered into my life, within a year of each other and turned it upside down. Things were ok at first...little did I know what was to come. It first started with animosity towards my daughter....the girls did not like her, because she is a bit opinionated and is very forthright. She tends to say exactly what she feels. They had a big fall out but did reconcile and things settled.
Over the last 2 years, the 2 dils became very close and much to my shock and sadness, they have become close with my ex-husbands new wife, who I'm sure is stirring things.
Anyway, to cut a long story, the d.i.ls have now turned against me. The older one in particular, snaps at me at every turn and corner. Everything I say is wrong, to the point where I hardly talk to both of them. The older one has 2 little ones and the younger has one. I hardly see the older two grandchildren. When I complain to my son, who works away a lot, he tells me to sort the visitation with his wife and not to involve him. I feel so let down by him. The younger d.i.l. is more amenable and I see their baby a bit more, once a week perhaps. However, my big problem is that these 2 d.i.ls talk to each other almost, and I wonder my casual comments about the situation are carried . I don't know how to deal with it. I feel so alone....my daughter is no help ...she just tells me to ignore them. My heart aches so much ...I so want to see the little darlings, but I am fed up of begging to see them...it's always "I've got other plans".

Wish I had an answer for you Sally and CrazyH, it's a case of dammed if you do and dammed if you dont. I had years of playing the game, but in the end I still lost out. You never get those years back. I really think jealousy of the bond between gc and grandparent is to blame, instead of seeing it as enhancing everyone's lives, they view it as a threat. No one can ever guess just how bad this estrangement is, I am not the same person, how I wish I didn't care.

CrazyH so sorry for your plight. My advise would be the same as I have said above to Sally. Once your 'cut out' you are out for good & forever, so as hard as it is to do, just hang on to the thread you have with your DGD. As Luckylegs has said, the d.i.l see you as a threat, with their C & H, crazy, just like your name on here. I wish you good luck