Support for Grans cut-out of AC&GC lives

Smileless. Your post @ 14.03 describes my sons partner to a T.

True, you can never ‘win’ but they make their own misery, so in a way, you do,

Does anyone know of a happy narcissist?

I've walked away too. Everyday I recite the following"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change", etc. It's no good trying to sort this situation out, you never win with a narcissist. Once I accepted this I felt better and enough was enough. I've left the door open and my daughter knows I'm here for her. I read "enough take your life back from the narcissist" "there is life after narcissistic abuse". I had to be got rid of, as I saw through his lies. I feel very positive and hopeful but I don't dwell on it. I'm sorry for those going through this, but I tbh won't stay on here as its too negative for me. Take care.

Maddy, rereading your earlier posts, I realize I misread before. For some reason, I thought you said your DS' SON asked if dh were dead - that's why I didn't understand. I think it was because earlier you said that "DD and DIL" upset you. But I think you meant "DD and SIL." So I guess that's where the confusion came in. Sorry.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Smileless and Lucky. Sometimes, Imo, walking away is the best thing one can do, even if it's oh so hard.

Suebeck, my heart goes out to you!

10 years is a long time - but long enough, I guess, to have gotten some perspective on the situation.

"No one can take away our love however hard they try, so we have to leave well alone but leave the door open, for the time our daughter comes back to us."

I think you have a very beautiful attitude. I hope someday your d or her kids reach out to you.

Thanks for the Christmas wishes! Happy Christmas to you, also! And to everyone else here, too!

I think we all try hard to be positive sue beck I do know u quite well and felt v sorry for you alone with no one

I thank god every day for my dh and son and I hope we all try and be positive this is suport thread but none of us wallow in our upsets

I do think we should all try post positive stuff a little more maybe?
However when one of us is low i.e. My depression it's great we can all support each other
I dislike labels but have to accept my s i law must be major player in our situation but he is only doing what my daughter wants other than 4 years ago when she wanted her dad to see children and he absolutely refused.

But, celeb, that sounds like he might have influenced her view. I'm not saying she doesn't bear any responsibility for that - she didn't have to let him influence her that way. But when one is with someone day after day, and they keep making negative comments about somebody, I suppose it can color one's pov.

Now I can't imagine anyone being able to influence me so much that I turned totally against my parents. But maybe some people?

But about the "narcissism" that Sue mentions - funny thing, but in the "Brainwashing" thread in this same Relationships forum, some people are talking about parents/gps who are "narcissistic" and saying that's why they get co. NOT saying that's true in your case, Sue. I don't get that impression of you or anything like that. But this accusation seems to get flung in both directions.

Morning ladies, I thank you again for all your caring support, it means so much to me. We have developments, after the phone calls our daughter emailed my husband giving us an ultimatum, either my husband and I meet with them face to face and agree they are not to blame for what happened (they deny that they've denied us contact with the children with the children despite all our phone calls, emails etc) or complete contact will be removed (citing it's not good for the children to see us sporadically at family birthdays etc) so we should not send gifts, cards, expect them to attend birthdays, funerals etc and in anticipation of this they have removed our membership of Lifecake (an online site for parents to post photographs of children which only invited people can see) and when I checked she had indeed blocked us on Lifecake!

My sons say she is trying to take back control because DH countered their arguments on the phone, even telling them that we are being bullied by them. As Mr M has said he will eat no more humble pie, he responded differently to previous calls, as his last email to them, where again he told the truth to them. They are bullying us, and they don't like us defending ourselves now, unlike previous occasions. So what to do? We might email and tell them to have a nice Christmas, and we will too, and then we'll sort it out in the new year. We're not sure though. Interestingly, daughter phoned a couple of days later 'to check you got the email' because we hadn't responded!

I am almost at the point that smileless and sue reached. Mr M is definitely there, shall we walk away to help ourselves? This situation is intolerable and is making me ill again, crying, despair, early waking again, with our adored twins on my mind. I echo celeb's cry, how can they be so cruel, to us and the children? But I know the answer, they want total control.

celeb I'm glad you're carrying on with the antidepressants, I do hope you feel a little better soon. You have had such a lot this year, and I can tell from your posts how deeply you still grieve for your grandchildren (as do all the posters on here), I would definitely give the godmother you mentioned a very wide berth for the moment, she behaved unfeelingly towards you, and you need love and care at this difficult time in your life. Concentrate on getting well, a day at a time, and think about being with your son at Christmas .

smileless We are considering walking away as you did, but what a difficult decision it is to make, I'm not sure I want to make it before Christmas. I think you were brave to do it, did Mr S agree, did you make the decision together, was the conflict just beyond living with? So many questions, I'm sorry, it might help me to know how it happened.
But I can sense your excitement about your son coming over, I'm so happy for you that this lovely thing is happening, are his the grandchildren you're now able to scype?

Yes your right about narcissists Smileless I made the mistake of entering the fight, by going to court for a visitation order, but we are still in the same sad boat, even though we did the opposite to each other

Sorry you are going Suebeck I understand where you're coming from, have a nice Xmas & I'm sure you will enlighten us if you get reunited with your DD & DGDs, which of course I pray you do. God Bless

Why are you on here Starlady ?? Go back to the thread where you are advising the D.i.l to cut out his Mother & all her husbands birth family, & as I said on there Busgy compliment wasn't real, read the posts!!

yogagirl Thank you for your comments, but just need to explain, the police have never been called to us, it was sue who they were called to. What a terrible thing to happen to her, if we didn't know it did actually happen to one of our estranged grandparents, it would be difficult to believe, but believe it I do.

Yogagirl, keep strong, I read your sadness in your posts.

Oh Maddy How absolutely awful, how cruel your D is to her Mum & Dad! I had the same, we all did on here & as I have said above, Smileless & I both did the polar opposites to each other, yet we are still both in the same sad boat. So I hate to say, that whatever you do, if your s.i.l wants you out, you're out, no matter what you do

For the first 3mnths I did cow-tale to them. I did apologize [for what, I still don't know] I asked for a meeting with his m&d there too. I went round to my D's & in the doorway I held her hand and crying said please don't do this, I love you, I love Laila, I love Jack Her response was to throw the 'Milky buttons' I had bought for L&J out onto the street, pushed me out the door & closed it. Poor little L&J ran along the window waving to me, blowing me kisses Need a crying icon on here!

Thank you Maddy xxx

yogagirl Just re-read your posts, another almost unbelievable event, your SIL actually had your daughter sectioned. It sounds as though he was the one who needed treatment to me!
The children are the ones who suffer, your poor little granddaughter without her mummy, oh my dear God, what is happening with these people!

I hope you are spending Christmas with your ND, does that mean nice daughter? Then I have two NSs, meaning nice sons, and a nice DiL, and a nice SsP (son's partner) . Keep smiling yogagirt.

Oh yogagirl just read your post of a few minutes ago and it started me crying, it's so unutterably awful, what they do. for you, I don't know what else to say.

Sorry Maddy should have left a few lines space, police thingy I wasn't deeming from you, but take these stories as a word of warning, Celebgran was warned off by the police too and by the sound of things......

Yes Maddy I am spending Xmas with my niceD & niceS.i.l, not forgetting my darling little GD from them, she is 2yrs & 5mnths, sooo funny, sooo lovely & cute I don't mention her on here, as I feel I may be hurting the Grandmothers who are not lucky enough to have another grandchild, so I don't want to be putting even the slightest more pain into their hearts, I think they have enough

sue I'm sorry you're going too, you've been through such a kot. The loss of so many members of your family, and the loss of your daughter and grandchildren. I admire you for managing without antidepressants, I know I can't, because I already had the family tendency to depression from years ago. But I know positivity helps, as does exercise and faith or meditation.
Happy Christmas sue and please look in again.

Morning ladies. Walking away was a decision that we made together maddy but to begin with Mr. S. did so for my sake because the estrangement, particularly living so close and 'seeing' our GC, was quite literally tearing me apart. I could see what it was doing to him and I could also see the inner turmoil he was going through, desperately clinging on to that tiny hope that our ES would come back to us.

It wasn't the conflict, there wasn't any really, it was 'the nothing'. We didn't get abusive 'phone calls, we got abusive emails; just the thought of their content results in a panic attack looming.

Yogagirl and I often refer to how we did the complete opposite of one another and are still in the same boat and I think that's the key. As is often said on this thread, you can't do right for doing wrong.

You said you think walking away is brave, perhaps it is but I think it's equally as brave, if not more so to continue to put yourself in the firing line. To try and make contact, even sporadically and be confronted with their rejection all over again. To listen to or read their abuse in the vain hope that you, by countering their arguments with what is real, is going to get through to them and make a difference.

I didn't think about walking away. I didn't ponder and question whether or not it was the right thing to do, if it would be the final nail in the coffin I simply realised one day that it was what I had to do and what Mr. S. needed to do, so we did.

TBH I'mat the level of and openness of your D's overriding need for control. Your son is right, this is a reaction to your husband's response to her abuse. I am certainly not in the position to give advice but I will say is this. If you believe that having any form of contact will be beneficial to you then do so. If you believe that walking away is the best thing for you and your husband then do that. There comes a point I think when it's not what they think or how they feel that matters, it's how you feel. It's not what the impact of walking or not walking away may have on them that's important, it's the impact on you and your husband if you don't.

Our DS doesn't have children maddy, our only GC are the ones we are not allowed to see.

You take care too suebeck and if you should ever need us, we'll be here. Have a Merry Christmas.

That's an interesting point about narcissists Starlady. It was a friend who initially sent us some information about them, we'd never considered that may be the case with our d.i.l. until we read it and were to see how much she had in common with them.

One thing about narcissists is their desire to be in control, the centre of their own universe and the centre of the universe for every one around them. They don't want to be challenged and if there's someone in the lives that they believe will do, will see through the mask they wear to what lies beneath, they get rid of them.

What I find interesting is that those who have CO parents and GP's are accusing them of being narcissists when in their own behaviour is an example of narcissism.

Oh dear, such a long post; well it looks as if I'm getting into book writing as well maddy.

Thank you Maddyone. Merry Christmas to you too.

Yogagirl our s i law went to police and yes they tried to issue us an harassment warning we refused to sign it and our mp sorted it for us the chief inspector told our daughter it wasn't harassment to send our grandchildren presents or cards, we were lucky as had a very good mp. However the fact that s i law did this was pretty awful

Maddyone I do hope you can manage to keep some contact it ismso difficult as others say if a son or d i law had decided to try and split the family.

Thanks for kind advice ref daughters godmother it is preying on my mind as add to believe she doesn't seem care how ill I feel, but I agree I need my loyal kind friends at moment despite length of friendship.

It seems strange maddyone to email you these ridiculous conditions like provoking you then checking you got email.

Sue beck your case is complicated.

I would never advise anyone to walk away while there is any hope. 8 years of no contact at all has all but destroyed us. We are lucky indeed with my nephew and family and a very wonderful son and. Social life but loss of only daughter and 3 Grandaughters is huge,

On bright note I managed get up drive dh work and go acquacsie. Back is niggling but groin ok one or the other!
Had 2 messages from dear son in Afghanistan which is lovely.

First Xmas party tomorrow afternoon will go as don't think it helps sitting at home despite having push myself,

Have good evening all x

Yogagirl ? Justmread about throwing milk buttons at you omg we did similar inwrote countless letters and cards despite mynbest friend advising me not to as she said I had done nothing wrong and she would tell me if I had, she's a good friend like that.
None of it helped
For x as 2009 and 8 years we sent gifts, made up stockings for each little girl as the 2nd and third were born never even had a thank u once so even tho I photographed it all for xxxxxxxblog I can't carry on it's got me too low and at moment I have focusmon trying to get well,
Had my hour assessment with health in mind yesterday and Friday they decide if I am elibible for therapy will probably be better before get it!
Never mind am doing my best to take any help I can.
Then dh took me out and we had a very pleasant walk round marks and got dh 2 lovely jumpers then nice lunch out. Also ran into old friend which was great despite not good for back standing!
So things slightly better thank god.

Sorry I rambled meant to say yes yogagirl u me reacted differently to smilless but end result same for us all ?

Sorry I did say we were going be more positive