Adult children

So sorry to hear you are upset and feeling rejection. Both your sons are unmarried and so what their girlfriends choose to do is their business. They maybe the mothers of your grandchildren but not your daughter in laws and have no obligation to you. They may not consider their partner's family any concern of theirs. Your own daughter sounds as if she's not sure what to do. It may be a good idea to ask when she and her husband are free and book a meal out for you and her family to celebrate Christmas. It is a very hard situation but your son's partners are with them and have not in anyway agreed to be involved with their partner's family. I'd feel rejected too but you have a daughter and son in law who are your family.

I can empathise with you as our daughter has very pushy in laws who stay with them a lot, ostensibly because they live three hours away. It can be rather too much when something has been planned with our daughter, SiL and the DGC and along come Mr and Mrs In Law who then proceed to monopolise the children and have actually, physically shouldered me out of the way!

My daughter told me recently that her MiL felt ‘pushed out’ by her own daughters in-laws, and is determined to have her ‘share’ of these younger grandchildren. We have worked a way round it, and we see our grandchildren every week or so which is lovely, but we don’t expect to see them, and it’s certainly not a competition. Our daughter also finds her in-laws a bit cloying, but appreciates that they love the children so takes the rough with the smooth.

I hope it improves for you, there has been some excellent advice here, with some very thoughtful ideas and suggestions - and helpful, I think, to have differing points of view ?

Go away for Xmas but give all your family a date for maybe a big buffet get together in Jan when most people are less busy. If you give them adequate notice it shouldn’t be a problem. If it dosnt work out, maybe at some stage you may have to have that chat and ask if there is an underlying issue here that needs resolving. It is so hard these days when most people’s jobs are so stressy and time consuming, that close relatives do feel neglected. Do the same again in the summer, have a garden party for them all. I agree that your daughter should be assertive with her in laws re visits, and it should never make her late for other arrangements.

Tell them you're leaving all your estate to Cats Protection (or whichever charity you wish). That'l bring them round soon enough!

Sorry, cynical I know but might have a ring of truth.

Looking at the Christmas Calendar, why not invite them all for a Christmas tea on the Saturday, 30th December. The 27th, 28th, and 29th would be good but could be a problem with their work commitments. There is also 6th January, Kings Day which is when presents are given out and Christmas celebrated in some countries.

Make it an open house between 3pm to 8pm so they aren't tide to time and they can fit it in around other commitments.

Doesn't have to be a big meal more mince pies, sausage rolls, quiche etc. Things that can be kept if not eaten. You could also say this is when you are giving out your presents to them (if you give them presents.) It would be a good time to give the children their presents.

Make it clear you this is your way of getting together with the whole of your family at Christmas which you feel if very important

I agree with1Jodie, book yourselves a lovely holiday for next Christmas and let your family know only a few weeks before what you are doing. It may just make them think a little.
Good Luck with whatever you decide.

Hi Coconut. Just read your thread and we are thinking on the same lines.

You are so not alone . Waiting now for sons visit as his wife is out for the day and pro sky at a loose end . Sceptic yes I am like so many x

I think you should wait until after the New Year before saying anything as before Christmas young parents are often so busy that tempers flare.

Sometime in February, I suggest you either invite all your children or if you prefer invite one child + partner at a time and say you have something you need to discuss.

First tell them you have rightly or wrongly a feeling that they are distancing themselves, so you would like to know whether you have hurt them quite unintentionally in some way. This way you are not accusing them so much as
sounding concerned. Tell them you miss seeing them and would like to be more in touch, but that you respect the fact that they have busy lives. Then see how you can progress from there.

I would quite frankly tell the son who makes plans to visit and then changes them, that this is annoying, as you have made preparations for a visit that does not take place. The older we get the more most of us need to be able to plan ahead, we are no longer up to running around at the last minute buying food or baking!

I would be equally frank with my daughter and tell her that I resent feeling that I have to take second place to her in-laws, because they are pushy, and she obviously either will not or cannot tell them that she is going to visit you, so she has no time to see them if they drop in , as she is half-way out the door to see you.

I'm sure you know how to put all this so as not to force your children onto the defensive, making things worse.

If you say and do nothing now, you are going to feel more and more resentful. I feel it is worth the effort to try and change things now - the longer you leave it, the more impossible it will become and the more unreasonable your reaction might appear to your children.

Tell them in the early spring that you expect them all for Christmas dinner next year, as they were with their in-laws this year. That is quite the done thing where I live, that young couples go to his parents one year and hers the following year, or invite his one year, and hers the year after.

Above all make it clear that you love and miss them - start by saying that.

If nothing changes, then stop lending them money, say you now longer can afford to do so.

Sadly, there are SOOOOO many of us in a similar situation. It's not until you mention it, that you realise how many parents are affected like this.

Hubby and me now lead our own lives, otherwise we'd go nuts.

We love our kids, but it has to be a two way love.

Don't fall into the trap of trying to buy their company. I suspect they don't realise how you feel as they have their own lives to get on with but then so do you. They are grown ups now, I don't suppose your parents were able to dish out the cash and you probably grew up the better for it, stop letting them take you for granted as being a bank and let them sort their own finances would be my advice but then that is easier said than done

How about taking a different tack & book a short break away with your husband over the Christmas period, you may well enjoy it & not be depressing yourselves worrying that you are not wanted, I say this as I have found out the hard way learning mostly that when they need you they will call, & to be honest I may have been a bit like it myself to my parents & inlawswhen my kids were young but it wasn't through any malice. it's so admirable & natural that you want to help , but you still have a life, try to focus on something that you want to do.

One comment jumped out of the page for me ‘my adult children often borrow money’. I’d wager this is at the heart of it, if you are always happy to lend them money I’m afraid respect for you will take a back seat and you become dispensable until the next time. Be firm, be fair, make them stand on their own two feet and don’t let their money problems impact on your own happiness.

bella2 - I feel for you and - although this will be of little comfort - I think this has become the way of the world. Also, sons are awful at keeping in touch. We have two of them and we always seem to be the ones to initiate contact.

I am not surprised that they ask if other siblings are also coming. For all you know, one partner may not get on well with another's partner and wants to avoid them or they themselves are not speaking to each other. Had you considered that this may be why they say no?

Perhaps it is best to focus invites around your and your DH's birthdays as that may make them feel more guilty if they say no. Let them know about it well in advance and nearer the time, making it clear that you don't want any presents, and maybe make it a tea so that they know they don't have to stay for as long as they would if it was a main meal.

If they are still reluctant to come or simply decline nearer the time, you will know for sure that they don't attach any importance to keeping in touch with you. In the meantime, build up your own lives and contacts as much as you can.

As for lending or giving them money, that should stop. To avoid a confrontation, you can always say that you've just had a big expense on changing the boiler or car repairs and that you need to build up your savings again in case of any more unexpected emergencies. Keep this up and they'll soon get the message.

Don't be swayed by any sob stories about your GCs' welfare either. Just say "I wasn't aware that [GC] needs X. It must be [specify time period] since I saw him/her so I had no idea about.....".

I hope this helps.

I am also one who has waited for the DC and DGC to realise that there should be fairness in the allocation of time over Christmas. Last year I had other plans but gave them up because 1DD asked me to go to her house. I went even though I knew ExH would be there I was polite but ExH started shouting at me about something which DD had mentioned. I wanted to walk out but DGC were in a bedroom playing computer games and I had hoped to spend time with DGC. I sat it out, politely thanked them for the meal and then left. How I wish I had stuck to my own plans.
This year I have plans which I hope to stick to no matter what. These plans do not include any DC or DGC. I do not want to waste the day.
It might be easier if you are a couple to go away. I have never gone away any type of holiday since well before becoming widowed. I don't have the courage to go alone. DCs have not worked this out. The Bank of This Mum closed a while back which may be significant.

I find it quite sad "That is quite the done thing where I live, that young couples go to his parents one year and hers the following year, or invite his one year, and hers the year after" grandtanteJE65. I remember that on Christmas afternoon it was taken for granted that we took our children to Grandparents to tea and reciprocated on Boxing Day. Didn't want to hurt their feelings but we would have loved to have the time totally alone with our children on just one Christmas Day. Have ensured that our own daughters never feel this to be a problem (I hope) and who remain flexible and caring.

It's sad when children drift away from their parents and, although it seems it is often the DiLs who seem to cause the problem, it can be daughters too. I'm lucky that I am very close to my two adult daughters both in distance and relationships but never just pop in without checking if it is okay first. They know I am willing to loan them money but there is always a plan to pay it back and no more is forthcoming until the first debt is repaid and they understand that. I also would only lend money for essentials like car repairs.

Your daughter does NOT have to be at the beck and call of her in-laws; she chooses to be so. If she has made other plans she should just tell them it's convenient for them to call at that moment especially if they live close so haven't made any significant journey to get to her home.

In future, I would give them all a deadline to confirm visits by and, if they don't, sort out your own plans and stick to them and make your self more inaccessible for emergency cash and tell them that you don't think they appreciate it.

Bella2 - I feel for you and understand too. For various reasons we won't be seeing most of our family over Christmas and New Year. It is just the way things have worked out but when I was told about their arrangements for the holiday period I was so hurt and upset. This was about 2 months ago and since then DH and I have done a lot of talking and thinking. We knew that there was a tendency to contact us when they needed something so we have shifted our stance on that. We are not just as readily available and have made it clear we will help out when it fits in with our plans and we have also decided to spend more time and money on us.
Weather permitting, we will be spending Christmas Day walking in the Lake District, something we have always wanted to do. I feel now, that, what was at the time devastating has come something very positive and I really hope you can come to a similar way of thinking.

We are in a similar position feeling out of sight out of mind until required by my son and his new partner. We have learned however to just accept this situation and make the most of the times we see them and the grandchildren .its been a long hard lesson but life goes on so my advice would be like others have try to please yourselves and enjoy life as best you can .

I'm with janeainsworth, stop lending them money. Just say you can't afford to anymore.
At least then you won't feel used.

So sorry you feel so bad. I think Christmas makes us all aware of what’s happening around us When we are constantly shown adverts of the perfect family.
When our on DD got married I had her mil, worse for wine, holding on to me all night telling me she wasn’t going to lose her son. Asking me repeatedly how much I loved her son. That first Christmas there was such a fuss over who’s house they would spend Christmas at. I told our DD not to worry, go to the in laws and come to us on Boxing Day. The in laws may have seen this as a sign of weakness because we have been excluded constantly ever since. We blame our son in law and his family but as quizqueen says our DD does have choices.
We closed the bank of mum and dad after parting with thousands and they have had no interest in us since. They had a new kitchen installed and have a problem that we didn’t not offer to pay for it. It’s heartbreaking but at least we are not being used any more.
As parents we think we are doing the best for our children but sometimes we create an environment which allows us to be abused.
If you take charge at least you will know we’re you stand and may make you feel better in the long run. Try and have a happy Christmas x

This is just such depressing reading. I feel for you all and hope you can find a way to make Christmas enjoyable for you all.

I also feel my adult children have distanced themselves. My sons are more involved with their wife/girlfriends families and my daughter lives alone miles away ans seems to expect me to visit her as she has a busy life but I’m finding it too much.
Their dad and I don’t have a happy marriage so that may put them off visiting.
I see one son regularly as I help with childcare but I can’t saythat we are close.

For the first time ever, we have decided to do something different and spend time away Christmas and through to the New Year.

We love our family, but are tired of them making use of us when they feel the need. Christmas has always been stressful because of expectations that we will provide lunch, tea, dinner etc. which is ok now and again, but after 20 years of it I feel it's for us.

I suppose I've always been protective about my own life, preserving my interests & hobbies are very important. That's not to say I ignore everyone, but I choose when I want to be sociable. Selfish? Maybe but it keeps me independent and allows us all to get on with our lives.

We are all different, but self preservation is important and perhaps creating some distance of your own is called for.

For years and years we have had family Christmases, although they have started to tail off with our DSs going to or inviting their partners' families. DH and I have become quite sad and feel the family is breaking up. Last Christmas, faced for the first time with being on our own, we went away to a hotel where we were wined, dined and royally entertained. There was no cooking, no walking on eggshells to spare feelings nor sibling rivalry, no worry about food fads, no clearing up etc. We missed the family, especially the DGC (who are still very young) but had frequent phone calls and videos.

This year, we were approached by DS2 in August to say he'd been talking to his siblings and they hoped they could all spend time over the Christmas period with us this year (they will stay, they don't live close enough to visit for the day)! I'm not too well and am getting quite stressed at the thought of all the work, bedding changes, meal preparations etc.

It was lovely to get away last year. I've increasingly found Christmas to be really hard work. DS1 says they plan to spend Christmas 2018 with us too.

I'm sorry you are sad, expectations are always far too high at Christmas. But many other GNs on here share your experiences and some are desperately alone at this time of the year. My advice is, take anything that's on offer from the family but show that you won't be taken for granted and can be independent. Perhaps you'll be missed, or like us, you may enjoy a break. Family dynamics can take on a life of their own, you can't predict them. Next year may be completely different.