Slight PIL problem

luckygirl .Agree.
One never knows when help is needed where children are concerned. My parents and in laws were a boon to me in my early days of mother hood and this was shown when DH had to frequently work away and we had moved to a different county so not like many on 'their' doorstep.
I would never have had the cheek to ask their help had I insulted them 'allowing' ? specific visiting times in which they could visit their new born grandchildren.

One would hope the grandparents would have the consideration to phone before turning up maybe? I know I desperately wanted to see my new grandchild and being told by SIL that it was a 'bad time' did upset me initially and I felt rejected. It didn't hurt me to wait a while though. Breastfeeding wasn't going as planned, daughter was in tears, bbay was screaming and SIL was frantically making bottles. Although I could have helped, it was a time they had to sort out together as new and inexperienced parents. A learning curve. Daughter had had a very long and difficult birth and was shattered. She couldn't smile for days (weeks?) afterwards and looked wrecked so I did have to tread carefully and sensitively. She and SIL told me of her nightmarish start to motherhood when she was more like her old self - after the shock of it all had worn off!

I suppose going with the flow is the best way. The best laid plans often go wrong. I am sure the new and excited grandparents will be longing to see little one but if they have any consideration they won't add to your worries.

I would tell them- or rather your other half tell them as they are his parents - that you will let them know when it is convenient for them to visit. You don't know yet what kind of labour you will have, you may need a C-section (hopefully not!) or having trouble breast feeding (if you are)
It's up to your hubbie to ensure that you aren't stressed out - especially as this is yoyr first baby.
It's your house & baby so you make the rules. If they turn up just tell them it's not convenient. Stay strong and get your partner to stand up for you and his baby Good luck xx

OldMeg...believe it or not I welcome your opinion even if its a little bit harsh. I like getting different perspectives as it gets me thinking and often stops me from being stubborn and digging my heels in and having it "my way or no way" as you so put it. I come from a big family so have zero interest in ghosting anyone, I'm not really sure how or why people would think that. Just because I find my MIL difficult doesn't mean I'm going to cut her out of my life, there is a long road ahead of us and relationships change as we grow older.
I think grandmothers the world over have pearls of wisdom to offer hence why I came to this forum. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt so that's why I'm asking. Nothing more, nothing less.

We agreed with our daughter and her husband and their first baby, and we went over the first evening as agreed, had a lovely meal, an Indian takeaway, then stayed away as requested. However, her in laws and sister in law and family then all came to stay for several days - much to the annoyance and exhaustion of the young couple. Families .... !
?

The point of paternity leave is for father to run home and look after mother and baby, not to host family get togethers. I don't want to frighten OP but giving birth is quite exhausting, even when everything goes according to plan. Procrastinate and say that you 2 will decide when they can visit when baby is home, and mum is happy that feeding is regular. Restrict visits to 90mins max to the point of taking baby and mum off to bedroom after 90mins.

Luckygirl, Grannyknot, and Paddyann are all correct in my opinion. I don’t understand all this ‘bonding’ requirement these days, to be honest I think it’s just a way of taking control. When my babies were born, I couldn’t wait for my parents to see them. I thought they were the most beautiful babies in the world and I wanted my parents to see them and feel the same way. My PiL have been good PiL, didn’t interfere and were not in any way controlling, but I felt more ambiguous about them visiting. I’m sure I was a bit selfish, but it was because I had to accommodate any relatives who were visiting because we lived 250 miles away from them. I guess I didn’t feel the pressure so much because I knew my parents would help out, but DH’s parents tended to act very much the guests, so I had more to do. None the less, both sets of parents came, and quite rightly too in my opinion.

I’m afraid I do think it’s selfish to insist on two weeks of privacy for ‘bonding’. The poster is in the lucky position of not having to accommodate the grandparents. For goodness sake allow them to see their grandchild for short visits several times, they live in another country for goodness sake. Stop being so precious about it, they’ll only be there for two weeks.

maddyone can i ask how many days after your baby was born did the ils come to stay and for how long?

My MiL came to look after us (DH, DS, new baby and me) when DD was born. She was brilliant but left as soon as she could see we were all doing fine. I can’t even remember if we asked her or she offered - well it was nearly 36 years ago! My PiLs were great but not everybody’s are and it doesn’t seem like the OP’s are. She and her husband were in agreement about the two week arrangement whether we think “bonding” is necessary or not. I agree with Shazmo. What I hope for all of you is that you feel you want to share your baby with your ILs and that they respect your wishes regarding length of visits etc. Good luck.

They came for a long weekend, four nights, more or less as soon as my own parents left. My parents stayed for two weeks, so it was a few days after they left. And whilst my own parents did much to help, cooking, shopping, etc I still needed to wash the bedding and change the bedding after they left. My husband was very helpful, he always has been, and he helped a lot. In those days the husband usually got three days paid paternity leave, and he took 2 weeks as I remember, and my parents came came after about a week, followed by my PiL very shortly after they left. I didn’t really want want them to come, particularly as they were staying with us (the idea of staying B+B or hotel would never have entered their heads, they expected to be accommodated) but even as look back on it now, I must have been selfish to have not wanted them, especially after my own parents had been. But the thing is, I did have them, because I realised that they wanted to see their grandchild.

babybawn - you have no idea what you are going to feel like after the birth of your first child - consequently, you can't plan down to the nth detail as far as visitors are concerned. My advice to you is to remind your parents-in-law that you are prioritising time for you, hubby and baby, irrespective of their trip from far away. That way, if they're not with your plan as you seem to think, you have the opportunity to make it crystal clear that visits are by invitation only. If you feel good after the birth you might welcome their presence rather more than you think now, if you feel hormonal and don't want anyone around you then you can simply not issue the invitation. You have to play this by ear bearing in mind that your mil is no household help and will require refreshments being made for her. There's another dimension to the family dynamic as well which is whose decision was it for your in-laws to live so far away from you because if they left for a sunnier climate in retirement then I think you can politely make the point that this has been their choice and that they can't dominate your first few weeks with baby just because it fits in with their schedule - if it's the other way around, they may feel very miffed that you and their son have left them as it were and consider that as they are making a big effort they should be accommodated.

maddyone so you had at least a week with your husband before your parents came to stay and it was 3 weeks later that your ils came to stay. Doesn't really sound all that different from what I thought was a reasonable timeline so not really sure how that makes me precious....

GoldenAge, again some solid advice. I think seeing how we feel and going with the flow is the best advice given the circumstances.

Babybawn, you sound very sensible and not selfish as suggested by some posters. As I said in previous post, we waited a month to see 1st grandchild in another country.
When my first baby was born, my parents came to visit while I was in hospital- they lived about 100 miles away. They went home before I was discharged (used to be kept a week on 1st baby which was actually pretty good). I can remember the first afternoon at home, just me, husband and baby (and cat, who was a bit put out) and it was lovely. We had a few days on our own, then my mother came to stay and help. PiLs lived in another country but we went to visit with baby later.
However, when I came home with 2nd baby a couple of years later, some good friends had decided to visit for weekend. I felt totally overwhelmed and would have preferred a bit of time alone with just the 4 of us.

Babybawn, the difference is that your PiL are not proposing to stay with you, they are proposing to visit their son and their grandchild! I had a very difficult birth and my child was kept in hospital for six days. After that he came home and my parents arrived two days later. As I said, they were helpful, but my PiL were not. So we had very little privacy or time to ‘bond’. However we fell in love with our new baby the minute he was born so bonding wasn’t a problem. I realise some mums do not bond immediately, but they need support, and family are often the ones who provide the support. Prior to statutory paternity leave, fathers were lucky to get any time off at all, and new mums welcomed the help and support of their mothers and MiLs. Obviously paternity leave is a great step forward, and the importance of dads is now recognised, thank goodness, but to make a decision to ban family at all at this time smacks of being ‘precious’ in my opinion.

Some of the comments here are very harsh and unnecessary, advice should be constructive not destructive and we certainly can’t tar all MILs or DIL’s with the same brush. When I had my 3, each time we had to stay in hospital for 10 days, so visiting hours were very controlled because of tiredness, germs being bought in etc so Matron said ! When I did go home I was grateful for any help and most people did ring to ask when it’s best to visit. So now you have a myriad of advice, you can pick and choose what best suits you and your husband .... enjoy your ? ? baby.

I would happy for any visitors to come but would make it clear that it could only be for a couple of hours at a time and there would definitely be no meals provided and they could bring some cake and make the teas themselves. I think it is the expectation that they may need entertaining that is the problem thus making it all about them so those rules need to be laid down in advance and enforced by the dad while you rest.

Thanks Coconut, I feel like I've gotten some solid advice. I think manage expectations and go with the flow being the key here. If we're physically up for visitors then go with it, if not then don't feel guilty that things didn't pan out.

We have bred a know-it-all and rather whiny, ungrateful generation of young people You might have, my kids and their partners are nothing like that. Maybe if people treat them with respect they will reciprocate.

I’m afraid I do think it’s selfish to insist on two weeks of privacy for ‘bonding’. But not selfish of grandparents to decide when they are visiting?

As to paternity leave well my eldest was born 46 years ago and my husband took two weeks holiday starting the day I came out of hospital after an 8 day stay. I didn't need any help from grandparents, it was our baby and we looked after him.

I think, your baby your rules. Your side of the family are complying with your request and so should in laws. They are being really selfish ignoring your wishes. DH needs to have a strong but polite word with them, tell them your plans again and add that they need to change their flights to comply with both of your wishes otherwise they will have a pointless trip as you will not be available to visitors. You and DH set the rules for your lives - not the inlaws.

Well, that was very good that your husband was able to take time off work; unfortunately mine couldn't so I was grateful for DP's help.

OP sounds like you’ve got a good flexible plan there. I hope you have a great birth experience.
What I find difficult to understand is why many posting grandparents on Gransnet and Mumsnet feel like they have to rush in and defend all other grandparents irrespective of the posters’ experiences/relationship with them there is a tendency here to dismiss a whole generation of younger parents’ ideas about parenting in favour of a whole generation of grandparent’ ideas and needs.
People, of whatever generation, are individuals and one has to trust that OPs know the true situation re their PIL and DPs and are sufficiently eager to find a suitable solution to post on a thread where they run the risk of being scorned.

Oh my! I'm possibly the MiL in question...or maybe not, but I could be. Speaking from my own point of view as a grandparent living in another country, with limited means (retired) and excited about having a grandchild, I would love to show how excited I am and spend time with my son and new baby, do little useful jobs and talk all things girly with my DiL but I'm made to feel unwelcome. How sad it all is. I think people over-think things. When I had babies there was no one interested and no visitors. Think yourselves lucky that the GC is welcomed with lots of love and attention. Surely, it's all about the baby?

Interestingtimes the OP hasn't said her PILs aren't welcome, just that she would like a couple of weeks before they come. If you have limited means can you see that insisting on coming 3 days after baby's due date isn't that sensible as baby might not arrive until quite late into their trip. Booking for 2 weeks later and baby would almost certainly be here.