Isn't this a simple logic

It is not that I have thought much on this subject, it is more that I think, that others overthink it.

I just think that if people stopped constantly going on about MiLs and DiLs and just saw it as two random people brought together by chance who may or may not like each other but for practical reasons need to get on together, as if you had a work colleague you didn't particularly like but need to work with, they would make their lives simpler and easier.

Hear! Hear! Monica. There seems to have been a spate of MIL v DIL threads on here lately. Whilst it is disappointing if the In-Laws or Grandparents to the same children do not get along, it is not the end of the world. As you say we have all had to deal with a 'difficult' work colleague or fellow committee member, etc. Best to work out a strategy and stick to it. No point in expecting a perfect solution.

I suspect that Gransnet has become "the" place to come to for those who wish to air their differences with other generations in their or their spouse's family, and each thread on the subject adds to the giant snowball effect. The result is that it can seem to readers that inter-generational friction is the norm, and that the normal reaction to it is to take offence and cut off "diplomatic relations".

A while ago we had a thread on harmonious relationships with inlaws - perhaps it should be revived at intervals to supply balance.

If you feel a person's attitude towards you is so toxic that it is damaging your wellbeing and making you feel anxious and depressed, then perhaps the only option is to avoid seeing that person.

I don't think it is right to try and influence other people - perhaps by showing disapproval or distress - to break off relations, particularly if that person is a close family member such as a parent, grandparent or sibling.

This can cause unhappiness for other close family members who may struggle to manage the feelings of guilt and powerlessness that are likely to accompany situations of conflicting loyalties .

If it were me, I hope I would have the strength to do my best to try not to influence people to maintain, and act on, the view I have of another person. If someone is really malicious and unpleasant, other people will find out in time and can make up their own minds as to how much, if any, contact they wish to maintain.

I got on ok with my MIL but not especially well. I treated her like I would a work colleague & we had a civil relationship. My view is that you have to get along with allsorts in this world & some are luckier than others with in laws ( & indeed parents).
My children found her "foibles' quite funny & endearing & still laugh about them a few years after her death & definitely benefited from their relationship with her.

I also hope that in the future my DC & GC can have a good chuckle st my 'foibles" after all isn't that what makes us who we are? Obviously abuse etc are on a completely different level but in the absence of that surely we can live with our differences?

I don't really get that people seem to think they HAVE to get on with other people. Sometimes you just don't, regardless of who they are. I don't get one with some of my siblings but I am civil to them, send cards for birthdays etc, don't socialise with them and don't expect any more than that. Why does everyone expect there to be a fabulous relationship with any in-laws? Be realistic - some will, some wont. My mil isn't someone I would be friendly with if I met her for any other reason than she's my husbands mother, so I don't see why I'm expected to be friendly with her just because of that reason, and vice versa - her son chose me, she didn't!

A lot of these MiL/DiL threads are one half of the pair looking for justification for themselves so they can turn to the other and say 'See, it's all your fault'.

Yes, there are some very unpleasant people in this world and some people are unfortunate to find one of them is their MiL/DiL. Others are awkward and difficult. I am so glad that in both roles I won first prize, but tieing your mental knickers in twist about it, will only make matters worse. Just keep calm and make the best of a bad situation.

The thing that confuses me about the MIL/DIL subject when discussed is that it always seems to be a DIL who comes here and wants answers...or possibly a reaction. If they are so completely sure of having done the right thing, especially if backed by therapy, then why are they not content to live with the choices they made. Why the need for vindication? Is there perhaps a trace of guilt?

Reading the estrangement thread it appears that most of the estranged parents have accepted their lot, finally realising that they are unable to change anything. This does not mean that their lives are without hope. That at the very least they get some answers before they die. I am one such granny. I truly have done nothing to my grandchildren’s mothers, confirmed by the fact that my sons are still as close to me as ever. This in itself has actually exacerbated the problem though, because they have not fallen into line. So battle lines have been drawn and I am unable to see my grandchildren. All attempts by my sons creates a war zone, so for theirs and the little ones sakes, I have stepped away.

I’m sure that there are grandparents who would not be a good influence in the grandchildren’s lives. If this means cutting them off for the safety of the children, then of course that must happen. However, in the case of the OP, whilst she says she doesn’t stop her children from visiting their grandmother, it must be obvious to them that she is not happy about it. This will undoubtedly colour their feelings.

Unfortunately whilst the MIL/DIL relationship has often been a difficult one, I feel there’s been a sea change for the worse in recent years. Reams have been written, and forums created encouraging cutting off people who you perceive to be surplus to requirements in your life. The old “lets sit down with a cuppa and talk” appears to be obsolete.....unless it’s with a counsellor, who has no personal knowledge of the dynamics of a family she may be encouraging you to break away from.....nor the abject misery and heartbreak that causes.

There's so much assumption and bias going on. 'The DIL must be seeking reassurance by telling her version of story on Gransnet! What's the point? She is just winding us up purposely!' Do people really think that it's a bad thing to visit forums for 'different generation' and express a different point of view? Did I disclose any details and ask everyone to judge? Have I ever used the words 'right' or 'wrong'?

I dont believe anyone has judged, or been biased.
Nobody knows your situation.
The most people have said is that people should try to get on with in laws, just for the sake of a quiet life.

You do take the generalised statements people have made in a broad discussion about a frequently occurring topic very personally. As you say you didn't disclose any details, so posters on this thread have kept to a very general discussion on MiL/DiL relationships. I cannot find any of the attitudes you mention in your last post in this discussion.

What is it you want us to say? (oh, I have asked that question before).

Why do you want strangers with a little tiny snapshot of the situation to make judgement or offer advice when you say you have been in therapies ( plural) for the very subject Why are you not discussing it in more detail at your therapy sessions or are you just looking to a new audience to agree with you ?
This is what I don’t understand what can we offer that your therapist can’t ?

Being English I was not the DIl my German MIL dreamed of and I fought against this till she died aged 98. She turned her own son against her because he was on my side.
But I always did my best to look after her needs as she got older, and made her welcome in my home, She loved my children and my DH and that had to be enough. Nevertheless I have been happier since she died and look back in regret that in that difficult time when Germany was new to me that she had not been more understanding.
I have at at least learned how not to behave to my Sils when they arrived.
Where there is trouble bwteen the generations I think it is the duty of the older generation to have the maturity to get on with the young. Some Dils are too young and inexperienced to cope with a cold and judgemental MIL.
Still we have all heard the jokes and ther is some truth in them...

Hey Monica, I don't recall I express a wish of you saying particular things (apart from the questions you avoid but it's ok)? Don't we all agree on being civil and polite? I am feeling that you are implying I come here with a bad intention, please tell me that I misunderstood?

I'm trying the best to be organised here. Quite often in law problems become a debate of 'who's fault'. But my experience and the stories I read and heard make me see things quite differently. Some gran mentioned 'being old' and 'lonely', Some gran mentioned 'not the end of the world'. Most grans didn't like to think that it wasn't pleasant to be around them therefore the loneliness. For some grans, having a strained relationship with in laws = not able to see GC as much as they want = end of the world.

I have been thinking, reading, discussing a lot on this. And I have realised some in law problems are not exactly in law problems, they are problems of feeling fading from AC's lives (they don't come to see me because they are afraid of their evil spouses) , emotion management (ie I feel excluded and I feel angry so let me blame my DIL/SIL), problems of being a middle age woman (ie I spent most of my life on my DC, they flew the nest, I then expected I would have a lot involvement in my GC's lives but it didn't happen, and now I have nothing to do....)

Isn't there a saying 'your greatest enemy is yourself'? We have all been on earth for a few years (maybe more than that ), don't we find that whenever we deal with hardships, tricky situations, or difficult people, we are actually deal with our weaknesses and fears?

What do people think?

ok just double checked what I typed. There's something I want to add.

It is very convenient to think that all our misery are caused by a horrible person (the DIL, or SIL, or MIL etc). But our misery is in fact our own fears, insecurities, our sometimes unthoughtful and selfish nature...

No. If someone is a pain in the arse, they're a pain in the arse. My fears have nothing to do with their being so.

Oh i also want to thank Faye for thinking about me and my post. Thank you so much for being gentle. I really appreciate it! =)

I re-read some post and I found paddyan spoke about 'learnt to like' her FIL, I would love to learn more about stories like these, anyone got experience to share?

Hey miss A, then that's not a case of fear, that's a case of facing our own weaknesses? How you treat this pain in the arse basically shows how mentally strong you are?

I've no idea. I've not got any in laws to be honest.
I suppose I would say that if someone is fairly secure their own sense of self worth, then they should be able to cope with another persons dislike or distaste for them.
But again, I have no in-laws, so I'm not qualified to say, really.

Are you writing a book on relationships Dove ?

It will be Forever thus
The Mil/Dil dilemma

As already said your Mil/Fil are not necessarily people you would choose to have as friends Each from a different generation.
Inlaws come as part of the package when you marry your husband.

My Mil and I never hit it off
(I look after her now as she has dementia and thinks I'm the
best thing since sliced bread!).

Although I didn't visit I was very happy for my husband and children to visit and encouraged it.

What I tried to keep in mind when dealing with Inlaw difficulties was ....

I love my husband
He is my best friend and soul mate.
He is a wonderful father and now Grandfather
He was lovely son in-law to my parents.
He is loved as a brother in law by my sister and her husband

We would not have had this lovely man in our lives without my Mil and FiI!!

So if nothing else
Thank your Mother in Law for your lovely husband

If you have a good husband Dove, I guess your mil did something right. You have made the decision not see your mil, it's such a big thing which impacts on your husband and your children. You say she is not a good companion which is reason enough for you not see her, I personally don't think that it is. Perhaps one day you might be judged wanting. I don't know your mil situation, has she got a husband and other children, is she alone or too busy for you.I have never yet met a mother who doesn't love their family despite sometimes difficult circumstances?

Very humble, Miss A.

I had witnessed how my own mother ruffled my Sis-in-law's feathers. And the rude comments said by my mom privately about my sis-in-law sent shivers down my spine . Ironically, my mother was once a DIL who was verbally abused badly by her MIL. And she has a daughter who is someone else's DIL. Maybe you're right. When we don't have that exact experience, it's hard to tell how we would behave.

And you're right to the self worth thing. I learnt that I was a pleaser. I tried very hard to please my MIL and she's not pleased. The frustration, sense of belittled etc came from there.

You need to be honest about why you really started this thread Dove.

“I would love to learn more about stories like these, anyone got experience to share?”...........Why?