Isn't this a simple logic

I'm not feeding this any longer........

Btw I’m leaving this post here for now. (Maybe back if I see other people who is genuinely want to discuss and if I missed any of you I didn’t mean to be rude)
I believe there are folks out there who understand what’s going on and what I try to do. For those who don’t understand and think I’m abnormal or seriously ill or don’t listen whatever, I still thank you for contribution. Thank you people.

Dove, ever heard the expression “teaching your granny to suck eggs?”

I think you need to go back to therapy, and I am in no way saying that to be hostile.

Therapy isn't supposed to give us "other perspectives". It is supposed to let us work through our own perspective, give us tools to cope with the problems and difficult feelings we came to therapy with, and give us peace in ourselves to go forward with life.

My relationship with my mum is still basically unnavigable. Therapy for me didn't change the fact the poor woman is all the sandwiches short of a picnic. But it freed me from the terrible guilt and pain of believing any of it was my fault. She was a shit to me since birth - how could that ever have been my fault? But therapy helped me understand that, and now I have peace in myself about her. She still causes plenty trouble in my life, but I no longer take her abuses to heart, and that was worth all the costs of therapy to me.

You don't have peace about the MIL situation. Your therapy has stopped before the point at which you had what you needed from it. You are still fighting that internal battle. You need more tools, more exploration of your difficult feelings.

You are not done yet. That is why you are broadcasting your pain here.

I have kept out of this thread, because I still don't quite understand what it is you want of us.

Is it a philosophical discussion of the relationship between one generation and another?
Is it an analysis of the underlying psychological hang-ups that make each generation wary of another?
Is it a search for others who have had the same experiences as you have and who approve of the way you deal with them? Is it a search for a better way?

It seems to me that your therapies (I note that you have tried multiple therapies, that probably indicates that you were unsatisfied with the results) have not completely cleared up your anxieties. I think you are now airing what has been said to you during those therapies to a sensible and sensitive group of "ordinary grans". Perhaps you are hoping to "lead the discussion" to form the "right" conclusions ?

But no-one is inside your mind - or, more importantly, your heart. All the therapists and advisors in the world, and all the jargon and theorising of psychology and psychiatry, can only produce generalisations about the average human experience. Jawing can't take the place of experiencing. Other people's relationships are not your relationships. And intellectualising doesn't automatically build healthy relationships.

The same applies to your husband and children. They have their own contacts and links with your MiL - their mother and grandmother. You are not the supervisor and arbiter of their relationship with her, and whether you want them to see her or avoid her has no relevance. If the children are young, then they probably see her in company with a parent, but as they grow older they will have their own links. They may like her as little as you do, or they may like her far more than you do - it is up to them and it is certainly up to your husband - her son - to form his own relationship and see his mother as and when he wishes.

But, of course, your own attitude may be that their inclinations come second to yours - if that is so, you are in for more problems as your children become adults.

Sensible post from MOnica. It is a relationship that is thrust upon you and since you both love the same man, and the same children, it is sensible that you both do your utmost to get on. Try and be friends from the very start and do things together, by yourselves, it is surprising how close you can get when you bother to get to know them.
I think it sad when you can't be united and send DH with the children- not at all nice for the children who pick up on it and then feel guilty whatever they feel.

Might family contact be easier if you all met up at a venue and did an activity together. All on neutral ground and can go when you have had enough of each others company. It is also time limited. Bowling, swimming, painting a pottery pot, or just meeting up for a cream tea in a garden centre with climbing frames/swings for children. I like my Mil because she has been kind to me and my dc from previous marriage, but even if I did not I could tolerate a person for up to a couple of hours in a neutral setting. Unless your in laws are really toxic it would be good for your children to build a bond with their grandparents.

What a good post Faye I always wonder how my darling little GD & GS felt when I & her auntie, that had been in their life from the very beginning, I was the second person in the world to hold my GD in my arms & third with my GS, were suddenly not there any more! When they asked, were they told we were dead, I think they were. What wickedness!

People have to be adult and put the children first.
As adults you need to find a workable solution - neutral territory or whatever it takes.
Don't make the children pawns who have to choose & then feel guilty about the side they have let down. Children pick up on all the tensions without you saying anything.

I love my dear MIL and will do anything I can for her. She’s elderly now and as dread the day she is no longer here. She is no just my MIL, she’s also a very good friend and confidant. I’m very lucky, I know others are not so.