Isn't this a simple logic

Exactly IrishRose what I was thinking too

Luckylegs, I don't know. I haven't come to a conclusion about that notion. But I wouldn't take credits from my children's brilliance.

I realise many grans mind the companion saying. Thats exactly what i want to say, isn't that about our own fear of feeling unwanted/rejected?

Dove you have started another thread asking many questions of grans about how they handle clearing their parents and in laws houses
I am fast believing there is more to your questioning than having resolution to a problem
Please explain honestly about all these questions on both threads are you collecting answers for a reason ? Why do I get the feeling we are being played

So this is my observation.

No one likes to deal with the fear of being unwanted. So 'DIL should work out a plan on regular visits'. I have very strong feelings about the regular visits thing. I think it's crap. Why? my paternal auntie has 3 sons. She never requests 'regular visits' but the sons and ILs would 'go home' (her house, thats how they call it even they moved out) and have dinner with her and my uncle, as much as they could.

Why some moms/MILs don't have to request regular visits but 'automatically' get it? Why some have to force contact? Is it plain luck? Or are we dismissing some moms' qualities or parenting skills that we could all learn from?

Another observation that I would really like to mention here.

There was a bit of a shock when I first read some grans speak about their 'GP's rights'. I felt huge sadness. So sad that every time I think about it I have tears in my eyes. We speak about our rights when we fight an establishment or a dictatorship. Why we have to speak about 'rights' with our own families? Why aren't we speaking about love instead?

Oh bluebelle I'm not sure what exactly you're suspecting? I don't mind you asking directly. And no i'm not writing a book. I'm trying to understand more and be understood. I aint getting anything positive from my own relationship with my MIL but I still hope my own experience or thoughts would have positive effects for other grans? Like i said, for those who are not too proud or too late to mend. Mend it!

And the clearing house thing is something I'm genuinely interested about. My dad has chronic illness and was hospitalised for a month two years ago. Plus the conversation with the acquaintances I really want to know how people deal with their parents' cluttered houses.

IrishRose76, I find it interesting that one can learn to like someone who they once dislike. There are hope and positivity in those stories and I'd like to hear that. Is that ok?

And what about 'quality over quantity' when we speak about visits?

Would you prefer your AC/IL visit you regularly but visit you as if clocking in and out of work. Or would you prefer they show up when they miss you and truly want to be around you?

You seem to have a lot of time to devote to this, OP. I'm assuming you're researching the subject.

My answers to your questions would be as follows.

A mother in law wants to spend a lot of time with Son, Daughter in law and grandchildren, surely the son's family must have been a pleasure to be with;

No surely about it. She perhaps simply loves them, or one or several of them, whatever their level of delightfulness. Or perhaps she's just lonely.

However, the son and the DIL don't want the mother in law to be around 'too much', it only means that the MIL isn't a good companion, right?

Wrong. The son and the DIL could be very private people, have extremely busy lives, or they could just be a...holes. How would we know?

MargaretX, thanks for sharing your experience.
Not long ago my auntie told me that my grandmother disliked my uncle (her husband) so much that Gran openly criticised him for being ‘too old for her’ and ‘doesn’t look great’!!!! Aunt then told me how my uncle continued to show his patience and manners, and when In Gran’s last few years, it was always my uncle who accompanied my Gran for hospital visits and shopping etc. I asked my aunt how uncle did that? Aunt just said that’s his personality.
Do you think it’s your personality that helped you continue to show your patience to your MIL? When you felt hurt, unappreciated? How did you get through those negetive thoughts?

Thanks for answering. I agree with that. When visits are not as frequent as expected there could be a milion reasons. Busy modern lives, private lifestyle, introvert personality, or even the next generation is going they hard times etc etc. Things usually start to get funny when the blaming and guilt trips begin.

I don’t have a lot of time but I am quite active online. If I’m not on Gransnet I’m on Facebook or reading online newspapers or play online games. I do appreciate every each of you who took the time to reply so I’m trying to saying something back to show my appreciation. I don’t know what you mean by researching? For what purpose?

Anyone willing to tell what some people are suspecting? I’m confused. Was someone here before to research for a book and caused problems?

So you re not on GN but you are on FB so are we now all posting this on FB ???

Dove, you seem to have a very mechanistic attitude to family relationships and expect it to be a zero sum calculation.

Most families do not analyse in great detail how they feel about each other. They do not calculate how much pleasure they will get out of a visit or whether someone is a good companion.

As a family they are fond of each other, happy in each others company and tolerant of anyone who does not constantly exude pleasure and good company. Family ties are made up of so many threads of care, concern, help and support, built up over decades and also loving understanding of family members idiosyncrasies and difficulties. Nobody is calculating what there is for them in any visit and deciding or not to see a family member on the basis of how much pleasure is on offer.

In today's complicated world when families are spread over long distances and have complex commitments, arranging to timetable family visiting is not a sign of obligation, but love. Knowing you will be seeing each other on the first Sunday of every month is a sign of how much you want to be together, because if you do it on a visit by visit basis, you suddenly discover that every one has different commitments and the next mutually free weekend is 4 months distant and you do not want to have a gap that long between visits.

That is certainly how it has always worked in my family and I expect it is similar in other families.

I mean I am on my own Facebook reading my friends and family’s updates.
I don’t read Gransnet’s Facebook page or have any association with the Gransnet facebook’s team.
Do you mean you are concerned that all these discussions would be posted on Facebook, by me? That’s why people are a little hostile? ?
Did soemthing like this really happen before?

Hey, I think this post is going to run on and on. Answers will raise more questions

I'm . If you've been in therapy to resolve and come to terms with the situation Dove; like others here, I don't understand why you're still seeking answers and for others to share their experiences with you. Each poster that has replied has simply raised more questions for you and seems to have left you more uncertain than when you started this thread. I suspect your therapist is the best one to speak to now because you don't seem to be as at ease with your decisions as you first thought.

I guess there’s a generation or perhaps cultural difference here.
And I believe your interpretation on my wording ‘companion’ isn’t what I meant exactly.
Happiness and pleasure can’t be counted so it’s hard to calculate as you worded it. But in general, we could tell if we feel comfortable, welcomed, and if we could ‘be ourselves’ in others company. You have mentioned if I had made my MIL feel welcomed. That’s the same concept. So you questioned of the DIL (me?) if they made their mils to feel welcomed. And I question the same thing the other way round, when visits are not as frequent as expected.

I don’t know what to feel about making people agree on a regular visit plan is a sign of love. It’s certainly a sign of need.

You are right on ‘most families’ don’t analyse/ think about things like these. A lot of friends expressed similar views. They find it difficult when their parents don’t want to discuss about feelings and vulnerabilities when there are issues.
I guess that’s how you find me ‘over analyse’ things. Different perspectives eh?

Oh, for heavens sake go back to your therapists. Whatever anyone says to you you distort it when you play it back to them through your thick filters. I am beginning to understand why your MiL finds you heavy going.

Not just "different perspectives" the Dove. Speaking for myself, I get the distinct feeling that nothing that is said to you on here is going to give you the answers you seek. Your obviously looking for approbation or ..... , who knows? But you clearly have a lot of questions still unanswered and either your therapist or a journalist might be the best option.

Why do you consider you have had hostility directed at you I haven’t seen any at all, puzzlement yes but not hostility
It does seem as if you are constantly over analysing your questions then over analyse all answers
I think none of us have any answers for you and your questions should be asked of your therapist who must know you and situation much better than we ever will
Good luck i n your quest

Its not just me getting a headache then ?

You think therapies answer all questions in life? Therapies certainly didn’t help me learn other generations perspectives. And I didn’t know trying to learn others perspectives by raising questions will make me look so suspicious.
It’s so interesting that some grans complain about the younger generations aren’t interested in what they experienced or think. But when I ask questions here try to understand and communicate it makes me a villain/ abnormal person. Jez grans are so hard to please.

Wow that’s not nice Monica. I didn’t force you read this post.