My children can't deal with my honesty

If five people have turned against you there is one common denominator and that s yourself Look very carefully at how you talk to your children and try and see how your ‘straight talking’ comes across to them... why not give us an example of your no ‘bs’ conversation

My MiL is like this, now in her 90s few people go to see her or wish to spend any time in her company. My DH and his sister manage her from a distance as they know whenever they see her they will get a barrage of poisonous criticism, which she sees as justified. Best to stop speaking your mind without carefully considering how it might be received - engage brain before mouth is always a good maxim.

There's nothing wrong with honesty and plain speaking and being a no BS kind of person but there are ways of getting your point across without being hurtful or rude. It sounds as if you're not considering others feeling at all but then expect them to not be hurtful. If you give it out you best learn to take it too. Why is it you think your honesty is the problem when the rest of us seem to think it's not the honesty so much as the way it's said. I don't lie to my family but I don't upset them either, if they don't like what you have to say they'll just stop listening or in your case give you a dose of your own medicine.
As many others have said " Try being nice and mean it and start building bridges towards a better future" Good luck.

So many good points made here that I just want to reiterate some of what's already being said.

Counsellor telling you to "skip that generation and concentrate on the next" - really. Just really.

Glad I'm not their supervisor, I'd be pulling their qualifications and checking on their registration. Every colour of wrong and a new one on so many levels.

Reading that made me so angry so my 'suggestion' to you is ignore that counsellors advice, counselling is NOT about giving advice in any case.

Think about what others have said here.

You are plain spoken, no BS, I'm OK with that. But, but, can you hear plain speaking and no BS when it's said to you? Seems like you need to.

As they say if you can't take it - don't give it.

And one of my straight talking not BS sayings is "Opinions are like Ars*holes, we all have one, not everyone wants to see it". If we are being 'honest' we are very, very selective about who sees that.

I bet you aren't as plain spoken about your bank account, that's your business and you manage to keep that information to yourself so you can keep things to yourself.

Who knew there are things in your life that you don't need to share with your kids.

Am I being a bit sarcastic?? Yes I am, I own it. And did I use it in my clinical practice, selectively I did.

Think very hard about what you need to keep to yourself. However much we don't like the choices our kids make, the mistakes they make, their behaviour, parenting style and so many other things. It Is Their Life - just that, their life.

You have your choices, mistakes, parenting styles and by the sound of it your kids aren't happy with your choices or your behaviour. For goodness sake 'Listen to your kids".

Listen to your kids while they still want to have a relationship with you.

Ask yourself if your mum, dad, MIL, DIL, gran had said to you the things you've said to your kids over the years would you want a relationship with them?

Get going on repairing the relationships and if you have to eat some humble pie it won't kill you.

It might make you gag and it isn't pleasant but the alternative is you can live with all your Pride, Ego and Self Righteousness intact and in Splendid Separation from your kids and GCs.

Oh and sack the counsellor.

And like other posters have said I shall wait for the fall out.

I am sorry you feel hurt but it really is a case of - do as you would be done by

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy. Maybe your comments have been right in some way but who do they benefit.

The counsellor may have just said "how would you feel about just seeing the grandchildren?" which one could interpret the way you wanted to, or of course maybe she was not a qualified counsellor.

I totally agree with allsortsofbags here. Spot on!

Very good advice on here.Saying what you feel is a luxury and should be used with care.Those who do it must be prepared to be treated in the same way.Mostly we have to be diplomatic.

I would suggest putting your brain in gear before opening your mouth it does help ! I have 2 dils and I'm really careful what I say and I do see them.

Tact ... to say what you want in the nicest non judgemental way possible. Empathy ... are my words going to hurt the recipient ?? I think you should eat some humble pie if you truly value your relationship with your family ... good luck.

People who are proud to ‘say it as I feel’, straightforward, no BS, seem to think that the rest of us think in a quite different way. We don’t; we would all like to tell a few home truths, tell it as we see it etc. but have the sense not to do so.

There is a saying 'honest to the point of rudeness'.
If saying how you feel made your children unhappy as you must have realised it did, why would you still want to do it? What was so important about your feelings that they had to be vocalised and why are your children's feelings of so little account? It also may be the way you say it. People sometimes say thinks more sharply than they realise and with finality so that other people feel shut down.
They won't want you involved with the grandchildren if they think you will make them unhappy too.
You may have heard what you wanted your counsellor to say but it was ridiculous advice either way.
I agree with others that say that you should keep contact with cards, Christmas presents etc. but not force it at least for a while.
Acknowledge how difficult it must have been for them to confront you. They wouldn't have done it together if it hadn't been. They probably hoped that you would try to understand how they were feeling and to put yourself in their shoes. Have you never regretted anything you have said because of the hurt if caused?
If possible it might help to say that you are sorry that you upset them and you will try not to in future but it sounds as if you are not ready to do that.

My late mother always had to be "honest" - merely an excuse for being critical, nasty and a bully. She was a failure as a mother.

There was a film with Jim Carrey (called "Liar" I think) where he promised to tell the truth for one whole day. He got into trouble with almost everyone he dealt with.

It is naive and arrogant IMHO to imagine that being honest all the time is going to be acceptable to others and that they should be grateful to hear whatever you choose to say.

What is more important to you? Expressing your opinions freely or having good relationships with your close family?

A good old Scottish saying is....”haud yer weesht” and I always do this ....it means stay silent.....silence cannot be misinterpreted nor offensive....we are all different with different values, opinions, feelings etc and it doesn’t make us right and them wrong or vice versa....just different....if you cannot contain the urge to criticise try screaming into a pillow....never known that not to work for anyone and hurts nobodies feelings....good luck

I'm another devotee of the tact and diplomacy brigade. It has always worked well for me even in the midst of strong debate. Since being a Grandmother I've even added a regular zip to my lip. I've adapted and I'm surviving. Rather more than that actually. The consequences of being uninvitedly brutally outspoken can be isolation. Not a price I'm prepared to pay ever.

What you see as being "honest/no BS" sounds like you loudly voicing your personal opinion. Your view is just that, your view of the world - no more no less. No one else will ever see the world in quite the same way. I do agree with other Grans that if ALL your family are saying the same thing maybe it is time for some personal reflection and basically learning to "zip the lip." If you can't do that then deal with consequences.

I do find myself wondering exactly what kind of answers you were expecting.

You've had a taste of your own medicine.

Many many times I have wanted to say something about the way my children and their spouses behave but have kept my mouth shut, just do the same, but unfortunately it appears it's too late for you. Never interfere in other people's marriages, would you have wanted your mother in law to interfere with your marriage I wonder?

My mother used say whatever was in her head, and would ask 'difficult' questions. I think that may be why I'm the opposite to the point where last week I told my daughter not to take my lack of questions as a lack of interest. I keep my nose out.
The problem in hand requires some grovelling, I think, and some promises about future behaviour, before it is too late. Perhaps husband can make the first move (that used to work when mum upset me or my sisters). Good luck.

I’m concerned with the way people seem to be jumping on deblee31, not that I have a right to say so as I’m a very new member of Gransnet so you can all jump on me now.

I’m sure deblee31 has said things she new regrets (well I hope she regrets them) but her mention of leaving this planet is a worry. I’ve felt that kind of despair in my life, and I know how devastating it can be. OK, she has upset her family, but they may not be entirely blameless you know. We don’t know the circumstances, so let's have a little compassion.

I’m not entirely sure how to get back to this thread so you may have to shout very loudly for me to hear you. :-)

There is honesty which I am. Then there is discerning and tact, putting your brain in gear first. A pause button. Do I really need to say it. If I do how am I going to say it.

The guideline I have is "is it kind is it true and is it necessary" with tact and said with love. You don't need to open your mouth about everything. You need to check out what your about to say too. If you wouldn't want it said to you then keep your mouth shut. Alot is also about how we say it too

It won't be easy facing a darker side of yourself and changing it. They will want to see action rather than words.

You need CBT I think would be best to change how you react to others.

Criticsing others especially family and on laws is never a good idea

My mother was impulsive and said whatever came into her head. My AC made it clear some years ago that I needed to be more careful what I said and how I said it.
I try and it does make life, my life, easier! Also thinking back my ‘impulsiveness’ explains all sorts of long ago incidents.

Oh dear. How sad for you all. But if we all said exactly what we thought all the time, most of us would be at loggerheads. We need to hold our tongue at times. There is a big difference between being forthright and being opinionated. I have had a major fall out with a family member who just says whatever she thinks without consideration of who she hurts. And her opinion is always right. I'm not the only one who has fallen out with her. I'm not trying to be judgemental or blame you. It's impossible to know what's actually going on from a few lines in a posting on this site. But please take a long look at both sides and see if you can meet half way so you can patch up your relationships. I wish you well.

The OP didn’t return....this says it all really doesn’t it ? It appears from ner non return and inability to heed the excellent advice on here, that She can dish it out but can’t bear to be criticisedherself.
The response from Gransnet was obviously not what she was expecting which was ‘ saying it like it is” lol
She needs to keep quiet and practice being humble.