My children can't deal with my honesty

I awoke this morning from a rather realistic dream of a huge stand up row with a DD. Things were said by me and although the details of the dream were quickly blurred and then lost, the emotions it created have only just abated. It left me feeling quite troubled and in the dream my DD was deeply upset and it all got very unpleasant and very sad.
The thing is we never have such rows in real life and that is despite her having made some strange (to my mind) but not disastrous choices. She is a grown woman with a family and sometimes I think she makes life more difficult than need be....but its up to her and her OH. I might think its not the best idea but its not up to me. She will tell me about things and even indicate she'd like some reassurance or feedback and I am always as balanced and supportive of her life as I can be. It has always struck me that to say I feel something was a daft idea (once its done and undoable) is just asking for trouble...what's the point? I love both my daughters (to the chimney pots and back as my Grandma used to say) and will always offer help if its asked for or can be done tactfully but, the rather vivid dream has reminded me why I think first before I speak. Yes, some people think its the coward's way but I'd rather have a good relationship with these lovely women who are independent enough to be out there in the big world doing a great job and coping with all that's thrown at them than be one of those people who always feel they have to 'have their five penny worth'. Being right is no substitute for being a parent my children cheerfully want to visit, chat to and spend time with and, of late now that I'm so very old, sometimes worry about!

HildaW Can so agree with what you say.

CrazyH you can always vent on here. hope things work out.

Thankyou Silverlining / love your name / hope my present cloud has a silver lining

Thank you silverlining.
Greengage - not sure if you are referring to my post. It wasn't meant to come across as always "I" and "me". I thought at the time I was acting in my grandchild's best interests, but it was seen as controlling and interfering by others. With hindsight, I understand how my intentions were misconstrued, but when you are struggling emotionally and can't see the wood for the trees, so to speak, mistakes can easily be made, however well-intentioned.
CrazyH - yes I am lucky to have my husband, he keeps me going. It must be very hard being on your own and unable to share. for you.

Nanny23 I actually admired your posting. I think too many of us fail to look at things from someone else's perspective. Hope you can work things out. Good luck.

Thank you Greengage, I hope all of us with serious family issues are able to work things out. I have taken a lot of comfort from the support on Gransnet and this thread offers a lot of good advice. First time I've posted on here and it's really lifted my spirits today. Best wishes to all.

Also wanted to add nana5852, I thought your post was really helpful and understanding, which prompted me to post mine, so thank you.

Thankyou for the flowers Nanny23 xx

Hilda, agree with your post, the original poster has not commented since she started this thread, it has however raised a lot of helpful points.

Lucklegs, I was aware it was a bit of a dead post but my rather vivid dream was still rattling around my head as I trawled through GN. Funny how although you loose the random detail of dreams the emotions that they create can still be powerful...or perhaps that's just me. Anyway I just felt the need to reiterate my thoughts about preserving family relationships. I do agree that it does seem a tad unfair that us older generations sometimes feel we are the only ones who have to tread so carefully. Also I am sure that there are families who have always been the sort who have everything out in the open and find it works. However, neither system works if there is not true respect and that's what I feel is missing in the OP's posting. I doubt we will ever find out if there was any resolution.

So true HildaW.

I don't think honesty is to do with proclaiming one's unasked opinions and beliefs in the context of family life. There are many right – and wrong – ways of doing things. If everything is hunky dory, leave it alone – even if it is not the way you chose or would choose now.

I think it is also important that grandparents recognise that they have slipped down the hierarchy. We remain important, if we are lucky, but not so important as we once were.

Well summed up absent.

Those who believe that their brutality is just honesty are kidding themselves. They are honest when they can belittle or attack, not when they can praise or support.

Are they as honest when there is something good that they could say?

Do they point out every little wise or thoughtful thing that their children and grandchildren say or do as well as when they make a mistake or a wrong decision?

Do they tell them how much they agree with them and , how clever it was of them to work that out or just bawl them out whenthey disagree?

Do they praise them when they remember to do XXXX ar complain when they forget?

Do they admire what they are wearing whenever it is NOT hideous, or just rubbish it when they don't like it?

Their family and friends are far more likely to get most things right than get them wrong, so unless they can honestly swear that they comment favourably at least twice as often as critically - and probably several times as often - they are not honest at all, they are aggressively niggly faultfinders who enjoy shrivelling souls.