My children can't deal with my honesty

Dragonfly I can relate to your story of Netherlands My Belgian son in law thanked me but handed back my birthday present as he said it wasn’t to his taste I was mortified even if I hated a present I would take it in good faith and thank the person for thinking of me

BlueBelle and Dragonfly, I can also relate. Whilst I was taking my MSc I once took an exam where the examiner gave me 100% which surprised and thrilled me. My Dutch teacher promptly informed me that I should take no notice of it because it was a nonsense as nobody was that good. I was somewhat taken aback and the gilt certainly dropped off the gingerbread.

Good post nana5852

you have sown the wind and you are reaping the whirlwind Time to change your ways and hold your tongue OP

Nana5852 that is a heartfelt and very insightful post. You have identified some aspects of yourself that you see can cause problems and are trying to change. That takes courage.

One of the points you make is the need at times for some "economy with the truth". While that is a useful guide I do think we also need to recognise that "our truth" is not necessarily another person's truth or even the objective truth. Truth is not an absolute. Our truth is basically just our opinion. What we may like to see as honesty or "the real truth" is simply our view of the world. Our view and understanding of the world is shaped by our own life experiences, cultural background (eg. Belgian, Dutch as per several posts) and personality among a myriad of other factors.

The essential insight is the need to recognise that other people will always see things differently, it may be only slightly different or it may be radically different. We all tend to prefer to mix with people who see the world in much the same way we do, it's more comfortable and easier to do this. But respecting others viewpoints and accepting that we don't have an exclusive hold on the "real truth" is part of the give and take of life with others including family members. Disregarding these social realities has a cost and only we can decide if we are prepared to pay the price.

I think there's a difference in the way "truth" can be presented. Let's say your child comes in with an AWFUL hairdo and asks what you think. There are two ways you can put this and still tell the truth:

"I did prefer your old hair style, but what's important is how you feel about it."

"Oh, my GOSH, did you go through a HEDGE BACKWARDS? That's TERRIBLE! You should sue the salon! I can't believe they let you WALK OUT OF THERE!"

Both are true based on your feelings, but which do you think would be better received?

Love your example agnurse made me chuckle.

An honest and genuine apology, admit you were wrong, with a promise to change, might be enough to produce a little crack in the wall. Kindness is the most important thing, anything else is just self indulgent.

how i agree with what some of you are saying ,i have a very big family and have found over the years that ,i do not agree with some of the things they say or do ,BUT and this is the biggie ,do not interfere do not say a word hold that tongue and look away ,when you get home ,talk to husband or a good friend tell them all about it tell them what you think ,and then forget it , do not under any circumstances interfere or offer a different opinion keep all your words to yourself ,it is not your place to object to whatever is going on in their lives good or bad ,,now go see the family say you are sorry and try again ,good luck

deblee31 Leaving aside the main content of your post, you say you are ‘having thoughts about leaving this planet for good’; you must take these seriously and seek further professional advice. I’d suggest you see your GP, tell them about these thoughts and ask for a referral for adult mental health support ?

The counsellors advice was very bad OP. If you just focus on the next generation rather than your children, you will alienate them further, making you less likely to see your grandchildren. You need to have a good think about how your behaviour may have affected your children and try to fix your relationship with them first. Also, if you treat your grandchildren as you have your children, there's a very good chance you will push them away as well, especially as they are going to see the poor relationship their parents have with you.

If you give it you must be prepared to take it.
I say it as it is and by my own admission I make Victor Meldrew look like a stand up comedian.
You still have your husband ( no doubt he is used to your ways ) so lie low for a while and enjoy your time together.
Time can heal. Sometimes.

Deblee, you have received some very harsh criticism in my opinion, and yes, it is probably true that you need to back off a bit, and perhaps not ‘say it how it is’ any more, but by now, if you are still following this thread, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re not, I should think you’re feeling thoroughly demoralised. Hopefully, you can just approach your family, talk with them a bit and reestablish your relationship. My advice would be to try to be mindful of what you’re saying, and try to ‘walk on eggshells’ a bit. A member of my family has mental health issues, and I’ve had to develop a very careful way of speaking with this particular member of the family as the most innocent remark can sometimes cause a problem. I have managed this, but it’s still a work in progress. I’m sure with a little thought and care, you can develop it too.
Good luck.

I feel sad for you that you are not seeing your family but it would be good for you to develop a little self awareness and try to image the other person saying the things you have said and asking honestly how would you have felt to hear the same criticism. As to the counsellors comment she's appalling. As a counsellor myself she has broken a cardinal rule do not ever give advice or opinions to clients that is very unprofessional . Also if you ignore one generation ( your children) how do either of you think you will be able to see the next( your grandchildren) parents will not allow that without input from themselves so flawed ridiculous advice . I do hope you are able to contact them in a conciliatory way and ask to try again. Good luck.

Imagine not image

I do feel for you, OP, but on the other hand it's surely time to learn that always saying exactly what you think will not endear you to so many people.

I have an aunt who has always prided herself on speaking her mind - she's also the type who always knows best about everything.

As a result she has upset many people over the years, and some family members now have no contact with her.
But as far as I know, she still can't see that any of it is her own fault. She still thinks there's nothing wrong with blunt truth - that is of course the truth as she sees it.

The sad thing is that in general her plain speech has been well meant - in the sense of 'they don't know what's good for them, but I do.' She can't seem to understand that other people's different ideas can be perfectly valid.

I suspect it's too,late for her to change now - she's late 80s - but I dare say it's not too late for you.

My Mum was always critical - I was always being compared and found wanting against my sister. She saw it as being open and honest - I found her comments often cruel and unnecessary. And yes, as other posters have said, she didn't like it one bit when the tables were turned and someone (not me) decided to give her the benefit of being totally honest and open - she never spoke to them again up to the day she died. It is never too late to change your approach, especially if you want to see your DGC, not suggesting you do anything drastic, rather that you try and see how hurtful it can be for others when you speak your mind, and then see if you can soften the blow when you do speak, often it is the choice of words that can make a huge difference from hurtful to helpful

How I wish this thread had been available for me to read a few years ago, I may have learned from it and saved myself and my family a lot of heartache. I find myself in exactly the same situation as the OP. I also have two married sons, and because of my "no BS" attitude in the last few years, our relationships are now very strained. We had always been a very close family until a few years ago, when our family suffered a very traumatic bereavement, which affected everyone involved. I've been struggling both mentally and emotionally ever since, lost my way, said things which I shouldn't have and have alienated my children and their partners. They all have very young children whom I adore. One couple are still in contact and we see them occasionally, but I know my DIL hasn't really forgiven me. The other couple have absolute minimum contact and we haven't seen them for a year. I have emailed them to apologise, but my son apparently can't deal with the emotion and stress of seeing me, although says he loves me. My only defence is that this happened at a time of great stress and anxiety, when I was beside myself with worry about my grandchild. But I was so stupid and would change it if I could. I'm 57 and life is still teaching me lessons. I feel depressed, anxious, panicky and almost suicidal some days, other days I'm OK. My wonderful husband keeps me going, and understands me. We both love our children and their families so much, I hope we can find a way back. Please take heed, all you outspoken, no BS, "say it as it is" mums, there is some very good and sound advice on here, sadly it came too late for me.

If you want to give some details of the rift posters might be able to give advice on how to repair the relationships. Time and some hard work could get you there.

It would be lovely to see some posts which offer hope to those in a 'broken relationship' rather than those that are full of sadness all the time.
Ideas on how to repair such as, whether to keep sending birthday cards and gifts, xmas presents , should you keep trying to make contact to make amends.
Some positive results would be very useful i am sure.

nanny23, I am glad you have a supportive husband and hope, in time, things will get better for you all. Keep on keeping on. Best wishes.

I am not sure how to go about mending a broken relationship, but when reading a lot of posts on Gransnet, I am struck by the number that are full of 'I' and 'me'. Surely in any relationship you need to put the other person first. Or am I being naive? I am 72 and have good relationships with my family and friends.

Greengage I have seen that in "real life" too. A couple we were friendly with would spend an entire evening with us, each talking about what "I" did today, and what some coming event would mean to "me". You never heard the words "we" or "us". It was not a surprise when they divorced. Each blamed the other for the split, no sign of "me" when it came to blame.

I have noticed that with someone I know - even her relationship with her DGC is about how much 'they adore her'!

How lucky that most of you have a husband/partner to share your woes with. I am going through s family “situation “ now , with one of my sons who is “done “ with me.., no soulmate to talk to. Don’t want to involve the other children too much - all so sad .