Friends - or lack of.

I think we can be too fussy too. When I moved to my present town I left all my friends there. Several people have tried to make me a friend but they either just want to talk about themselves or I find their views (eg gleaned from the DM) difficult to digest.

I’m quite happy with old friends from before just emailing, or phoning or coming for the occasional visit, a couple of friends on GN and my family.

Apart from that I quite enjoy my own space.

Mercure Yes. In a word! I think it's because my friends live further afield, some have died. I can't get out very easily either. I live in a very pleasant road as far as the people go, and they would help me out, but are busy. My family are so far away and their week is completely filled with activities for the children let alone their own commitments.

I have learned to enjoy my own company. I don't even watch TV or listen to radio much now. I like the quiet life and am lucky to enjoy a pleasant garden. Except when the only bad neighbours in the road are stoking up a vile smelling barbecue. Heaven knows what they cook on it!

Peace perfect peace is really the aim of my life.

I think attending 5 different primary schools helped me learn how to build friendships. I had to join in or be left out! I also come form a mixed heritage background & we often had strangers staying with us when I was little so I got used to meeting all kinds of people and also being rejected because we were a bit different. Not sure if that is why friends I have now are a varied bunch forming a wide social, ethnic, religious & political spectrum. Just know I am very lucky to have people I can rely on and who can rely on me if we need help. It is harder as we age, especially if naturally shy or anxious. Good luck in finding some good new friends.

gillybob, it's sad but i am glad i have realised i am there to boost their ego so i suppose they need me! That's my positive for a bad situation. I too have tried local gransnetters but unfortunately none near enough for me.

This thread has made me feel a lot better about my embarrassing lack of friends! I moved to a small town in W Dorset 4 years ago, on my own, knowing no one. I've done my best to keep up with old friends but it's an occasional phone call/email always initiated by me. My family are far away and it's the odd text and weekly phone call. I've joined a few groups, U3A etc and am lucky to have a part time job, but I find the town full of groups of women,also on their own and a similar age who are just very cliquey and unwelcoming. It's hard to keep positive sometimes! I do make an effort to be smiley and outgoing although it's all becoming a bit of an uphill effort.

I feel the same way Booklady. I have started doing some volunteering, and that helps me meet more people. But so far, none have developed into real friends.

I don't know what that makes some people more able to get and keep friends? Some natural way that makes them appealing to others. We all know that person I'm sure, who has loads of friends, seemingly without making any effort. Maybe it's a confidence thing?

I have the same issue as many of you and like Booklady I moved to a new area and although I tried joining different groups the women were cliquey and didn’t welcome me. I even went on an Alpha course which is a church group and after several months nobody tried to make friends with me. I’ve moved again and although it’s back to near where I used to live so I know a few women from there I don’t know anyone in the immediate area. My neighbour meets up with a few of the other women neighbours but doesn’t invite me to join them. I’ve recently joined the Red Hats in my area as they are a fairly small group. I joined a local WI but again they all knew each other and were cliquey. I think it’s hard making friends when your children are grown up.

I too have this problem but if you want to get out more there are three well established organisations with local groups that you might like.

NWR: "women who are interested in everything and talk about anything" www.nwr.org.uk/

U3A: for the retired or semi retired "lifelong learning, through the experience of U3A" www.u3a.org.uk/

WI: "plays a unique role in providing women with educational opportunities and the chance to build new skills" www.thewi.org.uk/

I'm also glad it's not just me. I belong to 3 different ladies groups. I attended a monthly lunch club l also went to church locally. I broke my ankle in January and l quickly found out who my friends were. I ended up having to rely on my son and ex husband. I've always tried to be a good listener helpful understanding etc. But always feel as though l'm on the outside looking in and being left out of the group . When we eventually meet up they are talking about things l know nothing about. The last time we met the 3 other ladies had joined another group but never invited me. Now lv'e retired l have more time to get out and about meet people and make new friends. But is it worth the upset. If they treat me like this. Why. I've no idea.

I'm very lucky my best friend whom I've known for over 30 years lives 5 minutes walk away, plus I have other friends and most importantly my sister.

From reading the posts it really seems to be the luck of the draw in many cases. Obviously if you have mobility issues or moved to a completely new area then it could be difficult to meet people and make lasting friendships.

Often posters complain about loneliness but you can read between the lines and conclude that they don't make an effort, for whatever reason, so it's no wonder they have no friends. But then you read of those who've joined the WI, U3A, etc., and found them to be cliquey, so I do feel sorry for those who can't find real friends.

It's sheer luck whether you hit it off with someone and a friendship ensues.

I didn't make a good marriage but do make good friends!

Quite a few of my friends have passed away (and quite young). I have friends and a few make a lot of effort, but I get sick and tired of being the one who keeps in touch/arranges things. Then if I haven't been in contact for a while have the cheek to say .....long time no see....!!.
I think the answer is join a few tings and make some new friendships

How I love Gransnet.... every day I see something I can relate to!
I could be any one of you: We lived in a Uk resort for 10years and had to resort to a reservations diary to make sure we could accommodate family/friends during the summer. When we ‘retired’ abroad, our visitor season simply extended to year round/constant bookings and my washer/housekeeper duties intensified similarly - free holiday springs to mind but tbh we didn’t mind; in fact we loved it. 15 years on we’ve returned home to find our social life has diminished (disappeared?). Our family now go on their own foreign hols and our uk friends are too aged/died or simply too busy with family babysitting (us too!). So it’s just hubby and I, living the life of ‘sandwich carers’ (ie both with parents of 90+, disabled siblings and grandchildren to care for). And it seems that all of my long-term friends are in a similar position so despite careful plans being made only to be cancelled last minute to accommodate family crises, Ive decided to have a bit of me-time: U3A, possibly solo spa days, may be even WI, and whatever else I fancy. Watch this space...........lol!

Ps whilst on a Caribbean cruise I came across ‘The Red Hat Society’, a group of ladies totally committed to having a great time, good clean and happy fun, with other similarly minded ladies. Originally a US network it has now crossed the seas and has groups around the UK but unfortunately not near enough for me! Google it ladies - there may be something near you.

That’s exactly how I felt joot ! They needed me to play the underdog which obviously boosted their ego’s. It got to the point where I would dread a night out with them and having to listen to their “my house is bigger than your house” or “my husband earns far more than yours” week in week out, so one week I just didn’t turn up. One of them rang to ask if I was running late and I plucked all my courage up to say “no, I’m not late, I’m just not coming “ and that was that . I do occasionally see them around in the town and we are polite but no more . I don’t miss them at all.

We too have some friends that we never see if we don't do the contacting. I couple of years ago we reconnected with old friends by inviting them for dinner. This was despite the fact they had never sent as much as an email when I was having cancer treatment. I was very hurt but wanted to give them a second chance as we were at one time very good friends. They came for dinner and we had a lovely evening - We haven't heard from them since. So they are off my Christmas card list in more ways than one!

So pleased to know I am not alone. We moved house four years ago we dont have many neighbours and I thought it would be easy to make friends, but no, most of the neighbours work all day and dont seem to get out of the house once home.When we first moved in, we had a little get together for the immediate neighbours, but nobody has done this since.We have moved a bit away from where we used to live and it now seems too far for friends to make the effort to call on us.Most comunication is done by e mail, texts, or Facebook messenger, its become a sad world, with so much technology.

Three of us grew up together, one friend from when we were about four and then joined by the third when we were about 10. Close friends through thick and thin, marriage, children divorce, change of careers etc., Even lived with friend 1 every summer for last four years of her life. She died on friend 3's birthday exactly a year after friend 3 had died. So lost them both. Have other people with whom I am friendly, but not friendships like this one

I am sad to read this and surprised because we find the opposite. We moved to a new town when we retired and didn't know anyone. Quite a lot of people did the same and so they are actively looking for friends. We actually have time to socialise and the great thing has been to have time to catch up with old friends.

I have friends at art class and we sometimes have coffee or lunch together. But no one comes to my house. I have one special friend from when I was five years old and my husband and I meet up with her and her husband although less often as they live an hours drive and we dont have the same energy at 67! When I was young, before we bought our first house I lived in a public housing estate. I knew all my neighbours. We frequently had chats and cups of tea in the garden. No one felt isolated and we all helped each other but still kept our privacy. I live in a very nice private semi now. We hardly know any neighbours. If someone died it could go unnoticed. I think most people are like this nowadays. sadly.

Lindadoughty sorry for the loss of your dear friends I too lost one of two very close friends last year. Its one of the very sad things about getting older.

Blencathra, do you live in the North Lakes?

I returned to London after years abroad and have had to join ladies forums to meet friends. I do have several friends but they all live outside London, meaning we have to set a meet up date. I don't know anyone locally. I go to classes but everyone seems to be cliquey. I am a Red Hat but don't feel like I particularly belong and absolutely hate the uniform.

So difficult to make friends as you get older I find. Sadly most of my longstanding friends have died over the last ten years but I'm still in touch with two, who I've known for nearly 60 years, but they live too far away for any contact these days. Have joined a Rambling Group, the WI and been a choir member in the past but as I'm not a member any more the friendships made there have now gone. I do have my dear husband but really miss having friends I can socialise with.

Lots of us do seem to have the same problem. Thank goodness for Gransnet. It helps. Seems to be associated with getting older for most folk.

On Radio Suffolk today they were talking about a new scheme, where coffee shops/pubs etc have what they call Meet Up Mondays. The venue lay on free tea and coffee for about 2 hours mid day, and local people of any age call in and chat. I'm not sure if it's just Suffolk, but seems a good idea.

Apparently people get chatting, and maybe decide to have a meal or snack together later in the week. It's good to see someone trying to address what is obviously a huge problem.

ruralcoffeecaravan.org.uk/news/meet-up-mondays-update/

That's an excellent idea!
Hope its introduced elsewhere.