Adult sulking - advice please

I think you probably know what you need to do, you need to end this unsatisfactory and abusive relationship. Life is too short.

I agree with all that’s been said Toffee. You are describing a situation my friend found herself in. This is bullying, pure and simple.
I’d never heard of love bombing before but this is exactly what he did - for a while...
Eventually she ran.
Good luck, be strong.

I’ve had fifty years of sulks . What saved my sanity was a book called ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’. This states that you should not hang around ‘the cave’ waiting for your man to emerge but should jump on a horse and gallop off for adventures. The worse thing I can do with my husband is to try to coax, plead or persuade. I learnt to simply ignore him and get on with my own life and he emerges when he is ready. I’m not saying it’s the ideal situation but life is too short to sit and watch him sulk.

This I couldn't cope with. Your guy has issues Don't kids sulk not grown men or women.? If has a problem then he needs to man up and discuss it with you. How long do you intend putting up with this (sorry about this)little boy?

Laugh - and get on with life. He will either learn to be less childish or you can lead a more independent existence and be less inconvenienced.

Sulking is a form of manipulation and definitely needs to be nipped in the bud but the chances are, at the age he is he's not going to change now. And it would wear you down living with someone who doesn't talk to you for 5 days. But do him a favour and tell him how bad that is in a relationship ... maybe he can work on it, even if it is with someone else.

I am also in the “end it now” party. It will get worse, it’s controlling, and it is emotional bullying. A man of his age will be entrenched in this way of managing his relationships. As someone else has said, end it and then ignore all the recriminations, pleading and promises to change. He won’t. You deserve better, and I hope all goes well.

This all sounds rather ominous Toffee; can you envisage living with this kind of behaviour if the relationship progresses? In the meantime you are missing out on happier times with other companions who might be so much better as partners for you.

Yep. I'm with other Grans. They're a wise lot who've been around, know the ropes. Time to move on. This bloke is a very unappealing specimen of manhood. You know this. You deserve much better. ?

My Dad used to do this - his record was 3 weeks. he made my childhood a misery, and it took a heavy toll on their marriage. It's basically passive aggression and difficult for someone-else to get past, if the user doesn't want to change. I wouldn't walk away from him - I'd run!

Another very important thing to consider is the effect he could have on the rest of your family if you got more involved with him or moved in together. I think there is a very good chance he would try to alienate you from your family, including your grandchildren, and make you spend less time with them.
If you are still feeling confused/emotional about the situation, write down the pros and cons of being with him (maybe get a close friend to help) - it does look as though the reasons to leave him far outweigh the reasons to stay in this relationship.
I have experience of both sulking and of manipulation in previous relationships - it's not worth putting up with this, especially as it's not been a long term relationship and you don't have any children together, for example.
You're still young and, as they say, there are plenty more fish in the sea. I got out of a manipulative relationship and, at 48, went on to marry a fantastic, caring man who loves my kids and grandkids to bits.
Good luck.

My OH used to sulk when we first got together. I saw that it was behaviour learned from his mother. He hated it when she did it, it carried on for days and poisoned the atmosphere at home

Fortunately he was able to recognise it in himself (once we'd had a chat about it) and it pretty much stopped.

When he does lapse now and then, I carry on as if he wasn't there. He soon comes round. We've been together 50years.

Just tell him to grow up and stop acting like a spoilt brat, same as you would to one of your offspring if they acted like that.

Ask yourself, ‘why do I need to be unhappy?’ If this behaviour is making you unhappy you can’t change a person and so you need to decide, am I happier or unhappier with this man? Only you have the answer.

Get rid. He won't change and late 40s is well young enough to find someone else who doesn't sulk.

It is a form of control. If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen p.d.q.

Toffee71, I dont have a clear picture of how it usually resolves. Perhaps there is no set pattern. But either way the power is all his, every time, as to if/when/how he will break silence and if/when he will do it again.

You on the other hand have been open and honest. Passive aggressors rely on that for it to work. So I'm thinking finish it by turning the tables. Use his own strategy against him to achieve what you you want: an end to the relationship. That way you:
1) reclaim your power
2) give him a taste of his own medicine and
3) teach him a lesson

Finish it by doing to him what he has been doing to you. Ideally when he is on another sulk, do it back. You will have the element of surprise because when you do it, it will be terminal. Only you will know that. So this time you hold all the cards and it will feel good. You know what they say: information is power.

Don't take his calls, don't answer the door, don't respond in any way to anything he eventually puts out. E.g. if he is expecting you over, just dont turn up. Dont reply to texts or letters. Be sure to give him that whole heap of NOTHING he's been giving you. Let him find out it is over by his just never hearing from you or seeing you, ever again. Enjoy.

Someone please tell me, what is LBT? And OP, I agree, get rid, move on - you deserve so much more than this! Good luck x

Sorry, LTB

I'm assuming it's Leave The B******! Think that's good advice, I've had years of it not too bad, but since he's retired it's worse. I long for a time when he'd be positive, or just enjoy things we do together.

I had little glimpses of the same behaviour with my DH when I first met him, but with both of us working we had busy lives, so it didn't cause too much of a problem. But now after 20+ years married and both retired it has become a serious issue. He wants me there all the time, resents the time I spend with friends or my family. Is constantly asking what time will you be home, whenever I go out, and if I'm later than I said I get an earful. He's such a control freak it drives me mad, but as he has health problems I would feel guilty just walking away. I am so close to doing this almost weekly, so my advice to you Toffee is get out while you can. Good Luck!

Leave him or let him get on with it. Believe me this is just the beginning of him asserting his control. Get out now while you still have some control. Whatever you do don't move in with him.

I would get out now. My daughter was married to a sulker. As time moved on other traits started to appear. He was very controlling to the point where I now firmly believe he has a personality disorder. He showed no compassion, he was always right everyone else wrong. Thank goodness my daughter managed to escape and they are now divorced. He still tries to control but she is now so much stronger and getting her confidence back. All this started with him sulking to get his own way.

Diggindoris - thats very sad. But its never too late - we are only here once and deserve to be happy! If this is how its going to be for the rest of your life, is that what you really want? Have a good sit down talk about things and warn him if things don't change, health issues or not, he will be spending a very lonely old age taking care of himself. Some people go to their deathbed regretting the things they did - but mostly regretting what they didn't do.

Leave him. Love bombing then on off and isolating is a classic and dangerous coercive strategy. Read Matters of Heart by Danielle Steel. Get a happy life with your friends and family and without him.