Not dealing with this well at all

My parents do sometimes have the kids back to theirs - but I know the boys prefer it when my parents come here.

Can one parent each take turns so that your daughter can go out and socialise when the kids are with the their dad and he go out when theyre with her?maybe sharing half a week each? Have the older kids said what they want to either parent?Also maybe it was easier to get out&about in summer but now kids are back at school and nights are drawing in a bit will all this perhaps settle down as kids will need to be 'homebased' wont they,monday to friday at least?you really are going to have to 'grab the mettle' and speak up for your grandchildren if they cant do it themselves wether your daughters upset or not! Im sure normally she is a good mum but this is a new situation- shes had her summer fun now the kids are back to school its time settle down&be a grown up im afraid.other 'good mums ' settle down &get back into the school routine after a hectic summer why not she? Maybe it was ok for the 'willing relatives' in the holidays but they too may be getting their lives in more of a routine now,so cant you have a word with them and get them to gently say no to her sometimes now for sake of the kids?if its not as easy for her to dump them on others then she may have to re- assess her priorities.explain to her how its affecting your health too- surely she cant go on just doing what she wants in face of all this?I sympathise with her too- if their dads gone to,as she sees it,to live life child free&single on his own, it must be tempting for her to do same- but she also has to face her responsibilities of the children and now its time to fulfill that?You are HER parent still- so its up to you to(gently)tell her all this.

I totally understand.
When my DS & DIL separated the 3 children did get farmed out to various relatives a bit. However down the line it has all worked out. The children come to us most often now-dil's parents stopped having them very quickly. We live 30 miles away but are very happy to have them anytime. It has worked well & everyone gets on fine & we have the benefit of seeing our DGC. They still enjoy coming here-well GM is actually a pretty good cook!
It will settle down in time but if you are able to stay over at your daughter's house so they can be on their own home then do it.
As long as everyone puts the children first it will all be OK in the long run.

Other posts are right- if your daughter wants a night out then offer to stay over at hers with the GC- so theyre in their own beds- or suggest their dad has them one night if its safe to do so(re:the drinking)or how about her new man coming to hers for dinner sometime so they can stay in?or how about them ALL going bowling/cinema etc together?theres lots of ways she can still enjoy herself without stressing out you& the kids.But yes you can help her handle the new situation without taking over.and without SS being involved.(what was agnurse thinking?)theyve enough to do without them being handed every little problem any parents ever had!Grandmums often are first person a child turns to to sort out something.My GD recently mentioned she no longer wanted to go to the the dance classes her parents were paying out for when she wasnt happy doing it- i mentioned it gently to them and its been resolved.

agnurse when you jump straight to your "you don't criticise another's parenting" chestnut you seem to completely discount normal relationships between adult children and their parents, helping, advising and being constructively honest when issues arise on either side!!! Nothing in the OP suggests that this grandparent wants to go over the top, take over or anything negative, she just loves them all and is making wise observations! Your suggestion of Social Services is frankly rather silly , and makes you look somewhat naive which is a pity

Peace at Last. As parents it is only natural to feel as you do when we see our children's. marriage break up.
I certainly do not believe, as one GN, insensitively in my view, states ' out having a good time' what ever DD is doing is her way of coping whether we approve !or not.
You need to concentrate on your GC so support DD let her know you are there for her, unsolicited advice is the last thing she needs ,and no way should you involve SS Don't meet trouble half way so if you want to help, get professional advice for yourself on how to get through this and allow your DD to handle it her way.

Why can't 'willing' relatives just say they can't have the children if they are being asked on a too frequent basis ?Might curtail the socialising and selfish behaviour of the parents.

And yes agnurse- once a mum,always a mum- if we have to 'scold' our grown up children we do- if they act like children- im not apologising for that- i think youre out of line suggesting SS too- you seem to be quick to 'pass the buck' on things, it seems you dont like to sort out a reasonable solution for things- if you cant suggest anything helpful/constructive for the OP then dont make a suggestion.sorry but sometimes it has to be said.

I fully appreciate the need to 'get out there' after a relationship, which has been deteriorating over a while, ends but both parents need to make sure impact on their children is minimised.

Neglecting children's emotional needs is now considered a form of abuse. I am not saying this is what is happening but the children will be feeling a bit vulnerable and confused in their new family arrangement. It is important for their well being to keep things as stable as possible.
In a similar situation my DH came to stay from Friday night to Sunday evening every alternate weekend and I went away. This meant kids were in familiar surroundings, could attend any clubs/ friends playdates etc. as normal. Also it did not make dad the provider of all treats: trips out etc. and he had to do the washing of school uniform. prepare meals etc. so they maintained a more 'normal' relationship with him. There should be a routine for the children, preferably one that they are involved in sorting out and are happy with. Their mum needs to put her needs on hold for a little while and dad needs to step up too, to make sure he plays his part. Good luck..never easy.

Don't get Social Services involved, that was a stupid suggestion. Your daughter has family and friends supporting her and it would be far better if you had a strong word with her and then went on holiday. Now school is back it will hopefully sort itself out.

Stay calm, peaceatlast, try not to interfere and just try to be there for the children and your daughter whenever they need you. You're getting very worked up about it all. There's a good chance that it will all settle down now that the school term has restarted.

All the best to you.

Peaceatlast - Sorry you're so stressed, it's an upsetting situation. Some good, supportive advice on here, I hope things calm down as time goes on.
Now term is starting the older boys will need to be in regular routines for school. Personally I think a week split between their parents would be disruptive in all kinds of ways. Weekends (some weekends?) with their father would probably be more sensible for everyone. I don't know how his football would be affected but that's his problem.
You don't say how your husband is seeing the situation. It is good that everyone is in touch and lives fairly near. I'm sure you know that as you get used to all these changes you'll provide a steady influence in your beloved grandsons' lives.
All good wishes, your holiday may enable you to take a longer, calmer look at how things are working out, it's early days yet. ?

Barmeyoldbat Social Services would need to be informed if any professional, in contact with the children, felt they were suffering. New expectations for child protection makes it illegal not to report concerns. For example if a teacher felt there had been a significant change in a child's behaviour/ demeanour /impact on their learning etc.
Hopefully the situation for OP and family will settle down to a less urgent need for mum to feel she needs to nurture her new romance.
The children's well being need to be the priority when considering any arrangements not mum's or dad's needs.

Your daughter doesn't waste much time. Fancy her thinking that offloading her children onto other relatives would keep her children on an even keel so soon after their father left.
No decent mother would do that, OR have a social life at the expense of her children's welfare.

You are right to be concerned about this situation, and the behaviour of both parents. Your daughter is divorcing her husband , not her children, and leaving a marriage for whatever reason does not betoken a return to the single life when children are involved.
I feel great sympathy for working parents finding child care to cover their work during school holidays, but once term time starts the children need the security of their home base as much as possible, including weekends. This would be the worst possible time for you to move away; you are a point of stability for your vulnerable grandsons trying to cope with their parents' irresponsible behaviour.
No doubt your daughter does cry, but she HAS to put her young children first, as should her husband.
Are you able to care for the children in their own home, strictly on your terms, making it clear you are not available for nights out with the girls, or boys, but for work purposes only? Friends are being sympathetic and helpful at present but will soon discover that their own commitments take precedence.
Once the divorce proceedings are under way, child care and maintenance are big issues which will have to be sorted out legally, assigning both parents rights and responsibilities ; hopefully both will have grown up by then and recognise their parental roles.
Whatever you do, don't abandon your grandchildren at this crucial time, but possibly consider distancing yourself later when the situation is more stable.

It's the Me generation. Must be awful to see all this happening but really very little you can do without being the interfering GP. You will no doubt support your DG however and whenever you can. Hopefully the adults will come to their senses and realise life isn't all about them.

Reading this it sounded like katie price

agnurse coming up with yet another of her unkind posts that puts the grandparent in the wrong. Please don't take any notice of her post, you are distressed enough about the situation that your beloved grandchildren are in, and worried enough about your daughter's behaviour. You have received some very good and kind suggestions from other grans, and I don't have any better advice for you, so I'm sending you simply a caring response and to let you know I've read your post and I sympathise with your difficult situation. Hopefully your daughter will settle down soon and the children will be happier with your love and support.

This is a bit of an Al Anon (for partners of alcoholics) situation. It is affecting you badly but it is only your daughter who can do anything about it. You have to learn to control the things you can and let go the things you can't and have the wisdom to know the difference. (End of Al Anon quote).

My daughter is similar - she puts her own needs above those of the children. She is out far too often and they have lots of different people picking up, minding etc., always have done. There is nothing I can do to change this, it's just the way it is. All I can do is fill in gaps. However painful for me it is their life, not mine.

For what it's worth one of my GCs is/was very highly strung and I worried a lot about him - now he is 15 he seems perfectly OK, kids are more resilient than we think.

Worst possible advice from agnurse, who seems intent on stirring. Plenty of good advice here, peaceatlast, so just ignore what is clearly meant to provoke.
I wish you and your family well.

I can’t believe anyone could suggest Social Services should be involved. The children are not being neglected nor even emotionally neglected since it’s clear they are much loved. SS have too much to do already without being bothered about children who would rather be at home than wherever they are being looked after.

Peaceatlast I hope your daughter settles back down into her mothering rôle. Many children of working single mothers are of necessity dropped at Breakfast club before school at a very young age then collected by a childminder and finally taken home at almost bedtime. Then grandparents and other relatives/friends will look after them from time to time at weekends to enable mum to get out. Children come to accept situations so long as they are not being harmed.

Perhaps in our day, on the whole, mothers were resigned to their lot when left to bring up the children on their own but these days a young mother is hoping for a new relationship and a lifetime companion. Hopefully the excitement of it will dampen down and she will return to putting the children first.

My mother’s mother, a feisty lady by no means allowing the children to get in her way, turned into ‘the Merry Widow’ after her husband’s death when Mother was 9, she used to tell me, and she was left to look after two smaller brothers while her mother went gallivanting. Your grandchildren are lucky to have you and other family prepared to care for them in the meantime. Of course you worry for them but try not to stress to the point of making yourself ill.?

The word 'seems' sometimes cloaks a variety of health issues which often manifest themselves in later years, maybe teens, maybe 20s or later.
Will children come to resent and blame parents for not being 'there' if events in their lives take a wrong turn?
All is NOT as it SEEMS.

Agnurse you and your daughter have to sort this out for you your daughter and the children’s sake.
If you cannot talk to her write her a letter with all your worries in it but try to make the letter unjudgmental .
I would ask her to come round and give her time and space to read it .
She will then at least know how you are feeling and may help you both to then talk about it . Good luck.

Sorry Agnuse the post was meant for peace at last !

Elrel my son and his partner split 8 years ago,their daughter was 18 months old.She has split her week between her parents ever since and she's a lovely happy wee girl .It depends on how its handled by the parents.She's a real Daddy's girl and she loves her time here .