Adult daughter issues

This reminds me a lot of my relationship with my mother. She was always telling other people how proud she was of me when I was younger and doing well academically, and then when I went to uni and graduated. But since then she makes it clear how I have disappointed her by not turning out how she had imagined. First that I didn't want to stay with my expartner who she liked, then that I moved further away for work, then that I didn't want to get have the big wedding that she imagined and then that I didn't want to have children. And all of this before I'd even reached 25, I still had years to get married and have children! Now that I am getting married I'm having a very small (witnesses only) ceremony as I can't stand the guilt trips from her. And now that I have DD I don't have her babysit as I'm wary that she will treat DD the same way. And I will not allow my daughter to witness the same disappointment in her, and feel the same guilt, that I did. She made it very clear to me that if me or my siblings were gay it would not be acceptable, none of us were, but how would she treat my child if she is? She's even worse with my brother, who has disappointed her in lots of ways, but mostly that he's 24 and isn't settling down.

The most frustrating part is that she blames us for her poor relationship with her, claiming we all hate her. But if she had just accepted us for who we were and not made it clear that she expected us to follow the life she imagined for us then it would be very different.

I hope you don't show your daughter that you are disappointed in her, you will just push her away and lose out if she ever does have children.

It's not unreasonable to have hopes and dreams for your child, it is unreasonable to have expectations on how they should live their life.

If this isn’t a wind up then please go and get some counselling.

Not once have you said in your post that you love your daughter. I think that is very sad . Be proud of what she has achieved and tell her that. We all like and deserve praise. Her career is her choice. I know many of us had children in our twenties because that was the norm then, women have children much later now so she has plenty of time. I didn't become a grandmother until my daughter was 33. She had a good career before that. Look to what you can achieve in your own life and don't try and live through your daughters. If she feels criticised and that you are disappointed in her it's not a great incentive to visit you is it?

Ye gods!!! Be thankful you have a daughter, fit and well, happy with her long term partner, a daughter who is living her life with a successful career, a daughter who isn’t living on benefits struggling to feed herself and put a roof over her head, a daughter who isn’t fighting breast cancer or dehabilitating disease, or has a drug habit, your daughter is alive, you are a very lucky woman, be very very thankful.

No wonder she is cold and absent, and chooses to live far away. Your comments about her are so negative - I can't believe that she doesn't know how you feel about her.

Try to learn something about her life instead of calling it shallow and materialistic, and to to move beyond your demonstrated puzzlement about her career . You know that her field is hard to break into, yet you show no pleasure in the fact that she has actually broken into it and done so successfully. I wonder how you'd have felt, if your own mother had shown such disdain for your lifestyle. Think about it !

For goodness sake why should your daughter live the life you want her to ?

I have 3 DDs , all very different in many ways. One married with a child, one divorced with a child and now living with a long term partner and one single.However they are all hard working , honest and decent young women which is why I am proud of them as you should be of your Daughter.

Health, Contentment, Gainful Employment, Sense of Community, Friends and hopefully a loving partner - if your children have those, or even some of those, and not necessarily in that order, then be glad for them. If they are living their lives independently of their parents, then you've done something right to enable them to do that. You should be glad, not sad, for the way your daughter has turned out. And as for our children's spouses/partners of whichever sex, be glad for them and totally accept that person into your family, otherwise you really will lose them and any children they may have. It's not really about you any more, even although you may be sad she does not live closer. It's her life, and it's only by opening your arms wide and accepting who and what she is that you will keep her close. She's getting on with her life, and you should be getting on with yours.

hello violetflowers and welcome to Gransnet.

Please don't take any of the more abrupt responses to heart - I've found that sometimes we type faster than we think and it's hard to remember there's a real person behind the posts.

I think the question you pose is really interesting and I think you're brave to admit to your feelings when I'm 100% sure you're not alone. I'm sure all of us have at times secretly wished our children were more communicative/kinder/cared more about their health/read more/brushed their hair more /chose a 'proper' career etc etc. The scale goes from small things to quite big things.

I think, if I'm right, that you are feeling down because your lives are so vastly different and it's difficult to understand each other. Also, especially when young adults fly the nest and move to cities or abroad they think they're 'above' their roots.

I'm sure you're careful not to let your misgivings or disappointment show to your daughter but make an extra effort not to let her get wind of it all. Shower her with praise and try not mention grandchildren, hard as it may be. I learnt this the hard way! I was convinced my eldest would never have children and was probably the most surprised when the 1st and then 2nd pregnancies were announced! Good luck, please keep yourself busy and do come back to post on Gransnet. It's a great distraction and a reminder that no one's life is perfect.

Just love her for who she is and not who you want her to be.
Your daughter sounds focussed and hard working to achieve the career she wants now. Later on she may want different things from life, including children .
Be proud of who she is and what she has achieved. It’s her life!

You are so lucky to have a happy healthy daughter who you have a relationship with rejoice in that and be happy .

If your daughter is happy, be proud of her and what she has achieved in a very hard industry. 24 is awfully young for her to be written off regarding children. I think she is distant because she knows your disappointment in her life choice. Embrace her choices and I think you'll get closer

If many felt they could tell the truth, I wonder how many mothers 'would put them back' if it were possible. The stark reality of 24 hours per day interaction, grind and worry is not at all the picture many had in their minds before babies. The cute little pictures in Mothercare do not depict the child at all. The difference in children now, to the obedient docile creatures we were during the 50's and early 60's was miles `away from the kids attached to phones, drugs in the air, violent videos and much else. It is credit to the parents who steer their teens through this minefield today.

How very sad.
I've disappointed my mother all my 64 years and her 'aspirations' for me (but never my two younger sisters) mean she constantly tells me 'If only you'd been a doctor/married a doctor/had a DC who's a doctor/gone to university from school and not when you were 47 etc, etc, etc.'
Why? Because she wanted to brag about me to her friends ?
Our relationship is very tenuous, she's 92 and still can't accept me as I am.
Very sad and has blemished everything I do.

Thankfully the one thing I learned is that I accept my DCs unreservedly- I'm immensely proud of them.

As a mother whose adored daughter died last year I beg of you, be proud of your child, allow her to be her own person. You have many years to come don’t waste the time wishing she isn’t living the life you chose for her, let her fly

I find this rather sad and wonder if you are a touch lonely in your own life? Do you have friends/work/hobbies that entertain you, it seems like you have a gap/void that needs filling.
At 24 that is so young for settling down/having children/giving up a career. Maybe could you try to show an interest in her world, let her take you to a fancy restaurant or bar or go shopping to a nice store just to create that bond and make a step towards meeting in the middle.
You must have given her that drive/work ethic when she was growing up so it would be a shame not to support her now.

What a shame you can’t just be proud of her for what she is. Have you ever considered that you might not be the mother she’d hoped you would be?

P.S. There is much there to be proud of, a well groomed clever smart daughter earning her living, independent and not having kids to various dads while out of work. She sounds wonderful.

Hello violetflowers - Did you yourself want to be a doctor or a vet, and never get the opportunity? Sounds to me as though you wanted your only daughter to aspire to something you couldn't/didn't, and as a default position you would like her to be settled, married and bringing you grandchildren. If you are giving off signals, albeit unintentionally, that you are disappointed in her achievements and choice of lifestyle you may find that you push her further away and you never get the chances of the kind of relationship you want with her. I echo what others have said regarding her age and career - at 24 she is still very young to consider throwing away all her obvious creative talent which is what would happen if she were to have children - as you say yourself, fashion is a difficult industry to break into. My advice is to keep in touch with her as much as you possibly can, show her you value her job success and turn a blind eye to the designer trappings that unsettle you. Don't even mention them. I get where you're coming from on this particular issue, but when she does have children she won't be able to afford them so let her have this period in her life and enjoy it.

Children grow up to be their own people. As long as they are not harming themselves or others and they keep in touch ..job done!,

Is she happy? If she is that’s all that matters I have four children and only 1 precious grandson I imagined lots of grandchildren it will never be, are my children successful yes, are they happy yes. I am proud of them all and what I think is so unimportant. Better still everyone is healthy. Try not to mind so much it’s very early days yet

Hello, writing as a daughter I can understand your disappointment. My mother waited and waited for babies to come and secretly it must have been very disappointing for her that I have no ambition of being a mother! She's dead now and while my memory of her is lovely and comforting, I have terrible pangs of guilt whenever I think about how much I disappointed her, even if she never mentioned it. Do you want your daughter to feel like this about you? The worst a child could feel is that they have been a disappointment to their parents.

Like loopylou I’ve also always lived with my mums disapproval, she’s now 88 and I’ve never had any praise for any accomplishment. I was at the top of my career with over 100 staff under me, but my sister who had 6 staff in her shop was much more important ! I dressed wrongly, did my up house wrongly, bought my 3 kids up wrongly ... you name it and I did it wrong ! My Dad said it was actually her jealousy. Whatever your reasons, please accept your daughter as her own person as others have said, be proud of her, invite her for a spa weekend or something you can do together and bond, life’s just too short. I stopped wanting my Mums approval many years ago, I see her once a week out of duty and my sister who couldn’t do a thing wrong, now lives abroad so I’m all she has.... poor thing !

I felt supremely sad to read this, violet flowers. As others have said, she is who she is. She is healthy, no disability, no drugs, works hard, earns her designer clothes herself....you still,have a husband, younhavembeen lucky enough to see your child grow up....so so much to be thankful for. Give her a hug as soon as she calls next time.....please

You can't live your daughter's life for her, let her get on with it. I wonder if YOU were the daughter YOUR mother wanted? I think you are being very silly. What if your daughter had a terminal disease then you would have something to moan about!!!