Adult daughter issues

As your daughter is living in the fashion world, it is no doubt expected of her to wear expensive designer clothes etc. herself and I doubt very much if she will be paying full price for her garments, if anything. New designs are given to the rich and famous to wear so could also be a perk of her job.
You don't say what her involvement is but as a designer she might be making a long term career out of it but if she is a fashion model that might have a shelf life - at which time she might decide to have babies....or not.

My daughter is 44, single and has never wanted kids my two sons both have kids, 6 between them. The problem is their partners are both heavy drinkers and we have had many family arguments over their behaviour. They are not the daughters in law I would have wanted, so I am very grateful for the daughter I have, even with no man and no kids.

How unbearably sad for you, violetflowers, and a whole lot sadder for your daughter. If you are disappointed in her, maybe that is why she is cold to you. I think it is called Karma. Give yourself a good shake, look at her achievements and celebrate them... with her. Lots of people at 24 do not want children but they get broody later. The city is an exciting place to be when you're young but things change but she won't want to move back to an area where disappointment is going to be an every day occurrence. Do yourself a favour and start to build up a better relationship with her before it is too late.

Young , glam with a decent career . A partner who is similar . Whats not to like ? I have several friends who have children of similar ages . One friend has supported her son through severe mental illness , another cancer and my neighbours daughter has just landed a part time minimum wage job after being unemployed for 4 months and parents are overjoyed . At 24 she has plenty of time for children or would you rather she would have had them whilst just finishing school ?
I am baffled by your post . I actually wouldn't blame her for distancing herself from what seems a one sided toxic relationship .

I don't see what is shallow about what she is doing. The fashion industry is one of the biggest industries there is and is essential for the creation of jobs in many places. It is very successful and so she must have real ability to succeed.
My mother talked me out of changing my career when I realised that I was following a path that I wasn't happy in. I felt bullied but was not in a good place emotionally at the time and caved in. I have always wished that she could just have supported my choice. I admire your daughter for sticking to her choice despite your disapproval (which she will be very aware of however much you may believe that you have not shown it).
If she does decide to have children at a later date, she will be well set up and she may find it an easier career to work flexible hours than being a doctor, and who wants a reluctant doctor to be treating them.
I'm not sure what is expected of her. Should she feign an interest in medicine or animals? Should she ignore her artistic side?
It is all a bit confusing.

I also have a grown up daughter whose life has turned out differently than I’d hoped. Although she has a good career she has been plagued with mental illness since her teens. She lives a long way from me and when I visit it can be difficult as we haven’t much in common.
But I love her as she is and hope one day she will be free of mental illness.
She doesn’t have a partner and has never wanted children.
I admit I’ve been a bit sad about that but I have two grandchildren by my son .
We have to love and accept people as they are and not how we would like them to be.

I do empathise. My DD has serious mental health issues and can be very difficult, although my overriding feelings that I want her to be happy. It’s hard to accept that she isn’t the darling girl she was but it’s teaching me to be accepting. My sister has the model daughter and they are very close so I feel envious. I guess I assumed that would be the same for me. I don’t think many people voice their negative feelings about their children but we’re only human.

Your daughter is only 24 time enough for babies at 34. Please be grateful you have her. My cousin lost her daughter through cancer at 20, I know she would give anything to be in your position.

As so many have already posted violetflowers, be happy that she is healthy and be proud of her success.

I think many of us have dreams of what our lives will be like when our children grow up. Thoughts of wonderful weddings, family gatherings and GC to love and cherish but for many these dreams don't become a reality.

None of us know what the future may bring which is why it's better to focus on the here and now and be thankful for what we do have, rather than focusing on what we think is missing.

She's only 24. Be proud of her. My daughter has a successful career and didn't have her first child until she was 35 and the second at 42. I was always thrilled to hear about her career and wouldn't have thought about her having children until they came along. Even if your daughter waits ten years she's still a young woman.

I think you should grow up, she is living her life not your dreams, that is how it should be. I recently lost my daughter at a young age to cancer. I would dearly love to have her back living her life her way.

Sounds like she is having a wonderful life and has achieved a lot. Be proud of her and her achievements. It is normal now for women to wait until their 30s to have children. My eldest didn't have her 1st until she was 36 and 2nd at 38

"Instead she's rather cold and absent" I expect that's because she can tell that "she's not really the daughter I would've wanted."

Honestly, I'm a bit gobsmacked by you. You say "all my friends wish she was theirs!" Well I suggest you listen to them.

I've just gone and dug out a book from the shelf, a favourite book that your comments on your daughter have reminded me of - "Trouble with Lichen" by John Wyndham (1960). The main protagonist, Diana, has just won a prestigious scholarship, and whilst her father and teachers are delighted for her, Diana knows that her mother isn't. Her teacher is trying to explain why that might be -

"Has it ever occurred to you that when the daughter of a domestic-minded woman chooses to have a career, she is criticising her mother by implication? She is saying, in effect: "The kind of life that was good enough for you, Mother, isn't good enough for me." Well, mothers - like other people - don't care for that very much."

Your bemoaning that she doesn't live nearby and isn't "chatting about marriage/grandkids" - well, yes, you sound just like Diana's mother there. And as for "maybe have/or be studying for a more meaningful job like being a vet or a doctor" - well, you're actually calling her chosen career meaningLESS then, aren't you?

You're taking it personally that what she wants for herself isn't what you wanted, and that will frankly be poisoning your relationship. Because I don't for one second believe she's not fully aware of your opinion of her choices.

In short, your "adult daughter issues" are actually YOUR issues, not hers; and if you want to have any relationship with her (and any grandchildren she may CHOOSE to have at some point) then I suggest you give yourself a bloody good talking to. Carry on the way you are now and she will become more cold and absent, just to protect herself from her selfish and uncaring mother.

I find this incredibly sad. A successful daughter, doing well in her chosen profession, you should be so happy for her.Having children is not the be all and end all for some women, they just don't want them. Perhaps she is "cold and absent" because she picks up from you that you are not satisfied with her choice of life. You cannot live your child's life, be happy and grateful for her. I have 4 lovely children, perhaps I wished difference in their lives but it is their life and they must live it how they choose. Just love her and perhaps next time you see her tell her how proud you are of her and what she has achieved and how much you love her.

Violetflowers most 24 year old women haven't got round to thinking about children these days. I know it feels odd to us, but look around at the ages of your generation's daughters when they become mothers for the first time.

Perhaps your daughter doesn't want children and if that is the case nothing you can do will change that.

Try to enjoy the fact that she is a success in her chosen career and has found the time to find a permanent partner. In six years time they may well get round to starting a family.

Is she cold, or do you just feel guilty because you sometimes wish she was different? If she is distant it could be because she is afraid she has disappointed you. Let her know that you are proud of her. It won't do any harm and it might help to bring you closer together.

My son is 31 and living on his own I'd give anything for him to meet a nice girl and have a living relationship but is that what he wants??i dont know only time will tell all I really want is for him to be happy and i will live the moment when it happens .

My daughter is distant too although we see a lot of her. But the attitude she has to life is totally different to ours and there is no warmth or closeness between us like I wanted it to be. Sad but that's the way it is and she is a career girl like the poster's daughter.

Good grief op she’s still a kid and she’s achieved so much!

Tell her you are very proud of her and take her out for a meal and cocktails.

Celebrate her fantastic acheivments and give yourself a head wobble. She sounds a credit to your parenting so you should both celebrate that.

Can't be many people disappointed in their fit, healthy, successful adult children?

I have three daughters. I brught them up to be independent and to find a career they enjoyed. My daughters' being fulfilled and happy is very important to me. Your daughter is living her life as she is entirely entitled to do. I'm afraid how she spends her hard earned money is her business. Perhaps you should visit her, take some interest in her career and get a life of your own? Could ask yourself if you are
the mother she expected you to be?

I have five sons, the eldest is 37 and a drug addict living on the streets, the youngest is 27 and has ASD and doesn't work. Of the middle three, two work in manual jobs and one is working in IT. You don't know how lucky you are, I feel sad that you feel this way.

Dear violet flowers.
Your beautiful successful D has a life which is full of hope for the future. What young girl for that is what she is, doesn't have an overwhelming interest in fashion, money, career, and enjoying herself with a lover. Be thrilled for her and get on with your own life. It, life, is short enjoy yourself and start doing something wonderful for yourself.

Children weren't meant to turn out just the way we want them to. Our role as parents is to provide the tools they need in order to be successful, independent adults, able to make sound choices in their own life.

It's hard sometimes to face the fact that the job is done and it's no longer up to us what they do. That still doesn't mean we are not loved.

So, be more supportive of your daughter. These days thirty is the new 'twenty' and young professionals are getting married and having children much later.

She's only 24. Once she starts her own family, it's a totally different dynamic. Both my daughters got married in their thirties. Now that they have husbands and children they've become much closer to us (even the one who lives over a thousand miles away).

Above all, don't despair. Be proud of the independent, successful woman you raised and always let her know how much you love her.

When my daughter was around 5 years old, someone told me not to have any ambitions for my child as her future life was none of my business. Although, I've always wished her health and happiness, I've basically supported her choices and wishes.
I don't know if this is the right or wrong way to parent but if felt correct to me.
I think your daughter's life, is hers and she's living it how she chooses.
You should take pride in bringing up an independent, strong, focused and successful daughter, who is thinks for herself.

Although she may not be the kind of daughter you dreamed of you should be proud that you bought up a strong independent woman, who has a successful career at a very young age.
Don’t give up on her yet, a lot of these yuppies get to their 30s and panic because their body clock is ticking down.