husband and children/grandchildr en

All I can add is no man would ever come between me and my kids I would never never never accept from day one that one part of my family couldn’t stay or visit why on Earth go along with that I just don’t understand
You wrote two years ago so you were already very unhappy after only six years together now it’s worse
No one can tell you what to do but only what we would do and no way would a man dictate who I could or couldn’t have in the house
Good luck . Manny

Oh manny you have my deepest sympathy and empathy. I can so well relate to your situation. DH and I are enquiring about counselling as we, also, seem to be leading separate lives with one being semi-retired and wanting to 'see the world' - as well as family and friends and the other sinking further into work (self employed from home) and acknowledging he is withdrawing more and more. If I find a solution in the counselling you will be the first to know - rest assured you are not alone

Jools1903 that’s my story too ....no man on this planet will ever get between me and my AC and GC. I told my 2nd ex that if he even put me in that position of choosing him or my family then he would lose..... and he lost. What your husband is doing to you is pure mental cruelty, he knows you are in pain and anguish, and clearly does not care. My advice to you is to confide in your AC ASAP and am sure that they will help you find a way out. We only live once and life is far to short to be so unhappy, go .......

Is he French and did you get married in France. The laws are very different here, especially if you 'abandon' the 'family' home.

Oh Manny ...that's no life. Hard as it is to 'break up' ...especially now that we are older and possibly feel less resilient...surely the thing to do is to end this mistake of a marriage before any more damage is done to both you and your relationship with your children and grandchildren. Sometimes the letting go is more the pain of relinquishing the dreams, hopes and expectations that we had of a relationship, than parting with the cold hard day to day facts which stare us in the face. You married hoping to be happy and to share these years...now in fact you are tired, sad, lonely and medicated. Please take your courage in both hands and make a new life for yourself, with your loving family able to be as much a part of that as you and they want to be. Controlling husbands are bad news and in my experience get worse, not better. Sending hugs (((xxx)))

Your AC are going to become increasingly resentful that you are putting your husband's needs and wishes before them. They would be saints not to. You have to decide what you hope for the future and start by looking at your options.
You can't live your life for your AC but it seems like a choice between being lonely in a difficult marriage and being lonely on your own.
I would suggest making a detailed alternative plan. Then put it aside for a day or two and just allow everything to wash over you. Then see how you feel. You will mourn for the marriage that you wanted to have but you need to be realistic about the one that you do have. People live longer nowadays. Do you want to be with him for another 20 years possibly as his carer? Would he become yours or would he not tolerate that either?

Oh such sadness and really what have you got to lose? Are you financially secure? Could you start a new life? Your family are important as well as your husband its up to you but I think you know what you have to do.

it sounds miserable beyond comprehension i know its frightening and scarey splitting but you are getting nothing staying. you are lucky in having a second house so i would take advantage and go to it. i cant see anything changing tell your family you need them and i am sure they will rally round

It's never too late to get out of a miserable lonely marriage you deserve happiness .I left my home and most of the contents after a 27year relationship he was constantly jealous and tried to come between my family and friends I lived like you in a constant state of anxiety due to his miserable intolerance of my 3 children get out he won't change my regret is that I missed out on my family due to me putting him first for so long.

Leave him permanently, it's your only sensible solution. You're not going to get any less unhappy staying, just more so as you inevitably feel more and more resentful. Living alone has many advantages (I'm happily married, but have been divorced twice and loved the times in between!) and for you a huge advantage will be increased contact with all your lovely children and GC. Get out now, before you have a full blown breakdown.

Usually I can see two sides in every situation to the point that it irritates friends who have come to 'have a moan'. But in this case I echo all the advice given above. Plan, consult real life friends/family whom you trust, seek legal advice and then, as they say on Mumsnet, LTB.

Hi manny, four years ago I released myself from a 29 yr relationship that had started going wrong approx 15 years in. The final straw was when he rejected my need for affection.
The responsibility for the breakdown was purely on his shoulders but I gave him the opportunity to tell me if he had issues with me that he had put up with. He thought long and hard and admitted that there was nothing. I felt validated and it made for an amicable split after 6 months of continuing to share the family home while I found somewhere else to live.
Like yourself, the unhappy feelings do not happen overnight. Quite a few years prior to the separation, a thought popped into my head that I didn't love him anymore. I was distraught and pushed it away, but the same thought kept returning until it was there every day.
Please don't put it off any longer.
It's better to be alone and happy and you have your family.
You are slowly losing yourself and your situation will not improve.
Your husband may not listen and that's his choice but you have to be selfish for your own health and wellbeing.
Take courage, I wish you well x

I think you know that you should not have married this man, his attitude suggests he just wanted a housekeeper and he is intolerant of your GC.
No man would tell me my AC could not visit.
You are going to have to grow a backbone and tell him to shape up or ship out.

Two words Manny, leg it! Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? He sounds incredibly selfish. Doesn’t he realise how his behaviour is making you feel?

It sorry but I couldn’t be with a man who didn’t treat my children with love and respect for four minutes , let alone four years. I think you need to leave before this man before he ruins your relationships with your children, he doesn’t deserve the lovely extended family he could have.

I'd sort out living in the separate homes. That would give some space and peace whilst giving consideration whether or not to divorce.
Personally, I'd be out of there.

He sounds like a controlling bully who brings you nothing but unhappiness.
Get rid before the situation starts to cause your family relationships to deteriorate.

Write down all the good things about the marriage and then list all the bad things. Have a good look and I'll bet there's more negative than positive. No man would would lay down the law regarding my family. I know what I would have done ......a long time ago. Be happy. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

You're contemplating leaving which will involve a great deal of upheaval and emotion. It'll require fortitude and conviction, both of which will diminish as the years go by. Please don't leave it too long - it would be all the more sad if you found yourself trapped in a situation that you didn't have the energy or strength to get out of.

I think I know the type, stubborn, driven sort of men, hard working and successful. I know a couple of men like this and their wives find them difficult they get very entrenched ideas and won't budge an inch. I don't think I could stand it for a minute. I don't think any woman should put up with being treated like that, especially if it affects the family.

I agree with everything that has been suggested to you. The one thing that has not been suggested is jealousy. He could well be jealous of the affection you show towards your children and grandchildren. It's rather like a child jealous of the new born that has invaded the house. Thinking his mother's love is now halved.
Of course,this may be of no use to you. He's almost certainly unable to change so, sadly like everyone else,I would advise you to leave. No marriage is better than an unhappy one. You will never be lonely with your loving family around you. Have courage.

manny So sorry you are so unhappy. }flowers]
Just a note of caution - always get legal advice first before doing anything at all.

I agree Synonymous
Especially if two properties are involved - I hope they are in joint ownership manny

Your letting this man walk all over you! Personally I would prefer to live with less money and be stress free. I dont understand how you would be more lonely than you are now.
It doesnt matter who is right or wrong if you are so very unhappy with this man and you can't fix it you shouldn't be with him. Try a long period apart and see how you feel. I bet you feel great. Lots of people live aline and are happy and content. Life is too short and all this stress isn't good for you.

I'm so deeply sorry, manny. Have you and he considered returning to counseling? It helped once, maybe it would help again? If you don't think so, then I echo the advice to separate/divorce. But, for practical reasons, I also agree with getting legal advice first. Let us know what you decide.