Don't know what to do

I have no idea but didn't want you to think there was no one else out here on the forums. Its hard as really its no one else's problem and there is the issue of confidentiality. I
suppose if they mention it when you meet then you will have to be led by their conversation. Not easy for you .........

Try to say nothing , if you take sides it will not go well if things calm down and you really can't help the poor woman . If you fall out with your friends it won't help either

Smileless, you must stand up for the righteous ......your friends' son seems to be unreasonable.
You must continue to support the young woman, and I also think his parents should be aware of the situation. It's going to be awkward for you and Mr S when you meet them next week. I, personally would not be able to keep it from them, but then I tend to talk too much. I'm hopeless at keeping secrets.
Isn't it awful when marriages end? It's a good thing there are no children involved.
Good luck Smileless !

Not questioning anything you say, but isn’t it mostly true that there are two sides to any story?
While you may be able to express your regret at the breakup of the relationship, this can’t be before they mention it and you are certainly not in a position to criticise their son.
Only they may do that as most of us would close ranks and defend our offspring even to close friends.
If their friendship matters to you, keep any criticism to yourselves.
See how the land lies, there may well be a way back from this and to be too outspoken would be likely to be curtains for your friendship.

Apologies in advance if I haven't understood your post correctly, but I agree that when you meet your friends you should not comment at all on the situation unless they introduce the subject.

As regards your d.i.l, if she cannot work because it is her husband whose visa permits this, would it not be better to return to the UK?

I really wouldn't mention anything to your friends unless they talk to you about it and even then it may not be a good idea to let them know you know so much about the situation. It's lovely you're supporting the DiL but it's a bit like treading on eggshells as your friends may feel this is taking sides if they find out. Be sympathetic by all means but don't be critical of the son - after all you've known him all his life and whatever has happened between the two of them you are only hearing one side of it.

Not a good position to be in.

You and your friends have both only heard one side. I would not say anything as they will support their son and you will lose your friends.

I would be a listening ear but not get involved as you say she has friends and family in the UK that she can contact.

I am sorry that you are in this position, smileless but I think you have unwittingly taken sides. If you say nothing to your friends and their DiL says she has been in contact with you, will they be angry that you kept it to yourself? Or that you appear to be on her side.

Do you know that what she says is true? If this is out of character for your friends' son, what has caused the change? Is he ill, is the DiL making things up.

If you value their friendship you should be open with them.

Ouch.

I would suggest not saying anything to them. I can understand you being upset. I'm bothered by what's going on. The thing is, a parent's instinct is to protect a child. By definition they will likely feel defensive about their son.

I would suggest maintaining open lines of communication with the DIL if at all possible. This isn't being a traitor to your friends. You don't have to advertise that you're supporting her. Rather it's about not putting yourself in the middle of their conflict.

Oh what a dreadful situation to be caught in the middle of. Obviously your friends will support their son, but surely they will also wish to keep a line of communication open with their DiL and their grandchildren? The problem with saying nothing is that when they find out you have had contact with their DiL, and they will find out, you could be cast as taking sides. If possible, tell them you are in contact, don't take sides, emphasise that you know their are two sides to every break up, that you love their son dearly, but you also feel sorry for this vulnerable DiL who has, by the sounds of it, given up her career to follow her husband's path, and is now being cast adrift. Don't dump the poor girl though, it does sound desperate.

Thanks everyone for your responses.

Unfortunately there are children involved crazy all under the age of 10.

Sadly, this is not completely out of character kittylester but we would never have expected him to go to such extremes. You're right, we have unwittingly taken sides but not just because of what we've been told. We spent some time with them last year and his behaviour toward his children and his wife left a lot to be desired.

It was near impossible not to pick him up on it but somehow we managed.

She wants to return to the UK humptydumpty hence the court application for re settlement. It's a terrible situation. He knows she wants to come back but refuses to return here.

She doesn't want to take the children so far away from their father but feels she has no choice. She has no friends there and is totally reliant on him financially which he's using to try and control her.

You're right Mawbroom and Willow, it would be wrong for us to bring this up, we need to to see if they mention it to us. We're torn between hoping they will and hoping they wont.

We're hoping and praying that the court hearing goes well. That the judge orders a fixed sum to be paid into her bank account on a regular basis, that a neutral place is agreed upon for him to collect and return the children so he doesn't have to go to the house and that he's told not to message her any further unless it's about arrangements for the children.

Hopefully, if he gets his wrists slapped which I'm sure he will, he'll calm down and start to behave reasonably. He's told her he's told his parents about all of the lies she's telling and his mum has said she hates her.

I've known my friend for 30 years and just know she'd never say such a thing.

Thank you agnurse and Gill I agree that it is important for them to stay in touch with their d.i.l., f.i.l. is making an effort all be it sporadically but m.i.l. is remaining pretty much silent.

The poor girl is so distraught. She's terribly thin and has dark circles around her eyes. I just hope that our friends will see that supporting their son doesn't mean they have to condone his bad behaviour.

For his own sake he needs to behave. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he's already made life difficult for himself by putting the majority of his verbal abuse in writing.

We've been friends for such a long time and they've been a tower of strength to us through our troubles. It would break my heart if we were to fall out but my heart is breaking for this poor girl.

Surely Smileless, your friends would understand your concerns, especially as they have been such good understanding friends while you have been dealing with your own sadness regarding sons, Dil, and grandchildren? Presumably they know your son as well as you know theirs, so are aware of how unexpected and inexplicable behaviour can be? I do hope that you, as long standing friends, can give comfort to each other, and your female friend ( who sounds as if she is in shock, to be honest), can speak about this dreadful situation with you.

Yes Gill they know both of our boys as well as we know theirs. We've never shied away from their well meant and honest criticism of our ES.

If it's wrong it's wrong isn't it. It doesn't become right just because it's your son whose behaving badly. I just want them to talk to her, to listen to what she's got to say rather than judge her on the say of their son.

They were with them several months ago and I know that they witnessed some pretty unpleasant behaviour from both of them, it has to be said, but f.i.l. told us his son's behaviour was off the radar.

It isn't easy coming to terms with cruel and abusive behaviour from your own AC and no body knows that better than us but it has to be done.

If they face up to what's happening they may well be able to help him and if they talk openly to us, we may be able to help them. Thank you.

I think it would be best to stay fairly non-committal if speaking to your friends; however, you can still support the DIL without being too partisan. Sometimes someone in distress just wants a listening ear and not necessarily an opinion.
I hope she can manage to come back to the UK - and I hope all her family and friends here will be able to support her.

I wonder if he is having an affair. If someone is having an affair they can tell themselves that it is because their partner is unreasonable, unloving, unkind - all kinds of untruths because it absolves them from guilt about the affair. The worse they behave towards their partner (who then becomes distressed or even angry) the more they can justify their actions to themselves.

Most of all, the children need to be in a calmer atmosphere as it sounds as if the parents could be arguing around them if the father has witnessed this and his son's behaviour was off the radar.
He has not been taking drugs has he?
If that is one of the accusations, that could explain his change in behaviour.

Smileless, I'm sorry you're in this tricky position. I agree with those posters who advice saying little or nothing and to avoid appearing to take sides. Does the dil have parents or other family members she can confide in? It would be better for her to seek their support than that of her soon-to-be xh's parents' friends. But she has to figure that out by herself, of course.

* advise, not advice, LOL!

We met up with our friends while we were away and nothing was mentioned so we didn't bring it up. When we got back we had a message from their d.i.l. telling us he (her f.i.l.) has blocked her on FB.

I hate FB, Mr. S. partakes but I don't. It's a wonderful tool for keeping in touch but also enables people to do horrible things like this.

Sad to say, this hasn't come as a complete surprise as far as he's concerned but I can hardly believe it of my friend. We've decided to say nothing unless they bring it up and if they do, and ask if we're in contact with her we'll be honest and say yes.

Just 2 years ago, my friend was so close to her d.i.l., getting ready to go and stay with her to help her when her new baby was born as her son works away.

It's frightening how quickly things can change and even more frightening when there' no justification for it.

My almost estranged d.i.l. has also blocked me - son is not on FB anyway.

I do like FB because it keeps me in touch with old, old friends, and we get to see the families etc and stay in the loop, so to speak.

I like fb for the same reason as crazyH. But I know it can be hurtful sometimes. So sorry dil blocked you crazyH. And, Smileless, I'm sorry to hear that your fil friend blocked his dil.

Glad you and Mr. S. didn't bring the topic up and that they didn't either. It might have just led to an argument and hurt your friendship.

Agree with your decision to be honest if they ask if you're in contact with her. Because I believe in being honest, and because if you lied and they found out, it wouldn't go over very well.

I've always believed that 'honesty is the best policy' Starlady. Not always the easiest way to be but ultimately the best.

I find some of your original post difficult to understand Smileless she didn’t want to go for a 2.5 year period. They have been there 3.5? did she join him then or what does that mean ?and what ever is an EH ?
Anyway beyond that I don’t really see how your deep involvement can help Smileless, you have obviously become close friends with the wife so are hearing her side only and are infuriated for her but without really knowing the back story What if she had played a part in the breakups
None of us knows what goes on behind closed doors and we surmise all sorts depending very much on our own experiences, we mentally judge things very differently depending on our own life’s happenings
Surely you should stay loyal to your friends and not take sides until you have more information
If this young lady is so upset unhappy and stuck in a foreign country why are her OWN family not helping her ?
I don’t really think it’s your call at all unless your friends ask you to be part of these young people lives
Let both sets of parents do what is needed

She agreed to go with him because he had a job offer and it was his desire to go there Bluebell. Because of her reluctance it was agreed that they wouldn't stay there for more than 2.5 years maximum. The family moved there, she didn't join him there later.

'EH' is estranged husband.

No one is perfect and of course we realise that but we have more than her side of the story. We have seen first hand how he's changed and until very recently she had her f.i.l.'s full support and understanding which is why his decision to block her on FB was such a shock for her.

We hope that our love and support will help her feel less isolated and alone. Her family are doing what they can but the fact she lives so far away in another country makes the whole thing far more complicated, especially from a legal perspective.

I have worried that our ongoing contact and support would be disloyal to our friends as it's happening without their knowledge. However, had they chosen to tell us about what's been going on, and of course it's their prerogative not too, we would have been transparent from the beginning.

There is no way we would condone his behaviour, if it were coming from her or one of our own sons. We are a
part of their lives by virtue of the fact that we've known him since he was a little boy and have been in regular contact with him, and as a consequence his wife, for years.

Thanks for the explanation Smileless, so are you living in the same country as this lady? as you say her family can’t do much as she’s so far away from them, are you nearer ? If not I think it’s her families place and not yours I suppose I find it really hard to understand why you have such a big part in it all
I am thinking of it from my own situation I have a very close best friend who has known my children from small just like you but if during my adult child’s marriage break up I found my friend was supporting one or other without me knowing I would be mortified and see it as a huge betrayal and really have to think twice about our friendship
I don’t even think its the place of her in laws to try and sort it out, much less a family friend