Don't know what to do

Well we don't regard it as a betrayal Bluebell. As I've previously posted, it isn't possible for us to talk about what's going on as they don't wish to discuss it. If and when they do we will of course be prepared to talk about it with them.

If you were in a similar situation and talking to your friend and then discovered that she was "supporting one or other without (you) knowing", I could understand you being upset by that if your friend was agreeing with you to your face and disagreeing behind your back, but I don't see being there for someone and offering them what support you can as an act of betrayal.

I would like to think that a friendship which spans many years wouldn't have to be re thought, and that support being given in a very difficult situation wouldn't be seen as a huge betrayal, why should it?

I don't, have never and never would expect anyone be they family or friend to support my AC, just because they are my AC, regardless of how they're behaving. We haven't heard from him but if or when we do, there's nothing we've said to his estranged wife that we wouldn't be prepared to say to him.

I don't think you are betraying a friendship smileless, just offering a listening ear to someone in a desperate state. I wonder if your male friend has disconnected from his DiL due to pressure from his wife and son? Nobody but the couple concerned know what goes on in a relationship or why it breaks, but this young woman is trying to hold her family together and needs to know there is someone who will not judge and who she can turn to. I do hope that your friends do not get offended when they find out ( they will, their son will probably tell them, just to stir things up a bit more), hopefully your own experiences of estrangement will make them think carefully before they judge. We can all love our children without liking their behaviour, and surely they do not wish to risk being unable to see their grandchildren, especially after seeing what you and your husband have been through.

Yes Gill I think that is the reason. He told me a couple of months ago that she said they have to support their son which of course they do. Love him and support him but not condone his bad behaviour just because he is their son.

We've been through a lot as friends over the years and their support of us has been and remains invaluable. We're all to aware of the damage that lies and manipulation can do to the closest of relationships, as are they by virtue of our experience.

It's not easy to see your son behaving in a way you'd never have thought possible or the son of a dear friend who you've known from child hood.

She's not the type to interfere with their relationship with their GC but it's going to make things difficult in the future if she feels they regard her as the enemy.

When I read this I felt a few alarm bells ringing. There are two sides to every story. Why is she in daily contact with you Smileless? If she can get in contact with you she could be with others. If your involvement with this girl is not known by your friends, this would be viewed as taking sides and interfering, they must be suffering too, the girl has been blocked for a reason and its family business. You don't know the wholesome only what this girl wants you to hear. The couple will sort things out. Lots of us don't want dirty linen discussed on Facebook, me for one. That's why I'm not on it. Things should be sorted out privately by the couple and their families. I don't mean to be hard but I do wonder why a young woman would say she has only one person, to confide yet is on Facebook with presumably no friends.

I understand what you’re saying Smileless of course you don’t see it as a betrayal you sound like a lovely kind person who wants to help but I d be mortified if my friend was befriending one or other behind my back What I would expect her to do is come to me and say so and so has been ringing me up looking for support what on earth should I do then she as my best friend would either say please keep out of it we must leave it to them to sort out, or she’d say that’s lovely she needs support how kind of you
I really don’t think it needs any more information about the situation given on here but can’t you see that first it needs the couple to sort their own problems out, without outside intervention, second if needed her own family to support love and advise (if asked) and thirdly again only if asked her in laws but the fact she is bypassing all those people to confide in you sounds worrying You just do not know the back story or the reason the husband has changed character and in one post you say they both behaved badly it could be a different scenario to what you are hearing or imagining
There must be a reason she is not turning to her own family. You could so easily (through your kindness) get sucked into a big family war
Please take care of your kind heart

Rereading your op here, Smileless, I see that the son doesn't want his parents to be in contact with dil. Chances are, he doubled down on his efforts to get them to end contact, and that this is why fil blocked her. Also, I agree that mil must have influenced fil.

They love their ds, of course, and may see the situation differently than you and Mr.S do. You don't know what he's telling them. And yes, I agree that gc are a big motivator. They may be afraid that if they go against their son or get involved in any way, he might manage to keep them from contact with the gc.

If your friends find out that you've been giving your support to dil, I hope they understand or at least see that as your prerogative. If they get angry, hopefully, they'll get past it in time and not throw away all those years of friendship. Please realize, however, that there's a chance they might pull away from you two for a little while - or longer. You have to do what you think is right (supporting dil), but, as I'm sure you know, sometimes that comes with a price.

Then again, they may be very glad that you two are supporting dil since they can't. I sincerely hope they either don't find out or understand if they do.

However, I'm not totally convinced that dil has no one else to turn to. Ime, people who say that are often saying it to more than one person. If she can keep in touch with and get support from you, she can keep in touch with and get support from her family. I realize that might be hard since he doesn't want her to. But if she has her own fb account, she can message them there (if any of them are on fb).

I realize that this poor young woman is experiencing emotional abuse (those text messages), no matter what the reason. And so, I don't blame you for staying in touch with her and being kind and supportive when you do. I just suspect that she's in touch with at least one or two other people who are supportive of her. Please don't feel as if you and Mr. S. are the only ones.

Also, I hope you never say anything against your friend's son when you speak to her, especially if it's in print (email or fb message, etc.). Saying, "I'm so sorry" when she shows you a nasty text is very different, imo, than saying, "He's so abusive!"

Actually, I hope this young woman can get some kind of counseling where she is to learn how to deal with the abuse and maybe get out of the situation.

Has she thought of just coming home to the UK? Would she be able to bring the kids with her if she did?

We are not the only one's trying to support her, her sense of isolation is being alone in a foreign country which has been intensified by seemingly being disconnected from her p's.i.l.

Her parents are of course dong what they can, one in the UK and the other abroad making a difficult situation even more complicated. So you see Luckylegs we are not the only ones doing what little we can.

Bluebell she's never wanted to bypass her in laws but m.i.l. ignoring her messages, f.i.l. 'de friending' her on FB and b.i.l. blocking her has made it impossible to have contact.

You said in an earlier post how our personal experiences can influence our behaviour and that's very true. We were on the receiving end of the silent treatment from friends of our ES, some who'd we'd known from childhood. A very upsetting experience that we wouldn't want anyone to go through.

After almost 6 years, some have recently been in contact, all be it casually. Now as parents and seeing the joy that their children have brought to their parents, their children's GP's, has perhaps made them see us being cut out of our son's and only GC's lives in a different light.

Doing what you believe is the right thing isn't always easy especially when you don't know how dear and old friends may respond Starlady. We can only hope that when the time comes, they will understand that our love and support for their d.i.l. never detracted from our love for them and their son.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and advice.