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Withholding Sex

(63 Posts)
rosecarmel Wed 17-Apr-19 10:18:48

It seems to be the consensus that when a woman withholds sex from her husband she is being manipulative - There couldn't possibly be another reason?

I call BS, but surely I could be mistaken -

What if a wife who had been emotionally manipulated for over a decade and verbally abused gradually reached a breaking point and no longer felt like having sex in that marriage dynamic anymore? Would her disinterest in having sex with him still be considered manipulative?

BradfordLass72 Wed 17-Apr-19 10:26:46

Lysistrata used it to end a war but if the woman has been as badly treated in her marriage as you indicate, then that is no longer a viable relationship anyway and she'd be well advised to get out of it.

I cannot see that withholding sex would be either possible long term or helpful for any other reason.

FarNorth Wed 17-Apr-19 10:32:03

Among whom is that the consensus?
'Withholding' clearly could be manipulative. Simply not wanting to have sex for whatever reason is not manipulative.
There needs to be consideration of each other, in a partnership or marriage.
In the situation described in the OP, clearly it is not a loving partnership.

Eglantine21 Wed 17-Apr-19 10:33:09

Withholding sex?

Either you want to do it or you don’t.
If someone is “withholding” sex, yes that’s manipulative.

Withholding anything -money, food, affection- to punish or get your own way, that’s by definition, manipulative.

Fennel Wed 17-Apr-19 10:50:36

rosecarmel are you thinking of that case a week or two ago where the judge said it was the husband's inalienable right to have sex with his wife?
I think the wife had some disability.

FarNorth Wed 17-Apr-19 11:06:02

Really fennel?
I thought that attitude went out decades ago. That is disgusting.
There is such a crime as rape in marriage, which is what it would be if a man insists on his 'right'.

rosecarmel Wed 17-Apr-19 11:16:28

Perhaps my use of the word withhold is confusing -- it confuses me, too - For whatever reason, withhold seem to suggest manipulation - As I see it, choosing not to have sex, is choosing not to have sex, whatever the reason -

Fennel, I'm not familiar with case -

FarNorth Wed 17-Apr-19 11:32:28

What has given rise to your starting this thread rosecarmel?
Among whom is that the consensus?

Lily65 Wed 17-Apr-19 11:34:42

mmm withholding sex/depression is a choice........interesting topics for conversation.

M0nica Wed 17-Apr-19 13:51:50

How does refusing sex differ from refusing to talk to someone, cook a meal or be in the house with.

It is merely a symptom of a dysfunctional relationship. Sort the dysfunction out and all other issues can usually be sorted. If the dysfunction cannot be sorted perhaps the solution is to end the relationship.

Day6 Wed 17-Apr-19 16:51:04

If you don't want sex with a person who is generally abusive, I'd say that is a perfectly natural response. Don't you have to fancy someone at least a bit to get turned on? It has to be an act that both partners want imo.

A woman can go off sex for all manner of reasons. If she doesn't want to indulge she shouldn't be made to feel guilty. It isn't 'withholding' sex - it's not wanting her body to be touched and she has that right, at all times, whether married or not.

Sex with your wife is not a man's right. You are either having sex or you're not.

If not wanting sex has become a problem, you probably ought to discuss why between you.

Davidhs Wed 17-Apr-19 17:51:46

Deliberately withholding sex to get your own way is the beginning of the end of a relationship.
Were not talking about illness or disability or having a row and not speaking to each other for a while, we’ve all had that, but putting a price on intimacy.
No sex unless I get a new car or TV or kitchen, that kind of manipulation is never OK, most women know the best way to get favour is to be more amorous not less.

rosecarmel Wed 17-Apr-19 18:46:12

Davidhs, you've turned intimacy into a reward system -- how many acts earns a cottage in the country? smile

Or, maybe, a castle ..


"the best way to get favour is to be more amorous"

MawBroonsback Wed 17-Apr-19 18:55:46

Where is this thread (meant to be) leading? confused

FarNorth Wed 17-Apr-19 19:14:03

Deliberately offering sex in order to get a favour is manipulative behaviour.

rosecarmel Wed 17-Apr-19 19:18:52

I agree with Day6 completely-

I've a close relationship with the wife in the OP-
If sex worked on a reward system she'd have a private island by this time -- but they (as a couple) haven't a pot to piss in due to the unhealthy dynamic of their relationship-

She's reached her limit, is examining the impact her enabling has had on their marriage but is also being expected by her husband to shoulder his manipulative personality as well -- as in "fix him"-

She is exhausted - The very idea of having sex turns her off - Which is why I cannot view her disinterest as manipulative, even if her "wanting" a healthy marriage is in part why she is turned off -- as in because she doesn't have that-

At the same time she's afraid of losing him- And given his narcissistic personality she knows losing him is likely-

MawBroonsback Wed 17-Apr-19 19:31:49

I still don’t get your point.

Lily65 Wed 17-Apr-19 19:34:51

OK, most women know the best way to get favour is to be more amorous not less

Cool, a 21st century metro sexual is amongst us

rosecarmel Wed 17-Apr-19 19:38:38

Mawbroon, I think I was making an effort to see if there is any distinction between withholding sex and disinterest in sex - Both result in no sex- smile

It's always good to elicit and consider different opinions -- either when one isn't sure or certain one's view is correct ..

MawBroonsback Wed 17-Apr-19 19:54:48

There is clearly a difference in “denying” sex as opposed to just literally not being bothered. PS “disinterested” does not mean “uninterested”.
I am just puzzled by what lies behind your question.
I also don’t understand I call BS but surely I could be mistaken

Davidhs Wed 17-Apr-19 20:04:29

“Deliberately offering sex in order to get a favour is manipulative behaviour.“

Of course it is but in the nicest possible way that’s one of the ways that women manipulate men, the other ways include food and companionship.

rosecarmel Wed 17-Apr-19 20:17:50

David .. I cannot respond kindly!

rosecarmel Wed 17-Apr-19 20:24:52

Mawbroom, I don't know what lies behind my question- You're one step ahead of me if you're puzzled by what lies behind it! Can you sort of kind of describe what's puzzling you? Perhaps collectively as a group we can bring whatever it is into view?

Urmstongran Wed 17-Apr-19 20:55:03

I’m with you on this one Maw

MawBroonsback Wed 17-Apr-19 20:56:09

What did you hope to achieve by opening a discussion in this way?
If you don’t know why you started the thread, how on earth can anybody else?
And are you happy to explain the phrase I still don’t get
I call BS but surely I could be mistaken
Who or what is “BS”