not allowed to see grand daughter

but at the same time not very confident she has needed alot of support and encouragement to get her where she is today from the whole family

on a positive note well hopefully
i pushed my luck last night
i messaged a friend of my daughters
right or wrong of me i did
just a happy chat
i did ask how daughter , grand daughter was
and they fine
i threw in i do miss her
and i got the reply
hopefullys you can make amends soon
i think she read the email
i think her friend did too
as they are my words in the email
hopefully we can make amends
i maybe reading too much into it
but young girls dont normally use that turn of phrase
so still in hope

but i do get confused at least 3 times a week
as when i finish work i might do a bit of shopping
i see my my daughters bf at least 3 times a week
and its like we are complete strangers
he doesnt give me a second look
theres no body language
no malice
no look at me
nothing
i dont approach as last time i had contact with him was the day i was thrown out of my daughters house ( he isnt on the rent book)
the last words he said me
you have no need to be here
you are not wanted or needed
cant my head round that one

That's hurtful to say you're not wanted or needed. But he isn't blood..you don't need his throwaway remarks. Keep atrong, he's nothing to you..and it shows he doesn't understand your close bond with your GD. Ignore him and his ignorant comments.

Perhaps more to this than meets the eye?

Still have a niggle about some sort of coercive control.

i hope not phoenix

Coercive control is a sign of extreme insecurity

is it i dont really know about these things they have so many different names for so many different things these days
whose extreme insecurity ?

Joyfulnanna - Coercive control is a sign of extreme insecurity.
Would that be the person trying to control another?
Or the person being controlled.
I can see that from both sides.

yes im confused

He is insecure in his relationship with your dd. Maybe he's punching above his weight

ah i see never thought of it that way tbh
he just sort of made himself at home after the first meeting
gradually moved things in
she complained alot she needed space and was forever telling me
he doesnt listen
moved his dog in
it wasnt on the books so to speak
she worked
the bills her responsibility
he had a home just never went there
she lost one of her jobs
eventually he moved in on the books
funny enough the day the first rent payment was due to go out of his bank was the day he threw me out
i did question him by saying u cant just throw me out
the reply was i provide
my daughter just cried
its was like the last 27 yrs just disregarded
gone

Give her time, nannytracey, she is torn between your relationship with her and her relationship with her partner. Being a single parent is a lonely job and she probably sees the chance of being happy. We might realise that it is almost impossible to be happy with a control freak but she is still hoping that he'll be Prince Charming. It is more common than you think but be patient and I am sure you will be the one who is helping her pick up the pieces when it has all blown up in her face.
Years ago, I fell out with a family member when she fell for someone much younger than her who was obviously using her to get a British Passport and I also had suspicions about his boundaries with children. It came between us in a way I couldn't believe and, if I am honest, I couldn't understand why she couldn't see it but she was vulnerable as a lonely, single mother. I can remember my very sensible 16 year old daughter saying to me to keep my mouth shut and just to be there when it all went wrong. It took about 2 years but it all went to hell in a hand basket eventually and there were a lot of pieces to pick up to put her back together. I desperately wanted to say, "I told you," but she needed more support than that.

Glad you appreciate my points, ican and Joyful!

Tracey, I'm so sorry ydd was ill and hope she's much better now. How beautiful that her sisters rallied to help her that way!

I'm glad you sent that Easter card to gd, and I hope ydd didn't hide it from her. Ydd may be annoyed, but, as I said earlier, if it will reassure gd you're still in her life, that's a good thing. And yes, I know she knows you love her, regardless.

"...hopefullys you can make amends soon."

That might just be the friend trying to be kind or encouraging, but it might mean something. If you had the opportunity to make amends, do you have any idea of what you would do/say?

"the last words he said me you have no need to be here
you are not wanted or needed"

Ouch! But those words were said in the heat of anger. Maybe they express what he really feels, but maybe it's just the kind of thing he says when he's mad (not a good trait, of course, if that's so).

"i see my my daughters bf at least 3 times a week
and its like we are complete strangers."

He might be embarrassed about how he acted the last time. Or (sigh) he might simply not want anything to do with you. Hopefully, though, things will improve between you and ydd, and you'll be able to have a relationship with her and gd sans bf.

Imo, there are a lot of red flags in ydd's relationship with bf. But as others have said, she'll have to realize that on her own. Just please be there for her if/when she does.

Excellent post, icanhandthemback!

make amends
what to say
pretty much along the lines of
we cant argue thats what got us here
and possibly sort the whole mess out
but then in reality we didnt argue
my daughter agreed with the bf
i respect that
i dont live that life
i want all my kids to be settled ,happy safe and secure
us mums wont be around forever
i still see gd
she spoke to her siblings
then family occasions came up w have had 4 in 5 months
2 bdays, mums day easter
i sibling bday. 1 grandson bday
as the whole family work school we dont get together all together very much
so on such occasions its special
no bday wishes no text no cards
my grandson was 6, as my grandkids range from 1 yrs to 12yrs
he was so upset where was his aunty where was grand daughter not even a message wishing him happy bday
so most of my communication to my daughter was about the knock on affect this situation made
and how horrible it was for everyone
starlady yes she had to stay in hospital for a few days but fine now
i do hope to god that it is just something thats got out of hand
and nothing more sinister
and of course when we are needed we are always there no matter what
she knows that

the real crunch of no more access was the last time i see my gd
when she told me she was unhappy
which was 3 months ago
and therapy at school involved
previous to that before i got thrown out
and i looked after her alot
most w ends she would say
all they do is shout at me
bearing in mind she is rebeling as life has changed
so i would say
you have to be good
i would talk to her mum they would resolve it
this went on for weeks
little niggles
my daughter decided the grand daughter would be reprimanded by both but they would take turns as that way gd wouldnt feel picked on
as i said i picked a bad day
i had a day off went shopping
text daughter
fancy putting kettle on
im having a nice chilled day off
yeah she not busy
then i witnessed it was bf turn to reprimand
as i said i tried to defuse
if he can reprimand in front of me the way he did
god knows whats its like when im not there
no violence just down right nasty
thank god for therapy and school involvement
everyone has there own way
i beleive in positive ways
as two negatives never make a positive
i also believe there are boundaries u need to love a child before you can reprimand
mayb im just old fashioned
i totally blame myself
as if i hadnt have had that day off and gone in for a cuppa i probably wouldnt be here now
but in my defence i wasnt aware the rules had changed
it was just like any other day to me

notanan mentioned that i didnt sound like nan i sounded like a parent
and in alot of respects thats true
as icanhandthemback said being a single mum is lonely hard work
and my daughter asked for help
so daughter would pick her daughter up on naughty behaviour and then moan at me about it
so i would explain to grand daughter why thats not good why she shouldnt be naughty
as my daughter said frequently gd doesnt listen
and it worked for all her little life it worked
thats how they learn
thats the way i see it

my other kids are forever ringing me and moaning about their kids especially the older ones
saying will you have a word
thats what we do
nans seem to have more pull for some reason
the grandkids listen lol

and they have husbands , partners , they are not single mums

Nannytracy, what exactly happened when you tried to diffuse the situation? How wss BF disciplining GD and what did you do? Did you and daughter get into an argument when you interfered with the discipline? Maybe you can explain what transpired in a little more detail so I can get a better idea of what led to this estrangement.

i just said like hey calm down like theres no need for that
he replied i think you should leave
i asked why should i leave surely you cant tell me to leave
he told me he was the provider and i should leave
then when i got to the front door i was told that i have no need to there
i am not wanted nor needed
and i left

I have found that often my kids complain about each other's omissions but it can soon turn into a hornet's nest if I try to build bridges between the two of them. You find your good intentions soon get twisted and you alienate someone. It's probably best to let the parents deal with the upset of their child rather than you trying to get your daughter to see the error of their ways.
I can remember my daughter being really upset when her brother forgot her child's Birthday and he was dismissive of her feelings. I did try to talk to him but it just caused upset so I left it with a, "When you have your own children, you'll understand what I mean." He does now!

reason for discipline she was pratting and she trod on his toe he sargeant majored her shouting up to her room
she was in her room when he asked me to leave