Should we be offended

Sorry for,spelling lol

Anyone inviting guests to an event (including weddings) has a responsibility to treat them with respect and cater for their needs. It seems that brides become so obsessed with arranging their perfect day that they totally forget their manners.

So trivial to be concerned about these details.

Just pointing out that just as it is your right to invite all your children to your celebrations, irrespective of how they have behaved in the past, it is your son and dil’s right to invite who they choose to their celebrations. Perhaps your son finds it harder to forgive and forget his sister’s behaviour, he isn’t her parent after all.
As for the christening all those years ago, you do realise your sister-in-laws were the baby’s great aunts? It’s not startling that the default spare arms would be more familiar, closer family.
As for DIL wanting your son not to shout at his son, I’m wondering if you have a very different family culture from your DIL and it’s rather more chaotic? With shouting etc. That could be a bit off-putting if you are not used to it.
Requesting your husband lose weight however, is beyond rude and unpleasant.
It all sounds a bit Channel 5. Nobody comes out if it very well.

“I realize its not nice for a child to be bellowed at but my son has calmed that down.“
- maybe you have reason to be happy your son chose DIL as his wife and mother of your dgc?

“The first daughter upset the family years ago but its all in the past to ,me but not my sons so me and hubby are upset by this every celebration”
So it’s not just DIL, it’s your son, and your other sons. It is to your credit as a mother that you have forgiven your daughter and have supported her. However it is often harder for siblings.
My late brother had substance abuse issues and associated mental health problems that meant he could be incredibly intimidating and difficult. My mum was always trying to increase his contact with my children at his insistence, but having experienced his erratic and unsafe behaviour first hand, him having time alone with them was my hill to die on. When my eldest was older she herself used to plead with me not to “let Grandma leave me with X” - turns out mum had started not telling me my brother was coming over when my daughter was with her, and leaving them alone, despite promising that would never happen.
Mum was always saying “he’s better now” only to be relaying the next disaster within days or weeks.
Your DIL is having one of your daughter’s as her bridesmaid! That’s traditionally a very close friend or family member, so it’s clearly not a “her family” v “your family” thing. You seem to be very competitive about this.
Invite all your children to your own celebrations, that’s your prerogative, but let your children make their own choices.

What a cheek? No-one should ever tell someone else what to do, no matter what. Let him go to the wedding as he wishes.

So deeply sorry about DH's health issues, Lilylavendar. IMO, everyone should just be happy he can go to the wedding, and nothing else should matter.

I understand FDIL's concern about the dentures though. It may not just be about the photos, she might find it embarrassing to have a family member come toothless to the wedding. Petty, perhaps, but that may be how she feels. I'm glad he has decided to try to get used to them. In time, it will be to his own benefit.

It sounds as if her approach was insensitive, however, especially about the weight issue. But since the men are being measured soon, IMO, it will become a moot point.

As for your uninvited DD, I am so very sorry. I know it must be hard for you, as her mum, to see her left out. How torn you must be between the desire to attend DS' wedding as well as your appreciation of your other DD's being chosen as a bridesmaid and that one DD being pushed away. However, the guest list is DS and DIL's business, just as how DH handles his weight is his business. As hard as it may be, I think you need to accept their decision about their guest list and not expect them to invite all the siblings, just b/c you and DH do.

Perhaps you can enjoy a special day w/ the uninvited DD sometime soon, just you and her, or you, DH and her. Beyond that, I hope the wedding is beautiful and that everyone has a good time.

P.S. If there are still issues between that one DD and your DSs, maybe she wouldn't really want to attend the wedding, anyhow.