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Divorce questions

(31 Posts)
Tooyoungytobeagrandma Sat 10-Aug-19 11:39:35

Hi, I have beem married for nearly 40years. The last few years have been difficult and although we go through the motions of living day to day I am not happy and I dont think he is. My husband retired and things have got worse. I know it is my fault as I resent the fact he no longer has to work and has a fabulous pension while I am still working and have only my state pension which I have to wait a further 5 years gor (thanks government) to look forward to. We have a home abroad and go a few times a year, I usually pay for flights, but we still just live same life there albeit it in a beautiful place. Anyway, after yet another, argument that came from nowhere, I have decided to see a divorce solicitor as I do not want to spend the rest of my life with this man. I wanted to ask any of you who have taken this step late in life (60's) what are the best questions to ask during my first free appointment? I have no money apart from my income and my share of our house and holiday home, which in last argument he told me I was entitled to nothing. It started because I didnt hear what he said so asked him to repeat, he got funny and belittling, I raised my voice and was accused yet again of "always bloody arguing". Im afraid of starting again, and as said have no money, but have decided I dont want to stay with this man and no way would I want to care for him if needed as we get older (hes proved he wouldnt care for me). Although I worry about the children they are both settled and once I know what Im doing I will tell them. Sorry for rambling but now I've finally decided to see someone it is quite daunting. TIA

Luckygirl Sat 10-Aug-19 11:48:15

I am sorry to hear that you are in this sad situation - it makes sense for you to strike out on your own and find some happiness.

The financial situation is I think a reflection of your marriage - the fact that he is sitting pretty with a large pension and you are struggling indicates that this has stopped being a proper partnership where money and assets are shared to the benefit of both. We had a joint account from day one and all money coming in is regarded as ours, and not belonging to any one individual.

Perhaps make a list of the things that are most important to sort out when you see the solicitor - it is always hard when you come out and think you wish you had asked something that you overlooked. The most important thing is that your joint assets (and they ARE joint) should be shared equally; and that any financial support that he should be giving to you is clarified.

I wish you lots of luck with this new phase of your life - stay strong.

Tangerine Sat 10-Aug-19 11:54:20

Perhaps see Citizens Advice. I do not think he is right to say you're entitled to nothing, particularly after a long marriage.

I suspect you're entitled to half his pension but am not quite sure about this.

Perhaps when he hears how serious you are, he may agree to change a few things. Maybe I'm living in cloud cuckoo land.

I hope things go well for you in the end, one way or another.

RosieLeah Sat 10-Aug-19 11:54:55

From what you say, it sounds as though you have been living separate lives for some time. As a married couple, your incomes should be pooled. The wife's income should be regarded as 'extra'....I suppose many would regard that as old-fashioned, but it's a husband's duty to take care of his wife.

I'm afraid if you divorce, all assets will be lumped together and then split between you. At least, that's what happened to me.

When you first consult a solicitor, you will need to decide what grounds you are going to plead as the reason for divorce.

Gran2028 Sat 10-Aug-19 12:37:15

Don't waste time and energy wondering.. see a solicitor for information and advice and then deal with the facts..
You will not be penniless... life will be scary and different.. and then it will be better...and you will be free.
Yes you come home to an empty house/flat whatever.. but it will be your space... and you can build the life you want for yourself.
You deserve peace of mindand civility.
So many women stay with these bullies simply through fear of the unknown...
Knowledge is power... be brave... and do it for YOU..

NanaandGrampy Sat 10-Aug-19 12:41:37

I think he's living in cloud cuckoo land Tooyoung.

Your lengthy marriage entitles you to half of everything , that includes, pensions, properties and insurance policies. Everything has a value , goes into the pot and is then divided as I understand it.

That means he may get to keep all his pension but you might get a larger share of the house. He is incorrect in saying you would get nothing from the properties, whether you actually pay the mortgage or not I think if you show you have 'contributed' maybe to upkeep, redecoration etc then you are entitled to a share

I suggest making a list of all your questions and going through them with your solicitor , then coming away and doing your sums. Getting your plans in order prior to telling your husband or anyone else.

EllanVannin Sat 10-Aug-19 12:47:02

Are both names on the properties ?

Liz46 Sat 10-Aug-19 12:47:20

Do you have a friend who could go to the solicitor with you? When my daughter went to a divorce solicitor she asked me to go with her. I just sat out of the way, didn't say anything but made notes of everything that was said and gave her the notes afterwards.

By the way, I got a divorce without using a solicitor but it was agreed that it was a 50/50 split.

Minniemoo Sat 10-Aug-19 12:51:23

All divorced women that I know have all ended up quite comfortably. With half of the man's pension. Get to a solicitor who will quickly outline what you're entitled to and good luck! You deserve some happy times.

stella1949 Sat 10-Aug-19 13:21:48

The courts usually pool everything including his pension and your homes, and the split is about 50-50 . Your husband is living in fantasy land if he thinks he can keep his entire pension ! See a solicitor and get things moving.

Daisymae Sat 10-Aug-19 13:28:22

Yes, it's should be 50:50 but you do need legal advice. I think your husband is in for a surprise.

FlexibleFriend Sat 10-Aug-19 13:47:21

Everything starts on a 50/50 basis and a few adjustments can be made but basically you'll be entitled to half his pension and half the jointly owned properties. He's living in la la land if he believes otherwise.

BlueBelle Sat 10-Aug-19 14:20:20

As your husband is financially stable you should get half and half, but not all divorced women do minniemoo my first husband left the country without me or the children getting a penny
Second one who I lived happily with for eight years, after six he so wanted to get married, against my better judgement as I thought we were ok as we were, after two years of marriage and having moved into my deceased Nans home (she left half to me half to my mum and I was buying mums half) he told me he was having an affair and leaving The solicitor told me he was entitled to half my Nans house as he had resided in it after we were married, however he agreed if I took over his debts which were considerable less than half the house he would forego the property so twice I divorced with not a penny
I wish you good luck tooyoung I would say CAB first if you are not too well off don’t stay in a loveless marriage

TwiceAsNice Sat 10-Aug-19 15:35:24

Technically you are entitled to half the house/assets and each is entitled to half the others pensions. However that’s if husband cooperates . My ex didn’t turn up at court, fought me over every little thing, and proceedings cost me a fortune in solicitors fees. In the end I said I would take a lump sum, he bought me out of the house and I forgo pensions share just to get rid of him.

I’m convinced he had money squirrelled away which he denied, he probably lied to the court about several things ; but you have to prove it) and generally I had a bad deal.

However the fact I’m on my own and happy after dealing with it all , is priceless!

sodapop Sat 10-Aug-19 17:27:24

Yes that's right Twiceasnice my ex denied he had savings as well and the onus was on me to prove differently. Not very fair. That was some years ago though, I don't know if the law has changed at all.

Cherrytree59 Sat 10-Aug-19 17:38:17

If you both wish an amicable divorce, check out The CO-OP divorce web site.
Came out in 2018.

However if you wish to make a claim on his pension etc then it may be worth looking locally for a solicitor (Divorce) which offers an initial free or fixed fee interview.

Good luck shamrock

Davidhs Sat 10-Aug-19 18:00:44

Apart from a share of the houses and you should get a share of his pension too, so get ready for a very great change in the way you live
But beware, try to make it an amicable separation because a fiercely contested divorce will cost a great deal in court fees. As there is property abroad, be aware if he chooses to go and live abroad getting the cash may not be easy, in theory it is but in practice can be very difficult.

WOODMOUSE49 Sat 10-Aug-19 18:21:12

Download this: www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/sorting-out-your-finances-when-you-get-divorced#introduction

Excellent survival guide to divorce. A lot won't be relevant to you (young family) but will hopefully give you the questions or what facts to get ready for when you see the solicitor.

Jump to page 20 - assets.
Towards the end there are lots of examples/situations.

You'll get there.

Keeper1 Sat 10-Aug-19 19:25:20

Hello, all I can tell you do not use your solicitor as a counsellor they charge for every second of their time. Getting advice from CB is a good idea and write down everything you need to know. Make sure you know about all bank, savings accounts etc forewarned is for armed. My ex hid a lot of money and due to a very biased judge accepted that the account once we had found out about it was for emergency utility payments and never enquired how much was in the account. You need to have all outgoings and incomings, you will be asked on what grounds you are divorcing. Once you have your decree nisei do not go for absolute until the finances are agreed. Good luck

bikergran Sat 10-Aug-19 19:33:38

Also I have been reading (in case dd ever gets divorced) is what they call a Clean Break it is worth reading up on it, it means neither parties can claim any money from the other after the divorce.

If one of you wind the lottery! hmm the other cannot claim any of it.

Have a google its worth reading.

Chloejo Sun 11-Aug-19 10:37:20

This could be me after 40 years we are splitting. just going through it all now sold house split money without a solicitor. It’s scary the future for me but I will have peace away from arguments and misery I’m so unhappy and yes I too am in my 60s and have to wait nearly 3 years for my pension. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life living with him and like u I never want to care for him in his old age. It will be great to be free from the arguments. Your entitled to half of pension and house I’m living frugal on my savings and moving soon but life will be better in a different way when I and u will too have peace in life. After so long it’s a scary future but the alternative is a life of misery and living old age with regret I wish u every luck for the future

withany Sun 11-Aug-19 20:24:40

Hi, my husband decided after 45 years of what I thought was a happy marriage, to leave me for a woman he had met online who lives in America. He cleared our savings account and left me with £489. Some of you may remember me you were all so helpful, I was stunned and heartbroken.
Since you have a property abroad, it might be worth asking if you can stop your husband going there until after the divorce is through. make sure you have the name of his pension company, and policy/account number. I think he will get a rude awakening.
I can't imagine what it will be like still living in the same house, I hope things go well for you good luck.

Tooyoungytobeagrandma Mon 12-Aug-19 00:06:52

Thank you for your replies. Beford we had children I was thd biggest earner and destined to climb further up the ladder. When we hsd our girst chikd I went back to work fairly quickly and paid nursery fees ad we needed the extra money. As time went on I could not sustain my job, caring for our chikd and running a home so stepped down and took a part time role couple grades lower. I got made redundant a year later! Got another job 2 days later but back full time and managed for couple years. Eventually went part time when srcond child came along meanwhile still juggling childcare and running house (cooking/cleaning etc). Because I was still working oh was able to add to his pension hence nice sum and early retirement at 60. I have struggled to pay to run my car etc but managed. If we go away i osy for flights and do food shopping he pays s for meals out. I am quite a strong person and have held responsible senior positions but over ladt few years feel useless, grumpy and uncared for. I know he has "hidden" money and has several accounts. I can access one as it still has my name on it ad was our original joint account. Im not sure where the others are and he shreds any letters/paperwork. My name us on all properties and as much as I love our house I now would be happy for him to buy me out and think there may be enough to buy a small property. If I thought he would accept a 50/50split things would be easier buf I know he will get nasty and it is going to end up costing money I dont have. If I took out all thd things I have bought he would be left with a house a couple pieces of furniture and a garage full of tools/bikes. He sees no worth in what I have provided just says that he paid the mortgage and the bills. I have been given the name if a string divorce solicitor and am going to make an appointment I just want to make sure I ask the right questions to get the most benefit from first meeting. I have not told my children because I know one of them would tell him just to "be fair" (same child let slip he had opened savings accounts in joint names with them and siblinghmm). Im not scared about living alone, I have animals, and I have work its the sorting everything out and the living in same house once he knows that scares me. sad

Tooyoungytobeagrandma Mon 12-Aug-19 00:09:27

Apologies for dreadful typos am tired and eyes ache and my fingers are too fat blush

absent Mon 12-Aug-19 07:31:27

I am sorry to hear how wretched your life has become and hope that you find some real joy in the future. A good solicitor will ask you questions about your situation, what you want in the future, etc. It's not entirely down to you to "ask the right questions", except, perhaps, how to get out of this marriage with some substantial – and deserved – financial support. Good luck – I hope you can kick up your heels and dance for the rest of your life.