Daughters cold house at Christmas

Those new little heaters from JML (approx £20) that you just plug into a socket are very good for the size- i use one in hallway to help warm up my unheated downstairs loo(i leave door open a bit to let heat in)works a treat. they're about 8" by 4" and they can be popped in the boot along with your thermals,electric blanket etc.and yes you can always leave her a £20 note when you leave for extra electricity.

Complicated. Say you'd like to get together at Christmas time and how about all going to XYZ for - meal - concert whatever. If no - say we'll pop in on X date for a quick catch up and coffee. If any problem with this just say 'Sorry but we are not able to cope with the cold the way we once were'. End of. Don't argue, don't feel guilty. She is being very unfair to you. (Having a cold house is a sure fire way of not having to put up with anyone for long... might not be just chance).

My late mum would not have central heating.there was some in a lovely new flat she got but she refused to have the gas turned on she said she wouldnt be able to pay both a gas bill and electric bill.(i was'nt in a position to help her financially then) she only had a 2 bar electric fire,a small electric cooker&small fridge & a tv, so smaller electric bill.the 2nd winter there she got bronchitis.she was coughing so badly it brought on a sudden heart attack.she was alone in middle of a freezing night.she died,aged only 69.she hadn't any other medical problems or anything wrong other than the bronchitis.But dr said lack of heating did not help.i wish I'd insisted she at least had gas turned on so could have used it when she really needed it.i still regret this.

If your daughter wont move to live nearer you,could you move nearer her,to support her better?but just for christmas,surely theres a small budget hotel nearby just on outskirts of the 'expensive' area? Theres cheap budget ones allover,and booking so far in advance brings price right down,or sign up to their websites for discount codes?or can her brother not help or put you up for just one night it sounds all 'do-able',plus xmas dinner can be bought nicely but cheaply at such as Aldi,Lidl,etc. I would look at all these options..maybe your daughter isn't the only one stubborn?

Oh Nannan2 what a sad story ?

My brother is like this her has Asperger and will not put the central heating preferring to us an electric heater. He even washes in cold water doesn’t matter what I say it is his way or no way so I just let him get on with it and when he complains about the cold once again suggest putting the heating on. He says no point he is only in one room?? I have also begged him to look into getting a transfer near to me and all he says is well I will have to one day only then it will be a frantic job to organise. What can you do

I think you’ve taken a lot of criticism on this post, BarmeyOldBat. I think your sister is being difficult - particularly as the ‘professionals’ have tried to persuade her to put the heating on. I have no suggestions for you, but I don’t think your Christmas Day should be ruined .

Sorry, I typed ‘sister’ instead of daughter.

If you know it will be cold - then pack hot water bottles, extra sweaters etc. I spend Christmas at my brother's v cold house - I wear more layers than I would ever do at home, and survive that way. I would not feel it was acceptable to up thermostat level. No doubt she has her reasons for keeping the house cold.

Maybe your dd would be more open to visit her at her place if you did not try to convince her to change the temperature of her home?

It is always difficult to understand how someone else wants to live their lives. My late father died 200 miles away, and although I visited often, his flat was freezing (he had enough money, plus savings, to pay the bills !) I used to turn on the heating whilst I was staying there …….he said he wasn't cold, but the medical profession says this can be true as sometimes people with medical conditions do not seem to feel as cold as we do ….Me, so far I don't feel the cold either but I do put the heating on, have hot meals and an electric blanket for winter, warm drinks etc …..have you (hard as it is) discussed what could happen if she goes into hypothermia when she is alone …...and if she is able to, discuss what she wants as her funeral arrangements ….that might get her thinking ! (not macabre, we all should have these discussions, healthy, well, or not !) Best of luck. Oh yes, my brother also died last year in a freezing cold house ...again, he had a lot (and I do mean a lot) of savings, shares, etc etc so there was NO need for the house to be cold ...he was found alone in bed by the Police following a call from his friend who could not get an answer (I lived in another country, and he did not often call me ...always said he was too busy ! bless him) ….another consequence of the cold he died of pneumonia (never kept his hospital appointments despite me nagging him !) Good luck

I am sick to death of the criticism I am getting on this post so I will signing off after this. Do you think I am so stupid that I don't go dressed for the cold, armed with hotter bottles etc? Just to clear the air.

1. We visit, usually when she wants and only stay about 2 hours at the most unless she wants me to cut and do her hair.
2. I don't want to stay in a hotel for Christmas, the cost would nearly pay for a more relaxing holiday. some abroad.
3. I have no intention of moving to the middle of no-where, a long way from my friends and my life I have here.
4. EVERYONE, Dr, Health Visitors, Carers, Social Workers etc have asked her to have some heating on in the winter.

Finally I started this thread to ask about Christmas Day not to be told by people how unreasonable I am.

So thanks to those who gave me constructed advice and support. The rest, well......

It's not kind and/or helpful at all here at the moment.

There are some lovely, thoughtful posters and then there are those with absolutely no empathy and those who don't read the starting information.

Thanks Alanav for the advice. I have been thinking funeral arrangements as both myself and son have made arrangements. So it will be easy to talk to her about a pre paid funeral plan, will also take some of her savings down.

Nanna2 Thanks for the bit about GC with CP, it explains a lot.
Grapefruit thanks also for your comments.

Op,

If you are sick of the criticism received on this board, this very well could be how your dd feels about you.

She is no longer a child. She lives independently. She is very much aware that she is recommended to turn on the heat. She chooses not to. Is it wise? I don't think so but there is nothing you can do.
Going around her house turning on heaters, thinking of installing central heating, is very disrespectful.

If you truly care about your dd and want to have a relationship with her, back off. Let her freeze. Maybe if she does not feel judged, she will not get a payoff and she will turn it on. Maybe she likes it cold as she runs hot.

It is not in your hands.

some of these comments are quite barbed. that's not fair.
it must be a great worry to know someone you love and care about is poss endangering their health and wellbeing.
it's easy to stand back if you don't care; but life is complicated and family relationships are often complicated. it's not black and white. people are not robots.

I wonder if something relating to the cat might reach her.
in America animal welfare charities work with social workers/ mental health re cases of hoarding which often involve animals. so they do a joint approach. with hoarding some people can only be persuaded to accept help if they are convinced that the animals' are suffering. sometimes they have to threaten removal of animals to get some response.
now I'm not suggesting that here. but maybe the pdsa/ rspca could help by explaining the needs of the cat. don't know how you bring the parties together. does the cat need any jabs/check-ups. maybe it's an angle that could be explored.
good luck. I think most sensible humane people sympathise with your predicament and wish you n yours well.

Although you say she has learning difficulties, presumably she knows what she likes and dislikes and what she wants and doesn't want. It's important that she is able to form her own opinions and make her own choices.

From what you say, she is quite satisfied to stay on her own at Christmas. Some people just don't seem to feel the cold while others are very susceptible to it. It's quite difficult to accommodate both types of person.

If you are really upset about leaving her on her own, book a hotel nearby or, as someone else said, take hot water bottles, rugs and woolly clothes to keep warm.

Hello.
I think that Christmas Day is sorted now.

Hithere, Money on your education has been wasted. as you have failed to read my post properly and all my comments. My daughter lives an independent life with a great deal of support from various people and I have been encouraged to be in this group. Would you say the same thing to a Health Visitor or a Social Worker, I think not. I am not talking about it being oiling hot, just a bit hotter than 9 degrees, which it was last year. Carers have to go in and its also not fair on them, they within their rights not to but do wearing coats and hats. This year we ALL want it to be different for her.

Leave her to freeze and she will still turn it on, what a stupid statement. One of the signs of hypothermia is confusion and so wouldn't be able to turn on the oiler or even think about it.
Also pretty hard to turn it on if you are dead. All I can I am so happy you aren't my family with your uncaring, stupid ways.
AND in fact I have a very good relationship with my daughter, do you?

BarmetyoldBat I think many people on here have sympathised with your dilemma but, to be fair, you did ask for people's comments and advice. Some posters have been a little more forthright than others but I don't think anyone intended to be unkind.

All the suggestions made - more clothing, staying overnight in a hotel, etc, etc, have not been to your liking. A hotel, you say, would be too expensive but you then say you'd rather spend the money on going abroad. I am sure the cost of one night in a small hotel or B&B would in no way equate to the cost of an overseas holiday.

Your angry responses to people's suggestions puzzle me. I can't imagine what other sort of advice people could give. Most of it was reassuring in that it stated that your daughter seemed quite happy to be on her own, and that is surely the main point isn't it?

I'm horrified at the idea of turning on her heating while she's distracted by something else, and at the suggestions to take heaters on your visit (which will use her electricity).

How would you, and those making the suggestions, like it if visitors to your homes did similar?

Eloethan, thanks for our advice, I do take everything with me and I certainly dress for warmth. She simply won't let us plug in any heating, believe me we have tried. I can do the journey there and back in a day so staying in a hotel is no problem.

As I said Christmas Lunch is now longer a problem, its a Community Lunch or at home on her own. In the past arrangements with deposits paid and everything have been made for various family events. We are a small family, and nothing over the top only for her to be full of yes , yes I want to go and then change her mind a few days before.

As for advice, yes there ha been some very good advice and I have acknowledged this and said thank you but on the same score one was completely out of order and if I might say so, stupid. The angry repossess at times are because people just keep saying the same thing over and over again, despite the fact they have been told its been tried, many times.
All I wanted from GN was advice on Lunch and that has now been sorted . As for how much do I want to see her, well I would like to visit one a month, but it doesn't work that way. Yesterday she asked if I could come and help her and be with her when the man turns up to do the garden as she doesn't know hi. Yes of course I will, wouldn't you?

So Ij make no apologies for my last angry outburst

Must go before the traffic gets to bad.

I personally understand completely your frustration. Only a parent with a child with additional needs can truly understand your concerns and worries.Its a completely different ball game to having a NT child ,you will always have to support making informed decisions on their behalf
You know what your limitations are and what you would or should best do.
All I can do is hold your hand and hope that you remain in good health to continue to support your loved one.

I am really shocked by some of the unfeeling comments on here!
How would you feel if this was your own DD?!
Robust comments on the politics pages, fine, but not on a thread asking for fair and supportive advice.

Barmeyoldbat I have no answers, but I wish both you and your daughter well. No matter how old our AC are we never cease worrying about them.