Step-daughters taking my DH out without me

Mary,
I have thought about your situation a lot this morning. At first I thought it was a bit rude of them to choose this particular day to want to spend time with their father but now I think I feel rather differently.

I think you should spend some time with your sons (after all you aren't your husband's mother!) and enjoy remembering some of your happy times that were special to your little family.
Meanwhile, your husband's daughters can enjoy remembering their mother, they can talk openly and freely about her to your husband (without any of them perhaps feeling disloyal to you).

Whilst it may feel to you that they can talk about her in front of you, not everyone will feel like that. My mother-in-law for example has only recently started talking openly and often about my husband's father (who died when my husband was a boy). She had been waiting till after her second husband died. She had remarried, and told me recently it felt disloyal to talk about her first husband "more than was necessary". My husband therefore hardly got to speak about his father for years which was quite a sadness - but if his mother had died before his stepfather he would never have had the conversations he can have now.

Please try to be pleased that once or twice a year your husband and his daughters get to spend this time together. It is a great gift you are giving them. You are not in competition with their mother, you are generously acknowledging the happy times they had "before you".

So why is this happening now? Maybe because they are roughly the age she died? Maybe because as adults we are more curious about our history and families, maybe because they know your husband is getting older and they feel the need to cement memories and understand more deeply about their mother. At 16 and 19 they would have had a very different understanding of their mother than they will do as grown women (maybe with family of their own?).
Maybe they are using the modern phrase "to make memories" instead of saying "to spend time remembering" out of respect for you.

Whatever the reason, let it go. You are fortunate in that you have enjoyed your marriage for many years and as others have said, you have their father to yourself most days. They have no mother to celebrate on Mothering Sunday and that is a loss that all of us without a mother can understand. I wonder what your stepdaughter have done on Mothering Sundays past?

I do hope you have a lovely day with one or both of your sons and I'm sure you will have many other happy days with your family (extended or otherwise) as the years go by.

Please don't be sad about this. I hope you have a memorable and happy day. ?

Sorry, I spent so long writing this I seem to have re-posted.
Apologies everyone.

*X-posted

Maybe they think that if they spend all day talking about their mother, you would be upset?
They could be sparing you that.
On their day out their talking could range from how their parents met , where they went on dates, down to what illnesses their mother had and how it might affect them, again I don’t think that you would want you listen to his (possibly very fond ) memories.

I think you are being over sensitive. Have a good day out with your sons.

I agree with another poster who said the girls probably want to have a day with their dad when they can all freely talk about their family memories with their mum. They probably feel uncomfortable to do that with you around. As long as you are all happy together, one day doesn't matter. Let them do it with your blessing. Though having said that, I can also understand why you felt a bit left out. These things can be complicated. But please don' t worry or take it as an exclusion. I' m sure it was never intended that way at all. Have a good day with your sons.

While you may have a good relationship with your step-daughters it's natural that they would want to remember their birth Mum and I think their action in taking their father out alone is their way of doing it.

Don't overthink this, be the bigger person and let them do it. After all, it's only one day. It doesn't mean your OH resents you.

Were you to go along and they spent the whole time talking about events and life before their mum died you may be bored or hurt. Could they be sparing your feelings? I lost a parent in my teens and it was years before I could open up and talk about it with my family I don't think I could talk about it with anyone outside the family group in the same way.

My girls are both married and have children. One SIL knew my late husband, the other does not. It is very difficult to talk about him as he has no idea of what we are on about ? On the 5th anniversary we were in Hamburg, walked into a church to light a candle in his memory. SIL was on his phone wishing his Mum happy birthday (on a cruise with no signal) when 4 of us turned around to shush him. I think he learnt that day ? DH birthday is on Saturday along with his grandaughter who will be 1. We will go to his grave with flowers and a drink x

I do not think you are being oversensitive. They obviously don't want you with them. I would start going out with your sons more a lot more. I found out after 30 years of being welcoming and lending money to my husbands children that they blamed me for splitting them up. We do not have children and I wish to god i had never married him I am trapped as he wants half of everything. So my advise is if you can make a life away from him do you obviously have 2 lovely sons why would you want to be in the company of 2 selfish step daughters just say they can do what they want but are not welcome in your life see how they like it

You have to understand their feelings. I had two friends who were sisters and although they liked their dads wife very much they couldn’t understand why she always had to be there when he came to see them. They just wanted their dad to themselves for the day. Because I have learned from this I actively encourage my partner to see his children on his own.

Sys2ad2
You seem very bitter, but I feel you shouldn’t try and spread your feelings into others. They probably just want their dad to themselves which is completely natural.

I wouldn't worry although taking him out on Mothers Day is a bit thoughtless - nice that you can have a special day with your sons. I used to take my mum out on her own - we had some lovely days out. My step dad didn't mind. Just enjoy your own time and let them build memories. Hope you also have some good times as a united family.

Definitely invite your sons (and their families if they have them) to come to dinner with you on Mothering Sunday.

I too would feel hurt, but I think you are right to keep quiet. It would only make things worse if you tried to explain your feelings.

I do hope you can see your sons. Try not to think too hard about your step daughters' new idea. They may need to learn a bit more about their mother and feel it is not right to ask in front of you.

There's no reason why your SDs shouldn't reminisce with their dad about their deceased mum but actually to do this on Mother's Day 25 years after her death is not only insensitive, it's ridiculous. What memories are they thinking of making? They can't be making memories of their mother, they are wanting to make memories of their time with their father talking about their mother. If they haven't done this in 25 years then there's something strange going on. If they want to make memories of being with their father then let them do this on father's day not mother's day. I think you're completely right to be put out by this. And anyway, you've actually been their mum for longer than their biological mum so when do they honour you? They should be with you on mother's day if you really are a blended family.

Mary52 wrote:

"--- but after all these years, I suddenly feel like we are 2 families again, not one. Part of me says I'm being over-sensitive, and part of me just feels hurt and excluded. FYI there are no problems between DH and myself, and I haven't even hinted at my real feelings about this.".

I applaud your forbearance. You should be even more so.. There actually are occasions when you all split into two families again. After all, what would you want? Do want to be the owner of all his past life and loves before he met you? He has an identity that was established before he even met you, and this identity may include observing Mothers' Day with the daughters of his dead wife.

Your feelings show how Mothers' Day is potentially divisive.

You were never the sort of step mother that takes over the mother role as the girls were already adults, so you are worrying unnecessarily as there is no loss to yourself.

Mary52, every family has its own special memories and shared moments. Please give your husband and his daughters your blessing to have their own private time together. This time isn't about excluding you or being rude, this is about time for their shared memories and their past and present lives that don't necessarily involve you. Whatever day they choose. There are times to be generous of spirit.

I had an accidental bit of joy when celebrating my last birthday. Special dinner was arranged of foursome to include one son's partner. Very last minute babysitting arrangements fell through with the result that son came alone. Initially, I was disappointed because I so love SP. However, the evening that ensued and the memory conversations that included Dad were simply and unexpectedly wonderful. We don't usually over indulge because, sadly, SP never met my husband. I tell you, the occasion was double bliss and unforgettable for me. Not a bit of disrespect for SP. Shall we say 'glorious happenstance'. I would therefore respectfully ask you all not to grudge any 'family' of any make-up not to begrudge each other a bit of 'them' time. Your turn/occasion will come.

Maybe their motivation is partly to give you some quality time with your boys with ‘their Mother’? I can understand your initial reaction, but as you have a good relationship they may well have thought inviting their Father out on this day was a win win situation. They get to reminisce about their Mum and you get to spend some quality time alone with your sons? Try not to worry too much if all else is well ?

My youngest son and his dad have drifted apart and his dad asked me if I knew what the problem was. We get on well so I told him that my youngest only saw his dad once a year on his birthday for about an hour each time and he was fed up that his dad always brought his wife and her daughter with him and everything then revolved around the daughter. I thought and hoped he'd get the hint and spend one hour a year with our son on his birthday on his own but no he didn't his wife wouldn't allow that. So they haven't seen each other at all for the past 5 years. My son has recently got married and has a son, not sure what his dad thinks tbh, I've sent him a few photo's and he always says thanks and he sent them money for a wedding present and sent some to their son on his first birthday so I'm hoping he wants to build bridges but not especially hopeful. He needs to get on with it. Just giving a different perspective.

Also, Golden Age said something about it being ridiculous reminiscing after 25 years on Mother’s Day. My lovely Mum died in 2012 after a short and terrible illness. We routinely go out together on her birthday (usually for breakfast because of work commitments). The passage of time makes this more important, not less and imagine we will do this for the rest of our lives. Partly it is a lovely time to get together, partly we like to acknowledge to our now elderly Father that our parents will always be a central part of our lives whether living or not. The other thing is that we are the little band who knew and loved my Mum, a diminishing group. We spend a happy couple of hours remembering happy times and telling funny stories. So I completely get it ?

Is your stepdaughters wanting their fathers presence on mothers day a first or does this take place every year.?Understandable having lost their mother at such a young age but they are not children any more.Most religions have a mothers day service and can arrange for a prayer to be said for those whose mothers are no longer with them. Could not yourself and own children and their families not join together with your step children for this one day ?

I too, don't get the -"making memories " thing. Shared memories yes . I do think though when you remarry you are still in a way two families. Each family has their own shared history. When I am with my sons I can remember past times with GPs etc that my 2nd husband isn't part of. He can do likewise. It's just how it is. Nothing wrong with it.
If you remarry when children are young adults they will never really look on you as a mum. You will always be dad's wife and simply a friend to them.

Yes, the daughters are making memories, with their Dad. Your DH is also making memories with his DDs who lost their Mum, his late wife. Let them do it, no question.

I think it's understandable that they want to spend Mother's Day with their father remembering their birth mother. They were quite old when their mum died and must have lots of memories and probably want time to remember her together. Wish them well and try to not think of it as a snub.

I haven't read all of this, but Kim19's post hit a spot.
If I can add up, I see that the girls are a similar age to their mother at the time of her death. This may be causing all sorts of emotions.
Something I have found helpful, mostly with children, but it does apply to adults, is that major events can 'recycle'. As our lives change and we go through developmental stages, we revisit major and / or traumatic events and make sense of them, looking at the through the lens of our latest stage in life.
I think your step-daughters may be doing that, and you will show wisdom and kindness by allowing it, in some way.

I do salute all of you who deal with these step-parent / grandparent issues. It is very testing.