Daughter

I am in a similar situation but far worse. I hear the advice, but when your child is desperate,what can a mother do, especially if they fear the consequences if they refuse.

No maintenance from the twins father and limited from the other ones. All losers I’m afraid. She’s In Private rental and on some benefits. She started working in a nursery last year as her little one could go along too, and she has level 3 NVC certificates. Her benefits Immefiately stopped and she was worse off. She had to go through hoops to get it back and had to give up the job. A vicious circle. Again we bailed her out. One drama after another I’m afraid.

Get your daughter an appointment with the Citizens Advice and go along with her. They will do a check on all that she is entitled to with 4 children. They will then look at all her debts and work out a payment plan thus then contacting all her debtors so that she can manage on what she gets. That in itself will eventually give her confidence in herself that she can manage her finances. A whole weight will come off her shoulders as will a whole weight come off your shoulders too. To do this will take a number of appointments with the Citizens Advice but it will be worth it for her own self respect and the people who work there are not there to judge her but get her on track...plus everything is confidential. She will thank you for it once everything is put in place and she sticks to the plan made for her. The hardest part for her is going to her first appointment...but the people working with her will treat her with the utmost respect...they will be kind & helpful. I know because I have been an Advisor with the Citizens Advice...there is no better satisfaction for an Advisor than to see their Client walk out the door feeling better in themselves, walking tall and equipped with a plan that keeps them on the straight and narrow and more independent in themselves. Who knows...she may then get rid of the ball & chain (partner) who is not helping her cause. The Citizens Advice is there to help in all areas of life...they can also sign post you to other organizations for support. She wont regret it if she goes along...it sounds like she has got a bit lost & overwhelmed in life and needs to know what is there to help her. xx

You perhaps might benefit from reading up on Co-dependency which I think is about enabling people. Your daughter is not going to change or learn how to take responsibility for her own life by constantly giving her money. Veyr difficult as none of us want to see our children suffer but sometimes tough love is the answer.

Like some others say...I’m sorry but you are enabling your 40+ daughter to behave like an irresponsible teenager. No need to have kids you can’t afford these days.... let her get on with her responsibilities to her kids ...you can keep a wary eye on them ...but DONT give her money. Occasionally drop by with bag of groceries ... buy kids school uniforms when necessary.... shoes if necessary , but stop enabling g her WITH money . You do t know where it’s going, and you can bet some will find its way into her ‘partners’ pockets.!

I was in a similar situation to my daughter, 20 years ago. The difference was at the time there was a safety net and I was able to get back on my feet, house myself and child, and back into work. The services I accessed are no longer there. The reality of the current system is that there is minimal help available.

I understand the need for benefit reform, but the reality of the situation is that people can be left without money for up to 6 months. You can't sofa surf if you have children.

The ultimate reason for benefit reform was to cut funding to the poor, those deemed undeserving by the elite in control. In reality, tax avoidance costs FAR more than the benefit cheats who used to be able to access the system. The difference is, the benefit cheats ARE the elite and therefore they perpetuate the system that supports them.

It is natural to want to help a daughter in your daughter's position, but please take into consideration that you are being a little unfair on your sons. They never ask for help. Probably, they are happy that you help their sister out, but all the same, unless you give them the same, it isn't quite fair.

I would keep very careful account of the money the girl has received and add a codicil to my will, stating that the amount she owes you at your demise is to be deducted from her inheritance.

I would also tell her frankly, that I could no longer lend her money, but that I would help her make out a budget and talk to her bank manager and to social security. If neither she nor her partner are in work, but have children to support she should be entitled to some help.

If her landlord turns her out because she doesn't pay her rent, social security will have to step in.

You are, unfortunately, enabling her to live so irresponsibly by stepping in and helping. I understand why you are doing it, I too would find it hard not to, but in the long run it will be better for your daughter if you stop, now.

I apologise if this sounds harsh, but I have been in a similar position and came to realise that I was doing no good.

Give a man a fish or teach him how to fish? She needs help with how to manage on the income they have ...yes it might mean going without certain things but she has to learn to shop, cook and pay rent wisely, to prioritize and to budget.

What a lot of good and diverse advice from other GNs. Despite my current woes, I’m blessed with 2DDs who are both money savvy . My FIL was a mean man who’s motto was ‘not a lender nor a borrower be’ and he refused any requests for help from anyone! Thankfully, when he died, he left enough for us to split between our DDs to get them on the property ladder - we didn’t need his money.
My own parents weren’t well off, but my Dad loaned me £450 in 1973 for a VW Beetle, known as The Flying Fart’. When DH sold his car (got a company one) I took my Dad his money with a box of Terry’s 1767 (remember them - yum) but on my way out of the house, he handed me back the cash, but kept the chocolates!
As an only child, I’ve always given my DDs unexpected gifts - sometimes paid for holidays, but never in advance and they never expect anything.
My motto is ‘don’t lend it, if you can’t afford to lose it’. As another GN says they’ll get it anyway and better while they’re young enough to enjoy it.

I hate sounding too judgmental, and I genuinely feel sorry for you, but at the age of 41 your daughter should be standing on her own feet, and certainly not be producing children in such an irresponsible way and then expect you and the State, ie the rest of us through our taxes, to keep her. I think the time for some straight talking was after the first pregnancy but it is still not too late, and for your own health you should tell her firmly that there will be no more financial help, and stick to it. Its called tough love.

Hi Ginster

Did your daughter attend SEX education classes, or practiced too much??
Perhaps, the Pill, condoms or sterilization would be a good idea!

Why should we (the Peasants) have to pay for them???

From a practical point of view. Can she claim any benefits i.e Universal credit, tax credits, child benefit, housing benefit and council tax support. Her water company may be able to help if she has a debt there and put her on a cheaper tariff. Is she getting child maintenance from the childrens fathers as H1954 has mentioned. If she has debts there are agencies or companies that can help - Stepchange, Citizens Advice and the Council sometimes work with agencies that can help. It may help her if she can write down what she has coming in and what goes out and try some good old fashioned budgeting. (My job before I was ill) From a Mums point of view it is so hard not to help but I do think the handing over of money should stop. You can help in other ways as others have said, buy food or things that the children need. Good luck and dont blame yourself for being you.

I think if you can afford it, right this debt off. Then start afresh, but after sitting your daughter down and and telling her you can’t keep subsidising her. Unfortunately quite often situations like this end baldly. I really feel for you, being in the middle is horrible.

Why isn't she getting maintenance from the twins' father?

You say she's a good mom, her actions say otherwise.

Maintenance here seems to be almost optional for absent parents, sadly.

Would your daughter attend counselling. It sounds like a counsellor could break into the vicious circle and help her to see how to break out into a new way of living

I do feel for you as you love your daughter and trying to help her, but and it’s a big but.... she has to learn to manage her finances, you can’t keep being the bank of mum n dad, it’s not fair on you, we all like to help our AC but there comes a time when enough is enough! I wouldn’t keep handing out money I’m afraid, she has a partner who you say works now and then, if you don’t mind me asking gingster, is this since the lockdown? Your daughter has 4 children by dif fathers are they paying maintenance? You sound a lovely mum, I would also want to help my AC as much as I could if they were in difficulty but I wouldn’t be doing it all the time, as she has to take responsibility for herself and her children, and I feel if she’s living with partner too he should be doing more

If she is not working and he works now and then
She is entitled to claim universal credit,they will have there rent and council tax paid.
The other thing it is payed all in one,so it’s there’s responsibilities to pay the rent and council tax from the money they receive.
Is she getting it and not telling you
Plus what makes me think she is, is if your helping her out with the rent where she getting money for food etc
Plus she will be getting family allowance for the children.

Tough love is what she needs, or she will never grow up. It’s very hard but she needs to take responsibility for herself...your responsibility was over when you raised her to adulthood. She is a grownup with kids of her own, not a little girl who needs her Mummy to hold her hand. There is a world of difference between bailing an adult offspring out once in a blue moon and being taken for granted regularly. Do not continue to enable her fecklessness

I haven’t had a lot of choice really. My daughter is 44 and changed jobs just at the wrong time to be furloughed. She still has her job to go back to when the coffee shop opens again. She has an 11 year old daughter with no income from the absent father, she has a 21 year old son who works at MacDonalds on a zero hours contract, he is furloughed. For the past 4 months I have been paying her rent, council tax and food shopping. I pay the rent and council tax direct to the council. I give her £60 per week for food shopping. She has applied for universal credit when this first started but was told she would have to wait till 3June before getting anything. I believe it’s about £100 per week. Her rent is £106 per week, so not even covered. Her only income at the moment is child benefit of £13 something a week. This situation of no work is not her fault, she likes her new job and wants to get back to it ASAP. I do not expect to get any of this money back but it takes up all my pension. I am paying 2 lots of bills, mine and hers.It is not a loan but there is no way I would see the grandchildren on the street or in one of those dreadful hostels. I also help her with school shoes, uniform and school trips etc. We have done budget sheets in the past which she has stuck to but corona has completely messed up the finances. Let’s hope the catering business soon opens up again for all concerned, there must be a lot of people with very low income at the moment.

I often wonder why the mothers of today seem to have to have the non working, non contributing partner installed in their house.
Are the family of the partner providing anything? Even if the DGC are not his he will be a cost to the household finances.
My family has had this sort of situation going on with a few of the younger generation. We developed a routine for dealing with these situations. The mother and children can come to their relatives and they will be fed but they will not even get the left overs to take home (we don't want to feed a non working layabout man). Anything such as clothes or shoes bought for the children have the labels removed so that they can not be returned to the shop for cash (or the child's name written on the label if not removeable). Money is never handed over. We have paid rent direct to the landlord or take electricity or gas cards to get money credited to them which we do for the sake of the mother and children.
We need to find out why these mothers seem to think that they have to have these hobosexual layabouts in their lives. What are they lacking that this is essential. Could they be lacking confidence or was the confidence removed from them by the partner constantly running them down? This is becoming endemic now.

Sorry, Gingster, that you have this problem, I can't advise you, but do sympathise.

Our own AC are in 40's, both with large mortgages & outgoings, both having (expensive!) children. Although working, money is often tight.

It does seem that this ( & future) generations have a more relaxed attitude to money than my generation.
They seem to spend, & see if there is anything left.!
We see if we can afford to spend..!!

We have given to ours , over the years, but only what we can afford to do so, without leaving us short.
When 'loans' have been made, we count any re-payment as a bonus...!!!

It's hard, being a parent, however old those AC are.

You & Mr.G have to do what you feel is right, for you & your family.

It does seem that this ( & future) generations have a more relaxed attitude to money than my generation.
They seem to spend, & see if there is anything left.!
We see if we can afford to spend..!!

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Nothing further from the truth.
There are moochers and bad planners in every generation.

I have the same problem with my 18 year old granddaughter. She is hopeless with money and spends her monthly money from DSS within a week. Her mum won't help her. I sold my house a year ago and live in private rented accommodation so I give her money (around £30 a week). I buy baby milk & nappies etc. I know I won't get it back but I'd rather them be happy now than when I'm gone.

I'm inclined to agree that heping her to manage her finances would be better than just bailomg her out. Seeing someone independent - citizens advice, welfare rights centres may be able help - to see of she is claiming all the benefits she can, drawing up debt repayment plans with the lebders etc