Unwanted Gift

Silent Games, that is part of my problem, as I wanted my birthday to go well with me and two sons happy and so I felt I could not under any circumstances imply the gift was unwelcome. As it turned out my son said he would far rather I had told him immediately the gift was unsuitable, than I "threw it in a cupboard" or sent it to the charity shop. I also feel very lucky to have an affectionate son.

I 'bite my tongue' to keep the peace with my 2 children - it's worth it as we all get on so well and have many happy times. However, if one of my sons decided to lecture me for 2 hours I am afraid I would have thrown the bl**dy cushion at him and told him to 'go forth and muliply' as it were!!

What a good idea Oopsadaisy!
But I think I'd say, "would you mind if I had the cushion altered to fit my chair?" rather than ask him to get it done.
If he offers, well, win-win!

I wouldn't even want the ... cushion after him carrying on like that.

I'd stick it back in the cupboard and tell him I only want donations to my favourite charity as gifts, in future.

Affectionate at times, bullying at others - that's an abusive relationship.

Perhaps his ex-wives all appear to love him as they now only get his lovable side, not his bullying side?

I have several lovely scarves and bottles of scent given lovingly by DSs, but none of them really to my liking. I accepted them in the spirit in which they were given, but in recent years I have always asked them to give a gift in my name, be it a goat or chickens for an African community or equipment for a village school teacher in a remote area. I wonder what they'll think up for my approaching VERY BIG birthday - my sister suggested dental implants, and I don't think she was joking.

He has a problem for sure. I'd just tell him so and laugh it off, myself.

I like the idea of insisting on donations as it takes away all the worry about Christmas gifts.

To me, things are just things, not important at all. My home is minimalist, my territory. I choose what I want in it, nobody else. Most people know I don't really 'do' giving and receiving things, apart from cakes.

I will graciously accept a gift, though, of course, wait a while - then off it goes to the charity shop. Somebody else might really appreciate it.

If I'm asked what I'd like (which is nice) I say that I'd love some chocolates or a small plant for the garden.

I can’t imagine how the poor lamb has 3 Ex wives ?

At least they could get rid of him. I feel bad for you.

I’d have told him to piss off with his bloody pillow after 20 mins.

Alexa do you come from a country where men are dominant and women subservient Just the way you word your post made me wonder
It is disappointing to find a gift put away in a cupboard but why is he looking in your cupboards you say you don’t have much room as you live downstairs do you mean you live in your sons house (downstairs)
I don’t think your son sounds sensitive I think he has a problem with women making a decision, He wants to be in control and no woman is going to go against his ideas and decisions .....not his wives ( the reason he has so many ex s ) nor his elderly mother because HE knows best
Your son whilst disappointed that you didn’t like the gift had no right to harangue you (your words) and now he s bought you another thing you don’t want a rake and is annoyed you don’t want it
Please don’t see this as your fault the fault lies with him and nothing to do with your love care or parenting

now he s bought you another thing you don’t want a rake and is annoyed you don’t want it

You could just say, "thanks, that the rake will be useful for you when you come to clear up my leaves'. Bung it in the shed (if you have one) and tell him it's there for when he needs it.

I'd be tempted to put the cushion over his face to shut him up.

I would tell him quietly that I found his behaviour unaceptable and that if giving or receiving presents is going to lead to offended and offensive behaviour on his part, you would prefer all present giving to stop.

Yes, another one to suggest the Paddington 'hard stare' technique. If someone is very rude, Paddington is very polite and does this, watch the film...

I noticed you said that space was limited where you live. Thats a perfectly reasonable explanation. Yes, cushion in cupboard or on bed. It may prove useful as a floor cushion for a young person that comes to visit. Or even a visiting dog heaven forbid.

I am one who beliefs gifts have ribbons not strings.

Meaning if someone gives you a gift that doesn't give them license to control your behaviour or your life. Sorry people, but if they give the gift they are supposed to let it go and leave it up to the other person to receive it.

What would you do if someone gave you a cat and you were allergic to cats? Similar thing isn't it? You said you didn't have much space. If you were living somewhere really spacious it probably wouldnt' bother you because you would have the floor space to just put it in front of the fire and forget about it, surely?

Love that bit about gifts having ribbons, not strings, greengreen ?

Here's the bear himself, doing the biz

www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-d&q=paddington+stare+you+tube

Alexa this sounds as though it is about much more than a cushion. Maybe this was just the catalyst that triggered your upset and your Son's unkind words. It is really about finding out what the actual problem is and seeing how it can be resolved. People come on here with many problems, health, estrangement, divorce not sure I can put the unwanted gift of a cushion in the same category when so many others have such life changing issues in their lives.

Would agree that it may be about much more than just a cushion.

If this is a repeated pattern of behaviour, and if the OP did not feel strong enough to respond and say what she thought and how she felt, it could be very controlling.

I was being light hearted about the stare thing, but over a number of years this sort of thing can lead to really difficult misunderstandings and worse.

MerylStreep

Sounds like he's the one with a problem. 2 ex wives mmm.

Exactly so @MerylStreep
I'm trying to imagine a scenario in which I'd spend money on my ex-husband's mother's birthday and the only one I can come up with is that I always was very fond of her, and perhaps felt that she was unappreciated by her son and that getting her an expensive present was a way of sending a rather caustic message to said son.

@Alexa you are naturally concerned about being a good mother. You've already been a good mother. You've modelled considerate behaviour as much as possible to your son. He's not getting the message though, is he? Next time he has a go at you maybe push gently back with an observation that it's your home, and if he wants to give you presents, which is well meant, he should ask you in advance what's useful and what's not.
As for the cushion I read what you said about your dog throwing it off the bed - mine loves doing that with cushions too and I think your dog is having fun with the cushion so don't take away his toy!

BlueBelle, I live in my own semi with downstairs shower room. I can climb the stairs but it is a wee bit of a struggle.

I was reared to respect the menfolk in the family. I do need and receive help of various sorts from my sons but am unusually independent for someone my age.
My living space downstairs is small and I can manage it and take pride in it only if I can store things I don't immediately need or else it would be really cluttered.

I was reared to respect the menfolk in the family
It should be a two-way thing, Alexa and your DS needs to respect you and your decisions too.

Respect is one thing, kow-towing is quite another.

You could show him this thread?

Thanks for answering alexa
Respect has to be earned and menfolk are no more worthy of respect that womenfolk
So you don’t live with your son, may I ask why he was in your cupboard ?
Please don’t worry any more you have done nothing wrong and I m sure you have been an excellent mother please stop beating yourself up
Before your birthday or Christmas just say I would really love a nice new .... perfume, soap, Strawberry jam or whatever you fancy and don’t be put down by the men in your life
Well done you for being as independent as possible

I was reared to respect the menfolk in the family

Did this translate into how you raised him?
Has he grown believing he holds some position of greatness?

Would again explain 3 Ex Wives and speaking to his mother like this.
Has nobody ever knocked him down a peg?

I was reared to respect the menfolk in the family

Pity your son wasn't raised to respect the womenfolk in his.

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