Unwanted Gift

At least two ex-wives! Something tells me it's him with the problem, not you. Especially as you say you like the ex who bought you the cushion.

Agree with all the above. But, am insanely curious as to what are the correct form of words for refusing a gift? That sounds like useful information

I received a gift back from a friend the other day for my birthday which I had given her last Christmas!

That happened to me last Christmas! I didn't mention it.

Alexa, you say that your son has been told that he's too sensitive. Perhaps you could remind him that truly sensitive people are sensitive to other peoples feelings as well as their own. Were you not being sensitive by not saying immediately that the cushion was inappropriate for you?

If I've been given something I don't like or want I put it in a cupboard to donate as raffle prizes at Christmas, making sure, of course, that the person who gave it me won't be at the 'do'.

What a burden!

Please remember that offence is taken and nor usually given, in my experience.

Take a deep breath and tell your son that he has hurt you a lot. Then just sit and listen calmly. Let him rant if he wants to. Then say 'I understand and I'm sorry you feel like that' , nothing more. Then concentrate on being calm and wait to see what happens. Focus on something else such as 'how like his father he is' or what you are planning for the next meal and what order to use the ingredients.

Let the moment pass and pick up as if nothing has happened, with some local news or similar.

Probably least said soonest mended afterwards. You have made your point and don't need to repeat it and prolong the unpleasantness.

Good luck!

I thought the same as grandmabatty, he sounds like a bit of a bully and shouldn't be telling you off at all never mind two hours. I'm not really into fancy gifts and every year I tell my daughter I don't need anything but she always insists on buying me lovely presents I don't use. She then discovers I don't use them but does the same the following year. I love gardening and each year I ask her to buy me a rose, or a plant or voucher instead (loads of choice) if she wants some ideas. They haven't got pots of money as a family so trying to be diplomatic, I try to pick something fairly cheap when she asks without offending her.

Dear Alexa. It must have been terribly upsetting for you to have your son go on at you for two whole hours, especially if you are, as you say, very elderly. I don’t think I would have let him go on for 5 minutes, let alone 2 hours! You could have said that you really love the cushion and the thought behind it, but you have put it in the cupboard to keep it safe from the dog!
Our daughter in the US usually sends us a plant for the house or garden, which are always very welcome. We are just finishing off the grapes and strawberries from plants she has sent us.
It’s a bit more tricky as it’s from you ex-daughter-in-law. It’s lovely that she still thinks a lot of you and buys you presents, even if they aren’t exactly suitable. I think you did the right thing in putting it in the cupboard, but your big mistake was not having it in view when your son came round! Maybe you didn’t know he was coming. Even so, that doesn’t excuse his behaviour. It’s your gift to do as you like with and nothing to do with him. If he goes on like that, I’m not surprised they are ex-wives!

Sorry? The present was from one of his ex wives and he's the one getting upset?
In my mind, once a gift is given, it belongs to the person it was given to , to do with as they wish!
Nobody ever should feel they have the right to harangue their mother at all, not even for 5 minutes - maybe why he has got at least 2 ex wives!
You tell him that you don't want or need a grass rake, so he insists you keep it - what planet is he on? Does he just give you useless gifts to make himself feel better?
As far as future gifts are concerned, you either need to tell him not to worry to buy you gifts - you'd be quite happy with flowers or say that because you find it difficult to buy clothes for yourself, suggest he gives you a gift card for a particular shop, or maybe he could have afternoon tea delivered, a nice cake for your birthday or when possible, take you out for a meal or take you out for the day , even if it is just to the coast fro a fish and chip supper even in winter! Plenty of gift ideas without having to give "things"!

In my family we usually tell each other what we'd like and we often go for gifts that involve spending time together, such as a meal out. Last Christmas DS and DiL gave me a 'voucher' which promised to take me to the theatre in London and a meal. They asked me to choose a production I'd like and suggest dates. Unfortunately with the lockdown etc it is unused and may be difficult to do now as they are expecting a baby this next month, then moving abroad. DD bought me a voucher for an upholstery class, again not used because of covid19 but hopefully will be before too long.
As a 'soon to be retired' person I rarely need 'stuff' as I need to get rid of things rather than acquire new things so this approach works for me. The best present for me is to spend time with them as they live a long way away. Last time DS and DiL came to stay they spent a day clearing my garden of overgrown shrubs, knee high grass and digging out ant hills! They came with tools to do the job, borrowed from her father who used to be a tree surgeon. I'm loving the change to the garden and will soon be able to enjoy it even more when I remove the last load of 'cuttings'. If I never get the theatre trip or the meal out I shalln't mind a bit!
As someone else suggested, set your son to work in the garden with the rake!

I think the nub of this is "He helped her to choose it for me,". His feelings are hurt because, as you say, he is overly sensitive. However, that is something he is going to have to deal with and you have no control over that. I suggest that next time you say, very kindly, "You seem to be taking this as a personal slight when, in fact, it is a practicality issue. I am sorry you are hurt by my actions but absolutely no malice was intended. The fact I have found that I have no use for this is not because I don't like it and I think you have wonderful taste. I have just reached a time in my life where I want to go for ease rather than managing other people's expectations so please don't feel offended." If he carries on just quietly respond with, "I'm sorry, this is not up for discussion so can we talk about something else." Hopefully it would shock him into silence.
Another response would be that what he does in his generation might be the "done thing" but what you do in yours is acceptable to yours. Good grief, how very dare he lecture on where you are going wrong!

A gift, once given, becomes the property of the recipient and is theirs to do with as they wish. You can throw it on the back of the fire if you wish to! Your son has no right to harangue you. That cushion is yours! I shouldn't ask but how many wives has he had?

i agree put it on the bed .....as for your son argue ing with you for two hours, say please dont speak to me in that way .its very hurtful,,,,and walk away ,.....or even throw the cushion at him .for christmas ask for gift card that way you can buy what you want...

Hello Alexa, gosh..... you'd have to start by defining for me your idea of a 'good' Mother. More so when the 'children' are adults. Mine are of the ilk who survived in spite of me. I also have two sons different as chalk and cheese but I have managed to persuade them into gifts that I really want (at last). Difficult though it may be, you must stop your son right in the middle of one of his rants and tell him how rude, dictatorial and hurtful he is being. Yep, there may be consequences but he may even turn into a 'good' son whatever you perceive that to be. Good luck. Families, eh?!!

Looks like theres another reason he went on, is he perhaps hoping for, or indeed has, rekindled his relationship with this ex? So maybe feeling he has to stick up for her on her behalf over the gift..if it was me id have given him 5minutes to get it off his chest, then had to put him in his place! Its a blooming cushion for goodness sake, not a puppy! It wont harm it in the cupboard! You could have just said you popped it in there out of way while you hoovered or something& forgot? But really if you get a gift, its up to you where you put it, hes no right to harangue you over it,i agree with others, put him in his place! Also, yes i see too why hes got 2 exes! Women, (people in general) dont like to be harangued over everything.as for xmas,give a list of things to choose from, or ask for gift vouchers, or a voucher for a 'doing' gift, like weekend away, or tea somewhere, or spa day or some such, or a meal out. Or yes something small like perfume , soaps or make up.or a magazine subscription is always nice, spreads gift throughout the year.?But certainly dont 'dread it' and dont put up with his behaviour.If any of mine did that (one or 2 try occasionally) i give them a 5minute 'spout' and then remind them im Their mother, not other way round.

Alexa I guess you might have given up reading by now! However, icanhandthemback has the right idea, I think, that his feelings are hurt because he actually chose the cushion. Your post worries me because, although I might have got completely the wrong idea, your son sounds manipulative and you are vulnerable. Also I really can't imagine why any woman would spend much time with an ex, especially if there are no children, which you haven't mentioned. Is that manipulative too? Anyway, to get to the point, I tread on eggshells a bit with one of my AC who is also sensitive and very caring, so I do understand. However, there are occasions when a line is crossed and I have to say 'that's enough'. Because I so very rarely do it and it shows I'm upset, it always illicits an immediate apology. Do you think this might work with your son?

Hi everybody has anybody noticed or is it just me that is seeing face mask all over the floor from just in the street to outside shopping centres do these people who do this always have spare ones with them and money to burn because they are not cheapp

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putting the cushion on your bed sounds a good idea.

Otherwise recycle it....give it to someone else as a present.....I do this all the time.

Not a problem really. It`s good for the environment isn't it?

I think these more going on here..its not just about the cushion.....

Hopefully, that's the last time you'll receive a cushion from them. Your son's behaviour is unacceptable and odd. I have had presents rejected outright by my mother (and grandmother and son for that matter). I just bite my tongue and keep my feelings to myself out of parental respect. No point making a big issue out of it.

I see this "sensitive" behaviour as bullying.
It means everything ends up being about the person who gets upset.

I've said for many years I don't want any presents that gather dust.
I like something to drink (wine or gin, depending on budget), nice handcream or a gift voucher (garden centre, M&S, TKMaxx).
I certainly don't want "stuff"!

I have a niece like your son who can go on for 2 hours, and she is a know-all too. He sounds spoilt too. Personally I either give my unwanted gifts to charity or I re-gift them.

The matter of the cushion is that my son places a lot of importance on gift giving and my appreciating his gifts, as he said, he thinks about what to buy for me. I fear that my son craves appreciation more than I have been giving him, and that is what I meant by being a good mother, giving him what he needs.

Icanhandthemback wrote:"You seem to be taking this as a personal slight when, in fact, it is a practicality issue. I am sorry you are hurt by my actions but absolutely no malice was intended. The fact I have found that I have no use for this is not because I don't like it and I think you have wonderful taste. I have just reached a time in my life where I want to go for ease rather than managing other people's expectations so please don't feel offended."

That is exactly how my life is, just as you describe, and what I tried to explain to him. His response was I should immediately have said I did not like it and he told me a polite way to say so, then his dear friend his ex wife, could have returned it, but now it was too late and she did not have a receipt.
I agreed with him on principle, I did admire the cushion when I unwrapped it and said I liked it very much. The next day I realised there was no place in my life for it. |Also that my hiding the cushion in a cupboard was an insult to his ex wife whom he loves and who had been so kind as to give me a nice present.

My son has a lot in common with two ex-wives especially, although he is also a generally friendly and popular person. I like all his wives , which is very fortunate for me!