DIL seeking advice

I found we couldn’t do anything as a couple. They didn’t listen to me. It had to come from my husband. We worked together behind the scenes, but he had to try and deal with them. When he finally did, there was no going back. It was unsalvagable.

The word 'jealousy' was mentioned by you. I think that this could be part of the problem. My MiL was very jealous of me and made sure she ruined every happy occasion because the attention wasn't focussed on her (engagement, wedding, Christenings). My husband, like yours, did not want to speak up for me which caused many rows between us. Try to not let it bother you even though it's very difficult, concentrate on your lovely son and try not to let it affect the relationship you have with your husband because if so, she will have won.

Madgran77

This is not a "potentially" situation at all
His parents and husband have been seriously impacting OP for a very long time.

My m.i.l. was jealous of me Newatthis which caused no end of problems. I do think it helped that I was willing and able to stand up to her for myself and didn't expect him to always do so for me.

We have a very good relationship now and have done so for many years.

Good post Madgran.

I would be very unhappy if one of 4 s.i.l would not stand up to his parents for my 4 daughter. Biblical "leave and cleave" is in play, H allegiance is to his W.

Hi guys thanks for all the advice it is really good to see an outsider perspective. I don't have any updates yet as the next visit I predict my husband will ask for is this weekend. He hasn't yet but I am sure it's coming. I am going to say no and see what happens.
I do agree this is not a potential problem either it is a full on problem. I think it's best if my husband and I approach it together but I do think he needs to be the one to set the tone. If I stand up to her/them and he doesn't back me then it will create bigger problems I am afraid.
Just some insight with him seeing this as normal, is even though before he met me and our first year of dating he claimed her had a fabulous relationship with his parents. We used to see them 3 times a week at the beginning and they were long visits. His parents would ignore me for the entire time so I said he could go alone and he stopped because he preferred to spend time with me. So maybe there is some jealousy there. I think with MIL it's more control I think shes jealous of my mom getting more time but with me I think its control I could be wrong though.
During the multiple visits and even now I observe PILs not even treating DH all that well. They are very critical of DHs weight and control all food portions at their house. Which is odd to me since DH is on the slender side of average. They also argue with him if he disagrees with anything they say and they treat him/us like toddlers at times. During our last walk his mom yelled at him to get off the ice. It's weird and part of the reason why I hate visits with them. It's odd to watch, the only difference is they listen to him, are interested in him, laugh at his jokes and genuinely seem to enjoy his company as opposed to their attitude with me. I think he sees it as mom and dad are the boss and I am their child. What I want is for him to recognize relationships change he is a man with a family and he and his wife deserve to be respected as adults.

I agree Toadinthehole. Also, being the way they are is reprehensible.

Also to note the rude passive aggressive behaviour and snapping from MIL only started when we got engaged about 2 years into our relationship. It cooled for a bit after our wedding but has really amped up again since around the time our son was born. We cant get through a visit anymore without it happening. Not sure if this helps either advice. It could be jealousy I don't really know where it is coming from.

A husband's allegiance being to his wife doesn't mean it should be, or needs to be done at the expense of his relationship with his own parents Norah.

As for the biblical reference found in Mark Chapter 10 in reference to Genesis, this is to do with the marital relationship between husband and wife; the two becoming one flesh, and with regard to divorce. The question asked of Jesus was about divorce, not the relationship between a married man and his parents. It is not as so often miss used, that a husband should ultimately abandon his parents for the sake of his wife. He leaves his parents to set up home with his wife.

It looks from your last post Lakelover as if your p's.i.l. as well as regarding you as a child, still see your H as a child and need to see him for the man, husband and father he has become.

There has been some progress hasn't there, as to begin with you used to see his parents 3 times a week for long visits. Progress is slow I agree but you are on the right path.

I was referring to your post @ 17.35 Lakelover.

i agree with Toad; you must not acquiesce in your own debasement.
you cannot change her behaviour, and don't try directly. just think carefully, read up on assertiveness, and change how you act in her presence.
she sounds like a control freak.
long visits 3 times a week, for a young couple, sounds odd, let alone with her ignoring you.
it sounds dysfunctional long before you came on the scene. your husband has been acclimatised to it, probably can't really see it for what it is.
that's another reason she blanks you, your presence rocks the boat, disrupts the dynamic where she is big boss and can control everyone esp your husband.
that you are beginning to see all this is a good first step.

The moment she is passive aggressive, you leave with baby.

Depending on her response to her boundary stomp, decide when and if next visit happens.

Passive aggressive behaviour is not a trait of a good grandparent. Nip it now before your child is affected by it.

When God created marriage, He made a rule for relationships between a husband and wife: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother shall cleave to his wife, and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). ... The moment you get married, you “cleave” to your spouse. Your spouse comes first.

This is not a "potentially" situation at all
His parents and husband have been seriously impacting OP for a very long time.

In the context of using the word potentially I meant it could do more harm to the marriage/partnership potentially; I did not say it could potentially impact on the OP because I was referring to the partnership, which I think is clear from my comment.

Yes I agree there has been considerable impact on the OP already!

I found we couldn’t do anything as a couple. They didn’t listen to me. It had to come from my husband. We worked together behind the scenes, but he had to try and deal with them. When he finally did, there was no going back. It was unsalvagable

And the key thing there is toadinthehole is that you came to those conclusions together and moved forward together with the outcomes. A true partnership approach!

Fact: "Passive aggressive behaviour is not a trait of a good grandparent. Nip it now before your child is affected by it."

Neither is this behaviour good for your marriage or self.

I would be very unhappy if one of 4 s.i.l would not stand up to his parents for my 4 daughter. Biblical "leave and cleave" is in play, H allegiance is to his W

Yes but "standing up for his wife" is not the same as working as a partnership to decide a strategy which may or may not be DIL speaking for herself or Husband doing it, or them speaking together!!

I do agree this is not a potential problem either it is a full on problem

Yes Lakelover I can see that, I explained the context of my use of that word upthread. I was not suggesting that it was not already a problem!!

I'm not disputing that Norah, you should re read my post. All too often it's 'used' that a husband should cleave to his wife at the expense of his relationship with his parents, and that is the miss use and miss interpretation of the text.

Passive aggressive behaviour is not a trait of a good grandparent. Nip it now before your child is affected by it

I agree! .

Madgran sorry yes I see what you mean by potentially. It definitely has the potential to be an issue that becomes much bigger later on for sure. I'd like to try to make it better before it becomes to much to bare, especially with a little one involved now.

I think you'll succeed Lakelover because that clearly is what you want to do.

I respect you for looking at the bigger picture, for seeing how not resolving this issue will impact not just on you, but on your husband, your son and his parents. In many ways, I was just like you are now.

IMO jealousy does have a role in all of this. I don't know if you've ever raised this with your H but if you haven't, I'd suggest you do so.

It was a huge issue with my m.i.l., my DH couldn't see it until I suggested it may be an issue and that enabled him to see the situation more clearly.

It wasn't an easy fix believe me, and we had many years of problems due to his mother's behaviour, but we got through it because we had the same goal to reach for.

You and your H can do this too.

Very wise Lakelover. Miserable situation to deal with

Lakeover, I suggest that maybe a year or two cooling off time, not around P.i.L may be of help to your sense of being frustrated.

a year or two ....just like that?