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Am I right to feel resentful?

(123 Posts)
grandmacarole Fri 26-Mar-21 21:48:47

Been married 46 years this year, always been happy my husband is lovely and kind. We retired almost 2 years ago he has easily quadruple pension income than I do. He pays all bills and I do food towards which he contributes £150 a month to top up my pension. He asked me to start getting him two bottles of wine a week with the shopping saying he would transfer the money, which he did. But now hasn’t done so for over a month so an extra £50 or so on the shopping cost this month. Am I wrong to feel a bit hurt about this I can’t really afford it and have asked him to start paying again. I don’t drink it is purely his.

Sara1954 Fri 26-Mar-21 22:28:04

I find your financial arrangements very strange, we have never had separate money, it all goes into one pot, I can’t imagine quibbling about money after so many years of marriage.

Polarbear2 Fri 26-Mar-21 22:33:27

Wow that’s the kind of thing I’d write about a newish relationship. 40 years in I’m shocked you haven’t got a joint ac or something similar. I’d suggest that as a solution. A joint ac where you both pay in proportional to income and spend as required.

Redhead56 Fri 26-Mar-21 22:35:00

My husband usually buys the booze sometimes I buy extra. If it bothers you so much stop picking wine up. If he asks about it tell to put his hands in his pocket and dig deep. It's ok to have an account each but a joint account is a good idea too.

Deedaa Fri 26-Mar-21 22:38:45

I would certainly suggest a joint account for household expenses. Then you've still got the rest of your pensions for personal stuff.

Gannygangan Fri 26-Mar-21 22:41:20

Yes, joint account for household items.

I too find it an unusual arrangement but we're all different

We just have money. Our money.

He's earned far more than me over the years but I was left with a hefty inheritance . It all goes into the same account.

suziewoozie Fri 26-Mar-21 22:42:59

Oh goodness me. I don’t know what to say. Well obviously you’re not going to change the basic financial arrangement now but at least stop buying the wine. If he wants it he can damn well go and buy it - personally I’d be pouring a bottle over his head. He isn’t lovely and kind imo btw he’s selfish and greedy. You are wrong to feel resentful - just stop doing what causes the resentment and if he keeps cash in his wallet, help yourself to the £50 owing. 😀

keepingquiet Sat 27-Mar-21 08:37:23

Tell him to get his own wine if you don't even drink it. I'm not getting the issue here, unless there's more to it?

Witzend Sat 27-Mar-21 08:43:09

I’d just stop buying his wine. Let him pay, or get it himself.

I’m another who finds married finances like this hard to understand. Except for a few years, dh always earned more than I did, and his pension is a lot more, but our money has always been ‘ours’. I suppose I should count myself very lucky.

Marydoll Sat 27-Mar-21 09:03:15

Another one who finds your financial arrangements strange. A marriage is a partnership, everything comes out of our joint accounts, since our pensions are combined.

However, we have pocket money every month, to do with it what we like.

suziewoozie Sat 27-Mar-21 09:03:54

No Witz not lucky - that’s how it should be. Nothing lucky about a grown up relationship.

sodapop Sat 27-Mar-21 09:10:30

Other couples often have financial arrangements which I would consider unworkable. I knew a couple who wrote down every item of food, household expenditure they purchased individually during the week and then sorted out payment at the weekend. Just couldn't be bothered with that.
If this has only become a problem since retirement grandmacarole then you need to sit down together and change things. If there is not enough in the account to cover the wine then don't buy it. This resentment will only escalate if you don't have a talk about it.

honeyrose Sat 27-Mar-21 09:16:23

Yes I too find this a strange financial arrangement Grandmacarole, but if it normally works for you, that’s all that matters. Clearly it’s not working at the moment, though, so you need to speak to him about it and possibly get yourselves a joint account for household expenses or he needs to increase the monthly allowance to you to cover the cost of the wine.

suziewoozie Sat 27-Mar-21 09:18:25

I agree soda.The real issue is having a system that both sign upto as fair and acceptable to both and has nothing to do with any nonsense about who earns most, has the bigger pension in terms of decision making. You’re so right about resentment - if the source of it is left unaddressed it will only fester and grow.

Jaxjacky Sat 27-Mar-21 09:44:04

I find your finances not to my particular liking and now you’ve retired a review might be in order. I don’t know how the existing £150 gets to you, direct debit, cash? He either needs to set up a direct debit for the £50 to you, or join a wine club himself for delivery, he might enjoy selecting some different wines, offers etc.

Visgir1 Sat 27-Mar-21 11:00:53

Crumbs! That's different for this day and age. Think the above comments answers the question.
But if anything was to happen to him would you be able to access the bills, utilities if all in his name, what a nightmare easier if the payments came out of a joint account.

Polarbear2 Sat 27-Mar-21 11:05:37

Visgir1

Crumbs! That's different for this day and age. Think the above comments answers the question.
But if anything was to happen to him would you be able to access the bills, utilities if all in his name, what a nightmare easier if the payments came out of a joint account.

This is really important. I had a friend who had had no input to or access to money. Her OH died suddenly and she was completely adrift. We even had to teach her what a debit/credit card was. I’m not saying you’re in that position but it’s important you know what’s what regards household finances.

Artaylar Sat 27-Mar-21 11:09:09

Married for 10 years, during which time our respective financial circumstances have differed.

At times I've been the main breadwinner and have paid for everything. Now the tables are turned and DH pays for everything.

No matter whose name the money is in, we each of us regard it as our money.

cc Sat 27-Mar-21 11:19:22

If this is bothering you I think I'd just "forget" to buy the wine and suggest that he nips out and buys it himself.
I have more cash to spend than my husband and buy all the day to day shopping and we each pay some of the direct debits for the other bills. He pays for any work on the house and for all the car expenses.
We used to have a joint account but found that we both paid for things when they needed paying and hardly ever used the joint account so we got rid of it. We've been together for more than 50 years and don't feel the need to split things exactly down the middle.

Lucca Sat 27-Mar-21 12:09:38

Looking forward to OP reaction to the answers here........

I agree it seems an odd way to carry on.

DiscoDancer1975 Sat 27-Mar-21 12:20:49

I don’t understand the way you do your finances either. It’s joint money, you’re married. The idea of one of you owing the other money is alien to me.

timetogo2016 Sat 27-Mar-21 12:42:44

Just stop buying it,unless he pays you upfront.

Grammaretto Sat 27-Mar-21 13:43:51

My DH died just before Christmas and although we had a joint account and I had been dealing with most household bills for years, including our car, I am still trying to sort out some of his business. Just when I think it's all sorted I get a nasty shock when I find there are direct debits still being paid each month.

We also had our own personal accounts, credit cards, pensions and probably investments.

I may need a financial advisor yet!

I agree, you should not be buying his wine if you are not even drinking it. Gross unfairness.

But I don't know why you are getting all these unkind messages implying you have been doing things wrong all these years. You haven't. There are many different ways to live.

Esspee Sat 27-Mar-21 13:54:49

It is an unusual way of working but if you are happy with it simply ask him to raise his monthly contribution to £200.

Oopsadaisy1 Sat 27-Mar-21 14:07:34

Well I find it odd too, but if he isn’t contributing to his wine then I think that we GNers will have to find the OP some really cheap, but not very cheerful, wine for her OH.

Maybe we could Google it and find her some?

My suggestion is
Cardboardeau (wine in a box) might do the trick and should last him for a while........