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Am I right to feel resentful?

(124 Posts)
grandmacarole Fri 26-Mar-21 21:48:47

Been married 46 years this year, always been happy my husband is lovely and kind. We retired almost 2 years ago he has easily quadruple pension income than I do. He pays all bills and I do food towards which he contributes £150 a month to top up my pension. He asked me to start getting him two bottles of wine a week with the shopping saying he would transfer the money, which he did. But now hasn’t done so for over a month so an extra £50 or so on the shopping cost this month. Am I wrong to feel a bit hurt about this I can’t really afford it and have asked him to start paying again. I don’t drink it is purely his.

jeanie99 Sun 11-Apr-21 23:51:33

I have a friend who has this type of financial arrangement with her husband, they have been married getting on for 60 years. It's always seemed very strange to me but everyone to their own arrangements about money.

I would certainly say purchases like drinks are separate to food and he should purchase these himself or at least transfer the money to your account.
I would certainly says something about it don't let it go on.

stephenfryer Sun 11-Apr-21 18:21:23

Odd, imo, that the OP has not come back on here with some kind of response. Everything that can be said has been said. Much of it over and over!

Strugglepuss Sat 03-Apr-21 23:00:55

I have to make this suggestion although I hope I'm wrong. Is it possible he is starting to show signs of dementia? Our money has always gone into our joint account with me managing all the bills etc. I would give MH pocket money each week. If I forgot. he'd soon remind me. But a couple of years ago I noticed he was no longer asking me for it so I didn't give it to him. It wasn't long before I discovered he had dementia and simply forgot things.

Naninka Wed 31-Mar-21 15:15:50

Tabitha - smile

Daisymae Wed 31-Mar-21 07:48:43

Jackie - I'm sure that you won't get divorced but you would be entitled to half of everything so I would be surprised if you were worse off. I'd be inclined to investigate further in your shoes.

Wizznan1 Wed 31-Mar-21 00:05:17

We will have been married for 44 years this coming Christmas Eve. At first we had separate accounts but found it didn't work very well so we got a joint account. I sort all of the bills out set up direct debits check for best insurance and utility prices' every year then a few years ago my hubby asked me how much we had in the savings accounts and that's when I realized if I pass first Hubby won't know anything about the finances, so I mentioned it to him and we sat and sorted things out. Personally if my Hubby treated me like yours treats you I would buy him the cheapest plonk I could get hold of so he could say this wine is not nice or something like that so you can then say well buy it yourself. Then I think you need a serious talk with him about your finances if he should pass before you because you will be in a right mess, then you can say you would like a joint account so you would have immediate access to the money. If you have not got a will yet then set up a will and get him to give you power of attorney over his finances in case anything should happen to him then you can take over everything straight away.

LMW1 Mon 29-Mar-21 19:35:26

Me and my darling Husband have separate accounts and it works perfectly fine for us.

2020convert Sun 28-Mar-21 20:59:46

Wow five pages of advice/discussion!
As someone else said - the op hasn’t posted since her initial set up.
Think that says it all.
Line of Duty calls now

welbeck Sun 28-Mar-21 20:33:59

Jaxie, have you taken professional advice, and are you sure tht you would be worse off if you divorced. that really is no way to live, and if you were my friend/relative i would be urging you to find a better life. all the best.

Tabitha Sun 28-Mar-21 20:24:58

Thanks for kind comment Naninka. I probably should have not posted earlier on as a) I was in the darkest of a dark place, never a good idea to post then maybe and b) I was " piggy-
backing"on someone else,'s post/ problem, also probably not a good idea. Anyway I appreciated your PS!

Juneandarchie1 Sun 28-Mar-21 20:15:13

I always buy the wine because it’s me that drinks it ! Partner buys his own beer.

effalump Sun 28-Mar-21 19:18:38

Have you noticed any other little quirks that have suddenly appeared. I ask this because of his age (I assume at least late 60's) he might have age related cognitive decline. I mention this because when I have done any shopping for my mother, since her early 80's, she always paid me straight away but over the lockdown she has developed Alzheimers at an alarming rate (although I believe this has been excellerated due to having two head traumas in the last four years) and for months has not offered to pay me when I've shopped for her. As a result I've ended up owing quite a lot on my credit card. It might be worth trying to note if he is forgetting to do other things.

Fronkydonky Sun 28-Mar-21 19:00:21

Been married 36 years and money is always in joint accounts. I don’t understand how a couple can function with having to settle up with one another without there being resentment. I have seen many young couples who are setting up home, choosing to have separate bank accounts. It seems to be reverting back to the 1940’s way of living which is odd to me. I earn very little as I work part time and my husband has a decent pension but we never deny one another anything as we share every cent. If my husband asks me to order him some whisky I never begrudge it, because I drink it occasionally too. Life is too short to bicker about money, but if my husband was self centred I would certainly tell him to buy his own whisky or wine.

Nanananana1 Sun 28-Mar-21 18:24:02

Different strokes for different folks I guess!

Why do you want a separate account that is YOUR money? Do you like to treat yourself, spend on frivolities or go out with friends (nothing wrong with any of that). Does your husband spend on things that you consider to be a waste of money (like the wine)?

Resentment doesn't belong in a long term relationship but as others have said, this needs sorting out before it spoils the good stuff you have together

It may be that it isn't really about money at all. What are you afraid might happen? Our fears and our relationship with money runs deep. Talk it over together and he just might understand why it bothers you so much

Jaxie Sun 28-Mar-21 18:13:24

I sympathise as I have been married to Scrooge since 1964. He would never have a joint account as I had no monetary resources at all until I became a mature student, trained as a teacher and started earning, I suffered many humiliations before then, having to beg for money to buy shoes for the children and 25p for tights for myself. Even then our accounts have always been separate. It came to the crunch at my retirement. Because he wouldn’t pay the full stamp when I had the children & was not working for 12 years my state pension is small. He’d been claiming my tax allowance all the years I was working without my realising. I told him that if he wasn’t prepared to make me a decent monthly allowance I should divorce him. That put the wind up the stingy old s-d and he agreed to my demand. Without going into detail I still have to demand money for his half of the cost of presents for children & grandchildren. He never gives me a present. He won’t go on holiday, ever. Why am I still with him? Because I had a poverty stricken upbringing and have no intention of being that poor again, which I probably would be as a divorcee. My advice to you grandmacarole is to tell him that unless he pays for his own wine you won’t shop for it. Ask him how he would feel if you expected him to pay for £50 of makeup or an expensive meal out every month. If your husband is kinder than mine and values you as a person, he can’t object.

montymops Sun 28-Mar-21 17:32:04

We have a joint account - husband orders wine from the Wine Society. He chooses what he wants -Must be quite a weight for you bringing back 8 bottles of wine - liquid weighs a lot.

EmilyHarburn Sun 28-Mar-21 16:43:06

Don't pick up the wine. Ask him to order what he wants to be delivered by Majestic or some other supplier.

I had a friend on a smaller pension that her husband who was paying for the food etc. Sadly when he died she found he was a bigamist and had been running another family. I do hope that is not what your husband is doing.

Cabbie21 Sun 28-Mar-21 16:24:33

Let’s be kind and assume he has just forgotten. The OP needs to ask for the money he owes her. It that so difficult? If he refuses, stop buying the wine. Why should you have to lug it around? Why can’t he buy it himself, or join a wine club?

It is not up to others to criticise or be dismayed at a couple not having a joint bank account. There can be many reasons. We each have children from previous marriages, he has a financial interest in a property etc. I have helped too many women sort out their finances when they are on their own as their husband has always dealt with the bills, so they haven’t a clue, despite having a joint account.
DH and I have separate accounts, though we each pay a sum into a joint household account for bills. When the first lockdown started, we changed our shopping habits and adjusted accordingly. There are a few things we pay separately for eg he pays the TV licence, the tree pruner, I pay the house insurance and the window cleaner, but if either of us were struggling, we would say so and adjust accordingly. It should not become a problem.

Coco51 Sun 28-Mar-21 16:17:06

My OH and I have completely separate accounts - we share costs food, bills and joint purchases, but he pays for his own alcohol in the weekly shop and if I buy something just for me I pay. I wanted a cat so those expenses ate mine, but otherwise we each spend our money as we please.
Makes a huge difference from ex DH who used to regard the housekeeping as something entirely beneficial to me.

Maybe you could suggest to OH that he buys cases of wine or has a subscription to have them delivered or he could arrange a separate delivery from the supermarket for himself

moggie57 Sun 28-Mar-21 16:06:28

tell to get his own bottles of wine . he wants them ,he gets them . strange way of living though ...likes to be in control does he?

Naninka Sun 28-Mar-21 16:00:46

Ps. Tabitha... sorry to hear of your situation and good luck to you too!

Rosina Sun 28-Mar-21 15:58:35

I do find it strange that people have separate accounts. When we married we set up a joint account; our salaries were about the same level, and when I left work to bring up the family my OH's view was that it was 'our' money still, and so it has continued. How can people bicker about the cost of shopping and who should pay when they have decided to share their lives; they live together under the same roof, eating meals at the same time, both using the hot water. A joint account would save any resentment, surely?

Grannygrumps1 Sun 28-Mar-21 15:51:08

Just don’t buy it when you go shopping. Accidentally on purpose forget. Then if he wants it he has to go and and get it himself.

Naninka Sun 28-Mar-21 15:50:34

The money my husband brings in is mine and the money I bring in is mine too! Easy-peasey!
Seriously though, if you've chosen a splitting of funds then you need to sit down with him and have a serious money talk.
Good luck!

Applegran Sun 28-Mar-21 15:50:22

Set up a joint account into which you pay in proportion to your income - so he will put in more than you, which is fair and reasonable. The joint account covers all shared outgoings - including e.g. electricity, council tax, food etc and your separate accounts pay for whatever you like. But the real point is that you need to talk to him - resentment is like a poison and it gets worse if you don't speak up. So talk to him before you want to scream! Talk when you can be calm and sensible - and if he doesn't pay up for the wine, you can explain why you are not ordering it any more. But do talk with him! Marriage is largely about communication, trust, sharing, and listening! Someone said resentment is like swallowing poison and hoping the other person dies - it is you who suffers. Let it go - have a conversation - be truthful - you might say you've found this hard to raise with him but you need to be able to talk about it. Be brave! Be calm! Speak up! You may well find that a measured and calm conversation where you both speak clearly and both listen well makes your marriage a lot happier - I wish you well.