Gransnet forums


Am I right to feel resentful?

(124 Posts)
grandmacarole Fri 26-Mar-21 21:48:47

Been married 46 years this year, always been happy my husband is lovely and kind. We retired almost 2 years ago he has easily quadruple pension income than I do. He pays all bills and I do food towards which he contributes £150 a month to top up my pension. He asked me to start getting him two bottles of wine a week with the shopping saying he would transfer the money, which he did. But now hasn’t done so for over a month so an extra £50 or so on the shopping cost this month. Am I wrong to feel a bit hurt about this I can’t really afford it and have asked him to start paying again. I don’t drink it is purely his.

Doodledog Sat 27-Mar-21 14:09:42


It is an unusual way of working but if you are happy with it simply ask him to raise his monthly contribution to £200.


The OP's financial arrangements have obviously worked for them for many many years, and with respect, she didn't ask for the rest of us to tell he how their own arrangements work, or to be castigated for not having a similar set-up.

The issue, as presented, is that her husband isn't paying for the wine he's asking her to buy, after promising that he would pay. In those circumstances, I think I would probably ask him why he's stopped paying or just stop getting the wine, and tell him why when he asks why it isn't there. Either way, there would be a discussion about it, and if the OP wanted to bring up the apparent inequality of their financial arrangements she could do it then, or if she is happy with things as they are (which is up to her) she can limit the discussion to the wine.

EkwaNimitee Sat 27-Mar-21 14:27:41

I’d be inclined to just stop buying the wine too.
Now you’re all going to disapprove of the financial arrangements my late DH and I had! We had our own accounts, his salary into his, mine into mine. We split the household expenses in proportion to each income. The reason for this was that we’d heard too many tales of one partner being a spendthrift and spending too much, the partner finding out too late when they had a payment stopped. Result: marital disharmony! We didn’t really think either of us was likely to do that but for peace of mind, we made those arrangements and lived happily ever after.

Marydoll Sat 27-Mar-21 14:52:48

I wondered if you are afraid of causing disharmony, by making a fuss, grandmacarole. It is a bit thoughtless of your husband drinking wine and expecting you to pay for it. It must be bothering you, otherwise you wouldn't be asking here for advice.

You have to make the decision, either to deal with it or accept his behaviour. I have to admit it would annoy me.

AGAA4 Sat 27-Mar-21 15:40:32

I would just remind him again that he needs to pay for his wine as your budget doesn't allow for an extra £50. Then tell him you won't be able to get his wine next time you go shopping unless he pays for it.

Janet5116 Sat 27-Mar-21 15:45:20

Married 46 and never shared finances? wow I always thought when you get married you pool your finances, everything. We have separate savings accounts which we use for extra things but our salaries and now our pensions and any money earned on top goes in our online joint account. I can't imagine haggling who pays for what.

ElaineI Sat 27-Mar-21 18:40:29

No way could we have joint accounts as we have totally different ways of dealing with our money and I would not be able to cope with his way. Works out fine though. Why don't you ask him to buy a box of 12 and he could choose different wines to go in it?

Gingster Sat 27-Mar-21 19:19:55

How strange to have separate money. He pays for.......... you pay for. Very odd arrangement for a couple who have been married for so long. 😬

TrendyNannie6 Sat 27-Mar-21 19:29:43

I don’t really get your arrangement, the money that comes into our house is our money to share, from the moment we started living together before we married we have always done this, we don’t owe each other money, I’m quite surprised at that, the thing that he’s doing isn’t lovely or kind, I wouldn’t be buying it full stop I’m afraid

welbeck Sat 27-Mar-21 19:29:44

is this another provocative thread...

Tangerine Sat 27-Mar-21 19:32:10

You say he is lovely and kind so I imagine you are not afraid of him. Just mention the wine and see where the discussion goes. He has maybe just forgotten to pay.

kittylester Sat 27-Mar-21 19:51:58

I too find this bewildering. After 46 years I feel that it shouldn't be an issue.

NotAGran55 Sat 27-Mar-21 21:10:26

I’m not sure that I understand what the problem is Grandmacarole and what you are ‘resentful’ about?

You have a financial arrangement that suits you both .
Your husband asked you to add some items to the weekly shopping for his own use.
He omitted to pay you for some reason.
You have now asked him for the money .

What is the problem?

Eloethan Sun 28-Mar-21 00:55:39

My husband gets a far bigger pension than I do but our money has always gone into a joint account and he would never want to monitor how I spend money.

Presumably your husband is still much better off than you, even though he gives you £250 a month, otherwise why not just pool the money or add your joint incomes together and have half each? As you are on a much more limited income, I think your husband is rather mean.

Lucca Sun 28-Mar-21 10:32:11


is this another provocative thread...

Yes I think so . Another where the OP starts a thread and doesn’t come back.

polnan Sun 28-Mar-21 12:16:27

My husband and I always shared everything
So I also am one of those who couldn’t live like this
But agree
We are all different
Thank goodness

Natasha76 Sun 28-Mar-21 12:19:12

We have joint funds so this problem does not arise and although a 2nd marriage I insisted on joint funds because I'd seen too many arguments amongst my married friends who did not. Who is earning the most has varied throughout our lives but usually me but my husband has started to get capital sums from his parents that also go into a joint pot.
The only way out of this is for you to have a "joint household" bank account which you both pay differing monthly sums into by agreement. In that way it is immediately obvious to both of you when the contributions need adjusting and that is your way in to discuss the reason an increase is necessary openly and together. Its the wine at the moment but it could easily be something else which will put you back in this awkward situation.

Scottiebear Sun 28-Mar-21 12:21:12

I too find separate finances strange, particularly within a long happy marriage. We are retired and DH pensions over treble mine. But our money goes into one joint acc from which bills are paid. Also holidays and individual spends. I can't imagine DH reimbursing me for items specifically for him. I can understand couples each having small separate saving accs for special treats or a rainy day. But otherwise most couples I know combine their incomes.

jaylucy Sun 28-Mar-21 12:21:46

If he's the only one who drinks it, he should be the one that pays for it!
You wouldn't mind if it was an extra £10 or even £20 a month but anything above that imo is beyond a joke!
Maybe you should cut back on the food (especially bits he likes) to balance your food budget? He must have an idea of what you can afford to spend each month? or is the food put on the table, cleaning, laundry and ironing done each week/month and he just accepts it as his right as lord of the manor ?

Nan0 Sun 28-Mar-21 12:22:25

Sit down and say after 46 years a joint account and power of attorney if either of you becomes incapable is a necessity..My husband and I share everythng..If I want/ need shoes or a dress a book a ticket for something I /we buy..same for him or anything for the house if its a big item we discuss..usually oh no the washing machine is unrepairable fridge etc and I go and get it order it..because he trusts my choices..

DaisyL Sun 28-Mar-21 12:23:23

Surely the problem is not how this couple manage their finances but the weird fact that after 46 years together she can't simply tell him that if she's going to buy the wine she needs more money. Don't they talk to each other? An accountant friend once told me that every couple manages their money differently. Whatever works - but at the moment this isn't - but that is surely lack of communication.

TerryM Sun 28-Mar-21 12:24:02

I have no savings account jointly with my husband . We used to but didn't use it so we closed it
His pensions go into his account , mine into mine. I pay all the bills out of my account. Every few weeks he transfers all bar a $100 or so over to me and on we go .

Sparkling Sun 28-Mar-21 12:24:25

Why wouldn’t all the money whomever it’s from go into the same account? You are equals so shouldn’t have to ask for money, it doesn’t matter who earns more as you’re a partnership. When the first one dies everything goes to the remaining partner anyway. I have come across partnerships that keep finances separate but it always sound very unfair. I know one partnership where they buy their own food.

4allweknow Sun 28-Mar-21 12:27:03

Are you saying with the extra you are paying for wine your and your funds alone are being depleted? Goodness knows what will happen if food prices shoot up or he wants fillet steak regularly. If I have picked up correctly you are going to be left with no funds due to the cost of wine. Surely this can't be right. Just tell DH you can't afford the wine. He can always join a wine club and have wine delivered.

orly Sun 28-Mar-21 12:28:48

One of my daughters lives in this way with her partner and it annoys me intensely - borrowing money of each other to pay the bills even though she earns more than him but the house is in his name only and she's just taken out a loan to but their 4 year old lease car. She's a they have two children together and she's just about to go back to work after maternity leave.
A bit of a deviation from the question, I know, but like manty other posters I find it strange that people of our age live in this way. All our accounts are joint apart from ISA savings and bonds etc and all bills and purchases come from the joint funds which have always been "our money" since we married 41 years ago.

Albangirl14 Sun 28-Mar-21 12:29:32

Thats what I was thinking Visgirl. We have joint accounts and Power of Attorney for each other to act if needed.