Am I right to feel resentful?

A bit strange I agree, but different strokes for different folks. Not being morbid, but I think joint finances are easier to sort out when the inevitable happens - no nasty shocks if you both have full access/disclosure. Not sure of the reasoning behind this arrangement except that your DH has more income than you. This was the case with my late husband - he earned twice my income but we both had joint access/spending power, so my question would be what’s he afraid of ?

Since the day we got married we had joint checking, savings, investments etc. I’ve never had my “own” money since age 23. It’s all been mine in my head and still is!
My husband has had little interest in money other than to check we always had enough in a current account to pay mortgage, bills etc.
We are all different and it’s often hard for us to imagine living our financial lives any other way.

Oh dear, this is so alien to me as my late husband and I always had a joint account, so I don’t know how much use my advice would be. I think I’d make a joke of it next time he asks you to pick up up his wine, and say you’ll hold it in a safe place for him until he transfers the money. If he’s got a sense of humour he’ll make a joke back but pay you. Good luck x

Get the wine delivered monthly by someone like Majestic or Waitrose and pass the bill over to him. It doesn't sound like much when you ask for a couple of bottles of wine but over a month it does add up. Do it that way and he'll realise the real cost.

We do not have a joint account, purely because my partner would be dipping into it and I would have nothing.We do shopping for household things, them share the amount ,it works for us, even if I loose out sometimes!

I do not find the finance arrangement of the OP strange. I have never had a joint account either with my Husband who I am by now divorced from or my long term partner.
I really cannot see the OP'S problem though. All she needs to do is stop buying the wine, and he can get it himself.

You asked him to start paying for his wine again and he hasn't? Well by the way you two operate your finances, he owes you for what he hasn't paid for...so I would say in a freindly way that he owes you money and you won't be buying any more wine until he pays what he owes, additionally there will be other limitations put on what groceries you buy until the hole in the budget has been filled. Going forward of course he will need to give you the money up front. If you and he are happy to have your finances on a business footing then that's fine, your choice but he must expect to see business practices and solutions.

I'm joining the gang here - I dont understand your financial arrangement either

I don’t think there’s anything unusual about having separate accounts, although my DH and I have joint accounts ourselves and we prefer things that way.

As an IFA who specialises in later life planning and dealing with vulnerable clients, there can be very good reasons for keeping savings and investments in sole names, such as in the event of one half of a couple needing long term care.

I have a lot of clients who keep their finances completely separate and like me to carry out their financial reviews separately. Some share the information with each other and others choose not to.

However, they often want me to know what they both have so that, in the event of anything happening to either of them, I can help the other deal with any issues!

There’s no right or wrong approach as long as it works for the couple. Here, it sounds like it’s not working for OP and that definitely needs addressing before it becomes more serious as, from what’s been said, this is only a recent problem.

As a few others have suggested, the wine drinker may enjoy selecting and ordering wines from one of the many specialist companies who’ll deliver it to the door. It’s certainly something I’d be considering suggesting if I was speaking with a friend or client in the same situation.

We have always had joint accounts. OH earned shedloads more money than me and his pensions are more plentiful than mine. But, as he says, it’s our money. As someone said earlier, when the inevitable happens and one of us goes under that proverbial bus, finances will be much easier to sort out.

Seems very odd to me. We both have incomes but my husband is willing to pay for everything. If I offer to pay for insurance renewal or something, he is so grateful. He has just always felt it’s his place to provide for the family.

We have always had separate money. We both contribute to the household account to pay for food and bills and we keep the rest separate. I don’t want someone looking over my shoulder every time I buy a new pair of shoes and he doesn’t want me complaining about how much he spends at the pub. We have never had an argument about money. I guess this only applies if you have similar incomes. If you have been a stay at home mum with little pension provision, it’s a different matter.

I think everyone has financial setups which work for them. My husband and I met and married 14 years ago having quite different backgrounds and assets. Our wills are also slightly complicated as we both most things go our children, not each other. Each month we both put the same amount into a joint account for all our joint bills and expenses but are left with money of our own to spend as we choose. Our pensions are comparable but he has lots more in savings than me. Seems to work ok for us.

We've always had 2 joint accounts since we were married 43 years ago: they were each our own individual accounts when we met and so we converted them to joint.
DH has always earned considerably more than me indeed for a while I was a stay at home mum, with virtually no earnings. We have always regarded what's in the bank as belonging to each of us, so like others here I would find it strange, in a long standing relationship, to have carefully separated finances.

Personally, beyond the money for wine, I'm more concerned about your long term security. If something should happen to him will you be financially secure. I agree with not buying any more unless he gives you what you've already agreed to.

We too pool all our resources but a long term friend has a similar ‘his and mine’ set up. After over 50 years of marriage the husband still gives her housekeeping money in CASH each week. Any money she saves from that becomes ‘hers’. Consequently she is very parsimonious, never spending more than the bare minimum on groceries. They are well off, owning several rental properties. What an old-fashioned arrangement!

I'd cut down on the food costs next month. On day 3 he's bound to ask "what sausages again". You, of course, can have fillet steak!

It seems a strange arrangement but we're all different. I hesitate to say he doesn't sound kind. Do you ever see his bank 'personal' account? The easiest way is to forget the £50 overspent but simply ask for his food contribution to be increased to £200 a month. Good luck with this issue.....

I sympathise with your situation Grandmacarole. But can go one better than you since the last day or two! (Sorry, that's not very helpful to your situation is it? I agree with others, ask him to buy his own wine or maybe he could join something like The Wine Society and order himself a crate a month, say, for home delivery?) My long term partner, 15 yrs older than me, moved into my house at start of lockdown last year. I was happy about this as I didn't want to be on my own and we were quite a good team: he deals with most of the dog walking(energetic dog!) and I run the car, shop, cook, wash it up, do the laundry etc. Up till now he has paid me half the food bills and utilities. I don't charge him rent as his room (separate bedrooms now) is only a single room in a small box room. He has his own flat which up until recently was rented out to a lodger but now he says he can't rent it out post Covid, no takers. He is a bad businessman with poor judgement ( that's why I have never mixed money or property with him) and over course of last year or so has given away 100k to a dodgy ( my words!) Ugandan builder who he didn't know before to run an equally dodgy deal selling things in Uganda. Of course builder cannot now go to Uganda to sort things out ( Covid,how convenient). Builder is living rent free in another house my partner owns as he " cannot afford the rent" and my partner thinks that if he evicts him then builder will be off into thin air and any chance of him ever seeing any of his money again is gone. But now partner says he cannot afford to pay me half the utilities any more,can he pay what he owes me at end of year? Chances of that slim I feel. I know what a mug I must sound and am terribly depressed about it, but I don't want to live on my own and taking over most of the dog duties does give me freedom to get on with other things. I would add that I adore the dog and exercise him too, separately! Partner says if he has to pay half my utilities then he will have to move back to his flat which I feel is emotional blackmail. Anyone else been in the same situation/ any advice? I am working on a better/ more independent life for the future (am mid 60's) to wean myself off this overly dependent relationship but I need time to implement plans. Sorry this is a long and self absorbed post but I am finding it so depressing. Know I have got myself into this situation and it is up to me to get myself out eventually but I don't have the courage to do it right now,

You ask if you are right to feel resentful. No you are not. Being resentful will help neither of you. It will just contribute to a very poisonous atmosphere that will make you both very unhappy. You need to sit down together and discuss how you run your finances. Couples do things differently and perhaps there is no right way of doing it. But finances should be done in a way that makes you both happy.
I gave up paid employment to look after our family and although I could have gone back to work if I'd wanted to, we were in the fortunate position of it not being necessary. My lovely husband worked in an all consuming job - but he'd have done exactly the same thing if I had gone back to work. I ran the house and raised the children. The money he earned was always OUR money as we both contributed to the smooth running of our home. It may not have suited everyone but it worked for us. Neither of us felt any resentment in regards to the financial situation and if he hadn't been a high earner, I would have gone back to work in a heartbeat to save him any worry. I think they call it 'love'. If you love your husband, talk to him and sort things out. Don't fester.

Everyone has their owe financial set up,probably best thing is to suggest your husband goes to the Liquor store and picks up a dozen bottles at a time or buys the cardboard boxes.Say too heavy for you,nuisance picking up wine etc. and suggest you go together and he can choose what he really wants——- he probably doesn’t even think about the cost.

Certainly, stop buying wine for him.

When he mentions it, tell him you cannot afford to pay for it, and he hasn't, so no wine.

And please ignore all those on here, who are commenting upon a state of affairs you did not ask them to.

Had you never bought wine with the groceries before? That is what I find strange....this sudden request to put it on the shopping list.... Anyway....just stop buying it...simple.

I think this is yet another symptom of a marriage that you are getting more frustrated with grandmacarole. You posted earlier this month that your husband was ‘driving you mad’ with you running round doing all housework and chores while he is enjoying his retirement volunteering and going out.
The advice then was to talk to him about what you both wanted from your shared retirement. The financial issue needs to be added to the list of things you need to talk about.

I like others, have always had a joint account with my OH. The money we both earned has always been collectively ‘ours’. I cannot imagine being paid an allowance by my DH!

As others have said, if you cannot come to an agreement for him to pay you the money he agreed for the wine, stop buying it.

I feel additionally that it’s only good manners for an OP to return to a post they started and at least acknowledge the replies they have generated. You didn’t do that in your post earlier this month either.

Set up a joint account into which you pay in proportion to your income - so he will put in more than you, which is fair and reasonable. The joint account covers all shared outgoings - including e.g. electricity, council tax, food etc and your separate accounts pay for whatever you like. But the real point is that you need to talk to him - resentment is like a poison and it gets worse if you don't speak up. So talk to him before you want to scream! Talk when you can be calm and sensible - and if he doesn't pay up for the wine, you can explain why you are not ordering it any more. But do talk with him! Marriage is largely about communication, trust, sharing, and listening! Someone said resentment is like swallowing poison and hoping the other person dies - it is you who suffers. Let it go - have a conversation - be truthful - you might say you've found this hard to raise with him but you need to be able to talk about it. Be brave! Be calm! Speak up! You may well find that a measured and calm conversation where you both speak clearly and both listen well makes your marriage a lot happier - I wish you well.

The money my husband brings in is mine and the money I bring in is mine too! Easy-peasey!
Seriously though, if you've chosen a splitting of funds then you need to sit down with him and have a serious money talk.
Good luck!