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Feeling hurt and saddened

(51 Posts)
Frogsinmygarden Tue 13-Apr-21 11:02:58

My husband recently called someone on TV a derogatory not very nice name which has upset me greatly. Why? Because the person on TV has a similar illness to me. It just came out of his mouth. Without thinking. It was in relation to his (TV persons) illness and how it affects him. I was shocked and upset at the word he used because it made me question if my husband sees me like this too? When I questioned him about it he immediately backtracked and said I have twisted his meaning! I don’t see how I could have. It’s left me feeling bewildered and questioning how he sees me. We’re not speaking at the moment because he thinks I’ve overreacted. I can’t un-hear what I heard. I feel like something has changed between us. 😢

CafeAuLait Tue 13-Apr-21 11:20:36

I can understand it would be upsetting to you to hear that from your husband. He probably doesn't think of you in the same way. My father tends to make comments about people with different experiences, forgetting how hurtful it can be to those of us who have experienced whatever he is making derogatory comments about. The reason he does it is that he sees us as different from 'them', so doesn't equate the two. Hopefully this will make your husband think and he will apologise.

Frogsinmygarden Tue 13-Apr-21 22:46:56

Thank you CafeAuLait. Maybe I am overreacting and maybe I should apologise. Something to think on. 🙏

Chestnut Tue 13-Apr-21 23:50:54

You don't say whether this was a drama, a soap or a documentary. If it's a character in a series then I don't think you should take this seriously. My daughter and I often joke about soap characters and their possible outcomes in a way we would never speak about real people. We say quite shocking things! But they are imaginary characters who the script writers have woven a story around, and it all means nothing because they are not real. We don't have any feelings about these imaginary people, including their illnesses, and we don't take the story seriously at all. Your husband may be thinking of this person in a similarly dismissive way, which bears no resemblance to real life and real people. I don't know this, but it's a possibility if he's anything like us!

crazyH Wed 14-Apr-21 00:06:31

Towards the end of my marriage, I was called the most awaful names, personal remarks that it even hurts thinking of those words....attacking the shape of my body, the way I walked etc. Too painful to remember, so I’d better stop.....I lost all confidence and never looked for another, though I did have one or two offers. Good luck frogsinmygarden. Don’t get too

welbeck Wed 14-Apr-21 02:20:55

maybe neither of you should apologise.
but file it away in your mind; may make sense later if revealed to be part of a pattern.
what's the relationship like generally.
are you supported, encouraged, appreciated, celebrated.

sodapop Wed 14-Apr-21 09:10:06

I agree with CafeAuLait your husband probably spoke without thinking and didn't equate the two things. I can understand that you felt hurt, don't fret about it things can easily be blown out of proportion at the moment.

Teddy123 Wed 14-Apr-21 10:42:43

No don't apologise! You've done nothing wrong and feel hurt by his comments. But definitely file it away. Hopefully he'll be more careful in future.

jaylucy Wed 14-Apr-21 10:43:46

I think your husband should apologise.
You pointed out to him that you were upset by what he said.
If you think that you can take it, ask him the question. If he is in relatively good health , he probably have absolutely no idea how you are feeling and why you reacted like you did. If you are suffering in silence, he will be thinking that you are coping fine !
I have lost count of the number of relatives and also some friends that have died over the last few years and their OH's are either in blissful ignorance of the illness they have often actually died from or , with one aunt who I know struggled each day with arthritis, my uncle just brushed it off by saying "well it didn't affect her in any way" when I had seen her crying from the pain in her hands.

kwest Wed 14-Apr-21 10:44:16

Do you define yourself by your illness? That in itself can become very tiresome for the person living with the 'victim'.
Passive aggressive statements can become almost unconscious from people who involuntarily find themselves to be carers.
No one wishes illness or disability onto another but how often do we think about the person who lives full-time with the sadly afflicted person? It takes a lot of skill, compromise and expertise on both sides to be part of such a relationship . Neither partner has necessarily been trained in this new and unasked for role in life. They don't always get it right.

Doodledog Wed 14-Apr-21 10:55:17

I think that this illustrates how important language can be in making people feel bad about themselves. It is easy to scoff at 'wokeness', but often it is simply a consideration of others, and an attempt to show that individuals are not defined by one aspect of themselves (colour, race, age, disability, whatever).

I hope that you and your husband can discuss this. He probably didn't mean to be hurtful, and slips of the tongue happen to us all, but it is important that he takes your feelings on board, and I hope that this happens now that he realises what he has done, even if he didn't mean to.

NemosMum Wed 14-Apr-21 11:11:02

I think lots of people put 'family' in different mental category to everyone else, and whilst your husband might have a less than politically-correct view of a fictional character, or someone else, he doesn't necessarily think of you in that way. Okay, so perhaps his remark was thoughtless, but it is you who are putting yourself down. Remember, nobody can make you feel bad about yourself without your collusion! If the attitude your husband's remark betrays is not true, you don't have to 'own' it - it's just rubbish and you don't need to give it any space in your mind.

icanhandthemback Wed 14-Apr-21 11:18:17

Well said, Doodledog. I also have a lot of empathy with kwest's post. It can be terribly difficult for the sufferer and the carer to come to terms with a long term illness and this can breed some very conflicted feelings.
I suspect in this case, if OP's husband is usually understanding and thoughtful about her condition, he probably resents the illness rather than the person. I expect there are times when the OP feels the same about her illness but can express this without anybody getting hurt in the process. Her husband probably feels he couldn't do the same without hurt but the statement was more of a pressure release than they way he feels about the OP. If he is a carer, he can get support from others in a similar position, just ask your GP about services in the area.

SylviaPlathssister Wed 14-Apr-21 11:20:02

I had ME for approximately 4 years until I slowly recovered ( one of the lucky ones) my husband who was in a Science based occupation, said frequently that there was no such illness. It felt very lonely. . Because It was very difficult to diagnose
They were amongst the hardest years of my life. I woke up everyday feeling exhausted with pains in my muscles and eventually depressed. I had lots of small needy children, a huge house, and a husband who was constantly eying me up for some ‘ action’ It was a nightmare.
However, we survived and now the tables are turned and he is ill. I have to bite my tongue to remind him of the way he treated me.
Life is far from fair.

TimetoBlossom Wed 14-Apr-21 11:25:19

I'm so sorry you have been hurt but I am sure that it was a thoughtless remark at a character and that your husband did not relate it to you in any way. The fact he backtracked immediately should reassure you.
We can be very sensitive about things that make us feel 'lesser' and this sometimes makes us read meanings into conversations and situations that just aren't there. The worst thing for both of you is 'not speaking,' because it does not resolve anything and will make you both feel bad. Discuss it. Lay it to rest and move on together :-)

Buffybee Wed 14-Apr-21 11:35:00

He may have made the remark about the person on tv and how his illness affects him, knowing that you cope with the same illness much better.

Daftapath Wed 14-Apr-21 11:41:00

I don’t think you have done anything wrong. It is completely understandable to feel hurt and to question how he feels about your illness after what he said.

He is being defensive and trying to turn the tables to make it your fault. A more appropriate reaction from him would have been for him to have been mortified that he had (hopefully, inadvertently) upset you and to apologise to you and reassure you that he doesn’t feel the same way about you and that he understands why what he said was hurtful. If it was a thoughtless comment, he would think again about what he said and how you have interpreted it and realise that he was wrong to have said it.

I guess it depends on whether this is a one off. Do you often apologise to him in order to keep the peace? Is he often defensive in his responses to you?

Buffy Wed 14-Apr-21 11:44:57

My father often made derogatory remarks to people (my husband included) not meaning any harm at all. He was ignorant and we would be so embarrassed and sometimes hurt for the people. When we would point out his rudeness/ignorance he would be quite amazed as he liked the people he was insulting.
Don’t be hurt. He didn’t mean you.

ALANaV Wed 14-Apr-21 12:00:41

Men ! ha ha ...sorry you are feeling hurt and sad ....I think its a man thing late husband, when I was diagnosed with terminal cancer, told me to 'stop making things up' ...I even had to drive myself to hospital for the chemo and back (and anyone who has had chemo will know what I mean ....bowl on the passenger seat, towel handy .....aargh !) no sympathy or understanding. A few years later (I was given a new treatment by my professor in Bordeaux and thus I am still here, some 12 years later !) my husband was diagnosed with Parkinsons which alters their personality ...I often wonder if that was the beginning as he became aggressive, nasty and hurtful ....has your husband had any medical check ups of late ? before the Parkinson's diagnosis, the doctor suggested he might have Narcissistic personality disorder (wherein a worth keeping a (secret !) note of these incidents so that if he ever develops more personality changes you have a log of these things, and a time line. Good luck

Purplepoppies Wed 14-Apr-21 12:01:42

My step father shouted at me whilst I was trying to help my mum with her oxygen one night.
He was vicious and nasty and really upset my mum (and me obviously).
I think he was trying to down play exactly how much help she actually needed at that stage because he knew he was going to struggle to help her when I left.
My point is some people just don't want to accept the illness or frailty of a loved one and therefore overlook it entirely.
But I don't believe you should apologise to him at all.
Maybe a conversation with him about your condition and exactly how it affects you when he's stopped sulking might be in order?
In the meantime, do nothing for the grumpy bugger.....

GardenofEngland Wed 14-Apr-21 12:06:20

I agree with chestnut we do the same with characters on TV and don't treat them as real, which they aren't. I've given up with being offended life's too short!

Blossoming Wed 14-Apr-21 12:07:28

Frogs Mr. B has never done anything like this, but I’ve lost count of the number of times family have. I now just smile pityingly at their ignorance. Different when it’s your life partner though. I would pick a time to talk to him and calmly explain how it made you feel and why.

grandtanteJE65 Wed 14-Apr-21 12:26:18

If you are considering apologising for what he sees as over-reacting to his remark for the sake of peace, then yes, it might be the best way to get back to something like normal.

Unfortunately, an apology from you will make your husband think he was right in considering your remark unreasonable.

You will still feel hurt, whether you apologise to him or not.

Frankly, I don't think you have any reason to apologise, to me he made an unthinking remark that hurt you.

However, I think most of us, both men and women, have at times apologised for something that we really did not think needed an apology for the sake of peace.

If you decide to accept the blame in this instance, ask yourself what you will do if the same thing happens again?

Will you ignore it - be able to ignore it? Or will you then feel better able to explain exactly why you felt the remark was hurtful?

I can well believe that your husband made the remark without thinking (stopping to think) that it had any application to you, so perhaps if you can let it go, you should.

Unigran4 Wed 14-Apr-21 13:06:51

My very dear friend has a terminal and painful illness, but wherever I go, I am always being asked "Is (name) better yet". They even ask her that knowing full well she will not ever get better. It's head in the sand stuff and thoughtless.

Is your husband generally thoughtless? Forgets birthdays? Doesn't notice when you are distressed? Likes things his own way? If he is thoughtless, I would accept that as his trait and move on.

Sending hugs for an upsetting time.

hamster58 Wed 14-Apr-21 13:16:09

I can imagine if you’re unwell in any way, this gets you down, and so any person making a remark that seems to belittle how you feel is hurtful. If the other person is well, you’re likely to feel sort of ‘left behind’ by then anyway. I don’t think you have anything to apologise for, it would be nice if your husband understood how you feel, even if he thinks you made the wrong assumption, and reassure you. I hope that happens. If you hate silences-I would-I would write him a note briefly explaining how you feel and ask for/hope you can have a chat and clear the air as best possible.