Gransnet forums



(39 Posts)

GNHQ have commented on this thread. Read here.

cher45 Fri 09-Jul-21 10:44:43

We have had separate bedrooms for 20years we dont speak he
cant with out be nasty everything that happens is my fault doesnt eat with us works 7 days a week rest of time in room in bed eats in room pastys and crisps chocolate like a teenager I cut grass get workmen to do work on house has was bought with view to do up ?? I cant take anymore just lost job I had having timeoff to look after daughter just returned after gaslight relsoionship took over dose he said after laying in bed at 4am when all started no surprised living with you I have started taking to lawyers Its hard giving up on home scared of later life alone but cant face with him help!!!

DiscoDancer1975 Fri 09-Jul-21 11:09:44

Cher, it all sounds horrible, but sorry, couldn’t follow some of it. Who took the overdose? Does your daughter live with you?
However, if you’re talking to lawyers, you’ve made the first brave step. You obviously need to be out of this relationship, as talking clearly doesn’t work, and it’s been 20 years.
Sorry, I can’t offer any more advice, except perhaps to look after your mental health. Do talk to your GP if you can.
I wish you all the very best?

wildswan16 Fri 09-Jul-21 11:14:53

You have made the first step - that is always the hardest. The thought of all the changes to come will feel overwhelming - but it often works out easier than you expect.

Keep remembering how peaceful life will be when you are able to live in your own home. It may be smaller, or not as nice as where you are now - but your happiness will make up for that.

cher45 Fri 09-Jul-21 11:31:28

sorry Yes daughter come back when the broke up I just dont know what to do

Kestrel Fri 09-Jul-21 11:46:58

Maybe contact CAB and get some info about what to do next? They are outside of the situation and can give you some pointers about how to go forward.

Infinity2 Fri 09-Jul-21 11:47:26

My friend’s daughter was in the same situation as you are but finally made the break. That was four years ago. After all the difficulties and problems she faced in the first year, her life has completely changed. She is happy and recently met a very decent man who she is going to marry. Reach out and get as much help as you can. Contact Women’s Aid, Citizens Advice, the Samaritans - anyone and everyone you can think of that may be able to help.
However dark and desperate things may seem at the moment, life CAN be better for you. And you can make a new, different, but better life in later life. Sending you all good wishes and all future luck ?

BlueBelle Fri 09-Jul-21 12:08:10

Oh dear it’s hard to follow your story but you’ve had enough basically …..get out as soon as ….being alone is a dream compared to living with someone you no longer can stand or love or who treats you badly nothing to be afraid of being alone
Can you and your daughter look for somewhere together
See a solicitor and get their help, get some counselling, set the ball rolling without wasting another minute
Good luck and keep coming here for lots of support

Hithere Fri 09-Jul-21 12:25:05

So you have basically no relationship with your husband for 20 years but live in the same house?
If so, run to a lawyer and get a divorce. Take control of your life instead of letting things happen to you

Your daughter came back after a breakup- is she the one who overdosed?

Support your daughter get back on her feet.
If she is the one who overdosed, she needs professional help for her addiction and dont enable her.

cher45 Fri 09-Jul-21 12:33:10

no addiction wanted to kill her self been in hospital I took her we are getting some help thanks

Hithere Fri 09-Jul-21 12:35:02

So sorry to hear that.
She still needs professional help.

Chardy Fri 09-Jul-21 12:37:01

Love to you and your daughter

NotSpaghetti Fri 09-Jul-21 13:20:58

Be brave. Speak to Women's Aid, the CAB and a solicitor (they will normally give a free half hour).

It may seem scary but once over you are a free person again.

Good luck.

Redhead56 Fri 09-Jul-21 16:57:33

You do have a lot on your plate I am sorry you are having this terrible time. Take advice about Women’s Aid and CAB information is really important take notes if you feel it will help. You and your daughter can support each other it will give you strength. There will be light at the end of the tunnel be strong and take care ?

cher45 Sat 10-Jul-21 09:56:06

thanks I m just not strong enough to fight this feel its too late
Thankyou all

Caleo Sat 10-Jul-21 11:41:48

I imagine it is hard for Cher's husband to work seven days a week.

Why should Cher not cut the grass herself?

I hope you are okay financially, Cher. That seems to be the priority. In the meantime your husband might be in a better mood if you take healthy food to him on a tray. Just something simple but wholesome. He is not an ideal husband but no husband is ideal husband.

jaylucy Sat 10-Jul-21 11:53:59

You have taken the right step in consulting a lawyer as at least you will have someone that has got your back legally.
Have you told him that you are thinking of divorce?
I can't think of anything worse than sharing a house with someone that acts like he is and I don't know how you have put up with it!
If I was feeling kind, I would say that he possibly is suffering from either depression or some other mental health problem but you need to make plans for a life without him in it.
Without him, and your daughter, what would you like to do ? Is there anywhere else you would like to live besides where you are?
I think you need to make plans for your own future. You can only support your daughter so far and I hope that, besides you, she has got other support from outside the immediate family or it might be a good idea to ask what she would like to happen - where she would like to live etc and take it from there.
Please don't put up with his behaviour any longer. It is not your fault that he is like he is. See your GP or a counsellor to help you make some steps towards your own future - you are as important as anyone else in this scenario and please don't lose sight of that.

DiscoDancer1975 Sat 10-Jul-21 11:55:30

So sad you’re feeling so low Cher, I think if Cher, needs to take her husband ‘ healthy food on a tray’ Caleo, ‘ to get him in a better mood’, it really is time to leave! I understand what you’re saying about doing work round the house, and organising things. This would all be normal and reasonable within a happy marriage, but this one isn’t. I would bet he works seven days a week, to be out of the way.
Cher, don’t give up, make that call to CAB. You’ll feel so much better making that first step.
I hope it goes well?

grandtanteJE65 Sat 10-Jul-21 12:01:07

It surprises me you have put up with this for 20 years. I hope you can get a divorce quickly.

Whatever happens, and where ever you go from here, I don't think it can possibly be worse than the situation you describe.

I hope it all turns out well for you.

Newatthis Sat 10-Jul-21 12:56:12

Get a good lawyer! Life will be much better for you, don't live with this!

Hithere Sat 10-Jul-21 13:36:11

You need professional help to get out if this relationship, as you have to put up with it for 20 years.

If your daughter grew up in this dynamic, I bet it affected her in her childhood and adulthood.

I am saying this in good faith, not to offend you- how much can you really help your daughter when you feel so lost?

I hope you all get the support you need to get out of this, I know you will succeed in achieving a better outcome in your lives

Hithere Sat 10-Jul-21 13:37:17

You need to put your own oxygen mask first before assisting others - this applies very well here

cher45 Sun 11-Jul-21 09:49:49

I am so grateful for your surpport more than you would ever know !!Caleo I have cooked meals up to last week in fridge then thrown away I have steaks given to dog I have tried!! I worked harder than him in past jobs , No help no time for anyone . I have asked him to see Doctor his mother had mental health problems she didnt eat. I need to look after myself now !! and help kids Move on I just havent the belief or confidence He ll cry when he gets papers promise to get help and change I tried 2years ago I was stupid gave in.

cher45 Sun 11-Jul-21 10:55:52

jaylucy you have been so understanding has have so many

Kamiso Sun 11-Jul-21 11:16:14

If you tried, and he failed before, you know not to trust him this time around. You deserve to have, at the very least, a calm and peaceful life.

Ginny42 Sun 11-Jul-21 11:24:54

Cher I've sent a PM. It's a scary situation, but believe me you can do this. I don't know what you call too late, but I was 68 and now have a totally different and fulfilling life.