Husband becoming obsessed with much younger single neighbour

In your situation, I'd not worry about invasion of privacy, looking at the search history and messages, this involves you and I wish myself that I'd taken more notice of my now ex husband's obsessions over various women, and he did talk about them, he was open, I just thought no younger woman would be interested, until one day one was, she had a thing for older men, her previous husband had been a lot older. I started worrying when he did start taking his phone everywhere, putting it face down, panicking if he thought I might see it, and obsessively messaging/ringing/emailing.
If it's innocent then there will be nothing private discovered, if there is stuff discovered that is concerning you need to know
Almost the best thing that could happen really is that she contacted the police and told them of the harassment, he would get a stern warning.
Whatever is going on you need to know, when I knew there was something going on but not what, honestly it messed with my head so badly. For your own peace of mind you need to know so you can think what to do
Not sure how your son is going to approach looking at the computer/phone but if he will not let him use the computer at all or lend his phone that would be a warning sign . Are you able to go on it? If the phone and computer are linked to a google account you can see the history from both via the google account

Bettinalove, do you have separate finances or a joint account? If the latter I would suggest you set up an account in your own name without delay, withdraw half the money in the joint account(s) and put it in your new account. This will give you independence and also help if your husband is subsequently diagnosed with dementia and unable to manage his affairs.

Reading through some of the replies reminds me that in human nature, anything is possible so if I were you, Bettinalove I would go with my gut reaction.
You are confiding in your DS at the weekend and chances are he will have also picked up on something odd about his father. This has been going on for 5 months, you say so not new but it isn't going away on its own.
Something should be done. DH must confront his delusions.

BlueBelle

Why do I think he might be ill mentally or physically ?
Because a man wanting to have an affair does NOT tell his wife, he is sneaky, he is hiding his obsession he is doing everything to stop you from knowing….but…. your husband isn’t …..hes talking to you about it, he’s asking your opinion, he’s telling you she may be pregnant, he’s sharing his annoyance when people are being entertained He’s not being devious or hiding his interest which is not normal

That is just not how cheating men act and believe me I ve had enough in my life

Some men DO openly flirt with other women and talk about other women in front of their wives. DM used to say she could never turn her back on DF in a shop because when she came back he'd be chatting up six women at once. It's not normal behaviour, but it does happen sometimes and also he got worse (stopped caring / got more selfish perhaps?) as he got older so it became even more hurtful and more obvious that he was not just flirting but actually cheating. Looking back, I dont think he was ever faithful but she put a brave face on if she knew.

There isn’t an affair. He’s got no further than the garden.

There is no stalking. He sends messages that can be blocked should the recipient be minded to.

There is only an elderly man, for the most part entirely harmless, exhibiting excessive behaviours that were not present before.

I’m not sure what a GP can do about preventing such behaviours but since certain medical conditions need to be eliminated as the cause, a visit to the GP would be my first port of call.

Ah come on now, an affair? When he’s in his seventies? Even if the spirit were willing the flesh is surely incapable. Things are bad enough for bettina without setting her to chase that hare.

I hope your son helps to get to the bottom of this, and I hope your husband has just gone a bit odd in lockdown and there’s nothing medically troubling him.

Of course they do onward some men are born flirts, have no thoughts for the partner, and do what they want believing they will never be challenged ( I had one like that) but that is their personality THIS is new behaviour and is obviously not how this man has conducted his behaviour within his marriage and life before and let’s face it it’s far far from normal male ego/behaviour isn’t it ?
To sit for hours watching someone and talk about her having his baby is not normal for an old man who has been (I m presuming) a loyal husband up to now
Bettina I m sure there’s no affair going on at all if he’s sitting drooling or worrying where she is, he’s not out doing anything
If she were remotely interested she’d be ringing him to help her with this or that or to come over and move this or that, he did one thing for her ….5 months ago

He’s either having an (very)old man crisis or is ill, hand it over to your sons to help with but don’t you get obsessed with it watching him, watching her or you ll drive yourself crazy

oh what a silly old fool he is, I'd get hold of his phone at the first chance without him knowing and delete her number! Or 'lose' his phone for good. hopefully she'll tell him to get lost soon.

Could you both try and start some new hobbies or interests. He sounds as if he is very bored and needing some stimulation in life and you sound like you need a distraction from your husband's obsession. Unless he is genuinely unwell then her arrival on the scene has stirred some pretty strong physical and sexual emotions in him....ones he probably thought were long forgotten. He has to agree to seeing the doctor to undertake any tests which I doubt he will agree to. Protect any accounts/money you may have. If he is delusional he may start giving away money or paying to view inappropriare websites. Look to applying for Power of Attorney now. Believe me, many men still have quite powerful sexual urges well in to their 70s and 80s. He may indeed be unwell or he may just be having a very belated midlife crisis.

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muffinthemoo

Ah come on now, an affair? When he’s in his seventies? Even if the spirit were willing the flesh is surely incapable. Things are bad enough for bettina without setting her to chase that hare.

I hope your son helps to get to the bottom of this, and I hope your husband has just gone a bit odd in lockdown and there’s nothing medically troubling him.

Erm. Flesh is incapable in your 70’s? Sorry to disabuse you but that’s just not true. ?. Sometimes I wish!! ???

Quite Polarbear2, I know two mid seventy year old gents who have been having "affairs" lately. It seems to me that something happens in the brain which clouds boundaries and reactions but which isn't dementia. I would have a word with the lady concerned.

I honestly would wait and see what your son advises Bettina I know by this is very distressing for you.

luluaugust

Quite Polarbear2, I know two mid seventy year old gents who have been having "affairs" lately. It seems to me that something happens in the brain which clouds boundaries and reactions but which isn't dementia. I would have a word with the lady concerned.

I think some old men just get more selfish and determined to have what THEY want despite anyone else's suffering. It doesn't sound like Bettinalove's husband is like this, but his behaviour is certainly very inappropriate and upsetting.

I think finding new things to do could help, but Bettina has already said he doesn't want to do things with her.

Having being on the receiving end of unwanted attention from an older man with no seeming boundaries, I would echo that it's definitely not dementia in my case but that the person seems to feel entitled and special- overlooking the fact that he is at a different life stage and not noticing that his behavior is unwelcome. Unfortunately some men have been good looking, charming and flirtatious in their youth and cannot grasp the fact that they are old and their behavior is completely unwanted. There's no fool like an old fool. The one I mentioned talks about women constantly and targets me as one of many "interests". He seems to stalk many women, and is a general pest who many avoid.

I hope your son is really able to get to the bottom of this Bettinalove.

There is nothing to add here really.


I think she is simply tolerating him and as said over and over again, he is obsessed.

His IT lessons are probably so he can appear more modern and up-to-date than he really is!

Thinking of you.

What a disgusting, sexist comment Katie59. I’ve reported it.

I'm thinking of you too and here are some x

“No fool like an old fool”
Reminds me of the Italian PM Berlusconi when he had that 18yr old partner/wife - not sure which.
It was just ridiculous, laughable.

AmberSpyglass

What a disgusting, sexist comment Katie59. I’ve reported it.

Why did you report it?.
Just interested

VANECAM
My step daughter has one such neighbour, but there have been no messages exchanged. Now the police are involved.

I agree with Bluebelles posts.

I do hope this thread doesnt get detailed, and shut down.
I'm concerned for Bettinalove situation and would like her to be able to come back with an up date.

Good luck with the meeting with your son today. It's all very upsetting for you and the family.

Detailed =derailed

I agree with gt66.
Sounds like he has a thing for her and i think he is being verydisrespectful to you.

Me too. I’ve read it 3x and can’t see the problem?? ?

Polarbear2

Me too. I’ve read it 3x and can’t see the problem?? ?

What have you read 3 times Polarbear2?