Wealthy husband won't spend any money

Debbie You say he’s “always been a bit like it” but”has got worse since retirement” with regard to not liking spending money.

Did you go out, or on holidays before he retired? Perhaps your expectations of retirement were not shared. Have you discussed it in a non confrontational way I wonder?

Is it really about not wanting to spend? If it is then he is unlikely to change and it is probably best for you to accept this, disappointing as it is, and enjoy your retirement in ways that satisfy you.
Life is short.

Money is not a measure of equality in a true partnership!

We both worked when we married; I was a stay at home parent until our children went to school whilst my husband's earnings supported the family (we were fortunate that he earned enough to do that); when needed I did evening work to supplement and he looked after kids; we both worked with good salaries for years after that; due to health problems my husband took a 6 month sabbatical and then resigned; I paid all our living costs; (we were fortunate we could do that!) he eventually got a lower paid but enjoyable part time work to supplement that did not exacerbate health issues. Finally with mortgage paid off etc we retired at the same point.
My point is that we made choices together as a partnership for our family and for our partnership based on the money available and our needs but most importantly on supporting each other at different times through different needs and circumstances. To me that is true equal partnership!

kircubbin2000

Germanshepherdsmum

It seems you have no money but want to spend his. How about being grateful that he is keeping you and has been for years, rather than expecting him to take you on expensive holidays. It’s his money, probably accumulated through hard work and being careful, it’s not yours.

Wow!

Yes. WOW. What a terrible thing for Germanshepherdsmum to say.

It is not HIS money, when you marry everything is shared 50/50.

You can have an "equal partnership" without having equal funds you know. Exactly.

I very much dislike the view that if a woman who has little money marries a man who is well off, she immediately lays claim to half his money and is entitled to tell him how to spend it. I find it very distasteful. Each to their own.

I was married to someone who was very mean with his money despite being reasonably well off. He was quite happy for me to pay for all leisure activities, children's clothes and activities etc. It was very wearing and when we finally divorced he had a lot of savings and I had none. I don't see your husband changing at this stage Debbi58 you need to work around it and go out with friends and family. Not what one expects in retirement.

Germanshepherdsmum

I very much dislike the view that if a woman who has little money marries a man who is well off, she immediately lays claim to half his money and is entitled to tell him how to spend it. I find it very distasteful. Each to their own.

for richer, for poorer, are in the wedding vows and she isn't laying claim to it, she just wants to spend time doing nice stuff in her husband's company, she isn't being grasping

So she doesn’t want an expensive foreign holiday?

She seems to want to spend the money, he is cautious because he knows how long it might have to last, she’s on benefits and won’t get her SP for years. They have very different attitudes to money, obviously. A killer in a marriage.

She has a disability and claims a non means tested benefit that exists to contribute towards the extra costs incurred by her having rheumatoid arthritis. I'm sure she'd rather not be claiming it and be pain free.

Our household bills etc were paid from a joint account to which we both contributed. I paid for holiday accommodation, DH paid for petrol and parking and we shared expenses whilst away. At home in general I paid for things for the house, he for things for the garden. We didn’t keep a check.
After that, we each did what we wanted with our own money. In general I saved, he spent - on his hobbies and interests. Fair enough. I would have liked more holidays, more meals out, but he was not keen, so I had holidays alone, eg singing summer school etc.
There are ways of accommodating both attitudes, As long as you do some things together, can you find a friend or relative to go out or away with? He is not going to change now, but I rather think his saying it is too much money reflects his values.

Germanshepherdsmum

I very much dislike the view that if a woman who has little money marries a man who is well off, she immediately lays claim to half his money and is entitled to tell him how to spend it. I find it very distasteful. Each to their own.

Well I agree re the assumption of that but that is not the same as equal partnership ....

Germanshepherdsmum

It seems you have no money but want to spend his. How about being grateful that he is keeping you and has been for years, rather than expecting him to take you on expensive holidays. It’s his money, probably accumulated through hard work and being careful, it’s not yours.

What happened to ‘what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine’. My OH has always earned more money than me but we have a joint account and it’s ‘our’ money.

I was talking yesterday to one of my d.I.ls. and was surprised to hear that my son gives her a monthly allowance. When they go out for a meal, she has to pay her share. I know my son provides well for them, lovely holidays etc. But it did shock me, because I never worked, but always had a joint bank ac with my husband. He is now my Ex. Does that say something ?

Wow , I feel like I've opened a can of worms here. When I met my husband, we both worked full time and owned our own houses. After a year of dating, he asked me to move in with him. I rented my house out for the first year, he then proposed and we married. I sold my house and paid the proceeds of that sale into our joint account. I also paid of the loan he took out to had the loft conversion done . He knew I didn't have a private pension like him but would receive a full state pension. After a few years of marriage I got really poorly and was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis . We seem to have gone off topic here and I've been painting as a money graber , who only married for money. We had no idea of how much his private pension would be at the time .
Germansheperdsmum you ate entitled to your opinion of course, however you are coming across as very judgemental and harsh

I don’t think for a moment that you are grasping Debbie, you would just like to go on holiday and out for meals with your husband, now that you are both retired and can spend quality time together. What on earth is wrong with that? They don’t have to be costly. As others have suggested, during the Summer you could visit beauty spots and take a picnic, during the cooler months go to the cinema, short breaks in the UK can be reasonable if you shop around. Have you any joint hobbies? Or, maybe he has become rather insular and prefers to stay at home pottering. If that is the case, go out with your daughters and your friends. Does he miss working?

Ladyleftfieldlover

Germanshepherdsmum

It seems you have no money but want to spend his. How about being grateful that he is keeping you and has been for years, rather than expecting him to take you on expensive holidays. It’s his money, probably accumulated through hard work and being careful, it’s not yours.

What happened to ‘what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine’. My OH has always earned more money than me but we have a joint account and it’s ‘our’ money.

Not something I have ever ascribed to. We have equally earned what we have, so it’s fine that it’s ours. So often the case that the husband earns more than the wife - not the case with us. I couldn’t be comfortable otherwise. Our financial contributions are equal.

GSM you were fortunate enough to have a very well paid career. A lot of women earn considerably less than their partners - especially if they have taken time out of paid employment to bring up a family. At retirement they will have a much smaller savings pot. Are you suggesting that if a couple in this situation goes on holiday he can travel first class but she can't? Perhaps you'd like her to eat cheaper food too

I agree with GSM that different attitudes to money can be divisive within a partnership. I don’t however agree that each partner should necessarily be self sufficient financially because there are all sorts of reasons why this may not be practical.

A true partnership IMO should be supportive and considerate of one another, in many different ways, including financially, otherwise it
appears somewhat mercenary.

We all have different values I guess.

Everyone is different, I’m old school, if I invite a lady out to a dinner date I expect to pay, if she insisted on paying her share, there would not be a second date. I think most men would think it a negative sign

eddiecat78

GSM you were fortunate enough to have a very well paid career. A lot of women earn considerably less than their partners - especially if they have taken time out of paid employment to bring up a family. At retirement they will have a much smaller savings pot. Are you suggesting that if a couple in this situation goes on holiday he can travel first class but she can't? Perhaps you'd like her to eat cheaper food too

Of course not. But I am saying that a woman in that position shouldn’t be asking her husband to fork out for an expensive holiday and then complaining when he doesn’t want to. The OP seems not to understand that what her husband has may need to last for many years. Why not be content with something less costly?

have you read any of her other posts on this thread?

thank goodness most people know value other than money

I have read the full thread. Nothing changes my mind about a woman trying to get her husband to spend more money than he wishes.

Sounds straight out of the 1950's, given the still existing gap between male and female earnings.

We were in the situation when we got married that I was the main earner but always had a joint account. OH was SAHF (stay at home father!) for a long time but also did lots of home renovation and garden projects so both of us contributed to family life. Even now, in retirement, I have a bigger pension and also inherited more from parents, but we still consider all joint assets. Obviously people's situations are different, but I assumed marriage was a shared enterprise so there should no mention of either partner being a "kept woman", or in our case, "kept man".

I sympathise with OP and realise the issue is not about money- it just seems her husband would rather potter about at home.

Debbie. Sit down and talk to him about it and tell him how you feel. Does he want to be the richest man in the graveyard?
Later life is for doing what you want to do depending on what you can afford.

Some people think meals out are a total waste of money, my husband being one. He is not mean because if I said I wanted a new car he would buy me one. I get round it by calling him a scrooge and in recent years I pay for all our meals out, takeaways etc. he didn’t ask me to I just said I’m doing it so I don’t have to look at your face when the bill comes. He pays all the household bills now and I do meals out and holidays.

I heard from a friend that my old boyfriend and his wife go out for meals with her and her partner. The old boyfriend splits the bill down the middle with them and then halves it again with his wife right down to the last penny!! 😱