Wealthy husband won't spend any money

"I have never been kept by a man and never will be. My marriage is and always has been an equal partnership, neither of us subsidises the other."

I don't think marriage can be viewed as a business arrangement. I believe a good marriage survives because of compromise (give and take if you like) and mutual support. If my late husband had become ill or out of work it wouldn't occur to me not to support him financially. Likewise, it would be beyond his wildest comprehension to leave me at home if I couldn't afford to join him on holiday or for an evening out. It would have been unthinkable.

I do however absolutely agree that women should, wherever possible, be financially independent of their husbands but I don't see the need for a "what's mine is mine" philosophy.

I agree with the above . I don’t think it’s about money . If the OPs husband was concerned about money , why did he retire so young ? . He obviously has different expectations about retirement from the OP. I think a lot of men struggle with retirement and the changes it brings . Maybe the OPs husband is using money as an excuse and he feels more comfortable pottering around at home .

Agreed. Need to find out whats going on under the surface - together, ideally.

David49

Everyone is different, I’m old school, if I invite a lady out to a dinner date I expect to pay, if she insisted on paying her share, there would not be a second date. I think most men would think it a negative sign

A negative sign???

Unbelievable.

This is one of those threads where the OP drip feeds information. She says now that she paid the proceeds of sale of her house into their joint account, but originally talked of her wealthy husband with his private pension. She is not dependent on him for withdrawing money from the joint account to pay for a holiday.

I didn't feel I needed to give my life story, it's not my fault some of you jumped to the conclusion, I only married for money . I was simply asking for advice. It is joint money and I have access to some of it, the large bulk is invested. We also have other joint money in shares etc. Our house is also worth a considerable sum . That said , I still want us to enjoy the money together . Of course we talked about our retirement plans , but 2 years on and we haven't done any of that . My health is not good and he's a long term smoker with a constant cough. I just want to enjoy our life and money before it's too late . I guess my only options are to live with it or divorce him.

I agree with you Debbie58 you should now be enjoying your retirement. You sound very financially secure unfortunately your DH sounds tight. Life's to short and there are no pockets in shrouds.
My DH has just semi retired and we plan to enjoy the time we have He has always been the top earner and has his own company I never had his earning power but have supported him all our married life working and contributing as well as running the family home. Regardless of who earned what we are a partnership.

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Debbi58 if he’s a long term smoker with a constant cough he may not have that long anyway. He could spend his fag money on taking you out. 😉

I just want to enjoy our life and money before it's too late

I can understand. Unfortunately you both have different expectations of what a happy retirement should entail.

I doubt you can change him now unless he is in fact feeling depressed.
Perhaps you could join some clubs eg U3A, the TWG or WI and enjoy some trips and meals out with other people. A friend of mine joined a theatre group and they went on coach trips to theatres in London and other places. Her DH wasn't interested in doing that but she met other ladies on these trips.

There's not much point in being married OP if you don't enjoy at least some of the same things or cherish each other's company. Yes, you can go off on your own or with friends but if that's the only option you might as well be single. Perhaps you should review the whole relationship.

We do things together but are certainly not "joined at the hip" like some couples in retirement.

Dear Debbi58, as Farmor15 said, 'it's not about money'.

The thing about marriage (and exclusive partnerships) is that no one outside of the relationship can tell you what your relationship rules should be. That's a personal choice that you've got to work out with your partner. Everyone has their own "house rules" in this game of love. Everyone has their own breaking points too. The chemistry involved in each union is as varied as waves in the sea.

You said your DH seems happy to potter in his garage or watch tv. That is good that he seems happy with his day. You feel that you would be happy going out for lunch more and have some weekends away. So, I conclude that you would not be happy pottering in the garage or posted in front of a tv screen . You have differing interests, no doubt and a different vision of retirement years. Give him what he wants and give yourself what you want. ( A + B = 2semi-content retirees).

You only have the one life. Share it or don't, but make it worthwhile and also happy for the one you love, if you want to. You made a promise fourteen years ago but things can change and people can settle back into their old selves. You said what you want for yourself but what does he want for you?

(Sorry if I'm rambling here... it is a very important question and a very good post. It is a big question and everyone here could have a very individually different and exactly correct answer! GN can help you with perspectives but cannot answer the personal question that you have silently asked).

THIS IS NOT ABOUT MONEY
it’s about totally different expectations, different needs and different likes He’s retired and lives to just potter and be without deadlines, without organisation, you on the other hand had the dream of retiring together and to do all the things work had stopped you from doing
Two total opposites North Pole and South Pole

All you can do is sit down for a proper talk and look for any compromises Could you start by asking for his company one day a week, if he denies that, and is that selfish then he’s not the man who loves you as much as you thought.

You have the money but not the company ….sad…. Just proves money isn’t everything I bet you d rather be poorer but trotting out for a picnic together
I hope you can find a compromise and a way forward that suits you both I m doubtful though because it should have happened naturally

If he loves the garden, could you persuade him to join the National Trust or other organisation where you could visit lovely gardens? Even if you aren't interested, there is usually a property to look round and/or a lunch or cream tea to look forward to.

More locally there might be gardens open under the National Garden Scheme.

Or is he too miserly for even that?

The main thing is - talk to him!

Perhaps I shouldn't ask this, but is he showing signs of agoraphobia?

Callistemon213

If he loves the garden, could you persuade him to join the National Trust or other organisation where you could visit lovely gardens? Even if you aren't interested, there is usually a property to look round and/or a lunch or cream tea to look forward to.

More locally there might be gardens open under the National Garden Scheme.

Or is he too miserly for even that?

The main thing is - talk to him!

Very wise words.

He needs to see the GP about the constant cough and lethargy.

I don’t see him as miserly. I don’t see either to blame

He just had very different expectations of retirement to Debbie he saw himself resting after a lifetime of working for money, a time to sit still, to stop achieving, to potter, to do nothing, to wind down
Debbie saw it as an opportunity to start living to wind up to start travelling and going out and spending the money
(they /he) had gathered
Two hugely different expectations and dreams and unless a halfway house can be found the marriage isn’t going to go very much further

Does anyone remember that advert, can't remember what product they were advertising but it was a classic.

He says that when they retire he wants to spend more time together and in the garden.
She thinks she wants to hire a big yacht and sail around the world. 😁

Adjusting to retirement can be difficult but I think, generally, women adapt to it more easily than men.

www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DV9DIDMeOJlY&ved=2ahUKEwiajPavro-HAxWZYEEAHUjdAH4QwqsBegQICBAE&usg=AOvVaw2kpxLF8BMbyrf3Kzi9DHer

It was Prudential 😁

BlueBelle

I don’t see him as miserly. I don’t see either to blame

He just had very different expectations of retirement to Debbie he saw himself resting after a lifetime of working for money, a time to sit still, to stop achieving, to potter, to do nothing, to wind down
Debbie saw it as an opportunity to start living to wind up to start travelling and going out and spending the money
(they /he) had gathered
Two hugely different expectations and dreams and unless a halfway house can be found the marriage isn’t going to go very much further

👏👏👏. We were led to believe that it was about money but it really isn’t.

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Callistemon213

^I just want to enjoy our life and money before it's too late^

I can understand. Unfortunately you both have different expectations of what a happy retirement should entail.

I doubt you can change him now unless he is in fact feeling depressed.
Perhaps you could join some clubs eg U3A, the TWG or WI and enjoy some trips and meals out with other people. A friend of mine joined a theatre group and they went on coach trips to theatres in London and other places. Her DH wasn't interested in doing that but she met other ladies on these trips.

My Father in Law was a long term pipe smoker, he had serious bronchitis in his mid 60s, doctor told him straight “stop smoking or you will die”, he did and lived to 95

😯