Wealthy husband won't spend any money

That 😯 was to BigMamma

David49

Callistemon213

I just want to enjoy our life and money before it's too late

I can understand. Unfortunately you both have different expectations of what a happy retirement should entail.

I doubt you can change him now unless he is in fact feeling depressed.
Perhaps you could join some clubs eg U3A, the TWG or WI and enjoy some trips and meals out with other people. A friend of mine joined a theatre group and they went on coach trips to theatres in London and other places. Her DH wasn't interested in doing that but she met other ladies on these trips.

My Father in Law was a long term pipe smoker, he had serious bronchitis in his mid 60s, doctor told him straight “stop smoking or you will die”, he did and lived to 95

Did you mean to quote me or another poster David49?

It seems to be a non-sequitur!

Sorry Callistemon no idea what happened there, response was to husband being a long term smoker.

Why haven't you any money of your own to spend I wonder? Go without him.

mabon1

Why haven't you any money of your own to spend I wonder? Go without him.

She allowed she does have money to spend. Therefore leave him happily pottering whilst she gads about is the obvious answer. Expressed by many.

David49

Sorry Callistemon no idea what happened there, response was to husband being a long term smoker.

Ok David49 🙂

We agreed early on I would look after our children then work part time then full time when the children were older, my husband had the high earning job but all monies were joint monies, never mine or his. He never ever considered he was ‘subsidised’ me or our children, that is a true equal partnership.

Debbi do you get attendance allowance if not apply for it. Plus if you drive you should have a blue badge . And if you get the money spend it on what you want .

Hubby and I are both retired. We both are now receiving state pension and works pension although due to circumstances beyond our control neither are as much as they could have been, but we are quite secure now. Hubby is older than me and enjoys tv and our caravan but I'm still more active so I just tell him I've booked so and so or that I'm off to meet friends and get on with it. Different from OP but I'm not sitting at home just because he wants to.

Divorce him, he will have to give you half of all his wealth.

Just go on to dinner, holidays out with friends let him wallow in his old age don't let him hold you back you only live once I have been there

As far as I can see, it’s not just about the money! Retirement is a time when you get to spend more quality time with your partner doing things you BOTH enjoy. One might be more gregarious/adventurous than the other but both partners’ needs should still be accommodated to a degree. My sister and her husband exemplify this! This lady suffers from a debilitating illness which has forced her to become financially dependant on her husband! In sickness and I health is part of the marriage contract I believe? I symapthise with her situation and would hope that this would not stop her from leading a happy and fulfilled life. If she has savings of her own, perhaps she should use them for her own pleasure! Does her husband try to control those? Very worrying if that is the case! Perhaps small steps of encouraging him to get out more? A frank discussion about how they see the years ahead panning out? A lot to unpack here and it is a scenario I have come across before. Both partners should be equal within a marriage no matter what the financial status of each is! I had a tightwad husband who spent money on himself but rarely on things for us as a couple. Luckily I got out, despite me being older. I had a little money of my own and although I do not have the financial security I had before, I have my independence which is everything! Not the road some would take, but it worked for me!

I agree that there is little liklihood that you can change his attitude to money, but I do think you need to try to discuss it with him.

You say, he has always been a bit like this, but that it is getting worse.

This rang a bell with me, as that is precisely what my grandparents were like. In old age, although they had enough money to live on, they, and especially my grandmother, after grandpa's death became increasingly convinced that they DID NOT have enough to live on. It got to the stage where Grannie was living in a totally unheated house in December when we visited. She was in no way senile, but convinced that she had to save money!

So try to get your husband to see that now that he has retired you should be able to do some of the things that were not possible while you worked.

As for some years yet, you do not have your pension, you and he are living on his, and savings, I assume, but point out that you do have your pension to look forward to, so there is no reason to be so "careful with money" (parsimonious!) as he is being.

Tell him that you had looked forward to being able to go out sometimes, and the life of a hermit is not for you, however much he enjoys it.

Try to come to some agreement as to how your living expenses are used, and how much they amount to. And that there has to be some pleasures.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

I think the OP should sit down with her husband and discuss calmly what she wants. Be that 1 foreign holiday abroad each year or 3, one weekend away each month or twice a year, a meal out every week or only on birthdays etc. Then perhaps he would compromise and agree to some things.
If not then perhaps she should it alone or with friends, family etc.

I am just wondering if, as a person who has RA and therefore unable to work and disabled, you would be able to any disability benefits such as Personal Independence Payment? This id not means tested so any money your husband has is not included.

No-one has asked the OP about her real situation regarding mobility.
Is it the case that she would appreciate her husband's help if he would agree to more trips away? Is there an issue around her disability?
She has already expressed a doubt as to whether he actually wants to be with her.
And by the way, it's not helpful that posters on this thread go on about the lovely equal relationships they had with their spouses, mostly husband's.

We are both in our mid 70’s
We married young and now have children and grandchildren. We are very careful what we spend. We pay for the grandchildren’s activities but that’s our only extravagance.
We buy ‘yellow sticker Ed’ food (reduced food)
We seldom buy new clothes BUT we treat this like a game and get pleasure from a bargain. We are mortgage free and have been since mid 40’s due to our frugal spending.
We give a lot to charity.
My retired husband has many charity clubs he attends and I have friends he doesn’t meet.
We have a wonderful life and it suits us.
I’d be most concerned if my husband was mean and a hermit.
It’s important to have your own friends as you develop your own personality and it’s equally important he has his friendship group.
How often do we hear of someone left without a husband and have lost those precious interpersonal skills imperative to survive.
Join a club or a church or have an interest. BUT don’t stop going places with your husband. There are many fun retirement groups that may be fun.
The University of the third ….,,,, is popular.
Hope you get what you need for happiness. (My life wouldn’t suit everyone but it’s about us) xx

Do you have your own source of income? If so, treat yourself! If not, that's your fault and you should be grateful you have someone to support YOU.

That's a bit harsh Grannie314 you are not aware of the circumstances surrounding this poster's life.
A little compassion on here would not go amiss.

I f you read the thread the circumstances are eventually clarified. They are not as they seemed at the outset.

David49

“Well, I would not have liked that, David49, you say your wife was unable to travel, not that she just refused to go anywhere, and you went off on singles holidays by yourself.”

My wife was chronically ill, unable to travel I became her full time carer for 5 yrs, as respite, our daughter stayed with her during those trips.

So I well understand the issues carers have, I was lucky I reduced work and became semi retired and there are family closeby. I did not find caring a burden, it’s about “for better or for worse” I learned to cook and take over all the domestic and garden jobs.

Callistemon you are saying I should not take respite

Yes assumptions are bad… unfortunately we all do it…wish I’d had a husband like you!
Re monies…when I married ( 2nd) at age 30, I had no money of my own per se, but was working in an executive position by then and had started to make arrangements to buy… but married a head Lecturer instead who said I didn’t need to work any more…. He paid for everything but I had to show him and agree what I bought via a cheque book I was ‘allowed’. We went to a ‘ loaned’ house near his parents every year … I had 2 children by then …. Had nothing of my own…. Instead of getting a carer after his father died and his mother became ill, I had to take the children out of school, change schools and go up north to look after his mother… with my sons. His parents died and he inherited… ( nothing on my side)… all the money was put in various stocks etc, and dividends would arrive monthly …I asked if we could perhaps spend some and go on a ‘proper’ holiday or buy some new ‘things’ … nope! After he hit me one too many times I left!
NOW … at 78 … I know a lot better and would not have been so cowed… but was controlled from start to finish! Oh for a Time Machine!

David49

“Well, I would not have liked that, David49, you say your wife was unable to travel, not that she just refused to go anywhere, and you went off on singles holidays by yourself.”

My wife was chronically ill, unable to travel I became her full time carer for 5 yrs, as respite, our daughter stayed with her during those trips.

So I well understand the issues carers have, I was lucky I reduced work and became semi retired and there are family closeby. I did not find caring a burden, it’s about “for better or for worse” I learned to cook and take over all the domestic and garden jobs.

Callistemon you are saying I should not take respite

You did the right thing David, respite is essential for carers, how can you care if you are not fit to care yourself? selfcare as a carer is vital.

Nice your daughter could cover your respite times rather than a stranger.

Germanshepherdsmum

It seems you have no money but want to spend his. How about being grateful that he is keeping you and has been for years, rather than expecting him to take you on expensive holidays. It’s his money, probably accumulated through hard work and being careful, it’s not yours.

exactly what I was thinking

Germanshepherdsmum

I have never been kept by a man and never will be. My marriage is and always has been an equal partnership, neither of us subsidises the other.

I am exactly the same. my late partner of 10 years never paid for anything we always went 50/50. my late husband and I both worked had equal income and shared all expenses equally. I could never be a kept woman?