The division of household labour post-retirement

Many thanks to everyone who's contributed since my last check-in - much appreciated.

madmeg:
Actually, it wasn't meant to be light-hearted - I've been reading 'All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers and the Myth of Equal Partnership' by Darcy Lockman, which lead me to thinking about the division of labour after retirement when children were (mainly) out of the home and wondered how people were handling it.

You have my full sympathy madmeg and I thank you for sharing. You sound much more patient than I fear I would have been in the circumstances!

My husband has taken over all the washing, which I used to do before. I generally cook and he washes up/does the dishwasher.
He does all house and garden maintenance. I do the online order and little bits if shopping, and tidy up, but we now have a cleaner! I have to admit, he really does much more than me in the house. I play the piano and float around with my friends and enjoying days out and hobbies. We both read. Sometimes I feel a bit guilty, but having worked full time for decades and raised 3 children I am enjoying my life now.

Plus I do all bills, banking etc! Not totally frivolous!

I'm struggling with this at the moment. He probably does as much as he's always done, which is quite a lot, but he never does the 'hidden' or extra things. So for example he will load the dishwasher, run and empty it but will never think to clean the filter. He will vacuum but not empty the machine cleaning the bathroom means the sink and floor but not the bath, loo or shower, feeds the cat but never puts fresh water down, or clean his bowls, empty the pepper grinder but not refill it. Each thing in itself is quite petty and small, but it's causing a lot of resentment in me.

Mollyb

Yes husband now does all ironing not just his own. He also vacuums, makes beds, and loads /unloads dishwasher. Previously worked very long hours so only did ironing, and dishwasher when he could.I do washing, he does gardening and pays gardener for the rest. Totally shocked at how many people explain husband "helps" so archaic to assume domestic duties are for the woman only.

I agree Mollyb: it is archaic to assume that housework is exclusively 'women's work' and I was also surprised at the number of GNs who used that expression. I am sorry to say that it is a reflection of how, even in modern society, domestic chores are still viewed, particularly by men.

I think that all heathy, able bodied adults, with opposable thumbs, should be responsible for their own personal hygiene and for their share of household tasks.

I do it all , shopping ,cleaning ,cooking gardening paying bills, organising hospital or dr appointments and collecting prescriptions..I did it all before he retired and worked full time. Now following his terminal cancer diagnosis , heart attack and arthritic knees it's still my job . I've done it since 17yrs and at 63 it's not about to change.

healthy not heathy

Hi. When our children were at home my DH worked long hours, I worked part time so I did most things. His jobs were washing up and helping with the children if he was at home.
When we both retired I had to teach him, he’s not a practical person so he found it hard work. He helps now but to be honest he’s a bit slap dash ! and sometimes I’ve to go over things again. He says I’m too fussy but we are what we are.

Mollyb and Indigo8:
Thanks for bringing that up... I wonder if this is a difference between older baby boomers and younger boomers/Gen X? Did older boomers, who maybe didn't work outside the home or perhaps worked part-time, consider the home to be their domain more than the younger ones who probably worked full-time and/or had a career and weren't so willing to start work again when they got home in the evening? Just speculating - I'm a younger boomer who definitely wouldn't take kindly to a man suggesting that he was 'helping' me around the house or 'babysitting' his own kids.

GrannyGravy13

DH pays the gardener

I pay the cleaner

Both do what is necessary in between, although he has no idea how the washing machine works or where the iron and ironing board are…

I was interested to see that your husband pays the gardener and you pay the cleaner. This is not a criticism in any shape or form - I am just curious as to why it’s done this way.
When I and my husband both worked, we decided to pay our salaries into a joint account and I insisted that we also had a private account each. The only reason I insisted on this was because on birthdays and Christmas, without a personal account, the money for gifts would come out if the joint account. This meant that, technically, we were paying towards our own present! Then we agreed a ‘personal spending’ amount for each of us which went into our private accounts on paydays. All household bills were paid by direct debit from the joint account. If there was anything left over the end of the month, we agreed whether we would spend it or save it. This worked very well for us and I can honestly say that, in 57 years of marriage, we never once argued about money!

seabear:

Each thing in itself is quite petty and small, but it's causing a lot of resentment in me.

It would me, too! I think I'd be tempted to write out the procedure for doing every task and put them in a binder for him! But then I'm not the most tolerant person who ever lived!

We were both married before so no ingrained habits. My husband in the spirit of self preservation does the cooking and shopping. I do cleaning, laundry, admin etc.
He does DIY and gardening as well. We fell into the roles we felt most comfortable with I think.

My dh likes to cook , not so keen on washing up !
He doesn't do housework , but I'm keeping an open mind because he is doing major diy ( think new ceilings going up , interior walls etc ) and he does clear up that .

teach

Mollyb and Indigo8:
Thanks for bringing that up... I wonder if this is a difference between older baby boomers and younger boomers/Gen X? Did older boomers, who maybe didn't work outside the home or perhaps worked part-time, consider the home to be their domain more than the younger ones who probably worked full-time and/or had a career and weren't so willing to start work again when they got home in the evening? Just speculating - I'm a younger boomer who definitely wouldn't take kindly to a man suggesting that he was 'helping' me around the house or 'babysitting' his own kids.

Nor would I! I'd kill him to death if he said that . Luckily for him he doesn't think like that, so I haven't had to.

A (younger) friend was round for coffee and could hear the vacuum going. She looked perplexed, and I said it was Mr D. She said how good he was for doing it, and asked if she was stopping me from getting on. I pointed out that any dust and dirt in the house would be 50% his, so he does 50% of clearing it up. It turned out that he had trodden mud in on his boots and was hoovering it up, but him doing some cleaning is not out of the ordinary - why would it be?

Doodledog

teach

Mollyb and Indigo8:
Thanks for bringing that up... I wonder if this is a difference between older baby boomers and younger boomers/Gen X? Did older boomers, who maybe didn't work outside the home or perhaps worked part-time, consider the home to be their domain more than the younger ones who probably worked full-time and/or had a career and weren't so willing to start work again when they got home in the evening? Just speculating - I'm a younger boomer who definitely wouldn't take kindly to a man suggesting that he was 'helping' me around the house or 'babysitting' his own kids.

Nor would I! I'd kill him to death if he said that . Luckily for him he doesn't think like that, so I haven't had to.

A (younger) friend was round for coffee and could hear the vacuum going. She looked perplexed, and I said it was Mr D. She said how good he was for doing it, and asked if she was stopping me from getting on. I pointed out that any dust and dirt in the house would be 50% his, so he does 50% of clearing it up. It turned out that he had trodden mud in on his boots and was hoovering it up, but him doing some cleaning is not out of the ordinary - why would it be?

I completely agree Doodledog! If you eat it, wear it, use it or your skin flakes (dust) land on it, then you're equally responsible for it. Same applies to kids!

When I married Mr Cabbie, it was a second marriage for both of us. He was a capable single parent who somehow managed to work full time and cope with two small children. I was unable to find a full-time job for a couple of years, so naturally I did most of the chores. Even when I did work full time, he worked longer hours, seven days a week in term time for a few years, so the pattern persisted and became entrenched. He did lots of DIY, gardening and decorating in the school holidays, so we very much settled by default into “ women’s work” and “men’s work” , though it was always said tongue in cheek. I don’t have many practical skills, of a male or female variety!

Cabbie21

When I married Mr Cabbie, it was a second marriage for both of us. He was a capable single parent who somehow managed to work full time and cope with two small children. I was unable to find a full-time job for a couple of years, so naturally I did most of the chores. Even when I did work full time, he worked longer hours, seven days a week in term time for a few years, so the pattern persisted and became entrenched. He did lots of DIY, gardening and decorating in the school holidays, so we very much settled by default into “ women’s work” and “men’s work” , though it was always said tongue in cheek. I don’t have many practical skills, of a male or female variety!

I think you've got to be fair about it don't you Cabbie2? I copied down a quote yesterday that:

"Across the life cycle, only the transition from married to widowed, divorced, or separated significantly increases a man’s time in unpaid domestic labour."

I think after retirement, the playing field is levelled as far as who does what around the home is concerned and everything is up for negotiation. I get very annoyed when I see a man sitting on the sofa watching TV whilst the woman is running herself ragged doing everything.

Mind you, it always annoys me on Christmas Day when the men just sit around watching TV and waiting for the meal to be served while the women have been up since dawn, slogging away!

Shopping and cooking

I’m confused. Some of you mention that your partner helps. Do I assume that you are salaried housekeepers then?

Helping is doing someone else’s job as a kindness.

Perhaps you mean they are contributing to the household tasks in the way that normal and unselfish couples do?

Unless they are disabled or you have a clear distribution of tasks, any partner not contributing is selfish or lazy.

No, because he took early retirement at 59 at the end of February 2020, and we all know what happened in March that year. So he barely left his chair and gradually over the years has almost totally lost his mobility.
I also have arthritis in every joint, including my spine, so we have a cleaner for a couple of hours once a week. I do everything else, including caring for my 2 dogs, and most of the gardening.

My partner insists on doing most of the house work and gardening. He likes my cooking and baking so I do a lot of that for the freezer and he’ll use it to make meals.

I AM THAT WOMAN RUNNING HERSELF RAGGED!

My DH never did his share of the household stuff - even including cleaning the car and mowing the lawn. He was okay on putting up shelves etc but it took forever. I've never seen him with an iron or a duster. There was a short spell when he would cook a casserole but that was long ago.

When our girls were small I "only" worked about 15 hours a week, becoming more like 30. He was a Uni lecturer back in the day when the teaching load was under 10 hours a week and they got more than 12 weeks holiday. He always had Fridays off. By the time I also became a Uni lecturer those times had gone and I worked about 60 hours a week plus a 45-mile drive there and back. I still did most of the chores though.

After we retired (both about the same time) I imagined there would be a fairer distribution of tasks but it hasn't happened. He calls "preparing the evening meal" putting a pizza and a baked potato in the oven.

He usually puts the washing on, and loads/unloads the dishwasher. He usually prepares breakfast - cereal and fruit - and brews a lot of tea/coffee. But he never tidies up and leaves dishes on every worktop. Since my diagnosis of scoliosis over 25 years ago he has mowed the lawns (if I remind him) and undertook to do the hoovering, but that happens only 2 or 3 times a year. I could go on, but you get the drift.

In our 52 years I have managed household finances/investments/loans/credit cards. I once showed him my budget and how to organise it all and gave him responsibility for the monthly finances. We were overdrawn within a week.

It's not that he begrudges doing things, he just doesn't see what needs doing. It doesn't bother him if the place is a mess, or unclean. We have separate bedrooms/bathrooms and it does not cross his mind to ever wash the bedding or clean the bathroom and I am fed up of reminding/asking him.

Over the past 12 months I have been having treatment for cancer and his workload has stayed exactly the same as it was beforehand. I told him exactly what I needed help with and he promptly forgot - or apologised and said he didn't have time. During that time I have done almost everything that I previously did or it hasn't been done.

Oh, he does the food shopping. We have a local Tesco and he goes almost daily for something he says we have run out of. It doesn't matter that we aren't going to need it for a week. He manages to add another ten items to his basket and when he gets home I find we already had more than enough of these items in stock. It got to the stage where we had to buy a third freezer for it all. Needless to say all three freezers are in total disarray with some foodstuffs likely 3 or 4 years old.

How I envy all of you whose other half IS a half, or at least thereabouts.

Sorry folks, I didn't realise my first response had actually appeared - it wasn't there when I wrote the next one!!!

Oh yes it changed, even thought I was looking after our Grandson 4 days a week, he decided I should do everything else as well. He just sits on the couch on his iPad and lets me do everything!! I even have to put the bins out and clean them, he did used to do that . I am exhausted

Madmeg

I AM THAT WOMAN RUNNING HERSELF RAGGED!

My DH never did his share of the household stuff - even including cleaning the car and mowing the lawn. He was okay on putting up shelves etc but it took forever. I've never seen him with an iron or a duster. There was a short spell when he would cook a casserole but that was long ago.

When our girls were small I "only" worked about 15 hours a week, becoming more like 30. He was a Uni lecturer back in the day when the teaching load was under 10 hours a week and they got more than 12 weeks holiday. He always had Fridays off. By the time I also became a Uni lecturer those times had gone and I worked about 60 hours a week plus a 45-mile drive there and back. I still did most of the chores though.

After we retired (both about the same time) I imagined there would be a fairer distribution of tasks but it hasn't happened. He calls "preparing the evening meal" putting a pizza and a baked potato in the oven.

He usually puts the washing on, and loads/unloads the dishwasher. He usually prepares breakfast - cereal and fruit - and brews a lot of tea/coffee. But he never tidies up and leaves dishes on every worktop. Since my diagnosis of scoliosis over 25 years ago he has mowed the lawns (if I remind him) and undertook to do the hoovering, but that happens only 2 or 3 times a year. I could go on, but you get the drift.

In our 52 years I have managed household finances/investments/loans/credit cards. I once showed him my budget and how to organise it all and gave him responsibility for the monthly finances. We were overdrawn within a week.

It's not that he begrudges doing things, he just doesn't see what needs doing. It doesn't bother him if the place is a mess, or unclean. We have separate bedrooms/bathrooms and it does not cross his mind to ever wash the bedding or clean the bathroom and I am fed up of reminding/asking him.

Over the past 12 months I have been having treatment for cancer and his workload has stayed exactly the same as it was beforehand. I told him exactly what I needed help with and he promptly forgot - or apologised and said he didn't have time. During that time I have done almost everything that I previously did or it hasn't been done.

Oh, he does the food shopping. We have a local Tesco and he goes almost daily for something he says we have run out of. It doesn't matter that we aren't going to need it for a week. He manages to add another ten items to his basket and when he gets home I find we already had more than enough of these items in stock. It got to the stage where we had to buy a third freezer for it all. Needless to say all three freezers are in total disarray with some foodstuffs likely 3 or 4 years old.

How I envy all of you whose other half IS a half, or at least thereabouts.

Sorry you're struggling, Madmeg. This is where it gets doubly difficult for women isn't it? You could stop doing all the extra work to match his (lack of) effort as a form of protest but then he wouldn't notice or care anyhow and the place would just go to rack and ruin, causing you more distress.

I don't know what advice to offer (not that you were asking for it) - I'd be long gone!

At the very least, I'd be getting a cleaner. (I was about to write: "And making him pay for it" but it sounds like he wouldn't notice or care about that either!)